英语短文笑话(带翻译)

1、How much English can you speak?


He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only
speaks a few words of English.
The judge looked at the defendant and asked,
The defendant looked up and said,

中文翻译
法官 先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认
路。而且，他只会说 几个英语单词。
法官看了看被告，问道：你会说多少英文？
被告抬起头，说：把你的钱包给我！

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which
indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a
day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many
words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said,
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结 果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用
15000个字，而女人每天使用300 00个。
妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。
他问：什么？

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、


any.


汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？妈妈在厨房里问。他在哭。
没事 儿，妈妈，汤姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。
他已经吃完自己的了么？
是的 。我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend,
The friends says,
The first guys says,
路人甲对路人乙说，猜猜我兜里有 几个子儿？
路人乙说：我猜对了，你能给我一个不？
路人甲说：你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别


graduate engineering course. I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good
afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down.
一个教师在 研究生工程学课堂上说：我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。
我说'下午好'的时候，本科 生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？
汤姆：每个月都有啊！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently
reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that
replied,
史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。
这位主日学校的老师甜甜 地微笑着，说：博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，
我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。
博比抬头看了看老师，说：史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and
finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma,
She says,

一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。
当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。
他们离开时， 他的朋友对祖母说:谢谢您的花生。
结果祖母说:唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧 克力了。

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the
water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.


一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两只虫子放到 一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士
忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。 < br>所以，儿子啊，父亲问道，得出什么结论？
恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！< br>
2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.




on the day you swallowed it?



中文翻译：

一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。

大夫！他说，帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！

天哪，大夫说，早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？

实话告诉您吧，大夫，穷人说，我当时还不缺钱！

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。

女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys,
the most important physiological quality of a musician?



disdainfully.
在一 次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩：音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？
耳聋，男孩答道。
胡说！老师气愤地说。
怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？男孩轻蔑地反问道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender:
The man:
Bartender:
The man:
一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。
酒吧招待：你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？
男人：我 们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。
酒吧招待：那你应该高兴才是啊！
男人：不，今天是这 个月的最后一天。

【Laughter】2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $$2 for a $$1 item he wants. A woman will pay $$1 for a $$2 item that she doesn't
want.
男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱 却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，
要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa.
caught breaking this rule will be fined $$20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the

2nd time will be fined $$60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $$180. Are there any
questions?
pass ?
女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。
不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯 将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交
180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？< br>这时人群中一个男同学问道，那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？
女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。


2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete:
was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind.
Bob:
皮特：我上次出去打猎，跌下了 很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮
现了我做过的所有蠢事。
鲍勃：你一定 是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD...
His older brother nudged him and said,
To which the little brother replied,
2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: 我祈求一辆
自行车，一张新DVD……
哥哥用肘轻推他: 你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。
弟弟答道:上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said,
over!

巡警 发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说：靠边停车(套头衫)！
不，她回答，是一双袜子！
In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with
alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,

The student answered,

酒的好处

为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫 子很快就死了。老
师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？”

学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。”


1. Teacher:Some students are becoming you remember the story about race between
the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by
the tortoise?

Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.

Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?

Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.
把乌龟换成狼

老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明， 你说说看，兔子为
什么输给乌龟？

小明：因为它睡觉了。

老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？

小明：把乌龟换成狼！

Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter
A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter,
Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the
village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to
the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from
the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.
There was no sign of the lion.


伟大的猎手Jonesie
有个小村庄正为 一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这
只野兽。
猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。
把羊皮披在身 上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。
半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近 后，看到猎手正躺在草
地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。
“Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。
“哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”
———————————————————————————————————————
—
Weather Predict
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and
said,
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
was a hailstorm.

weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him.
I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?
The Indian shrugged his shoulders.
天气预报
一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说明天下雨.第
二天 果然下雨了.
一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,明天有风暴.果然,第二天下了雹暴.
印度人真神,导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.
几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.
最后,导演派人去把他叫来了. 我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,导演说,这得靠你了.明天天气
如何啊?
印度人耸了耸肩.我不知道,印度人说,收音机坏了.
———————————————————————————————————————
———
I Am Acting Like a Lady
One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified
middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by

frantic women.
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the
crowed.


a lady.
我要表现得象位女士
一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一 件。可是，没过多久，
他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。
他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。
“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”
“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”