目无全牛意思-慈祥的近义词
301
The One With the Princess Leia
Fantasy
[Scene Central Per
Joey:
k, the
whole gang is entering]
All:
I'm tellin'
ya that girl totally winked at me.
their
sacr
Did not, she did not wink at you... (sees
that
Chandler
ed couch is occupied
by
Opening Cr
: Huh. (They all leave,
dejected)
strangers) .
[Scene: Rachel
edits
Rachel are eating
breakfast.]
and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and
Ross:
Morrison.
I have to say
Tupolo
Honey
by Van
Rachel:
is
Phoebe:
The Way We
Wer
Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever
w
See, I-I think
e
.
that
Rachel:
rote for, um, that guy on
Who's
The Boss
one that Elton
.
John
Phoebe:
What song was that, Pheebs?
Dan-za.
(singing) Hold me close, young
Tony
(Monic
Phoebe:
a enters from her
bedroom)
Ross:
Hi Monica!
Rachel:
Hey Mon!
(she just walks
str
Hey Mon!
Phoebe:
aight into the
bathroom)
Ross:
Oh my God, has she slept
at all?
Rachel:
Nope.
Ross:
but
then she found one of Richard's cigar
Yeah,
she f
No, it's been three nights in a row.
inally stopped crying yester
on the
terr
butts out
day,
Phoebe:
tw
O
ace, so.
this high squeaky sound, so I
thought okay its like
o in the morning, but
all I could hear was, like,
h, okay that
explains it. I got a call at
a mouse or a
opossum. But then I realized wher
would a mouse
e
make the phone c
or
[Scene:
all.
a opossum get the money to
from
the bedr
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in
Chandler
Joey:
:
oom]
Chandler
Morning, hey, you made panc
Morning.
do that.
: Yeah, like there's any
way I c
akes?
ould ever
Janice:
had
(entering and singing) Monica and Rachel
(laughs hysterically
syrup, now I can
Joey:
)
get my man to cheer up.
Chandler
(sarcastically) Good morning.
Good morning Joey.
Why
hang out with
me.
don't
:
you stay home from
Hey, you know what, her
work today
e's a
thought.
and just
Janice:
report to
f
Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that
Chandler
inish, and I gotta go see my
lawyer
with someone that is getting divorc
:
I can not believe that I am
.
grow
ed.
I'm such a
going out
Janice:
n up.
not w
(laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go.
Okay,
Chandler
ithout a kiss.
you'll
have to stay.
: Well, maybe I won't kiss you,
and then
Joey:
Janice:
(under his
breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Joey:
I'll see
you later
Chandler
B-bye Janice. So w
,
sweetie. Bye Joey.
Joey:
:
hen ya'
dumpin' her.
Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
Come on, quite yankin' me.
Nope, not
this time.
Joey:
Chandler
This is
Janice.
Joey:
tell me, w
Okay. All
right. You look me in the eye and
: Yeah, I
know. She makes me happy.
up w
ithout
blinking, that you're not breaking
Chandler
ith her. No blinking.
up
w
: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking
then Joey blow
ith her! (they
[Scene:
s in hi
stare at each other for a while,
s face)
from the bathr
Rachel and
Monica's, Monica is entering
Monica:
oom.]
Rachel:
God, look what I found in the
drain.
Monica:
What?!
to Ross) What do
I do w
It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it
close
Ross:
Monica:
Getting it away
fr
wanna
It's weird, but
om me would
be job one.
ith this?
you know
have
left of hi
throw
Ross's cer
m, gross,
dr
this away. I mean
what I don't
ain
hair
this is like all I
Phoebe:
person
Ooh. Oh.
eal)
. Ooh! (drops it in
It looks like, like a tiny
this
dump
it down the drain.)
look,
drowning
like 'Yeah,
in your
doesn't
cereal.
it',
(Ross gives her
little
Monica:
and gets up to
Ross:
God, what is wrong with me.
Monica:
You need to get some sleep.
Rachel:
I need to get some Richard.
reason.
Monica, you broke up with him for
a
Monica:
missing hi
I know, I know.
I'm just so tired of-of
called. Why hasn't he
called!
m. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't
he
Phoebe:
Monica:
Joey:
What are
you the memor
Maybe, because you told him not
to.
y woman?
and Janice. Their not br
(entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler
or
anything.
eaking up. He didn't blink
Rachel:
have you seen them together
Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean
Joey:
Rachel:
Cute! This is Janice! You
r
, they're r
emember Janic
eally cute.
e?
but you know what she's-she's his
girlfriend now. I
Yes, Joey, I remember,
she's annoying,
mean what can we do?
Joey:
for!
There you
Huh?
What
can we do? Huh?
go! That's
A
the
ll
spirit I'm
right who's f
looking
irst?
Ross:
Ross?
and Janice
Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend
makes him happy, so I say we just all
Season 3
be adult about it and accept
her
Joey:
. [Scene:
[Scene:
Yeah,
we'll call that Plan B. Aentering]
Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are
reading a book
in bed]
Ross's bedroom, Ross is working
ll
right?
and Rachel is
Ross:
Rachel:
Rachel:
How coul
Honey, I was wondering....
(she leans
over and kisses him on the cheek) Ross:
Ross,
I didn't think it would that big of a deal.
d
you have told her?
Ross:
Rachel:
Oh,
she didn't think it woul
Rachel:
Hmm?
that?
Okay, who are you talking
d be that
big of deal.
to w
Ross:
Ross:
hen you do
Rachel: Hmm.
Nooo, I had
to r
Do you still have that, um, Navy
unifor
eturn it to the costume plac
m?
e. personal thing between us.
Look, that
was supposed to be like a private,
Ross:
Rachel:
Rachel:
I think I have
an old band unifortell each other ever
Okay,
Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we
right?
You remember not having sex
m from high
school.
in high school, guy
Ross:
locker
room stuff.
s do the same
y
thing,
thing. Y
I mean, w
ou know, I mean,
c
hat about all
ome on,
that
Rachel:
Yeah. Ross:
Ross:
Well
honey, what about you? a
Rachel:
What?Island Ferr
stripper?'
That's
different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated
or
'Who did it on the back of the Staton
ty
I
Rachel:
y?'.
Ross:
pe things?
mean do you have any fun, you know, fantasy
Ross:
Were both of those Joey?
Rachel:
No. you know, your girlfriend
Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like,
Ross:
Come on you gotta have one! you do
with her
and the intimate stuff you,
Rachel:
Nope. Rachel:
.
Ross:
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
Ross,
you know what...
Rachel:
Noo!
Not
even with your best friend.
Ross:
Ross. I
mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know.
That is so sad. Your missing out on so much,
Jedi
Okay,
...if you tell me, I might
do it.
umm. Did you ever see, um,
Return
Of The
And-
Rachel: Yeah.
? the same
thing you are.
and knowing that someone else
is going through
Ross:
Ross:
Hut?
Do
you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the
ever
Hmph. So what you, you
Rachel: Oooh!
Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, um,
Princess Leia. Rachel:
ything?
tell each
other
Ross:
Ross:
It was pretty cool.
Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold
bikini thing. you tell people about the night of
f
Did you
Pretty much.
talk
about the night
[Scene: Central
Per
Rachel:
ive times?
of five times? Do
Phoebe:
k, Phoebe and Rachel are
there] Ross:
guy
Yeah, oh, Princess Leia
and the gold bikini, every [Scene: Monica's
bedroom, Phoebe
I know, but it's still worth
mentioni
Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
Rachel:
our age loved that. her
is
try
ng, I think.
ing to relax
Phoebe:
ReallyPhoebe:
.]
when-
!
your
became, like, a w
when, you
Um, um.
know
It's
she
huge.
stopped
Yeah, that's the moment,
now
Rachel:
oman, you know.
being a
princess, and
tell me your
close you eyes,
and think of a happy place. Okay,
body.
(
in a soothing voice) Relax ever
Listen to the
plinky-plunky music
y muscle in
. Okay,
Phoebe:
Did you ever do the-the Leia
thing? Monica:
happy place.
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Richard's living room,
drinking wine.
Phoebe:
Really
Oh,
yeah, um-mm. Oh!
! That-that great huh? put
down the glass. And get out!
All right. No,
no, no, not a Richard thing, just
on
v
Monica:
Ross:
ibrate. See ya!
No
it's just that I got this new pager and I have it
Phoebe:
I'm sorr
Rachel:
(entering
with Monica in tow) Hey! I'm
Ross:
any
just
Well, okay, f
y,
but that's my happy place.
gonna, I have
ine, use my
to ask that
happy
plac
you don't
e. Okay,
move
Dr
Look who I found standing outside of the Szec
Hi you guys!
Monica:
thing.
Rachel:
agon staring at a par
hwan
Phoebe:
All right, I'll try not to.
Monica: Hi.
Mon. Hi!
king meter.
of stars in the sky....
Okay, all right,
so, your in a meadow, millions
Rachel:
Monica:
Monica:
Why aren't
you at work?huge mistake?
Do you think
breaking up with him was a
Rachel: Why?
Oh, they
Phoebe:
Monica:
place.
Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight
All right, there ar
e no questions in
the happy
Ross:
Because I don't wor
-they sent me home.
k at the Szechwan
Dragon. flow
Rachel:
Okay. Monica:
ing
through the trees....
Monica:
You really,
really need to get some sleep, honey. Phoebe:
I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's
f
Ross:
I know I do. are, I'm sur
All
ine.
Rachel: Hi.
Hi. Just-just, you
know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the,
e,
not per
right, betting and wagering of any
kind,
mitted in the happy place. Okay.
Ross:
the trickling fountains. And the-the
calming sounds of
Rachel: What?
Guess
what? the babbling brook....
Ross:
Monica:
Rachel:
They published my
papernow
Okay, this isn't working. I'm still
awake and
Phoebe:
Oh, r
.
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's]
I have to pee.
make
her hair
Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to
her
eally, let me see, let me see.
Janice:
is
Joey:
stands up
horrif
my strong
look like the Princess
Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Wher
ears to
Ross
Skywalker to
e
that.
I, ah, I
never
So, I hear, you hate me!
said hate,
I was very careful about
[Scene: Chandler
ied) Ther
come rescue me. (Ross
Janice:
Fortune, the puzzle is show
and
Joey
e he is.
's, Joey is watching Wheel of
wanting to rip your ar
A little birdie
[Chandler enters]
ing _oun_ Rush_ore.]
Joey:
Chandler: Hey
big leap there...
And you got a 'hate' from
m off and
thr
told me something
that?!
ow it at
me.
about you
Your taking a
Joey:
Janice:
Chandler: Of!
Wheel!
!
to do something about our little
situation here
All right, fine, fine, fine,
fine, fine, we've got
Joey:
this
Joey.
So,
Rushmore!!
Fortune!
This guy
is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count time
together
is my idea: you and me spending some
quality
Chandler
Joey:
right,
:Janice:
But w
.
What'd ya'
say?
listen,
You know,
I got three
you should really go on this show.
tickets
to the Rangers tonight.
All
Joey:
For
Chandler!
hat does that gonna do...
Joey:
Janice:
Okay. I'm in.
Chandler
I say, 'I am ther'Joey and
Janic
Okay. All right. This is what we're
gonna call it:
Joey:
: No, Janice.
e!'
Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?
Joey:
e's DAY
OF FUN!'
we-
Janice:
Does it have to be
a whole day?
Chandler
we always go
together
Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad
for Ross, you know,
, me.
Yes, because
that's how long it takes to love
do you, do
you, have a pr
: You know, I may be way out on
a limb here, but
we're like the three hocke-
teers.
Joey:
Joey:
[Scene: Central
Per
Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns
ar
No, Yeeees. God, how
oblem with
Janic
do I say this. (
e?
walks into
the Monica:
startled)
and it turns out it
was those videos that I ordered for
(crying)
So, I went
k, Rachel and Monic
down to the
a are entering]
post office,
restaur
. Oh, hi, you know that girl from
ound and gets
the GrRichard about the
Civil W
has big hair) ?
ant with the
hair (holds his hands up to signify she
eek
Phoebe:
Chandler
Monica:
Monica, do
you want us to take you home?
ar. He loved the
Civ)l War.
eww, eww, oh!
: Ooh, that girl
that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, far away.
(Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)
Uh, huh.
(to Ross) Or maybe to a
galax
Joey:
Ross:
take, you know.
Look, I
don't hate Janice, she's-she's
just a lot to know that?
Women tell each other
everything. Did
y far,
you
Chandler
Chandler
Joey:
Ross:
she used to drive you nuts
before too, r
Oh,
: Well, ther
hey.
Come
e you go.
on man, don't look at me
like that, stuff she likes, technique, stamina,
girth....
No
: Umm, yeah.
Chandler,
everything! Like stuff you like,
Chandler
emember? Chandler
be the real
thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at
hi
: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think
this could why would they do this?
: Girth?
Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why,
Don't
worr
m) Ross:
Joey:
y, those are
the right letters. know, we outta be doing it. Do
you wanna?
Rachel says sharing's great and
supposedly, you
Chandler
Look, what do you
want me to say? Chandler
Joey:
: I want you
to say that you like her! Ross:
: We're not
gonna talk about girth are we?
time
I
can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know.
Every Chandler
Nooo!
tenses
she
Ross:
: Yeah, okay.
something to thr
up)
starts
pull
laughi
my arm
ng,
off
I just
just
wanna
so that
(grimaces
I can
and
Chandler
Yeah?
Chandler
Ross:
to leave) Oh, and
by the way there is no Count Rushmor
: Thanks
ow at her
for try
.
ing.
have
(grabs the ticket and starts
Chandler: Okay.
Okay, okay, I'll go f
:
Yeah! All right! You go f
irst.
irst.
Joey:
e! Ross:
faces on the mountain?
(
Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted
the talking about fantasies, and I happened to
describe a
So, uh, the other night Rachel and
I are in bed
stupid idiot!')
Chandler
gives him a look like 'You particular Star Wars
thing....
Commercial Br
eak
Chandler
Ross: Yes!
: Princ
ess
Leia in the gold bikini.
1 of 41 Pages
Season 3
Chandler: I know!
Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy.
Okay,
you-you go.
Chandler: Okay.
Ross: Okay.
Chandler: Okay, you know, you
know when your
in bed, with a woman.
Ross:
Hmph.
Chandler: And, ah, you know, your
fooling
around with her. And you get all these
like, mental
images in your brain, you know,
like Elle
MacPherson, or that girl at the
Xerox place....
Ross: With the belly-button
ring? Oh, muhawa!
Chandler: I know, And then
all of the sudden
your Mom pops into your
head. And your like 'Mom,
[Scene: Ross's
bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars
theme.
Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess
Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit,
to simulate the
gold bikini thing.]
Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's
prisoner, and you
have a really weird look on
your face. What? Honey, what is
it? Did I get
it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did
you just picture it differently? What? What?
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's
um, it's (turns
and sees his Mom standing
where Rachel is)
Mrs. Geller: Well what is
it? Come on sweetie, your like,
freaking me
out here.
Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard
ruined my life. (Rachel
starts looking around
and down, with a 'What the hell is
going on?'
look on her face.)
Get Up.
Joey: All
right! You can have the chair.
Chandler:
Really!
Joey: Oh my, would you look at that!
(holds up
crossed fingers)
Phoebe: (on
machine) it's me, I'm coming over
now. Hey,
what if I'm already there when your playing
this message?s) Is that too spooky?
Ross:
(on machine)
pick up. Rachel. Rach!
Rachel:
(entering from her bedroom) What?!
Ross:
Nevermind.
Richard: (on machine) a, it's
Richard. Call me.
Monica: Is-is-is that message
old or new? (yelling)
Old or new?! Old or
new?!
get outta here!' You know, but of
c
that you c
ourse, like, after
you
c
an't possibly think of anything else, and
kinda
an't, you know, stop w
just
stares at him) . You don't know
like, you're,
you know.
hat your doing. So it's
You
know...
Ross:
!
(Ross
about your
Mom, what is the matter w
Your Mom, your
telling me, your telling me,
Chandler
Ross:
: You said...
ith
you?
(Chandler
I said '
his head
dow
goes
share
over
' not '
and
scare
sits at
'. Go sit over
a table
and
there!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
Joey
n) .
puts
returning from their DAY
OF FUN!]
and Janice are
Janice:
Joey:
Chandler
Hey
We're
baack!
!
Janice:
: What are you
guys doing together?
(laughs)
Joey and
Janice's DAY OF FUN!!!
Chandler: Really.
Joey:
got
You have got
c
Chi
Yeah, yeah.
nese food, and
We
went
you know,
to a Mets
I love this
game, we
Janice:
go
sw
pick
I just c
ompetition buddy.
woman.
up
the
ame by to give you a kiss, I have to
baby, so. I'll see you later
Chandler
eetheart, you too
Chandler
Joey:
: You still can't stand her
c
. (laughs)
Chandler
I'm sorr
it a
shot.
: Well,
y man, I tired, I really
did.
an you?
you know, I appreciate you
giving
Joey:
is
sur
that
But,
hey, look, you know the good thing is,
we
spent the whole day together
she. It was bat
day at Shea Stadium.
vived, and what's even
more amazing,
so did
and I
Chandler
Joey:
:
stand to be around
her
No man,
Well, I guess that's
something.
that's huge! Now, I know I can
out
, which means I get to hang
anyway.
with you, which is kinda the whole
point,
Chandler: Okay.
Joey:
the coffee
shop and r
Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we
stopped by
Chandler: Oh God!
an into Ross.
Joey:
too.
Hey, if it makes you feel
any better, I do it
Chandler:
Really?
Joey:
I'm hav
Oh yeah, I
always picture your Mom when
[Scene:
Rac
ing sex.
the Civ
hel and Monica's,
Monica is watching
Video:
(Monic
A
il
W
pril
ar videos]
Twelve, Eighteen
hundred, Sixty-One
Tuesday, the U
a lights
Richard's cigar butt) , 4:30 A.M. on
was
f
bombardment by....
ired upon
nited
States garrison at Fort Sumter
(knock on door)
it is now under
(Monic
Monica:
a answers the door)
Mr.
Geller
Hi, Dad, what are you doing her
e?
I thought that I would come into the
city for a little
: Well, it's your mother's
bridge night so
Monicuddle.
smoking
cigars?
(hugs
Monica:
her) Since
when did you start
So, uh, what ar
I
don't, I just,
Mr. Geller
e you really
doing here Dad?
I just like the smell of them.
were okay.
: Well, I just wanted to make
sure you
Monica:
be okay?
What makes
you think that I might not
Mr. Geller
Monica: Oh.
: I saw Richard.
Mr.
Geller
Monica:
How's Richard doing?
I'm
: So, how are you doing?
fine, just a
little tired, I'm okay.
Mr.
Geller
Monica:
Mr. Geller
No, I r
:
You don't wanna know.
Monica:
:
Well, he's doing terrible!
eally, really do.
Mr.
Barbara.
Geller
Really
:
Worse
!
than when he broke up with
Monica:
Mr. Geller
You'r
Monica:
:
e not just saying that
are you?
Mr
Was he cr
No, the man is a
mess.
ying?
Monica:
. Geller: No.
after you left, so he coul
Well, do you
think
Mr
d cry?
he was waiting 'til
Monica:
. Geller: Maybe.
Mr.
I
think so.
with
Geller
graduated
your Mom
: Honey, relationships are hard.
Like
seems her Father
college
and
we
me.
broke
You
up
know
for
after we
travel around Europe,
like he did. Of course, he got
, your
Grandfather, wanted her to
a while. It
to
do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also
straf
(turns ar
ing German troop trains
at the time. However,
puts a blanket around
her
ound and sees that Monica is sleeping and
cigar
, kisses her
Closing Credits
,
and starts watching the video)
, picks up the
End
Ross:
the double
beep?
It's old, it's
302
Monica:
definitely old. Didn't you hear the,
The One Where No-one's Ready talk
[Scene:
Rachel and Monic
to say. Shouldn't I
c
again,
What
unless we
if it's
new? I
had
mean, we agreed not to
go
to a banquet]
a's, everyone is getting ready to
Chandler
it's really
: Honey, you
all
him bac
something
did call
k?
really important
him back. 'Cause, it's,
Joey:
like cider
All right they got
water
, orange juice, and what looks
Ross:
old.
Chandler
. (takes a glass
from the fridge.) broke
Yeah, see Mon,
listen, listen. When Carol and I
Joey:
:
Taste it. know what I did?
up, I went through
the same thing. And you
Yep, it's fat. I
dr
(drinks from the glass and puts it back in
the fridge) Monica: Huh?
Chandler
ank fat!
Ross:
Ross:
okay. (Rachel starts to follow
Monic
I.....got.....dr
essed.
Really, really
Chandler
(entering)
Hey
: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
! Ross stops her and sends her
Ross:
we
go, ther
back to her
a into her
quickly.
Okay,
room.) Ther
room, but
e
Joey:
Why ar
: Hey, mister tux!
en't you guys dressed? Chandler
e we go.
Ross:
We have a half hour. you just sit
right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you
: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up,
to be out the door at twenty to eight.
No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have
know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple
of
Joey:
inches
minutes to get dressed.
Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It
only
takes us two get
in front of
Ross:
can't
mad! Not touching
Joey's
can't
face) Op,
get
not
touching, can't
dressed now.
Well, you
know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got
dress)
get mad! (Joey flings some
mad!
dip onto
Not
Phoebe's
touching
Chandler
Phoebe:
Rachel:
and
Joey: Okay. (they don't move) Chandler and
Joey
Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys!
you, all sex
(entering from bathroom) Hey-
hey! Oh, look at Joey:
: Sorry Phoebe.
Ross:
y. Phoebe:
I'm so sorry.
Rachel:
Really. Ross:
Ross:
Ooooh!
Wow!! Oh, hi. What gets out hummus?! What gets out
hummus?!
No,
What am I gonna do?
no,
don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping)
Rachel:
Hi. Phoebe:
Ross:
How come
you didn't chummus.
Monica, Monica, you know
what gets out
Joey:
'Cause, I'm a stupid,
stupid man.
ome over earlier?
Monica:
Ross:
Hey, Ross, want some
cider? say
If it is a new message, what is he
calling to
huh. Make-up's on, hair's done.
No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your
prPhoebe:
?
Rachel:
Chandler
Okay,
thanks. Yeah, I'll tr
Ross:
and cr
:
Maybe he's calling to
y that.
say your
obsessive
Rachel:
Yay
Yeah, I just
have to get dr
etty close,
! And that
takes what? Just six or seven minutes.
essed.
Monica:
azy.
Joey:
Yeah! Once, I
figure out what I'm wearing. The
Opening
Cr
Glass of fat? room and stops)
NO
Guys:
So, should I call him bac
Noo!
(Monica starts
k?
to go back into her
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting
ner
edits Chandler
Joey:
vous] in the
chair
: All right, f
!
ine, you know
what, we'll both sit
your speech?
What's a
matter Ross? Joey:
Ross:
What you're
nervous about
comfortable.
Me
. (sits
on Joey's lap)
too. In fact, I think I might be
a
I'm soooo, comfortable.
little too
Joey:
No! Do you wanna hear it?
Chandler
Ross:
Am I in it? Ross:
giv
Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for
Chandler
Okay,
: All right! (jumps up)
look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay,
wonder that is Joey.
ing money to the
museum, I sing a song about the when you
, I
want you to go and change! Okay. And then,
Phoebe:
have vac
come back, Joey will go
change, and
Ross:
Chandler
ated the
chair
he'll
Joey:
Hey
(entering)
Hello.
! back it's chair sitting, and I'm the
guy who's....sitting in
: All right! F
.
Okay. Okay.
ine! I'm going. But when I get
Ross:
Wa chair! (leaves)
Phoebe:
Wow, hello! You look gr
hoa!
eat!
Rachel:
Ross:
(sees Phoebe) Pheebs,
what happened?
(entering from her room) Is
this a little too...
Phoebe you, oh, you are
my star
You
Thank you! I know, though.
see this, this is a person who is ready to go.
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
. Rachel:
Hummus. I got
the hummus.
Chandler
Ohh, well, you're my
lucDo you wanna wear my blac
Ooooh! Honey,
well we'll f
Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz,
and it turns out, I do put
: (entering from
bathroom,
ky penny.
with an issue of
Phoebe:
k jacket?
ind you something.
career before men. (to
Joey
Rachel:
Joey:
Let's just get you out
of that. Come on.
No, you'r
That won't go
with this dress though.
e right. Well,
we'll find something.
Chandler
What?
)
Get up.
Ross:
Joey:
: You'r
e in
my seat. clothes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, not
out of that, not out of
Chandler
How is
this your seat? Rachel:
Joey:
: 'Cause I was
sitting there. dress?
Monica, can Phoebe
borrow your
Chandler
But then you left.
Monica:
green
bathroom, you knew
:
Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the
All:
I called him.
Joey:
I was coming
bacMonica:
Nooo.
Chandler
What's the
big deal, sit somewhere else.
k.
message.
But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you
Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a
my seat.
: The big deal is I was sitting
there last, so, that's know
Joey:
breezy
it was like a casual,
breezy
there (points to the bathroom) . Soo...
Well, actually the last place you were
sitting was in Phoebe:
! Oh God, what if it
wasn't breezy
message.
Ross:
you'r
Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'c
?
It was
matter
You guys, you know what,
you know what, it doesn't Monica:
e, you're in
such a breezy
the big vain in my head pops.
So..
, because you both have to go get dressed
before you guys, and you can tell me if it's
breezy
Here, I got it. I'll will
plac
play my
e.
ause,
message
for
Chandler
Joey:
really quic
: All
right, Ross, I just have to do one thing,
Monica:
Monica, how are you gonna do that?
enough.
Monica:
Ross:
All:
(entering) Hi.
kly, it's not a big deal.
(yells at Joey) GET UP!!
you'r
Okay,
I know the code to his answering machine.
Mon,
I really don't think this is the...
Monica:
Hey. (Chandler enters, and
Joey
e dialing, you are dialing.
Okay,
Phoebe:
Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! they
have a show down to see who gets the chair and
is standing near the chair,
Monica:
All right all rJoey wins)
Ross:
Richard:
Monica:
That's,
that's funny. Change!
(to Ross) Ooh,
ar
eady.
e you gonna do magic?
leave a
message at the tone.
(on
machine)
this is Richard. Please,
Ross:
Machine:
Phoebe:
Look, I don't
car
Hang on a sec
e it starts at eight, we
c
ond I just got in.
an't be late.
Joey:
Ross:
have two new messages.' 'Please,
pass the pie.'
Wow, what a cool job. (in a
machine voic
messages.
e) 'You
gonna
be ther
Look, our
We could not, would not
want to wait.
table is down in front, okay,
Monica:
Monica:
checking
(on machine)
it's Monica. I'm
Chandler look at each other)
Has
e, ever
somebody been drinking my
fat?
yone will see if we arrive after it
starts.
my boss is
(Joey didn't
Rachel:
checkin'.
know
in 'c
if
ause I
it was
got this message from
you and I
just
an outf
breezy.
So
let me
old
know,
or new or
or
don't,
what. So,
whatever
I'm
.
just
I'm
paleontologist would wear?
it)
(entering fr
does this
om her
bedr
and
look like something
oom)
You guys, (holds up
the girlfriend of a
Joey:
Phoebe:
totally negates the br
Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that,
Monica:
I don't know, you might be the
first one. Woman's
Rachel:
yesterday was
really fun. Call me about this weekend,
Voice:
eezy.
that
(on machine) Hola, it's me,
makes my calves look fat. Never
U
Rach, did you chec
h, no. Wait, you know
k
the machine?
what, this is the outfit that
okay.
Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little
song today. It's called:
mind.
Joey:
Commercial Br
Now she sounded
breezy.
eak
2 of 41 Pages
[Scene:
earlier]
Monica and
Rachel's, continued from
Monica:
seeing someone.
He's seeing someone. I
can't believe he's
Phoebe:
Monica:
Monica, you don't know that.
Chandler
Well, w
maybe it was his daughter's.
:
Maybe
ho's voic
it was
e was that?
his sister's. You know,
Monica:
it
sound like Mic
Michelle! Of course, it was
Mic
Ross:
make it easy to get a c
Oh,
great.
helle?
helle! Did
It's starting
to rain, that will
Monica:
Mic
It was
Mic
ab.
helle. It was definitely
Rachel:
helle.
her
Pheebs, you go
with Monic
wear
green dress. If that doesn't
work,
a and
you
try on
can
wearing?!
my gray silk one. Oh, gosh,
what am I
Ross:
wearing?
You don't,
Rachel:
you don't know what your
for your big night.
Well, hon-ey. I'm
just trying to look nice
Ross:
exactly
twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just
Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in
pick something out for you.
Chandler
dressed. I, in tur
: All right,
you will notice that I am fully
So in the
words of A. A. Milne,
n, have noticed that you
are not.
dillhole!
,
Joey:
with him,
as he starts to leave)
Okay. (he gets up and
Chandler
takes the cushions
Joey:
didn't say anything about the
cushions.
You
: What are you doing?
said I had to give you
the chair, you
Chandler
chair!
: The cushions are the
essence of the
Joey:
Chandler
That's
right! I'm taking the essenc
nobody in the
room.
: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho,
e.
there's
Ross:
Rachel:
Look, I'm
sorr
unless you would
Ross, that
y, I
thought it looked pretty.
Little Bo Peep.
like me
was a
to
Halloween
go
to this
costume,
thing as
Ross:
inflatable sheep.
Look, I didn't
recognize it without that
Rachel:
would
like back one of these days.
Yeah, which, by
the way Chandler, I
Phoebe:
for me! (she's
wearing another dress on a hanger
Oh Rach,
good, listen isn't this perfect
around her
nec
Rachel:
k)
Phoebe:
Oh,
it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Ross:
Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
what, what, ar
Not for tonight. Not for
tonight! Wh-what,
Rachel:
I love you. I
love you.
No honey, we're sorr
e you
doing?
y, we didn't mean it.
Chandler
went camping.
: We used them
as pillows when we
Ross:
Chandler
What?
Ross:
:
Joey:
Hey, what
you do on your ow
(shyly) The sheep.
Ross:
(entering) Where's my under
what.
Y
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come
wear?!
n
time...
on, come
Chandler
ou took his
under
on,
Ross:
: He took my essence!
wear?
you just wear the under
Okay,
now hold on. Joey, why, why can't
Joey:
now.
Because, I'm not
wear
you'r
wearing
e wearing now?
any
underwear
Ross:
under
Okay, then why do
you have to
Joey:
wear tonight?
wear
commando in another man's fatigues.
It's
a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go
Chandler
gonna have to give back somebody
his cushions.
: Well, then it looks like
somebody is
Joey:
the ex
Okay, you
Chandler
act opposite to you.
hide my
clothes. I'm gonna do
show
: What are you,
what are you gonna
Joey:
me my clothes?
Chandler
Hey, opposite, is opposite!
(leaves)
Phoebe:
: He's got nothing!
huge bow to c
(entering from Rachel's
r
Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!
over the
stain) Okay, I'm ready.
oom, wearing a
Phoebe:
so,
thought, 'All right,
f
but
Rachel, didn't have anything that I
liked,
she had this Christmas ribbon, and I
Chandler
ine I'll be political.'
Phoebe:
: What are you supporting?
Ross:
and
watch stopped. My
I
Okay,
Duh!! Christmas!
have exactly
hey, that's okay with me. Two down
see,
watch. (shows Chandler) Okay,
twelve
minutes.... Wha, my
more.
the, the
dinosaur tail isn't going around any
It's
minutes!!
7:33,
(grabs Chandler's
watch)
I have seven minutes.
What
I
have
time
seven
is it?
Rachel:
quick, what shoes should I wear?
The black or the
(entering from her room)
Okay, Pheebs,
purple?
Ross:
Phoebe:
Just, just, just pick one!
you
have blac
Okay, okay, okay, the
blac
Rachel:
with pants. Maybe I should wear
pants?
Yeahh,
k, w
but,
ith the
little str
but those
appys?
k. But, oh,
do
really go better
Ross:
yet, um, how
'bout you go w
Yeah, pants, what, what an
idea. Or better
I don't know what
you'r
ithout any pants. Look,
just get
your butt in ther
e trying to do to me, but
that f
match. I
it your feet, okay. No,
no I don't c
e and pick out any shoes
your
knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.
don't
care if they make your
are if they
ankles
or
Rachel:
Ross:
But I...
out so we
can go.
No, no, no just do it. Go in there
and pick something
Rachel:
Ross:
Monica:
Thank you!
All right.
Mic
(entering
from her
room) Okay. I gotta c
I just have to.
helle. I gotta see if that was her voice or
not. I'm sorr
all
y,
Ross:
Chandler
It was, it was her
voic
place.
: Monica, I think you've
e.
gone over to the bad
Michelle:
Monica:
Hola! Hello. Hello?
Phoebe:
Okay. That was her right?
Monica:
Definitely.
Okay, I'll get
dressed now.
See there you go. Woo! We're out
of the woods.
Ross:
(phone rings)
Yay!
Phoebe:
Rachel's.
I'll get it,
okay. (answers phone) Hi, Monica and
calling.
(to Monica)
(listens) Yeah, just a second, can
I ask who's
have that Caller Id thing. Y
Oh, ew, it's Michelle! Ew! She, she must
Monica:
ou should get that.
dialed
(on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was me,
I-I
sw
him. W
eet. Yeah, we wer
your
number
e a gr
by mistake.
eat couple. I
know
(listens) Oh,
I r
you're so
Chandler
ell, you know how it is, it's
that....
eally miss
Duc
: (to Phoebe)
You know what's weird. Donald
the shower
k
never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of
what is that about?
, he always put a towel
around his waist. I mean,
Monica:
hear
(on phone) Michelle, I only
beeped in so
I could
mean look, yeah, you know what I would
really appr
my message. I mean that's allowed.
Yeah-huh! I
it
you'r
if y
eciate
(Michelle hangs up) That bitch alway
e not
ou didn't
comfortable with
tell your
Dad
this?
about.
Come
What
on
we'r
do you
e friends!!
mean,
her
bac
s hated me. I'm calling
Ross:
Monica:
No, no, no, no. Tick,
tic
k.
Chandler
Okay, fine. (runs to
her room)
k, tick, tic
k.
Phoebe:
: They got a phone in there, right?
(Rachel comes out from her
Okay, we're on
it. We're on it.
a sweatshirt)
Ross:
may be pushing it a little, um.
Um. I know
room wearing sweat pants and
it says black tie optional, but, um this
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel:
You're not
going to go.
I'm not gonna gooo.
correspondenc
No, I think I'm gonna catch
up on my
Ross:
e.
Rachel:
How, how,
um how can you not be going?
accomplish the not
going.
I'm not gonna gooo, so I think
that will
Ross:
Rachel:
Um, you
know, just out of curiosity...
front of my
friends, I'm just, I don't know, not in a museum
Well, ever since I was humiliated and yelled
at in
benef
Ross:
itty kind of mood.
Rachel:
Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm
sorry. I'm sorr
Ross:
Rachel:
No, but,
your-
It's fine.
y I yelled.
your
Ross:
I'm not mad.
mad.
Rachel:
No.
Ross:
Rachel:
Your
not going.
I'm just not going.
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay. Y
Right.
ou
know that I-I have to go.
Ross:
while your
upset.'
Right. So
Um, hum.
is it
gonna be like 'I'm abandoning you
Rachel: No.
Ross:
Rachel:
No, because your not
upset.
Ross:
Right.
Rachel:
About
the yelling.
Ross:
we'r
Oh,
Right,
and the humiliating.
well of course,
Rachel:
e okay.
the humiliating. So, so
wee,
Ross:
Um, hum.
Rachel:
W
Ross:
Right.
e're good.
Rachel:
Okay.
Honey
Ross:
Phoebe:
I love you. (goes to
kiss her and she tur
Yes, Ross. (turns
towar
?
d him)
ns away.)
No!
She's just getting dr
(she
(
comes
yelling from the bedroom) Get away from that!
into the living room
carr
Chandler
essed.
ying the phone)
(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes)
:
Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?
Joey:
wearing ever
Okay, buddy-
boy. Her
Chandler
taking somebody's
under
: Oh
ything you own.
e it is. You
hide my clothes, I'm
my God! That is so not
the opposite of
Joey:
more clothes? Maybe
if I wasn't going commando...
Look at me! I'm
Chandler! Could I
wear!!
be wearing any
Chandler
Joey:
: Oooo-ooh!
better
Yeah. W
lunges)
not do
hew, it's
hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I
any, I
Ross:
don't know, lunges. (starts
doing
I'm sic
Okay, okay. Enough, enough
with
Neither
k of this. Okay. I've had it
up to her
the
e w
lunging. No!
Chandler
you can come to the party
ith
you two!
Joey:
dressed.
Yeah, Ross,
way to
: Jeez, what a baby.
!
ruin it.
I was just going to get
Ross:
about getting
dr
You know what I don't care. The only person
I cared
even gonna go. Look Rac
essed, is
the one person that says she's not
was a
jer
h, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I
there.
much, how much I want you to be
there.
Look, what, what
k. I'm sorry I
yelled. I want you there, I need you
can I do
that can show you how
Joey:
Ross:
You
could drink the fat.
Rachel:
Hi, welc
No, no,
ome, to an adult c
no, now wait,
wa, wa, waa-it
onversation.
a minute,
3 of 41 Pages
Season 3
wait
actually, uh, that sounds inter
a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute. That
Ross:
esting.
Rachel:
What?
Joey:
I think you should drink the fat.
Ross:
Yaaaay!
how muc
Okay, okay.
If that is what it takes to show you
there.
Then that's what I'll do.
h you mean to me,
and how much I want you
Phoebe:
That's been
sitting out.
Oh, wait, let me get you another
glass.
Ross:
just a vanilla milkshake, with
c
I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla
milkshake,
Cheers.
befor
(starts to
drink, but
hicken bits floating in it.
Rachel stops him just
Rachel:
e he
starts drinking)
go!
No, no, no, wait!
Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll
Ross:
Rachel:
You w
Ross:
You
were really gonna do that, wer
ill?!
en't
you?
Rachel:
Well, yeah.
Joey:
You
were gonna drink the fat.
Ross:
Let's see
what else he'll do!
changed!
(to Joey)
under
(to Chandler)
How 'bout
You,
instead
give him
you,
bac
go
get
ever
wear! I'm gonna go get a cab, and
I
k
want
his
(Joey and Chandler
start to leave, Joey is lunging as he
yone
down stairs in two minutes! Monica!
is
walking)
Chandler
(Monic
: Stop it.
Stop it!
phone)
a runs into the
liv
Phoebe:
ing room, and starts
dialing the
wh-
Richard:
what are you
doing! No, Monic
Ross, went to get a cab so we
can all... No,
a, no!
Machine:
(on
machine) Hi, this is Richard.
Monica:
You
have three new messages.
Machine:
Not any
more!
speaking at the tone.
Message
erased. To record a message begin
Monica:
something
Hi,
getting
anyway, I, I, I beeped into your
my
kind
uh, Richard
period
of
it's Monica, um, listen I did
or
crazy
something,
tonight,
I don't
um, maybe
know. Um,
I'm
message
that, that freaked me out, and um, you know
machine and I heard a
what Michelle w
okay,
I, I
Okay, bye.
hope
ill tell you the
r
that we can for
est. I, I, um, I'm
sorr
get the whole thing.
y,
Machine:
changed.
Your outgoing
message has now been
Monica:
outgoing!!!
Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not,
Monica:
listen I did something kind of
cr
(on machine) a, um,
I'm
Nooo!!
getting my period or something,
azy
tonight, um, may
I don't know.
be
Phoebe:
Monica:
Machine:
I don't
know
How did you do that?
!
Monica:
Good-bye.
Ross:
and no
people. Go! Go! Go!
(entering) Okay, okay,
Noooo!!!!
okay, I've got two cabs
Monica:
Maybe
Maybe we could
call the
can change his number
they
could change
phone company.
Phoebe:
.
the message. Maybe they
himself
Yeah,
after this, I think he'll be doing that
Ross:
.
wow
Rachel!! (she enters)
Wow! You, uh, you
Rachel:
!
look,
(kisses him) Okay, that was about seven
sec
And I still have about five seconds
Ross:
onds.
to spare.
Rachel:
So we'r
by
Come
e a little late.
on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh,
Ross:
the way....
Rachel:
What?
Ross:
Closing Credits
Awwww
I'm
going commando, too.
!!!
[Scene: At the
banquet]
Sherman
London Institute.
Whitfield: Dr
. Geller, Sherman
Whitfield,
Ross:
Whitfield:
Wow! What a
pleasure.
quite
fossils.
impressed
(sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was
with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous
w
Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have
Chandler
ritten.
Whitf
: Excuse me.
Hi.
Chandler
ield: Yes?
Whitfield:
:
Well, your kind of sitting in my seat.
Chandler
Whitfield:
: I mean, I was
sitting there.
What do you mean, your seat?
Chandler
But, you got up!
Whitfield:
: But, I never left the room!
Chandler
End
: All right, that's it,
give me your under
But, you left the chair
area.
wear.
303
The One With
the Jam
Sc
a book and hears the bed in
Joey's room cr
ene: Chandler and Joey's,
Chandler is sitting reading
does a 'Oh no, not
again' look on his fac
Joey:
e.]
eaking,
and
Chandler
(from bedroom) WHOAA!!
your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why
Opening Cr
[Scene:
edits
entering]
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and
Rachel are
Monica:
since 4 o'cloc
Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it
Ross:
Monica:
Wher
k this morning.
you c
Went dow
e'd you get fruit at
four in the morning?
Rachel:
ould get it
wholesale.
n to the docks. Bet ya didn't know
I didn't know there were docks.
Season 3
[Joey and Chandler enter]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Aww,
is it broken?
Joey: No, I gotta wear this
thing for a couple
weeks. (points to the sling
he is wearing)
Rachel: Did you tell the
doctor you did it jumping
up and down on your
bed?
Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out
but then
Chandler sold me out.
Chandler:
Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the
doctor
was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the
socket.
Joey: What is this? Fruit?
Rachel: Monica's making jam.
Joey: Whoa,
jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey,
Ross: And
it works both ways.
Chandler: Okay, so you
both just know this stuff?
Rachel: Well you
know, after about thirty or forty fights,
you
kinda catch on.
Ross: Okay, for instance.
Let's say, Janice is coming back
from a trip
and she gives you two options. Option number 1
she'll take a cab home from the airport.
Option 2 is you can
meet her at baggage claim.
Which do you do?
Chandler: That's easy,
baggage claim.
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now
you're single. It's actually
secret option
number three, you meet her at the gate. That
way she knows you love her.
Chandler:
Okay, this is good, this is good. All right
listen, I
have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at
night, which, you know
I'm all for. But, uh,
you know when you want to go to sleep,
you
want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that
without,
Rachel: Down at the docks again?
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are
cuddling]
Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts
thinking to
him self) 'Look at all that room
on her side, you good
fit a giant penguin over
there. That would be weird
though. Okay, hug
and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm
huggin', your
rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm
is
still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck.
Stuck
arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth
trick, one fluid
motion. Quick like a cat,
quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!'
(Pulls his
arm out from under her and she is spun off of
the bed.)
Commercial Break
[Scene:
Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his
how
Chandler
come we never have jam at
our place?
Monica:
and
needed a plan, a
plan to get over my man. What's
tired
I'm
: Because the kids need new shoes.
of
going
being
into
depressed
business
about
people.
Richard.
I'm sick
I
the opposite of man? Jam.
(sees Joey tr
jam from the
(Joey
mouth
bac
realizes
pot) Oh
this and
Joey
don't! It's way to
ying some
spits what he
had
hot.
Joey:
[Scene: Street, Phoebe
is being followed by
This w
k into the
pot.)
ill just be my batc
in his
h.
guy, as
around and the guy
quic
they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns
some
and continues follow
kly picks up
some flowers
Phoebe:
You!
following me?
I mean, all week long ever
J. C
(turns
rew guy.
around)
ing her
Yeah.
Um,
.]
Why
that's
have
it.
No. Hey
you been
!
look
ther
Guy:
my letters....
You wouldn't
r
e's you.
ywhere I
eturn my calls, you
sent back
Phoebe: What?
Guy:
Phoebe:
One more chanc
e Ursula, please?
Guy:
Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
Phoebe:
Wh..
Phoebe. T
Um, yeah,
you want Ursula, and I'm
Guy:
woman. I am
such a dingus!
Oh,
win sisters!
Seriously.
that's great. I'm stalking the
wrong
Phoebe:
Guy:
Oh, you're not a
dingus.
like
normal guy who sold beepers
and cellul
this. Before I meet your
I
just, I want you to know I didn't used to be
sister I was like this
Phoebe:
you
know. I mean this is just what, what she does
Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault,
ar phones.
to guys, okay.
Guy:
Phoebe:
Well thanks. (starts to
leave)
little
went through this period
where I thought I was a
story.
Wait,
(grabs him)
When I was in
you know
Junior High
what, I got a
School I
witch. And there was this guidance counselor
who
said something to me, that I think will
help you a
lot. He said okay, 'you're not a
witch you're just an
average student.' See
w
Guy:
hat I'm saying?
Phoebe:
Not
really.
you
Um, well, get over
Don't
be so har
just seem to be a really nice
it.
So, I mean you,
guy, you know.
Guy:
thanks
Wait. You'r
d on
yourself okay.
flowers he bought.)
for
being
e right. I know you'r
so nice. Here
(gives
e right. And,
her
Phoebe:
cup of c
Oh, thanks
the
a lot. Do you want to get a
Guy:
offee?
Phoebe:
Yeah, okay.
following her) Okay, you don't have to walk
behind
Okay. (they start to leave, he is
still
me any more.
Guy:
[Scene: Monica
and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel ar
Sorry.
entering]
Rachel: Mon?
e
Ross:
Rachel:
Mon?
Monica
Geller
(reading) 'Gone for more jars. Bac
k later
Ross:
Rachel: What?
Wait a
minute, look.
.'
.
Ross:
Rachel:
Look, look, look.
Ross:
What, what, what?
Rachel: Oooh.
It's an
empty apartment.
Ross:
Rachel:
W
like ten minutes (
Honey, c
e're all
alone in an empty apartment.
ome on, I have to
be at wor
all right, well it's not like I'm
employee of the year
Ross starts kissing her
neck) Oh,
k in
or anything. (they fall
onto the couch)
(Chandler
pretend that
Ross is show
enters and they both jump
up and
couch.)
ing her something in the
Ross:
Rachel:
There it is.
(to C
Oh, oh, that's what you're talking
about.
Ross:
handler) Hey.
Chandler
Hey.
Ross and Rachel:
: Do I look fat?
Chandler
Noo.
me and I said no, she
took that to mean that I was
: Okay, I accept
that. When Janice asked
calling her a cow.
Rachel:
through it.
Okay, walk us
through it, honey, walk us
Chandler
today?'
And I, I looked at her
: Okay, well. Janice
said 'Hi, do I look fat
Ross:
....
never look. You just answer
Whoa, whoa,
whoa. You looked at her. You
look fat? Nooo!
Does size matter?
Is she prettier
,
it's just a r
than I
eflex. Do I
am?
Noo!
Rachel: Nooo!
you know,
accidentally calling her fat
or
Rachel:
'cause we're cuddlily sleepers.
(
Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't
something.
face) Okay, I'm late for wor
Chandler makes
an 'Ewww'
help you there,
Ross:
k.
Rachel:
Oh.
Ross:
All right are
you guys gonna come down?
Rachel:
Uh,
yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
Chandler
Good luck Chandler
Ross:
:
Thank you Rachel.
.
Rachel:
Bye
sweetie.
Ross:
tricky business, but
ther
(blows
Bye hon.
her a kiss) Okay
the
Chandler
sleepers.
: Well, I
thought
e is something you c
sleeping
you guys wer
an do.
thing. Very
e
cuddlily
Ross:
need
and Ross puts his
hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.)
the
Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just
her
room. Okay, come here. (they sit on
.
I'm like you, I
the couch
Okay, you're in
bed...
Chandler
Ross:
: Yeah. (they
both notice where his hands are)
Chandler:
Yeah.
I'm gonna use the cushion.
Ross:
cuddling. Now you wait for her
Okay, you're in bed. She's
hug
over to her
side of the bed. And then you r
her
(demonstrates on the cushion)
to drift
over
on your side,
off
and
, and
roll
then you
her back
for her!
Roll for you.
ollll a-way. Hug
Chandler
Ross:
Chandler
Yep.
:
Okay, the old hug and roll.
Ross:
: Okay,
one question.
Chandler
Shoot.
[Scene:
Central Per
: You're pretending the
pillow
of jam]
k, Joey is putting jam on
his muff
's a girl right?
in, lots
Joey:
would
Remember w
little
spoon?
drop you off at
hen you where a kid
the movies w
and your Mom
Rachel:
ith a jar of jam and a
Phoebe:
(Looks
at him) You're so pretty.
All:
(entering)
Hi!
Phoebe:
Hey, Phoebe.
me? I talked
to him today.
Hey, oh, you know that guy
who's been following
Joey:
crazy
Phoebe:
?
(
with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are
you
spray
following me, I mean he was, but
'c
it.
Okay, f
Anyway
irst I'm not
crazy. And second, say it don't
his name is
Malcom, and he wasn't
U
come up and talk to
me. 'Cause of the restr
rsula, ick. And, that's
why, that's
ause he thought I was
why he
couldn't just
Chandler
aining order.
Phoebe:
: Umm, not feeling better 'bout
Malcom.
just like this, this ver
Ooh! No,
no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's
that got like a tinsy bit carried away, you
know. And we just
y passionate, incredibly
romantic guy,
get along
r
Ross:
stalker
Oh
eally well, and
he's so cute.
my God, you've got a crush on
your
Phoebe:
.
sister's
'de-
No,
went out with her
Ursula-ized', like
you know, like I did for Joey
I'm just gonna
help him, you know,
after he
get
Joey:
sprays Phoebe with crumbs)
(with
his mouthful)
.
Hey, I didn't stalk her. I
mean (he
Phoebe:
Monica:
Okay, I asked
for the new
s, not the weather.
All:
(entering) Hey guys.
Monica:
Hey Mon.
blackberr
Joey, this is for you.
(gives him a jar of jam) It's
Joey:
y
curin.
Chandler
Aww. (tastes it) Ohh!
place buck naked (holds up one hand) , or
:
Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from
jam.
(holds up the other hand)
, or a big tub of
the Xerox
Joey:
Monica:
Put
your hands together.
batch.
Joey, take
your time with that. That's my last
Joey:
Rachel:
No more jam?!
Monica:
Well, what happened to your jam
plan?
jar just to break even. So, I've got a
new plan now. Babies.
I figured out I need to
charge seventeen bucks a
Chandler
Ross:
Monica:
What ar
:
Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.
e you
talking about?
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
I'm talking about me hav
ing a baby.
Monica:
Are you serious?
was taking
control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the
Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was,
I
most important thing to me in the world and
that's when I
came up w
Ross:
what is
uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
Well,
ith the baby plan.
aren't you forgetin'
something?
What, what,
Monica:
spend my life w
It took me 28
years to f
I'll be 56
befor
Chandler
e I can have a baby, and
that's just stupid.
ith, if I have to wait
another
ind one man that I wanna
28 years
then,
Monica:
best swimmers. And there,
ther
I
: That, that's what's stupid.
don't need an actual man, just a couple of his
get that stuff.
e are places you can go to
4 of 41 Pages
spy
Malcom:
stuff]
Phoebe:
know real str
Here's my
binoc
Oh, great. Great.
ulars.
You're
doing great, you
Malcom:
ong. Going strong.
Keep going.
the book
These are my night
vision goggles. This is
the park. And these
ar
I pretend to read when I'm watching her
Phoebe:
Malcom:
Oh, yeah. What's this?
(pic
e Mad Lips, they're just for fun.
in
ks up a book)
movement. Do you wanna
her
Oh, this is log I kept,
Phoebe:
e something from it?
recording
her every
Malcom:
Um, not even a little
bit.
Phoebe:
Malcom:
Oh, okay then.
It's about you.
really
(reading) I
met Phoebe
then when I was walking home I
thought about her a
nice to me eventhough I'm
suc
today.
h a loser
She
. And,
was
lot, it was weird, but kinda
c
Phoebe:
ool.
Malcom:
Good. So what
were you thinking?
you.
I was thinking
what it would be like to kiss
Phoebe:
Malcom: No.
Really?
Phoebe: Oh.
Malcom:
maybe I coul
See that's just something I said now, so that
Phoebe:
d kiss you.
[Scene:
straight
out of the jar
Monic
Oh, okay. (he kisses
her)
a and Rachel's, Joey
is eating
jam
amazement. Joey offers hi
, and
Chandler is staring at him in
Chandler
mustard.
: No, that's all
m some.]
right. I just had a jar of
Monica:
donor number 03815, come on down!
Okay, he's 6'2
(entering from her bedroom)
Okay, sperm
170 pounds, and he describes
hi
Dav
mself as a male Geena
Chandler
is.
Ross:
: You mean
there's more than one of us.
this, I'm, I'm
gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
Look, you can't do
this Mon. All right, if you do
Monica:
Ross:
You're gonna what?
Rachel:
I'm gonna tell Mom.
but you're
crazy.
Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I
love you,
Ross:
Monica:
Crazy.
the
ideal way to something....
What?! Why? Why is
this crazy? So this isn't
Ross:
Monica:
(interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
be
looks at you. It makes me ache, you
know?
ideal,
Lips moving, still
but
I'm so ready. No, I-
talking. I mean
I-I
see the way Ben
it may not
Joey:
Monica:
Check it out!! Jam
crac
Italian-
Okay, all right,
kers!
how
Wow, big family, seven sisters, and
he's the onl
American guy. He's an actor, born
's
in Queens.
this? 27.
(they
y....boy.
personal comments:
all turn
and look
Joey:
'New Yor
at Joey)
k
Knic
Oh
ks, rule!'
my God, under
Monica:
Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Joey:
Oh, right.
Let
Joey, this
is you!
me see. (goes over and looks at the
form)
Rachel:
Joey:
NYU.
Well,
When did you go to a sperm bank?
gave you for
your birthday
(to Chandler)
right after I
Hey,
did that
Remember
sex
that
study
sweater
down at
I
Chandler
Joey:
donated. I'm kinda
Noooo,
: And that's how you bought it?
?
that's what I was wearing when I
left.
surprised there's any of my boys
Monica:
I've got an actual roc
Well,
honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean
Joey:
ket scientist here.
put my 'Days
of
Maybe, I should call this place and get
them to
puppy up a little.
Our Lives' on
here. You know, juice this
Phoebe:
All:
(entering) Hellooo!
Ross:
Hey.
Phoebe:
How's the maniac?
Rachel:
Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
Phoebe:
Phoebe, what are you doing?
into that stuff anymore. He quit for me.
Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not
Rachel:
sister
giv
, for God
Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with
your
knows how long, okay, you don't just
Phoebe:
e up something like that.
and
ever
Ross:
y
Look, he gave me his night
vision goggles
vision goggles?
You'r
thing.
e taking the word of a guy who
has night
Phoebe:
think he is still
following her?
What,
he's not still
following her. Do you
Chandler
order
:
Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining
Phoebe:
.
Monica:
should just trust
him.
I
What ar
think,
e you
saying I shoul
that if you really like
d
do?
this guy, you
Phoebe:
Joey:
Orrr
Thank you, Monic
, you could follow
a.
him and see where he
Season
3
goes.
Monica: Oh, that's what I would
do, forget mine.
[Scene: Central Perk]
Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to
the cast on Janice's wrist)
Janice: Oh.
God, crazy Chandler. He spun
me...off...the...bed!
Rachel: Wow!
Spinning that sounds like fun.
Janice: Oh,
(laughs) I wish. No, you know he was
just
trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
Rachel:
(turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and
kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
[Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following
Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she
comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can
next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking
the
other way and passes Phoebe, who quick
tries to
hide behind the garbage can. But,
Malcom sees
her.]
Malcom: Phoebe?
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living
room) Uh,
Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you
for a second?
Chandler: Sure. What's up?
Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship
thought.
Probably something your already
familiar with, uh, women
talk! (smacks
Chandler over the head with a magazine)
End
304 The One With The Metaphorical
Tunnel
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's:
everyone is there and they
are watching an
info-mercial that stars Joey.]
Host: Welcome
everybody, welcome to Amazing
Discoveries!
Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again!
Joey: You
guys, can we please not watch this all right.
All: Shhhh!
Host: Folks, has this ever
happened to you. You go to the
refrigerator to
get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the
background struggling to open a cartoon of
milk) and these
(Ben is holding a Barbi doll)
What's ah, what's my boy
doing with a
Barbi
?
Carol: He picked it out of the
toy store himself, he
loves it.
Susan: He
carries it everywhere, it's like a security
blanket, but with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why,
why does he
have it, again?
Susan: So he's
got a doll? So what? Unless you're
afraid he's
gonna grow up and be in show business.
Carol:
This doesn't have anything to do with the fact
that he is being raised by two women, does it?
Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay
with the
Barbi
thing, so am I.
(cut to
later in the day)
Ross: Give daddy the
Barbi
! Ben, give, give me the
Barbi
. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to
play with the
monster truck? (makes a monster
truck sound) No.
Okay, oh, oh, how about a
Dino-soilder? (squawks like
a dinosaur)
Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't
your son
Phoebe:
Malcom:
Y
Phoebe:
What are you doing?
es? Yes!
Oh.
um, my part of an old sandw
Oh, I was
just here looking for
, um, my
(picks
one up out of the garbage can.)
ich. Oh, here
it is! Oh.
Malcom:
Phoebe:
sorr
Wer
Um,
e you following
me?
perhaps. Yes! Yes,
I'm sorry, I'm
on my sister
y. I was just afraid that you
were still hung up
Malcom:
.
don't
f
trust
So you spied on me. I c
me.
(Ursula walks
an't believe you
Phoebe:
inds behi
past, and Malcom
my
O
nd the pillar)
h well, what do
you know, there goes
like
identic
coincidenc
me.
al tw
What,
in sister
is this
. Just walkin' along
looking
just
Malcom:
e, or did you know
she takes this tr
like a freakish
couldn't.
I'm so pathetic.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I
tried to stop, but I
ain?
Phoebe:
partly my fault, 'c
No, no,
it's not your fault. Y
Sorr
anymor
y, no.
Okay,
ause I made you quit cold tur
ou know
it's
well, I mean, I can't date
key.
voice)
help you
W
e, 'cause
your
ow! But um, but I will def
, you know
(in a high pitched
you
initely, definitely
while.
U
Huh?
get over my
sister
Yeah, and, and,
. Okay,
and,
stalk
I'll be
me for a
like an
Malcom:
rsula patch.
Phoebe:
come
on. Op, op, behind the pillar
Uh-huh, I
don't know.
Yeah, just, okay, look
I'm
going. Um,
gonna go?
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Joey is entering]
, which way
am I
Joey:
Monica: Hey.
Hey.
Joey:
Monica:
Where you going?
Joey:
To the bank.
Monica:
Sper
Joey:
Sper
m or r
m.
egular?
Monica:
So you'r
Joey:
Oh yeah,
pic
e really doing this, huh?
ked a guy,
37135.
Monica:
Sounds nice.
Joey:
'Fraid so. Brown hair
Monica: What?
No
kiddin', hmm.
, green eyes...
Joey:
guy.
No, I-I f
igured you would've picked a blond
Monica:
Joey:
ending up with one of
those tall, smart blond guy
I
Really
don't know,
? Why?
I
just always pictured you
name like....
Hoy
s,
Monica: Hoyt?
Joey:
t.
this great house w
It's a name, yeah. I
saw you, you know, in
Monica:
ith a big
pool.
Joey:
Monica:
He's got the body
for it.
Really, is he a swimmer?
Joey:
I like that. (Joey starts laughing)
What?
'We
pool.', you know.
don't
sw
You guys have one of those signs that
says:
im in your toilet, so don't pee in
our
Monica:
Joey:
We do not
have one of those signs.
you have these
thr
Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh!
And
Monica:
Joey:
Two girls and a
boy?
ee great kids.
Monica:
Yeah!
water
And, and, and they wear
running
around on the dec
wings, you know. And they're,
those
they
little
'r
big towel
around all three of them.
k. Then Hoyt wraps
this
e
Joey:
you know
Sure! (Monica
gets very depressed) But hey,
Monica: Yeah.
this way sounds good too.
Joey:
looks
at
Oh Monica.
this
the form and
(goes
stops
over
hugging
and
hugs her
her.)
,
W
then
(sees
Monica) for like a day. (hugs her
guy's an
astronaut. That would've been
ow,
Closing
Credits
again) .
cool,
[Scene:
the
last of the jam]
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is
finishing off
Joey:
sold
product. I
mean, I-
a
I c
single
alled the
sper
unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my
m
bank today, they haven't
rest of the jam out
of the jar
I-I don't get it (tries to drink the
face, on his chin, nose, etc.)
and gets it
all over his
in person.
Maybe if they met
me
Rachel:
(points to her whole face)
Honey, you got a little thing on your...
Joey:
mouth) Did I get it?
(wipes a
little jam
from
Rachel: Yeah.
the corner of his
Ross:
Rachel:
(entering) Hello.
Hello.
darn
cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Joey:
and
better
spills milk on
(on tv) Oh, you
the
said
counter)
Aw
it Mike.
! There's
(rips open
got
the
to
carton
be a
Mike:
way!
Joey:
Rachel:
Can we
please turn this off?
And there is Kevin.
Mike:
guarantees that you'll never have to
open up milk cartons
Ther
Noo way,
Kev
e is a
in.
revolutionary new
product that
again. Meet the Milk Master 2000.
Ross:
Chandler
(to Chandler) Are you
intrigued?
Mike:
you'r
Keep
:
You'r
in mind,
e flingin'-flangin' right I
am!
he's never
ahead.
e gonna
you
jab into a paper milk c
('Kevin'
see
starts
how
using
easy
the
this
used this product before,
product,
is to do.
it is a spout
(to Kevin) Go
rip it open.) This
wor
arton so that you don't have to
that
Joey:
Wow,
milk ever
it
(on
is easy.
TV, finishing
ks with any
milk carton.
(starts to
installing
poor the
the
milk)
Milk
Now, I
Master
can
2000)
have
(They all start laughing at him)
yday.
Opening Cr
[Scene: Central
Per
edits
on
k, Chandler, Monica,
Janice
chair
the
Chandler
.]
couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to them
are sitting
in the
Janice:
start to
kiss and lean bac
W
:
ell,
Well,
it's off
let's go to a
icial there are no
good movies.
Monica:
(turns sideways on the
couch)
Perhaps, you w
k into Monica.)
bad one and make out. (they
ould like me
to turn like
against my bac
so
that you can bunny bump
this,
Joey:
k.
Phoebe: Hey.
(entering) Hey!
Chandler
Joey:
: Hey, man. What's up?
why I
Maybe you can tell me. My agent
would like to know
today. The f
didn't show
up at
could you not give me the message?!
irst good thing
the audition I
she
gets me
didn't
in w
know I
eeks.
How
had
Chandler
wasn't me.
: Well,
I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, it
Phoebe:
her) Okay, it was me!
Yes, it
was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all
star
Joey:
e at
Phoebe:
How is
it you?
mean, Chandler was in the closet,
counting to 10, and he
Well, it was just, it
was all so crazy, you know. I
was
meant to
tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand. See,
up to 7 and I hadn't found a place to hide
yet. I-I-I
all of it. (show
Joey:
s him
her hand)
Monica:
Yep, that's my
audition.
ever
See, now this is why I keep
notepads
Phoebe:
ywher
Janice:
yourself
another appointment.
Y
e.
What
ep, and that's why we don't inv
is the
great tragedy here?
ite you to play.
You
go get
Joey:
told her that I missed my
chanc
Well, Estelle tried, you know. The
casting director
Phoebe:
e.
my fault.
That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it
was totally
Joey:
doesn't talk to friends,
she only talks to agents.
Pheebs, you can't
do that. The casting director
Phoebe:
(starts dialing) .
What a sad
little life she must lead. Okay,
Joey:
ooh
Phoebe:
What, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
a differ
off
it's
about.'
ice. Um, is um, Ann there for Phoebe,
she'll know w
ent voice) 'Hi, this is
Kately
No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on
the phone in
nn, from Phoebe Buffay's
hat
Joey:
Phoebe
Hang up, hang up.
(reaches with his good arm, but
other arm but
c
grabs it and he tries to reach the phone with
his
Phoebe:
an't because of the sling.)
with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his
audition. W
(on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we
got a problem
did you
what
husband
leaves and burns dow
I'm
speak
going
to
to
in my
ho
do
w
off
ith
ice? Estelle,
her. No. All
no, I
right,
don't know
so your
does not stop.'
n the apartment, the world
Chandler
Phoebe:
: Is anybody else
scared?
audition, that is it for Estelle. I
don't c
(on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if
Joey loses this
doll, w
are! Annie you are
a
(Chandler hands her one, but she needs
something to right
hat time can you see him?'
(to Monica) I need a pen.
on, so she tilts
Chandler
of his nec
's head over and writes
on the back
Chandler
k)
pad! A
: Get
the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad!
A
Monica:
pad!
[Scene:
Oh, now you
want a pad.
off Ben]
Monica and Rachel's,
Carol and Susan are dropping
Carol and
Susan:
Ross: There's my boy
(entering)
Hey
! Here's my boy
!!
! And here's his
Barbi
5 of 41 Pages
just
pour milk
into her c
play with his
doll?
Monica:
ereal)
(uses
the
Milk Master 2000 to
work. Has anybody seen my
left boob?
(entering from her
bedroom) I gotta go to
Joey:
Monica:
I love that movie. (Joey
is using it as a pillow
Joey:
There it is.
Joey, w
)
Chandler
I'm sorr
hat are
you doing?
Answer the phone.
: (entering
with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe!
y, it just
felt nice.
Joey:
should be doing stuff for
me. Go get me a sweater
Hey, I only got one
good arm, you know. You
Chandler
going to
have to see her
: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice
and if I get it I'm
.
Oh, that's gr
tonight. (phone stops ringing)
Rachel:
see
Janic
What's
eat I'm gonna have to see her
tonight.
the big deal? Why don't you wanna
Chandler
e?
came, she put half her
:
Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals
took my tomatoes.
chicken piccata on my
plate and
Ross:
piccata?
And that's bad
because...,
Chandler: Noo.
you hate
chicken
Ross:
tomatoes ar
You didn't
want to
Chandler
e very important to you.
share your tomatoes,
couple. And this
alar
: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were
this
'Run for your
m started going off in
my head:
Rachel:
Monica:
Men ar
life! Get out of the building!'
minute you
What
e unbelievable.
away
start
is
to
it
feel
with
something, you
you people! I
have
mean,
to
the
run
Chandler
?
loses
: I know, that, (looks at her fake
chest, and
don't want
his train
something stupid.
to go
of
tonight,
thought,
I'm
temporarily)
afraid I'm going
that's why
to say
I
Monica:
act mean and distant until
you get us to break up with
Oh, you mean like
that guy thing where you
you.
Joey:
Chandler
Hey, you know about
that?!
don't
wanna go through the tunnel,
to the other side!
wanna
: Look what do I
do? I wanna get past this, I
be afraid of the
commitment thing. I
(Joey looks quizzic
Ross:
Chandler
(to Joey) Where there is
no fear
ally at Ross)
of c
bumps
Monic
: Do we have any... (turns
ommitment.
around and
here?
Joey:
a's fake
chest) Do we have any thoughts
'cause
W
through w
as
ell, I've never been
thr
I understand it, you're
ough the tunnel
myself,
not allowed to go
seems
know,
fac
to me
ith more than one girl in the
car
it's pretty much
, right. But, it
to
bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this
case, you have a fear
the top
e your
fear
of the
. It have a fear of heights,
you go
like anything else, you
building!
If you're afraid of
of
most committed guy
there ever was.
commitment, so I say you go in
there and be the
Rachel:
Chandler
Amazingly, that makes sense.
Joey:
: You
think?
stare down the barr
Oh, yeah. Go
for it man, jump off the high dive,
Chandler
the
which way.
barrel
: Yeah, Joe, I assur
el of the gun, pee
into the wind!
of a gun, I'm pretty
e you
if I'm staring down
much peeing every
[Scene: Central Per
Phoebe:
k, Phoebe's
beeper is going off]
I use the phone again?
Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can
Rachel:
for
Joey:
, emergencies and
pretend agents.
Sure Pheebs, you know, that's
what it's there
Phoebe:
Come on baby, come
on!
Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay,
well, um, she's
(on phone, in 'Katelynn's'
voice) 'Hi, I have
in her c
Rachel:
ar
I'll have to patch you through.'
Phoebe:
Very nice touch.
normal
Fantastic!
voice
(in voice,
um, 'Will he
wor
(to Joey)
on phone)
on phone)
'Okay, go ahead.' (in
You got
Um,
it.
(on
hi
phone) Oh,
Annie.
(listens)
okay,
know about that, (Joey
clears his throat to signify yes)
k for scale?'
you ask me. Well, I don't
except that I do and
he w
sw
about we
eetheart. I would love
to have lunch with you, how
ill. Great, oh you
are such a
went through a tunnel.
have lunch next.... (hangs up phone) Op,
Rachel:
Joey:
Unbelievable.
Phoebe:
Thank you so much.
a car phone
befor
It was really fun, I mean I've never
talked on
Joey:
huge favor
You were
e.
amazing, could you just do me this
I really, really want, and Estelle c
, you
see there's this one other audition that
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it
ouldn't get me in.
was fun one time.
Season 3
Joey: Come on, please,
it'll be just this one more,
well actually
it's two.
Phoebe: Two?
Joey: Yeah! Well,
well really it's three. Please.
You're so good
at it. I love you.
Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it,
but just these three, right
Joey: Nooo, four.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and
Janice
are having dinner]
Janice: So, how
come you wanted to eat in
tonight?
Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you
this.
(hands her a present)
Janice: Ohhh,
are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact
paper! I
never really know what to say when
someone
you're sleeping with gives you contact
paper.
Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more.
See
the contact paper is to go into your brand
new
drawer. (gives her a drawer) See, the
drawer
actually goes in my dresser.
Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because,
you're
fall for that?
Joey: (entering)
G. I. Joe
! Cool! Can I play?
Ross:
Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil
interests
overseas!
Joey and Ross: Go
Joe!!!
Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees
Joey and starts to
leave)
Joey: Pheebs!
There you are!
Phoebe: No it's not, sorry.
Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe!
(catches
her in the hallway)
Phoebe: Oh,
Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't recognize you
wearing, in those....pants.
Joey: Look
listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did you
hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get
it! Okay, I
mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
Joey: It's okay, these things
happen.
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you
know what,
you're, you're in a terrible,
terrible business. Oh God, I
don't wanna be
the person who makes your face look like
that.
Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but
fails horribly)
the good ice cream now,
right?
Rachel: Yeah, it is.
Monica: You
know what, everything's gonna be okay.
(phone
rings)
Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi,
Janice! Can
you hold on for a second? Okay.
(to Monica and Rachel)
Okay, what do I do?
Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this
is totally
unprecedented.
Monica: If-if-if
we ever did what you did a man would
never
call.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: Hello!
Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I
got it,
pretend like you just woke up, okay,
that will throw her
off. Be sleepy.
Rachel: Yes, and grumpy.
Chandler: What
are you, stop naming dwarves! (on
phone)
Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I
know I've been acting a really weird lately.
And, it's just
because I'm crazy about you,
and I just got...stupid,
and, and scared,
and....stupid a couple of more times.
I'm
sorry. (listens) Really?! (listens) Really?!
my
should get.
girlfriend, and that's
what girlfriends should,
Janice:
Gaw
Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh
my
Chandler Bing would buy me a dr
d! Who,
would've thought that
Chandler
happened,
:
awer.
someday,
should take a
trip.
and,
Well,
ah,
not
and,
me.
and
But
there's
that's
more.
what's
We
Janice:
Chandler
W
couples
:
e should?
Yep, we're
a
couple and that's what
should take a trip
w
do. And, I wanna meet your parents.
Janice:
ith your parents!
We
you'r
Chandler
e tripping me out right
now
(laughs) I don't think we need to, because
amazing. My
: I am,
! Are you okay?
and
entire
I
life I
actually
have
am.
fear
I mean this is
deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in
together
now that I'm here it's like what was
ed this place,
the big
and I'd be
okay.
.'
Janice:
together?
Chandler
You probably want us to move
in
Janice:
even
Yeah,
: It doesn't
sc
well, it
are me!
scares me!
I
inv
sudden
ited
divorced yet,
Chandler
me
And,
you'r
over
e
talking
here
about
for pasta,
.
You know, you
mean I
just
not
moving
and
in
all
together
of the
what,
and I wasn't
even that hungry. You know
.
um... (starts
to leave)
it's getting a little late, and I-I
should just,
Chandler
ya'!
: Oh, no,
no,
awkward, and desper
I've said too
much!
no, don't go!
I'm hopeless,
I've
scar
and
ed
Chandler
her machine)
Hey, Janice! It's me. Um, yeah, I-
then calls
Janice
ate for love!! (Janice leaves,
to
leave a message on
just wanna apologize in
advance for hav
I-
you down the
str
Commercial Br
eet. (runs out the door)
ing chased
I
[Scene: Monica
eak
are comforting Chandler]
and
Rachel's, Monica and Rachel
Rachel:
ice
cream)
Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub
of
Chandler
say
: So, I f
inally catch up to her and she
to slow
down.
s this relationship is going to fast and
we have
Rachel and
Monica:
Monica:
Chandler
That is never
good.
Uff.
Rachel:
: Then I got all
needy and clingy.
a minute. Maybe it's not so
bad. How did you leave
Okay, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait
it?
Chandler
Rachel
stomachs in pain)
and
: She said she'd
call me.
Monica: Ohh! (both grab
ther
Chandler: Oh God.
e
Monica:
Chandler
Welcome to our side of
the tunnel.
way.
: This ice cream tastes
like crap by the
Rachel:
soy milk junk. We
sort of, we save the r
Yeah, well that's that
lo-cal, non dairy,
those r
eal stuff for
Monica:
eally terminal c
over all the
time, you gotta sw
You know, when you
ases.
start get screwed
Rachel:
Chandler
Yeah, you do.
itch
to low-fat.
Monica:
you just, you just need
some damage control.
Well, no,
: So, you
don't think I'm ter
not at all, you're not
minal?
terminal,
Chandler
Rachel
and Monica:
: Okay, okay. So, should I call
her?
Rachel:
you feel yourself r
This
is a ver
Nooo!
y critic
go
bath.
You want
shoe shopping, you
eaching for
that phone, then you
al time right now. If
get your butt in a bubble
aloof.
her
back you have to start acting
Monica:
Rachel:
have to accidentally run
into her on purpose. And
She has to know
that your not r
Right. So, what you have to do
eady.
is, you
then act aloof.
Chandler
Rachel:
: So I'm not, not gonna
lose her?
Chandler
Oooh, honey, you're not
a total loser.
Rachel: Oh.
: I said, 'So
I'm not gonna lose her?'
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Ross is still tr
get
Barbi
doll.]
Ben to play with something other than
ying to
the
Ross:
toy
Guess
who's
here. It's the toughest guy in
G.I. Joe
land, Ben. (singing) 'A real
American hero. I'm
Rachel:
!' Drop the
G.I. Joe
? Do you
Barbi
, drop the
really think he's
Barbi
.
gonna
Phoebe:
what, I, I'm sorr
Oh, now
you're sad and creepy,
Joey:
ever had! Look
Pheebs, rejection is part being an actor
No!
No, no you
y I quit, okay, I just quit.
oh. You know
can't quit! You're the best
agent I
can't take it personally.
, you
Phoebe:
never met an Italian actor
Not
personal, r
Joey:
w
eally,
ith a
w
well they said that they
Phoebe:
They
actually said that?
orse Italian accent.
can't do this job! I...
Yeah. Ooh God,
there's that face again! See I
Joey:
agents
No, no, no, see that's why you have to do
this job,
'They went another way', but this, I
c
always lie. You know, Estelle just
bad
Italian accent) I canna wor
an use this. (in a
ver
says stuff like
y
Phoebe:
Ross:
Yeah okay, no if it helps
you okay. Yeah.
k on a new accent.
get
repeatedly and falls bac
me,
(running
Joe!!!
into
(he
the hall,
then
pretends
in slow motion) You'll
that he
gets
never
dead.)
k against Joey and
Chandler's door
shot
,
[Scene:
purpose, accidentally bumping into her
A
grocery store that Janice shops in. Chandler is on
Janice:
sound and she notices hi
(to
butcher) No, thank you.
.]
Chandler
m)
Chandler!
(Chandler makes a
Janice:
Chandler
What ar
: (in a
British accent) Hello, Janice.
you been?
:
(in accent)
e you doing her
Oh, just
e?
a bit of shopping. How've
Janice:
Chandler
A
re you being
British?!
Janice:
neighbor
Why ar
:
(normal voice) No. Not anymore.
Chandler
hood. W
e you shopping here?
You don't live in this
picking up some things
for a party. (gr
: Yeah,
ere you here
waiting for me?
huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm
just
shelf)
abs a bag off of the
Janice:
Chandler
Barley?
W
sophistic
: Well,
hat kind of party
ser
I'm sorry if my
ves barley?
friends
aren't as
Janice:
Chandler
Where is
this party?
ated as yours.
Janice:
Chandler
Who's party is
it?
: Here in Chelsea.
Janice:
: A woman's
Chandler
What
woman?!
Janice:
here.
which would make
you the biggest jerk on the planet. O
Either
Okay, you know,
: (shyly) Chelsea.
you're seeing
one of
somebody
two
things
behind
is happeni
my back,
ng
else you're pretending that you're
seeing somebody, which
r,
just makes you
here in the cer
so pathetic that I could
start
you want to be?
eal aisle. So like
w
Chandler
(another guy walks by
hich of
these tw
crying right
)
o guys do
[Scene: Central Per
: Can I be that guy?
Phoebe:
of stuff to work on.
Okay, so we got some mor
k, Joey and Phoebe are
ther
e good rejections, lots
e]
Joey:
Phoebe:
Okay, shoot.
Joey:
Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Phoebe:
I didn't get it?
human being.'
So, you can wor
No. They
said you
'Weren't believable as a
Joey:
k on that.
Phoebe:
Okay, what else?
pretty but
dumb.'
Um, the off-Broadway play people said
'Y
ou were
Joey: Oh.
Phoebe:
Joey:
Oh no wait, I'm sorry,
that's 'pretty dumb.'
appreciate
Look,
back to Estelle.
this Pheebs,
it's
okay, no,
but I think I'm
no, no, really,
gonna
look um, I
have to go
really
Phoebe: Oh.
Joey:
than she is, but at
least w
Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're
a better agent
pretty dumb brains out.
ith
her I don't want to blow my
Phoebe:
Joey:
Yeah, no, I understand.
Phoebe:
You do, thanks.
Joey:
Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave)
Phoebe:
What?
Wait a minute.
Joey:
to get out
of being my
Wait a minute, did
you
just make up all that stuff just
Phoebe:
busted.
(in a coy tone)
agent.
Oh, you caught me. I am so
Joey:
I suspected-ah.
(in a really,
really bad Italian accent) That's-ah what
[Scene:
counter and Rachel and Monica are
c
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on
Chandler
barley at her
: ....And then I
just, you know, threw the bag of
omforting him
again.]
the
Monica:
, and ran out of
the store.
Chandler
My God! Chandler
:
I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time
for
, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'.
6 of 41 Pages
Rachel:
sleeping w
He's soo lucky, if Janice wer
Chandler
ith
somebody else by now.
e a guy, she'd be
Monica:
into the 'good' ice cr
Aw,
: (on phone) I love you too.
it's soo
[Scene:
eam)
unfair. (they both start
digging
picking
Monica and Rachel's,
Carol and Susan are
sy
up Ben, while
Monica is pouring chocolate
Carol:
rup,
lots of it, into her ice cream.]
Ross:
the
doll he chose.
Hey,
G. I. Joe. G. I.
Joe?!
I don't know what to tell you guys
that's
Susan:
Ross:
can't deal w
Look,
What'd you do, dip it in sugar?
G.
I. Joe
's in,
Barbi
's out. And if you
guys
Monica:
ith it, that's your 'too bad.'
has
woman.
a Barbi,
What
ar
big
e you being such a weeni
deal.
You used to dress
e for? So he
up like a
Ross:
Monica:
What?
all the time.
Well, you used to dr
ess up in Mom's
clothes
Ross:
Monica:
What
ar
handbag.
The
e you talking about?
big hat, the pearls, the little pick
Ross:
Monica:
Okay, you are totally
making this up.
call you...Bea.
How can
you not
Ross:
remember? You made us
Susan:
(remembering) Oh God.
Monica:
I've literally never been this
happy.
Carol:
Wasn't there a little song?
Ross:
song!
There was no
Oh
please God, let there be a song.
song. (to
Monica) There was no
Monica:
Ross:
(singing) '
I am Bea.
'
Monica:
Okay.
Ross:
bathroom)
Okay,
'I
drink tea.'
that's, that's enough. (retreats
to the
Monica:
Ross:
around with
me.
(coming out of the bathroom) W
'....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
on't you dance
Monica:
in the bathr
A-ha!!! (they
all start laughing, as Ross
hides
Closing Credits
oom)
[Scene:
young
It's an old home movie
of the Geller's backyard,
himselfherself some
tea.]
Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring
Young Ross:
you danc
onto hisher
dress) Ohhh! (runs away cr
e around
w
(singing)
ith....' (spills some tea and it
drips
'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't
YoungMonica:
wipe up the spill)
(entering the shot) Ross!!!
ying)
(starts
to
End
305
The One With Frank Jr.
[Scene: Chandler
the apartment]
and Joey's, there is lumber
all over
Chandler
Joey:
: (entering)
Hey
!
Chandler
Hey
tick you
off?
:
!
Hey-hey-hey. So what
happened? A forest
Joey:
place for the
mail.
No. Y'know how we'r
e always
saying we need a
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey:
to take it to the next step.
Well, I started building one. But then I decided
Chandler
Joey:
built right in. It's a
one day job, max.
No,
: You'r
an
entertainment
e building a post off
unit,
with
ice?
a mail cubby
Chandler
really tight jeans) My wor
:
Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some
Joey:
Valente's.
Oh yeah. These are my
d! Those are snug.
old work pants, Sergio
(Chandler
However
bedroom over the
bottom half.)
, only the top half opens, and he
trips into his
goes to his bedroom and opens
the door.
Joey:
Opening Cr
Power saw
kinda got away from me there.
[Scene:
Outside Central Per
edits
and forth waiting
for someone.]
k, Phoebe is pacing back
Rachel:
Phoebe: Hey
(joining Phoebe
outside) Hey Pheebs.
Rachel:
!
Phoebe:
Any sign of your brother?
Rachel:
Phoebe:
I thought you onl
No, but he's always late.
sistery, y'know,
'Frank's always late.'
Yeah, I did. I
y
met him onc
think it sounds
e?
y'know
big
Season 3
Rachel: Well relax,
he'll be here.
Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just
nervous. Y'know it's
just y'know Mom's dead,
don't talk to my sister,
Grandma's been
sleeping a lot lately. It's like the
last
desperate chance to have a family, y'know,
kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're
not allowed to have cups out here, it's a
thing.
(takes her cup and goes back inside)
[Scene: inside Central Perk]
Chandler:
Does anyone else think David
Copperfield is
cute?
Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks
your a fox.
This old stuff just comes right
off. (he bends down to try
and lift some tile
right in the middle of the floor, in his tight
pants.)
Monica: That's a little more than
I wanted to see.
Joey: (manages to pry off
only a small piece) Aw! Look at
that, every
inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take
forever
to pry this up. You should ah, you
should just leave it.
(starts to walk away,
but Monica grabs him)
Monica: I can't leave
it! You gouged a hole in my dingy
floor.
(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over
the hole,
which is in the middle of the
floor.)
Joey: Eh! There you go.
Monica:
He's retiling my floor. (they both run to the
bathroom)
Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get
up!
Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this,
you will
finish it.
Chandler: He started
mine first!
Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly,
lay the tile
Cinderelly.
[Scene: Phoebe's,
Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.]
Frank:
Whoa! Big octopus.
Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings
and Phoebe answers it)
'Hello. (listens) Oh my
God, I totally forgot! (listens)
Well can't
someone else do it. (listens) But, I have
Chandler
likes hi
: All right, Janice,
likes him. In fact she
Joey:
Chandler
Her what?
m so much she put hi
m on her
freebie list.
get to pic
and the other one
c
k f
: Well, we
ive celebrities that we
can sleep w
have a deal, where we each
ith,
Ross:
Honesty, r
Ah, the heart of
ever
an't get mad.
Monica:
espect, and
sex with c
y healthy
elebrities.
relationship.
Chandler
So,
Chandler
Halle
: Ah, Kim
, who's on
your list?
Basinger,
Rabbit.
Berry,
Yasmine Bleeth, and
Cindy
ah,
Crawford,
Jessica
Rachel:
and way
out of your league?
Now, you do realize that
she's a cartoon,
Chandler
if I could get
her eyes to pop out of her
: I know, I know, I
just always wondered
Joey:
Monica:
Hey,
Monica, who would yours be?
head.
a list.
First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have
Joey:
'C
Rach, how about you?
an-you-
believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.)
It's just a game Mon. (makes a
Rachel:
John F. Kennedy, Jr
Oh, I
don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel,
Par
Ross:
ker Stevenson.
., Daniel
Day Lewis, Sting, and
Rachel:
Spiderman?
Chandler
Hardy Boy.
Ross:
: Peter Parker.
Rachel:
Thank
you.
your list?
What about you honey, who
would be on
Ross:
serious
Well
I-
canidates into c
thought.
I-I, that
kind of thing r
First, I'll divide my
equires some
perspective
Chandler
Phoebe:
:
atergories....
my half-brother Frank.
(entering)
Ever
(coughing) What a geek!
body this is
Frank! This is
All:
Phoebe:
Oh, hi.
Frank:
This is everybody. This is Ross.
Ross:
How are you?
Phoebe:
Hey.
Chandler: Hi.
Chandler.
Frank: Hi.
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey:
Frank: Hey.
Hey-hey!
Phoebe:
Frank:
Phoebe:
Whoa!
This is Monica.
Rachel: Hi!
And this is Rachel.
Frank:
Phoebe:
Whoa!!
Frank:
I'm gonna get coffee.
Chandler
Hey, how do you guys get anything
done?
Rachel:
: We don't, really.
big
plans?
Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot
of
Phoebe:
y'know bond, and everything.
Oh yeah! Y
eah, no, we're gonna
connect,
Frank:
go
stars. And, oh, um,
my
dow
Yeah, I was thinking that may
n
to Time Square and
be we could
to take a
picture of a hooker
friend Larr
pick up
y, he wants me
some ninja
Chandler
advantage of living in the city.
: You know, we
.
don't really take
Joey:
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is
drilling a hole
I know.
in
really
the wall and the drill
rushes out to talk
to Joey.]
close to Chandler's
comes
head.
out
Chandler
the other
then
side
Joey:
Chandler
Oh, I'm sorr
drill, you
: No, you didn't
get me!! It's an electric
y. Did I get 'ya?
Joey:
get me, you kill me!!
Chandler
Calm down, do you want this unit
or not?
Joey:
: I do NOT
not
going
to Monica's.
a
Well, you should've told
me that before, I'm
want this unit!!
mind
reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm
Chandler
the
door
door,
:
then
Fine!
he
(goes
slams
into
the
his
bottom
room and slams
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Joey is entering]
.)
half of
the
Monica:
1982?
Hey! Where 'ya
headin' in those pants?
Joey:
hardware
Oh Monica, listen, I
sale. If you ever
want to redo the bathroom floor
store, they got
those
ah, I saw down
designer tiles on
at the
Monica:
floor?
Why, what's
wrong with my bathroom
.
Joey:
Monica:
Nothing. It's just old and dingy,
that's all.
bathroom)
I highly doubt
that. (they both go to the
Joey:
see
what color the tile used to be. (
Oh yeah. If
you ah, move your hamper, you
Yeah.
Monica
gasps)
Monica:
do? What ar
I can't live
like this! What ar
Joey: Relax. Here hold this
(hands her hi
e we gonna do?
e we gonna
s beer) .
Monica:
there after the
surgeons r
You know that's nice, y'know we
could put it bac
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and
her
emove it from your
k
watchi
, are
sitting on the counh,
colon!
Phoebe:
ng TV]
Frank:
(sits up) Oh,
ew!
Phoebe:
What?
you roll your
Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can
and
from our Dad.
I thought y'know, I
tongue? Because I can, and my Mom
c
figured that was something
ouldn't,
I
got
Frank:
Phoebe:
What, wait, you mean
like this? (does it)
can't)
Yeah, yeah.
You can do it to. (tries to do it, but
Frank:
Phoebe:
Your not doing it.
We don't have that....
Oh right, yeah
okay, my Mom could, and I can't.
Frank:
Phoebe:
When's your birthday?
Frank:
Feburary 16th.
Phoebe:
I
know
Frank:
Wow, that's close. When's
yours?
a guy who's the 18th.
Phoebe:
October 25th.
what kinda things do you like to
do at home?
That's the same month as
Halloween. So, um,
Frank:
[Scene: Central
Per
Melt stuff.
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay,
I've got thr
k, Ross is working on his list]
Ross:
Three of your f
ee of my
f
ive, what?
ive.
Rachel:
Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep w
Ross:
Oh
my God! You are giv
ith.
Chandler
Yeah,
it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.
ing this a lot of thought.
to?
: All
right, so who do you got it narrowed down
Ross:
Chandler
Okay, Elizabeth
Hurely....
Ross:
: Oooh-hoo, very
attractive, forgiving.
Chandler
Susan
Sarandon.
wouldn't let you do it, unless you
donated four c
: Eh, y'know what, she's to
political, she probably
f
ans of food
Ross:
irst.
Chandler
And!! Isabella
Rosselini.
she's
: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very
sexy. But ah, y'know
around.
too
international, y'know she's never gonna be
Rachel: So?
Chandler
who's gonna be
in the countr
: So, you gotta play
Rachel:
y like all the time.
the odds,
pick somebody
Rosselini, geography.
Yeah,
'cause that's why you won't get Isabella
[Scene: Phoebe's, F
Phoebe:
rank is
melting a plastic spoon.]
Frank:
Okay so,
by melting, you meant melting.
Phoebe:
Yeah.
Frank:
Phoebe:
Yeah, you can melt
art. Hey, c
So is it like art?
an I use
your phone?
Frank:
Phoebe:
No, I wanna
melt it.
Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call
your Mom?
gonna
headache.
go
Oh,
to bed,
well um,
I think
not
the
right
fumes
now.
ar
Y'know
e giving
I'm
me
just
a
Frank:
Phoebe:
(starts
laughing) Yeah!
Frank:
G'night, bro.
Phoebe:
G'night.
in case.
Here.
(gives him a fire extinguisher) Y'know, just
Frank:
hose.)
Oh, excellent. (starts
to melt the fire extinguisher's
Commercial
Br
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe
eak
with Monica while F
is
balcony]
rank is playing with num-
chuc
eating breakfast
Monica:
ks on
the
Phoebe:
What kind of karate is that?
Monica:
No kind. He just makes it up.
Phoebe:
So how's it going with you guys?
y'know
and Ross, just like close and
connected and....
that
So far
he'd
, it kinda blow
feel more like
s. I
don't know, I just thought
a brother y'know,
like you
Monica:
believe
Oh honey,
we're close now but you-you wouldn't
wedgies,
and
the years
head
waistband actually
goes over your head.
like she
atomic
of-of nugies, and wedgies, and
flying
doesn't
wedgies, and....
understand)
(Phoebe
That's
shakes
her
Phoebe: Ah!!
where the
Monica:
shadow game.
Oh, we used to
drive each other crazy playing the
Phoebe:
Monica:
Oh, how do you play the
shadow game?
Phoebe:
Oh, how do you play
the shadow game?
Monica:
I just asked you.
Phoebe:
I just asked you.
Monica:
I don't have time for this.
Phoebe:
No,
that is what the game is.
Chandler
Which
you just gave up really quickly.
Monica:
Chandler
What's the
matter?
: (entering) Have you seen Joey?
stuck
really,
to the
: Oh, just
this! (turns around and has a paint lid
back
of his pants.) Y'know what it's
varnish.
because the couch is usually where we
keep
my fault
the
Joey:
hand me one
of those tiles.
(yelling from bathroom) Hey,
does somebody wanna
Chandler: What's going on?
7 of 41 Pages
company.
come in.'
(hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I'm really
sor
(listens) Yeah, no look, that's all right
I'll
but I
ry
and he's insisting that
I do 'um.
have to go to work. It's-it's one of
my regulars
Frank:
Phoebe:
Hey, what
kind of work do you do?
and stuff.
Oh!
I'm a masseuse. I give people massages
Frank:
parlors?
Phoebe:
You-you work at one of those massage
Frank:
no idea.
(starts
Well,
y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!
laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had
Phoebe:
you wanna come with me?
All
righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless
Frank:
Phoebe:
You mean like watch?
the house! Y'know w
No, no, you can get
one yourself. It'll be on
Frank:
hat are
big sisters for?
Phoebe:
Well, I don't
think this, y'know.
that would be weird. Y
No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean
girls to do it. Oh, this w
eah, no, I'll
get one of the other
excited?
ill be so
much fun! Hey! Are you
Frank:
[Scene:
Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel w
ork
there?
Monica are admiring the new
floor
Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey
Monica:
there ever was. (
It's
beautiful! It's like the f
.]
and
irst
bathroom floor
Whoa! A
Chandler tries to go
to the bathroom)
Chandler
re you
going in there for?
Ross:
: What, like a
number?
Chandler
(entering)
Hey
Ross:
(holds up a little c
Okay, I'm
done with my choic
: Hi! Bye! (runs to the
bathroom)
!
es, these are f
Rachel:
Joey:
W
ard)
inal.
Ross:
Ooh, ver
ell, it's about time.
y official.
his computer
Oh, yeah,
well y'know Chandler printed it up on
Monica:
Ross:
And w
.
ho
laminated it?
Rachel:
That w
Thur
All
ould be me.
Pf
man, Winona
right let
Ryder
me
,
see.
Elizabeth
(grabs
Hurely,
the card)
Michelle
Uma
Ross:
ieffer
Rachel:
Hey, it's my
list.
, and Dorothy Hammel?
that on ice.
Okay honey, you do realize she only spins
like
[Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (
being
usher
Phoebe's work) , Frank is
by
ed
in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in
Frank:
another girl.]
Y'know, ow
Ow!-Ow
!-Ow! Ow! Ow!
Phoebe:
!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Frank:
Hey!-Hey!
What's going on?
Girl:
She broke my arm.
Frank:
He touched my fanny.
Girl:
No, she touched mine f
Frank:
That's my
job!
irst!
with you, but I can't touch
you?
So wait, what's the deal here, I can
have sex
Phoebe and
Girl:
Phoebe:
Girl:
You can't have sex
w
Ewww!!!
ith her!
Frank:
What'd
you think I was, a hooker?
Phoebe:
No,
your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.
Whiffler
Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you
ask Mr.
Jasmine:
if he can wait for like
f
don't like you!! (leav
Fine. (starts to
leave, and points at Frank) I
ive minutes.
Phoebe:
you thought I did!! God! That's not
what I do!
(turns around and hits F
es)
rank) So that's what
Frank:
Phoebe:
Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?
Frank:
y'know, I just, I mean, I don't
know.
I
Nooo! Why would you think that?
don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city
Phoebe:
weekend anyways.
Whatever,
it's the perfect end to the perfect
Frank:
can't believe that I screwed it up
so bad.
Oh, wait, no your right, no it was
perfect and I
Phoebe:
Frank:
You really
thought it was perfect?
y'know
those
great talks y'know.
it was
Well, no,
maybe-
pretty cool, y'know,
maybe it wasn't
'cause we had all
perfect, but
Phoebe:
great for you?
Yeah, um, which
ones in particular were
Frank:
and
how
Well y
'know about the tongue
thing, y'know,
Phoebe:
I told you about my
likes and my dislikes...
Frank:
I
don't....
stuff that doesn't melt.
How-
how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike
Phoebe:
Frank:
Right, okay, um-mm.
'cause y
Yeah, y'know I feel like I can
really talk to you
Phoebe:
'know
Frank:
Yeah, I guess I
do, yeah.
you're my sister, y'know.
mad
at me.
Then I go feel your friend up and make
you
Phoebe:
Frank:
Well, I-I wasn't
hopping mad, y'know.
Phoebe:
You hopped a
little bit. Yeah, I really sorry.
weekend,
right now, this.
Okay. All right, this is my
favourite part of the
Frank:
Phoebe:
Thi
U
s?
h-huh.
Frank:
Square,
Oh
broken by
a hooker
we
c
found
ome on we went,
we went
ninja stars, I almost got
to Time
arm
Phoebe:
Frank:
She wasn't a
hooker
...
will be.
Well, when I tell
my friends about her she
.
[Scene:
helping to lift the entertainment
c
Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there,
Chandler
Joey:
: Okay, on three.
One....T
enter into place]
Chandler
Why
don't we just go on two.
wo....
Joey:
Chandler
Because it's faster
:
Why two?
.
four times w
: Yeah, I
coulda counted to three like
Rachel: Oh!
ithout all this 'two' talk.
Joey:
Ross:
All right, but in the
futur
Rachel:
Okay!! Okay!!
e...
Ross:
Come on!
Chandler
Heavy
thing, not getting lighter!
Joey:
: Okay,
one...two...
All:
is
blocks some of
both of their bedroom doors.)
one
All
right!! (they lift it into plac
So we are
going on two?
small problem, the unit is
e, however
so long
ther
that
e
it
Chandler
Joey:
: Oh, good
job Joe.
Chandler
Wow, it's big!
makes
our doors look smaller!
: Yeah-yeah, so big
that it actually
Joey:
Phoebe:
Maybe,
my ruler's wr
Joey:
little of your
door
Look
May
it's
be all the
rulers ar
ong.
not that bad. So what,
e
wrong.
it blocks a
Chandler
How-how
'bout it bloc
: Yeah, y'know what I got a
better idea.
, a little of my door.
lot
to tr
of yours? (throws his
ks none of
mine door and a
shoulder into the center
Joey:
y and move it, but it doesn't move.)
wet.
Yeah, listen, before I forget that
side is still
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel
coffee.]
is serving some guy
Rachel:
Ah, so this is a half-caf, double
tall, easy hazel nut,
Okay sir, um-mm, let
see if I got this right.
non-fat, no foam,
w
(the
away and under her
guy nods)
Okay,
ith whip, extra hot latte, right?
(Isabella Rosselini
breath) Y
great.
ou fr
(she
eak.
starts to walk
Ross:
Isabella:
(to Gunther) Thank you.
enters)
(Ross rec
(to Gunther) Um,
coffee to go, please.
mouthi
Ross:
ng
'Oh my God'
ognises her and goes over to the
couch,
Monica:
Isabella Rosselini. (points
to her)
God.
Are you serious? (they all
look) Oh my
Ross:
Monica:
Damn! I
c
Ross:
Why? 'Cause other
an't believe I
took her off my list.
wise you'd go for it?
Rachel:
Yeah, maybe.
Ross:
Rachel:
What you don't think I'd
go up to her?
Oh-oh, you lie.
admit you
liked me.
Ross, it took you ten years to
finally
Ross:
is laminated.
Yeah, well
missy, you better be glad that list
Rachel:
we'll c
You know
Ross:
all her an alternate.
what honey,
you go ahead,
Rachel: Okay.
Okay, hold my
crawler.
Monica:
this?
Rach, are you
really gonna let him do
Rachel:
Rosselini.
I'm just sorr
Honey, he's about to go hit on
Isabella
Ross:
know me, but I'm a big, big
fan of yours. I mean,
(to Isabella) Hi!
y
we don't got popcorn.
Hi, I'm Ross, you don't
Blue Velvet
could
(Gunther hands her
change) Or maybe reimburse
um,
, woo-oo
hoo! U
maybe buy you
m, I was wondering if
I
a cup of coffee?
you for that
one?
Isabella:
(points at Rachel, who waves
bac
Aren't
you with that girl over
there?
Ross:
k)
we have an
understanding, um, see we each have
Well,
yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see
this
list of f
allowed to sleep with you. No, no,
no, it's flatter
ive famous people, (gets his
out) so I'm
Isabella:
Ross:
I'm sorry.
(starts to leave)
y.
don't just dismiss
this so fast. I mean this is a onc
Oh no, no,
no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't,
in a
lifetime opportunity...
e
Isabella:
Ross:
Yeah, for you. Is that
the list?
Isabella:
Um, yeah.
Ross:
May I see it?
Isabella:
Um,
no.
Ross:
Come on! (grabs the list)
Isabella:
But, okay.
Ross:
Isabella:
Um, see, but that's not
the f
(reading it) I'm not on the
list!
inal draft.
Ross:
the list
but my
Yeah, um, okay see, you wer
It's
laminated!
brought
friend, Chandler
(Chandler
e, you wer
waves)
e on
international, so I bumped you
up the very
good point
local.
for W
that
ynona
Rider
you are
,
Isabella:
Ross:
Y'know it's ironic...
Isabella:
What?
coffee house guy
...bec
ause
I have a list of five goofy
that guy over
there. (points at a guy and leaves)
s and
yesterday I bumped you for
Ross:
be
friends.
(to the rest of the gang) We're just
gonna
Closing Credits
[Scene:
the
entertainment c
Chandler and Joey's, they are
Joey: Y'know what?
enter]
admiring
Season 3
Chandler: Umm?
Joey:
All
right. (
the center)
I bet 'ya ya I c
ould fit in ther[Scene: Chandler's,
Chandler
Chandler hugs him.)
Chandler
Chandler
is inter
view
Joey:
: I've got f
e.
(points to a hole in
ive bucout
Chandler
Get out your checkbook,
mister
ks says you c
.
an't.
right
things)
: (running
Bedroom.
around
Bathroom.
the apartment
ing Joey.]
Living
pointing
(Joey
(opens door)
Bye-bye.
here is the kitchen, and thanks for
r
coming
oom. This
by,
Chandler
closes the door
successfully
: Oh, I think
I have the c
enters the
ash.
Joey:
Joey:
on Joey.)
entertainment
center, and
questions?
Don't you
ah, don't you wanna ask me any
Chandler
You are dogged man! I totally fChandler
through the handles so that the doors won't
open) I'm out
: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a
2x4 and puts it
it!
Joey:
:
Sur
f
my
door and fr
ive big ones!
(puts the money in the crack between the the gay
thing.
ow
Well, ah, I'm an actor
e.
Ummm. What's up?
n TV. Oh, and don't w
.
I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got
orry I'm totally
okay with
Joey:
Chandler
well
Thank
you. C
ame) Here you go.
Joey:
(Chandler
hello Mr. Lincoln.
ha-ching! (
Better
Chandler starts to leave)
luck next time
buddy.
Oh,
thing. I'm totally cool with
that.
Ah,
: What gay thing?
y'know
just in general people being gay,
on me!
leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are
[Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the
stairs.]
End
Chandler
(Joey is
leaving and notices Monic
: Well okay Jerry,
thanks for stopping by.
him)
a, as
Monica notices
306
Monica: Hi.
The One With The Flashback Joey:
[Scene:
(Joey
Hey
Janice.]
Central Perk,
the whole gang is God!')
leaves
!
and
Monica mouths to Chandler
Janice:
there including
[Scene: A bar
'Oh
my
sleep w
Janice has a question. Who of
the six of you has Chandler
Phoebe:
ith the
six of you? Monica:
Ross:
that suc
:
, Chandler is entering.]
Hey-hey-hey.
Hey, Mon.
You wanna hear something
Janice:
I'm sorr
Wow, it's like a
dirty math problem.
Chandler
ks.
got
drunk and stupid.
Come on over
y the
answer
the years none of you ever
there
would be...none of us.
y'know, Monica:
:
Do I ever
Joey:
Chandler: No way
Chris
says they're closing down the bar
.
.
Janice:
Well, that's rMonica:
!
people who spends as much time together as you
guys do
I'm sorry I f
eally a different
question.
ind it hard to believe that a group
of kinda coffee place.
Yeah, apparently
they're turning it into some
has never bumped
uglies.
Chandler
Joey:
now
: Just
coffee! Wher
Rachel got together
Well,
there was that one time that Monica and
Monica:
?
e are we gonna hang out
Monica and Rachel:
. Chandler
Got me.
Rachel:
What?!! Monica:
: (to
bartender) Can I get a beer.
Joey:
Excuse
me, there was no time! Chandler
Hey, did you
pick a roommate?
Janice:
Okay, but let's
say there was. How might that go? Monica:
you
ever
Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has
any of Chandler
Is it the Italian guy?
:
You betcha!
Rachel:
.... almost?
Monica:
: Um-
Ross:
Does anybody
need more coffee? Chandler
He's so cute.
mm, yeah right!
Joey:
Ythat I can walk
around w
: Oh yes, and that's what I want a
roommate
Opening Cr
Hey, there's a dog out
there!
eah, I'll take some.
funny one.
ith and be referred to as the
[Scene:
Monica and Phoebe's, three years earlier
edits
Monica:
Monica, and Ross are ther
, Phoebe,
I'll be bac
Oh look, the pool table's free.
Rack 'em up.
Phoebe:
e] your butt.
k in
just a minute. Get ready for me to whip
Ross:
Chandler
Phoebe:
What?
Oh,
that is so unfortunate.
pool.
: Okay, but
after that, we're shootin' some
weight.
Cute
naked guy is really starting to put
on Rachel:
Monica:
(to w
(sitting at a
table with some of her
a minute. Oh, Phoebe
I'm sorr
(entering from bedroom) Okay, I'll be
bacHi. My friend order
aitress) Oh, um, no, no,
no, no excuse me, hello.
friends)
the
phone.
y that I left lipstick mar
k in just
ks on ordered a rum and
ed an onion, not
an olive, and uh I
Phoebe:
is.
Diet
Coke
, which I don't think this
Monica:
Waitress:
Phoebe:
Oh, then
it must've been you. Bye. (leaves)
You didn't
leave lipstick marks on the phone.
Rachel:
out.
(angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross)
That's why I moved
it to get a couple
drinks right, huh?
That's all right. (to her
friends) I mean hard is
I am so sorry.
Ross:
Friend No. 1
gonna tell my sister
that you don't live here anymore.
Hey, y'know
while we're on that, when are you the woman,
w
:
Phoebe:
Dr
ho in one year from
today, bec
Well, I would like to propose a
toast to
ome Mrs.
Ross:
I think on
some levels she already knows. Rachel:
. Barry
Farber DDS
night, she doesn't know that you
sneak bac
Phoebe, she doesn't know that you
sneak out every (holds her
Ummm, I think it's
time to see the ring again.
and
Friend
Gr
she doesn't know that you've been
k
ever
living with your
y morning,
hav
No.
hand out and they all scr
2:
Oh, isn't it exciting,
eam)
I mean
it's like
Phoebe:
andmother's for a
week now. Rachel:
ing a boyfriend for life.
Chandler
Okay, well maybe not on those
levels. F
Ross:
: (entering, with a goatee)
Hey. Rachel:
riend No. 1: W
Yeah, I know.
hat?
Chandler
Hey. of
Barr
Phoebe:
: I'm never gonna find a
roommate, ever. feel
y
Oh, I don't know.
Well maybe it's just the idea
for the rest of
my life. I don't know I think I
Chandler
Why, nobody good?sorta get it out of my system.
(
like I need to have one last fling, y'know,
just to
ferrets,
: Well let's see,
ther
e was the guyver
that enjoyed my
name so much he felt the need to make a
that's
plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the
with
guy
the
Friend No. 1
y intensely)
Chandler is listening in
little noise
ever
Friend No. 2
:
Bing
y time he
said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler
Rachel:
:
Rac
You'r
hel stop!
Ross:
Bing!
Great apartment Chandler
Bing,
Bing!
some...meaningless,
I'm
serious,
e so bad!
I really, I think I
need just to have
Chandler
So how many
more do you have tomorrthat I see.
sex y'know,
with the next guy
And this actor guy, w
:
Two. This photographer, who seemed r
ow?
eally dull. (Chandler thr
he
Chandler
ows the cue ball under there
table.)
said 'W
called
Rachel:
Monica:
hoa-
and I answered
ho I'm not sure about, because when
whoa,
short message.'
the phone 'Chandler Bing,' he
Chandler
Y
:
eah, so?
Excuse, I
seem to have dropped my ball.
table) , foot on
the floor or c
(entering) Ross (who has his
foot on the coffee again. (
: (picks
it up) And now I've picked it up
Ross:
Monica:
walks over
she notices.
(to Phoebe) Sure, your
ome
over
dresser
no more!
is missing but
this (to Rachel) Rachel! Hi!
Oh my God, I went
to
to Monica.)
high school with her.
Monica: What?
Rachel:
Ross:
her
Monica! Look! Hi!
What do ya think?
(shows
soo...
I have to go. Yeah, Carol
should be home by now, Monica:
, her
ring)
Chandler
Titanic hit it.
Oh my
God, you
can't even see where the
Ross:
Rachel:
f
Oh,
: Umm, how's
it going w
better, actually. Y'know
ith you
guy
I-I-I think
s?
I finally you
ver
Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor,
thank
Phoebe:
igured out why we were having
so much trouble lately. Monica:
y
muc
Ross:
Oh, really?Congr
Awww,
h.
just like you always wanted.
really
Rachel:
atulations
week she
meet this woman at the gym, Susan something,
have any
Yeah, y'know how I have you guys,
well she doesn't
close friends that are
just hers, but last you seeing anybody?
Thank
you. So how-how 'bout you, are-are
and they
really
Monica:
differ
hit it off, and
I-I-Rachel:
Aww, not right now.
[Scene:
ence
I think it's gonna make a
Monica:
Oh, but that's okay.
roommate.]
Chandler's, Chandler is
interviewing a potential Rachel: Yeah.
I
know.
Chandler
(An awkward silence)
do?
: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of photography do
ya Monica:
Er
Rachel:
So, I'll get-get
bac
from time to time, I hope that's
cool.
ic: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be
models here Chandler
Oh, yeah,
Chandler
me?' thing) Listen, can we please
have lunc
, who holds
sure,
up the
sure, sure,
k to my friend.
cue ball
as a
sure.
'Remember
(points at
y'know......never
: Yes, that is cool.
Because I have models here time I'm in the
city?
h the next
Er
Monica:
weekends
ic: Oh,
.
Rachel: Okay
Oh, that'd be gr
welcome to use by the
at
yeah,
my
sister's
during
beach
the
summer
house,
, I spend most
Monica:
!
eat.
you, she's a porn
star. (
way.
Chandler br
Although,
which you are
eaks his pencil in half)
I should probably tell
Rachel: Bye!
Thanks.
Chandler
Monica:
ah meet,
see that woman again in my life.
Bye! (to
Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never
you're
chances are pretty good. (
but
: Well,
listen I ah, still have one more person to
unless it turns out
Eric
to
offers
to shake hands)
be your sister, I think
[Scene: Monic
Phoebe is walking by c
a
and Phoebe's, Ross is on the phone, as
arrying
a lamp.]
8 of 41 Pages
Season 3
Ross: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just
g-go
with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls
night out is a
great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Phoebe: So what are they doing?
Ross: I
don't know, something girlie.
Phoebe: (to
Monica, who's entering) Hey, you're
early.
month because I got like a dot of ink on one
of the sofa
cushions.
Monica: Well, you-
you coulda just turned the cushion over.
Phoebe: Yeah, I would've except I had a big
spaghetti
stain on the other side.
Monica:
What?!?!
Phoebe: Okay, this is what I'm
talking about, this. I-I need
Phoebe: Oh.
(they start kissing again)
Ross: Wait, wait,
wait.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: My foot is stuck
in the pocket.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: No, I
can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not
something a girl wants to
Monica:
Phoebe:
What are you doing with
the lamp?
Monica:
you took the stereo,
'c
Oh, well
I'm just taking it to be
re-
don't take it to the
wired.
same
place
for over a week.
ause they've had
that thing
(There is a knoc
its
Mr
Phoebe:
. Heckles)
k on the door,
Phoebe answers it,
noise up here.
No, no,
Mr
. Heckles no one is making any
Mr.
Heckles:
Phoebe:
You're disturbing my oboe
practice.
Mr. Heckles:
You don't play the
oboe!
Phoebe:
I could play the oboe!
it down. (slams the door
Then I'm gonna
have to ask you to keep
(in the hallway, Eric
is moving in)
in his face.)
Mr.
Heckles:
Er
roommate.
ic: Hi, I'm
Eric, I'm
(to Eric) Who ar
gonna
e
you?
be Chandler's new
Mr.
Heckles:
Er
Mr.
ic: I-I-I don't think
so.
I'm Chandler's new roommate.
roommate.
Heckles: I could be Chandler's
new
Er
Mr. Heckles:
ic: But, he told me
over
Er
Mr. Heckles:
ic: That's weird.
He told me in person.
the phone.
apartment now. (goes over to the door
Well, I'm going to go into my new
it) Ehh!
(Eric leaves)
(inside Chandler's
in
screams.)
from his bedroom,
apartment,
Chandler
and opens
sees Mr.
Heckles,
is coming
and
[Scene:
leaving.]
the
hallway, Joey is
moving in, Monica is
Monica:
Joey:
Chandler
Hey
Hi, again.
!
(goes into the apartment)
Monica:
:
(leaving to go to work) Hey!
Chandler
Thank you soo, much.
never showed up. Okay, I
gotta get to get to work.
: Oh, don't thank
me, thank the jerk that
(Joey
pick up a
heavy box)
comes back into the hallway and
starts to
Monica:
Joey:
You want some
help with that?
don't!
Oh, no
thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I
Monica:
Joey:
Whoa! Ar
rush.
Whew! Stood
e you okay?
up to fast, got a
little head
Monica:
and then pulls
it away
It's the heat. (has
her
Joey:
Monica:
That's a uh, that's a
tough combination.
) And-and the humidity.
hand on his chest,
lemonade?
Do you
wanna come in for some
Joey:
apartment)
Wow
Like you wouldn't believe. (they go into
the
Monica:
comfortable.
Thank
! This is a gr
you. Just
eat place.
make yourself
Joey:
Monica:
Gotcha.
(Joey
Monica gets the glasses and pours
the lemonade.)
starts
This
to
plac
take
e is
off
really
all of
my
his
Grandmother's.
clothes, while
I
other
got it from
her when she moved
if the landlord ever
asks, I'm 87 year old woman,
wise I could
never afford a place like this. So
to Florida,
who's afr
Joey:
aid of her VCR. So are
you thirsty?
Monica:
Oh, you bet I am!
Commercial Br
(turning around) Okay,
here's your
[Scene: continued from
earlier
eak
penis!
Monica:
Joey:
Oh my God!!! What
ar
.]
e you doing?!!
lemonade?
You
said, you wanna come in for some
Monica: So?!
Joey:
some lemonade?
Whoa, ah!!
We're you just gonna give me
Monica:
Joey:
Monica:
Oh right,
right.
Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
you
in for lemonade, and to you that means they
I
don't believe this! When someone asks
wanna
have sex?
Joey:
iced
thought you liked
me. I'm such a jer
tea,
Well
usually...yeah! W
sometimes juice.
ell, not
just lemonade,
Well, sorry, I just, I
Monica:
anyone, not anyone
It's okay.
I suppose it
k.
still see it.
I know,
but...
could
By the
happen to
way
I can
[Scene:
vacuuming.]
Monica and
Phoebe's, Monica is
Monica:
Phoebe:
Huh?
Pheebs?
Monica:
Phoebe:
Where's your bed?
a
It's not in the
apartment? (
Monica gives
happening
again.
'Come on' look) Oh no. I can't believe
this is
Monica: What?
Phoebe:
I-
Okay,
enough with the third degree!
Monica:
I've, I don't live here anymore.
Phoebe:
What are you talking about?
I-
ever
I didn't
I'm sorr
know
y, I-
how
I-I-I don't live here
anymore.
to tell you, but y'know
Monica:
ybody else knows!
Phoebe:
Everybody knows!
forget why.
That was
supposed to be a good thing, I
okay, do you
Just
know,
listen, Monic
I couldn't
a, I,
sleep
do you
for
know,
like a
to live in a land
w
Monica:
Phoebe:
You can spill. In the
sink.
here people can spill.
you are, and
I love you, and I want us to be friends, and if
Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this is
who
I keep living her
Monica:
e I don't
see that happening.
Phoebe:
I love you,
too.
Monica:
Aww, good. (they hug) W
hat?
Phoebe:
What? I'm just said.
is.
No you're not, you're wondering which
cushion it
[Scene:
Baywatch
Chandler
Chandler
, as Chandler enters from
hi
and Joey's, (now) Joey is watching
Joey:
: So ah, whatcha watching?
s
bedroom.]
Chandler
Baywatch.
Joey:
:
What's it about?
Chandler
Lifeguards.
Who's she?
: Well, it sounds kinda
stupid... (looks at the TV)
Joey:
(
Chandler
Baywatch
Nicole
Eggert. You'll like her
goes into one of
those running sc
.
Joey:
: Wow! Look at
them run.
enes.)
Chandler
They do
that a lot. Hey, you want a beer?
Joey:
[Scene: Monica's, Monica is
No,
no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right here.
: Yeah, I'll go get one.
wearing nothing
but a towel, as Chandler is entering.]
coming
out of the bathroom
Chandler
Monica: Hey.
: Well, hello!
Chandler
Monica:
: Do
you have any beers? We'r
Chandler
(all
depressed) Help yourself.
e out of beers.
Monica:
: You okay?
Chandler: Right.
Phoebe moved out.
Monica:
this why
I don't understand, I mean am I so hard to live,
is
Chandler
I don't have a
boyfriend?
don't,
: Noo!! You don't have a
boyfriend because....I
should have a
boyfriend.
I don't know why you don't have a
boyfriend. You
Monica:
Chandler
Well, I
think so.
you are one of my favourite people
and the most beautiful
: Oh-ho, come here.
(goes and hugs her) Listen,
woman I've
ever
[Scene: the bar
known in r
are
the onl
Ross:
y tw
, Ross is entering,
Phoebe is at the bar
eal life.
o in the
place.]
, they
Phoebe:
(all depressed)
Hi. Where is ever
ybody?
lock
up-
Ross:
w
Oh, it's alr
hat is
wrong?
eady closed, Chris gave me the keys to
over
My marriage, I think my marriage
is um, is kinda
Phoebe:
.
Ross:
Oh
no! Why?
and I'm not one. And appar
'Cause
Carol's a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And,
situation.
ently it's not a mix and match
Phoebe:
bunny.
Oh my God! I don't
believe it! Oh, you poor
Ross:
himself a
drink, many drinks) I'm an idiot. I mean shoulda
(sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts
to poor
seen
some beautiful woman, and,
and she'd be Ross y'know look
it, I mean Carol
and I'd be out and she'd, she'd see
at
her
Phoebe:
, and I'd think, God, my
w
lover?
Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan
ife is cool!
person is her
Ross:
Phoebe:
Well,
now
Ross:
years, she's the onl
Seven
I'm sorr
I do!!
years.
y.
I
mean we've
onl
y woman w
been together
seven
Phoebe:
y woman I've-I've ever....
ho's ever loved me, and the
[Scene:
Monic
Aw, God Ross. Oh. (goes over
each
other
a's, Chandler and Monica
and hugs
hi
are still hugging
m)
Chandler
.]
Monica:
: Umm, this is nice.
Chandler
I know, it is isn't
it?
hundred perc
: No, I mean it, this
feels really good. Is it a
Monica:
Chandler
Yeah! A
ent cotton?
just about to dismantle a nuclear dev
:
Anyway, I should go, one of the lifeguards was
nd I got it on sale, too.
Monica:
ic
Chandler
Well, if you
wanna get a drink later we c
e.
Oh, and
listen, it's, it's gonna be....
: Oh yeah,
that sounds great. (starts to
an.
leave)
Monica:
[Scene: the bar
I know. Thanks.
(Chandler leaves)
Ross:
nurturing, or I'd
paid more attention, or I... had a uterus. I
Maybe
, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.]
this would've happened if I'd been more
can't believe this!
Phoebe:
don't
I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve this,
on the cheek)
Ross. You'r
Ross:
e, you're really, you're so good. (kisses
hi
you
m
Phoebe:
Thanks.
cheek)
And you're kind (kisses him on the lips)
And
you're so sweet. (kisses him on the other
Ross:
(They pause,
Thanks.
(kisses her on the lips)
taking off each
others clothes, and they start to lie down on
and they the start kissing
passionately, and
the pool table.)
Ross:
Phoebe: Huh?
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
(Ross tries to c
to
the other
lear off the pool table by knocking
the balls
he fr
Phoebe:
antically starts
to thr
end of the table, but they all bounce
bac
ow them into the pockets.)
k, and
(Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays dow
Okay, it's okay.
her
n, Ross follows
table.)
and
hits his head on the
light hanging over the pool
9 of 41 Pages
hear
Ross:
.
again) Ouch!
No,
come on don't start. (they start
Phoebe:
What?
kissing
Ross:
(They both
look at each other and start laughing (Lisa
Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls)
almost lost it there) , and sit up. Ross hits
his head on
the lamp again.)
Ross:
constructive solution.
Oh well.
It
probably would've been the most
Phoebe:
Ross:
You have chalk on your
face.
Phoebe:
Huh? (the rest of the gang
enters)
alway
Oh, Ross you're right, I
don't know w
hy I
Monica:
s thought
this was real grass.
Ross:
Joey:
My
w
Hey, are you okay?
Chandler
Cool!!
ife's a lesbian.
Ross:
: Ross-Joey,
Joey-Ross. (they shake hands)
Closing Credits
Hi.
[Scene:
enters.]
the bar,
Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel
Chandler
Rachel:
don't wanna think.
I just want you to take me and kiss
Don't
: I can't believe you c
say anything. I
ame bac
don't wanna
k.
speak, I
me and make love to me right her
(She hits
the jukebox Fonzy style, and
e, right now.
Season
Friend
starts to play, as they
start to kiss.)
It's That
Time of
dream, she's in her car
No. 2: Rachel!
Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her
Rachel:
What?
driving back from the city)
Friend No. 2
Rachel:
Friend No. 1
Oh, sorr
:
You missed the exit!
Rachel:
: My God, w
y.
hat were you
thinking about?
Her F
Um, (shyly) Barry.
End
riends: Awwww!!
307
The One With the Race Car Bed
[Scene:
Centr
telling a
rest
by
of the
stor
gang
y about what
al Perk, the
whole gang is there, Ross is
are thinking
happened
to themselves,
at work and
denoted
the
Ross:
italics.]
their
dinosaur
par
So I told Carl,
'Nobody, no matter how famous
out.....
.'
ents are,
But of
nobody
course
this
is allowed
went in
to
one
climb
ear
on
and
the
Rachel:
squint I c
I love
how
Monica:
an pretend he's Alan Alda.
he cares so much about stuff. If I
those gonna
become extinct?
Oh good, another dinosaur
story. When are
Chandler
inv
:If I was a
superhero who could fly and be
Gunther
isible, that w
Rachel. I wish
she was my wife.
:What
ould be the best.
does Rachel see in this guy? I love
(Joey
is singing in his head.)
Phoebe:
Opening Cr
Who's singing?
[Scene:
Monic
edits
including Janic
a and
Rachel's, the w
Ross:
e, they're watching
Happy Days
hole gang is ther
.]
e
Happy Day
Hey. When you guys were kids and
you played
Monica:
s
, who were you? I
was always Richie.
Joey:
I was always
Joanne.
of your neighbourhood?
Question.
Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry
(A
ex-husband, c
commercial for the Mattress
King, Janice's
Phoebe:
Joey:
Ewww
omes on TV.)
! Oh! It's the Mattress
King!
Chandler
Booo!!
channel!
Change the channel!
: (to Janice) Don't look
honey. Change the
Janice:
him, half of that
kingdom is gonna be mine.
Wait! Wait! I wanna
see this. After I divorce
Matress
show
I'm
room. My kingdom
King: (on
TV)
is
'Despair
suddenly without
fills the mattress
Chec
so depressed
I'm going to slash... my
a
prices!!
queen.
set! I'm going medieval on prices!
k it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top
queen
Chandler
Janice:
: What a wank!
sell mattr
Oh, I cannot believe he's using
our divorce to
Monica:
queen set, who c
I know
esses.
! And four ninety-nine for a
pillow top
will
appalled for you by the
way.
sell themselves.
ares about the
divorce, those babies
(they all stare at her)
And I'm
Matress King:
king.
(on TV)
I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the
[Scene: Central
Per
else is ther
Rachel:
e except
Joey.]
k, Rachel is on the phone, everyone
tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.'
(hangs up)
'Okay. (listens)
Okay,
daddy we'll see you
Ross:
Rachel:
We?
night, I hope that's okay.
Are ah,
having dinner w
ith my Dad tomorrow
Ross:
supposed to um, fall off the Empire
State building and
Oh shoot, tomorrow's not
so good, I'm
land on a bic
Rachel:
ycle
with no seat. Sorry.
Ross:
Ross, my father
doesn't hate you.
Rachel:
Please, he
refers to me as 'wethead'.
Okay, look, I know,
But honey he c
all
alls ever
right,
just
ybody by a nic
one dinner,
kname!
please,
Season 3
just one night
for me, please. I just want him to
love you
like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well
not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do
come to
dinner, I'll love you like I do in
that black thing that
you like.
Chandler:
(leaning in) I'll go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther:
Yeah, we'll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you
guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All:
Yay!!
Chandler: See, that's why I could never
be an
actor. Because I can't say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant.
(realises) Oh
my God!
Monica: What's the
part?
Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm
teaching acting
for soap operas down at the
Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That's
great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's
like my chance to give
something back to the
acting community.
Ross: Y'know your probably
not allowed to sleep
with any of your
students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are
shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh!
I don't know Monica. It feels funny
just being
here. I mean if you buy a bed from
Janice's
ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees
a little kid playing with a race car
bed) (to
kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would
be
on the other side of the store. (the kid just
stares at her, and she makes the 'that went
right
over your head' motion) Woo!
Monica:
(lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh!
Oh!
Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed.
You
gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica
it, it feels so weird, y'know,
Chandler's your
friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh!
Oh my God!
Aw, all right take this bed, you can
make
other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is
writing his name on the
board, but turns
around before he's done which
causes him to
write his name with a downward
curve, and he
then underlines it, and draws the
line right
through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr.
Tribbiani. And I will
be teaching acting for
soap operas. Now um, on
my first day as
(proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on
Days of Our
Lives
, (looks for a reaction from his
students, and gets none.) I learned that one
of the
most important things in soap opera
acting is
reacting, this does not mean acting
again, it
means, you don't have a line, but
someone else
just did. And it goes like this.
(looks all intense for
a moment and then
gasps, the students cheer him)
Thanks, thanks,
a lot. Oh, by the way, before I
forget to work
in soap operas some of you will
have to become
much more attractive. All right,
moving right
along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is
entering,
Phoebe is already there waiting for
the delievery
guy.]
Joey: Hi!
Phoebe:
Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey:
Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff
like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I
dismiss
you.'
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition
for
All
My Children
.
Phoebe: Oh,
yay!
Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this
boxer named
Nick. And I'm so, so right for it,
y'know, he's just
like me. Except he's a
boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock
on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers
the door and
there is this huge black
delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye!
Here ye! Delivery
from the Mattress King. (to
Phoebe) You Miss
Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right
Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there.
(points to Monica's room)
Joey: Hey,
Monica bought a bed from the Mattress
King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't
say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want
me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a
problem?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey
Nick the boxer let's see
what you got. All
right ya, put 'em up. Come on.
(they start
shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty
good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to
learn, I was staying
at the Y and some off the
young men weren't
acting Christian enough.
Joey: Ahh!
(Joey throws a punch and just
lightly taps her on
the shoulder, Phoebe
counters with a jab to the
nose.)
Joey:
Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands
it on Joey's nose,
causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right,
all right,
well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice
on it.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: 'Kay, put your
head back.
Joey: All right. I can't see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy:
Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by
the window,
okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his
helper walk in carrying the
racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr.
Green are
having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi
Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it?
What, there no table
available in the kitchen!
Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you
again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both
try to sit next to Rachel but Dr.
Green is
successful.) (to Ross) How's the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What
happened to the library?
Ross: There never was
a library. I mean there are libraries,
its
just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr.
Green: You know what's really good here, the
lobster.
What do you say shall I just order
three.
Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry.
(Dr. Green stares at
him) It was a joke, I
made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross
is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind
of person is allergic to lobster? I
guess the
kind of person that works at a library.
Ross:
It's not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting
him) I know!! It's a museum!
What, you're the
only one around here who can make a
joke! At
least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two
lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths
I don't
know to the waiter.)
[Scene:
After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the
old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know
what rust does to a
boat?
Ross: It gives
it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares
at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross:
Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to
that.
(Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green:
Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I
want to say good night to the Levines, before
we go.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay! (picks up
a knife and pretends to stab his
heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think
your Dad
must've added wrong. He only tipped
like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy.
Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother
you? You're a
waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it
bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a
regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving
him sneezers.
Ross: So?
Rachel: So. Ross,
I've bugged him about this a million
times,
he's not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve
people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don't.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks
again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath
the bill when
Dr. Green isn't looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think
I forgot my
receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you
don't need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross:
The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your
fingers and causes, the, the ah, night
blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and
notices the twenty) What
is this? Who put a
twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that
would be me, um, I have, I have a
problem I-I
tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a
sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it
is. (to Ross) We really, really have to
do
something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr.
Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?
Rachel:
Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he
really didn't.
Ross: Nothing I do means
anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I
pay two hundred dollars for
dinner, you put
down twenty, and you come out looking like
Mr.
Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot?
Here, I'll
tell you what, you pay the whole
bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right.
(rips up the
bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than
'wethead'.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is
lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay,
some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been
able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene
where I have to
cry, I cut a hole in my
pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and
just
start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey
that
I've just done something evil. That would
be the basic 'I
have a fishhook in my eyebrow
and I like it' (Does it by
raising one
eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.)
Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news,
well all I do there
is try and divide 232 by
13. (looks all confused) And that's
how it's
done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody,
class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got
an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students
got an audition. I'm
so proud.
Student: I
was wondering if you would consider
coaching
me for it?
Joey: You bet! What's the part?
Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on
All
My Children
,
Nick the boxer.
(Joey
does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and
Rachel are returning from
dinner.]
Rachel:
You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just
leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay.
I tip more than that when
there's a bug in my
food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two
of you
getting along. (Ross groans and rubs
his neck) Oh,
would you just see my
chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna
go to a doctor who went to
school in a mini-
mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel's, and
see Phoebe
hopping around.)
Ross: Hey
Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I'm, I'm
freaking out! Monica kinda trusted
me with
something and she shouldn't have! All right, I
haven't lived here in a while, so I have to
ask you
something. Does Monica still turn on
the lights in her
bedroom?
Rachel: Um.
yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's
room)
Rachel: All right, look, here's the
bottom line Ross,
this is fixable, if we act
fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to
brunch
tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross: Look,
honey, I have tried to make nice, it
doesn't
work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that
my Father is
difficult, but that's why you
have got to be the bigger
man here.
Ross:
Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could
be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge,
giant man,
and it still wouldn't make any
difference, except that I
could pick your
Father up and say 'Like me! Like me
tiny
doctor!'
Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try
it one more time
Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve
anything.
You gotta face it, okay we're never
gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are
just gonna have too, okay.
Because I already
got a Mother and a Father who
cannot stay in
the same room together, okay, I don't
wanna
have to have a separate room for you too!!
(starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay.
(hugs her) I'll get the bagels.
[Scene:
Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the
bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed)
What's this?
Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom!
Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest
or
something!
(Phoebe starts to make a
sound like a car accelerating)
Monica:
Phoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car
screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this
car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay,
I-I wasn't looking, and the
store says that
they won't take it back because you
signed for
it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all
Joey's
fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to
Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he
won't
notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, I'm going for
sushi does anybody
want.. (enters and sees the
bed) Whoa-whoa,
somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What?
Chandler:
Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar.
Phoebe: So.
This has always been Monica's bed, what
you're
just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new,
how come
there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts
to
break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand
to
comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey
is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I
just saw my best friends brains
smeared across
the canvas, that's not gonna be me,
not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was... (points
to his
pocket) Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student:
Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil
look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk,
Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe
are there,
yelling at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to
play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might've
said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed
him over.
Monica: Joey, you're this guy's
teacher. I mean how
could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and
I really,
really want this part.
Phoebe:
Well, if you really, really want it, then it's
okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel
is greeting her
10 of 41 Pages
Father for their
brunch.]
Rachel:
Dr. Green:
(opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Ross:
Baby.
Ross.
and Dr
Dr
Dr. Green:
. Gr
.
Green. How are you?
een puts his
scar
(offers his hand,
Ross:
lesson.
Thank
Thanks for dinner last ni
f on
it.)
you for teaching me
ght.
a
valuable
Dr. Green:
Ross:
anymor
(to
Rachel) Okay,
Nice hair. What'd ya
do?
that's it, I
Sw
can't
im here?
take it
Rachel:
e.
He-he
you
got here.
likes your
What?
hair
What?
, he
He's
just wants
interested
to know
in you.
how
Ross:
just gonna go. (starts to leave
rubbing his nec
Oh, please. Sweetie it's
hopeless, okay, I'm
Rachel:
Ross:
What?!
k)
Dr. Green:
Look, look I'm
sorry. It's just that....
Rachel:
to go to
my chiropractor
He's got this thing. And I
keep telling hi
Ross? What's with the neck?
m
Dr.
that
Green: You're still
...
going to that chiropractor
Extapa!
man couldn't get into medical school in
,
Ross:
Rachel:
Thank you! That's what I
keep say
excellent doctor
Excuse me, Dr.
Bobby happens
ing.
to be an
Ross:
.
Dr. Green:
Uh.
Rachel:
Ross:
W
Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Dr. Green:
And his f
ell that's his
last name.
Rachel:
He's Bobby
Bobby
irst name.
?
Dr
It's Robert
Bobby.
Rachel:
. Green: Oh.
Ross:
And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Dr. Green:
Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Rachel:
shorter
than the other
With
What do you need help
for?
my alignment.
Dr
.
I've got
one leg
Ross:
. Green: Oh God!
Rachel:
Argue with that.
shorter
What? It's true, my right leg is two inches
Dr. Green:
.
Her legs ar
Ross:
e
f
Come on! You're just titling! (to Ross)
Dr.
chiropractor
Green:
I know
that!
ine!
So, why
do you let her
go to
Rachel:
Ross:
about renter's
insuranc
What
I'm sorr
for?
a
can
y, let her?
I do,
Dr.
Green:
e either
she doesn't
.
listen
to me
insuranc
Wait a minute, you don't
have renter's
Rachel: No.
e?!
Dr.
something?
Green:
one leg shorter than
the other?!
How ar
Well
e you gonna
run after
what if somebody
him with
steals
(Both he and Ross start
laughing)
Ross:
juice?
Dr.
Green:
Hey, would you ah, would you like
some
Ross:
Did you see us? Did you see?
Okay. (to Rachel)
I'd love some juic
Wow! This is going so well.
e. Thanks.
Rachel:
Why
haven't got c
didn't
Yeah
you
honey,
just tell
I'm
him
standing
about
right
the
mole
there!
I
Ross:
[Scene:
Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Excellent!
hecked yet.
Joey:
your
(sadly
over
careers when you'll
)
There will come a time in each of
opportunity
another
have a chance to screw
ashamed
in
soap
the
oper
rec
a
ent,
actor
pr
.
esent.
I had
such an
actor to play
to say that I took
it,
And I'm
auditioned
they
for
a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both
I advised a fellow
the
him.
ah,
opposite Susan
And
they
now,
liked
part, and
the stupid
uh,
gay thing
as it turned
and
out,
cast
television, and
Luchhi,
he's
got
the
a
first
two
lady
year
of
contract
bunch
even be
on TV. I'm sorr
of people, most
me, me I'm
of whom
stuck her
are
e
daytime
too ugly
teaching a
gets a huge round
of applause from his students.)
y, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. (he
to
Thank you.
[Scene: Mattr
her bed.]
ess King, Monica
is trying to return
Jester
Monica:
:
U
h, may I help you?
the lady that got
stuc
Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm
Jester
can do. You signed for
: Look,
it's like I told you, ther
k with the
racecar
e's nothing I
bed.
Joey:
it, Monica Velula Geller.
king.
All
right, Jester man, look we wanna see the
Jester
Joey:
go to a bac
Oh-ho-
:
Nobody sees the king!
Jester
(Joey
through
goes
:
Hey
k room)
kay, I'm talking to the king.
(starts to
! You can't go bac
to the
door,
k there!
King, her ex-husband,
kissing.)
the window at Janic
but
e and
stops
the
and
Mattr
looks
ess
Janice:
(Joey fakes a
scream.)
Oh my God.
Closing Credits
[Scene:
with the bed.]
Monica's
bedroom, Chandler is playing
Chandler
Varrrrrrrrrrom!
: Varrrrrroom!
pretends
(makes a
Hey! Watch it lady!
lookin'! (honks the bed's little horn on the
steering
to stomp on the
screeching
brakes.) Hey-hey
sound as
good
he
wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and
stops)
All right, I'll leave. My bed's so
boring.
End
Season 3
are, you're so br
308
Rachel:
just
put him dow
Okay. Okay
ave.
honey,
he's fine, he's fine,
The One With The
Giant Poking Device
[Scene: Monic
couch)
See
are there, Rachel is ser
a and Racyou
do that to him!! Ross trusted me, w
that's a
n. Come her
good boy.
e, Ben. (sets him
on the
let's
(to Monica) How could
Rachel:
v
hel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and
Ross
to say?!
hat is he going
special
homemade br
Here you go Pheebs.
ing
brownies.]
Monica:
Chandler
ownies?
Who else wants one of my
not gonna tell
hi
He's not gonna say
(Phoebe takes a bite
and spits it out and screams.)
: I will have
one. (Ross and hi
m both take one.)
Rachel:
m.
anything, because we're
Chandler
Monica:
We're not?!
Ross:
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Neither will
I. (they both put bac
: Okay, I'm not gonna
have one.
k the brownies.) Monica: Okay.
All right, I like that.
No we're not.
Chandler
No, no, it's just my tooth.
Rachel:
another brownie,)
: All right I'll
have one. to exam Ben) ar
So we're okay,
we'r
Ross:
okay, ther
en't we? No,
we'r
e okay, we're okay, (starts
e not
okay, we're not
good one.
So what's a
matter
(he and Ross take
, you need a
dentist? I've got a Monica:
e's a bump, there's
a bump.
Phoebe:
Rachel:
Oh my God! Well
push it in! Push it in!
see him.
No
thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't
Monica:
I cannot push it in!
Chandler
Rachel:
Ross:
: See that is
the problem with invisible dentists. Monica:
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, we're gonna need a
distraction.
Phoebe:
Why? Why cRachel:
Okay.
I got it!
somebody dies.
Because,
an't you go to him?
every time I
go to the dentist, Monica:
Chandler
want
The second that Ross walks
dentist, I
look down the hygienist's blouse.
: That is so
weird, because every time I go to the whatever
you take him back to your bedr
in that
door, I
Rachel:
pitched) r
Phoebe:
Phoebe, what?Rachel:
weee!!
it is that you
do that makes him go,
oom and
(high
do
then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then
my, my
Yeah, yeah, f
Umm...w
irst
there was my aunt Mar
hat?!
y, and
Monica:
Or. We could put a hat on his head.
cow
Rachel:
A hat! Yes! We need a hat.
Rachel:
boy friend 'Albino Bob'.
Monica:
We need a hat..
Phoebe:
And
all these people actually died? Rachel:
Where
are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
such good
care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about
or
Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I
take get him)
Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day
Bear'!! (runs to
hy
al
Monica:
Ross:
giene, I floss to save lives!
comes out of her room w
Because he'll
know what to do? (Rachel
people just happened
to die w
Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill
anybody, these rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a
genius!
ith a bear that's dressed in a
It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidenc
hen
you went to the dentist. Rachel:
Phoebe:
Monica:
Oh God, oh God, it's
sowed on though.
Opening Cr
W
e.
Rachel: Okay.
Give it. Give it.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe
ar
edits
ell tell that to them. Oh! You
can't, their dead.
(Monic
Ross:
head.)
a takes the bear
him and Rachel comes up
and kisses hi
Thanks, Gunther. (takes the
plate Gunther
e there.]
Monica and
Rachel:
, grabs his hat, and rips off his
(to Gunther) U
m) (to Rachel) Hey
serves
! Rachel:
Oh!!
Gunther
[Scene:
Phoebe:
: Oh, like you don't already have
ever
mm, can I get a napkin too?
ya
jeweler
The str
Oh, it's just like a
bloodbath in here today.
apple in disgust.)
(trying to bite into an apple) Ow!
Ow
thing.
Chandler
y store.]
eet,
Chandler and Joey are walking past
Rachel:
Do you think these pearls are nice?
: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second.
dentist, just go.
Phoebe, your
!
(drops the
in pain, would you just go to the
Joey:
Phoebe:
Chandler
I'd really prefer
a mountain bike.
don't come bac
All right,
fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, get her
something speacial. Come in her
: Janice's
birthday is coming up, I want to
TV set.
k
as a poltergeist and like suck me into the
Joey:
Rachel:
want
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, whoa.
e with me.
Do you
Phoebe:
I promise. get her candy, get
her
to get her something speacial, get her
flowers,
ah,
Joey:
Chandler
Ross:
(entering w
Although, don't feel like you c
ith Monica)
Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?
an't visit.
Hubba-
No, no he's not.
(patting his
clothes like he is looking for his wallet)
something serious.
Bubba
: That's
gum, girls love gum.
birthday'.
a good
I
idea,
would
'Dear
like
Janice
to get
have
her
a
Monica:
Joey:
ex-husband.
You guys,
Joey just saw Janice kissing her you
Ross:
barium enemas. Those ar
shoul
Oh, you want
d do, you should
something
get her
serious. Y'know what
one of
those um,
mean how, how are you going to tell
Chandler?
What? (to Joey) So what are you
going to do? I Chandler
Joey:
you don't buy
me anything ever
: All right. Look,
e dead
serious.
I'm gonna go in here, and
way
would be, to not.
Well, I was thinking about
that and I, I think the best store)
Rachel:
Joey:
. (starts to go into
the
about this, you have to tell hi
Joey,
you can't keep this to yourself, if you know you
c
(stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't,
okay,
Joey:
can't, you can't.
an't, you
can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you
Phoebe:
It'll kill him. I mean it'll,
it'll just kill hi
m.
Chandler
I'll
Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist,
maybe
m.
Joey:
[Scene:
kill him.
thing, okay, the thing is...
Oh God. U
:
Why not?!
h, okay, here's the thing, this is
the
Chandler
Monica and Rachel's, All
arChandler
Joey:
Joey:
using his new
hammoc
(looking out the w
.]
e there
except for
indow) Ewww! Ushow
Phoebe:
k.
It's like a
Play-Doo
gly Naked Guy is
Fat Factory. ex-husband.
room
Okay.
: What is the thing?
and,
I went
and
down
I saw
to
Janice,
the 'Mattress
kissing
King'
her
be on the look out for anything that, that,
that you c
Well, I'm going to the dentist, so
listen, okay, just Chandler
into, or
an fall
Joey:
: (shocked) What?
Okay, And um, I
also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all
,
or that can fall on you, or... All right, just
look out! Chandler
They were in his
off
that um...... (starts to cr
she's with
me.
: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's
w
ice.
ith,
Ross:
y and runs out)
Joey:
few hours, some kids messed up the Homo
Sapien display.
Okay, I have a problem I have
to go into work for a Chandler
I'm telling you
man, I saw
Joey:
w
: Yeah, well, you're
w
it.
Ross:
What did they do?
Joey:
rong.
rong! Okay, you're
thing,
then they rearranged the f
Well, they painted
over the word 'Sapien' for one barium enema
doesn't sound so bad now, huh?
I'm not wrong!
I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that
that.
igures, let's just leave it at [Scene: Monica
Monica:
dressing up Ben in the entire
r
and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are
Ross:
So, do you want me to watch Ben for
you?Bear
ain suit from Rainy Day
Rachel:
Yes, that's w
Monica:
.]
Ross:
Rachel:
It just
makes more sense as an ensemble.
Monica mouths
'Don't w
You?
Whoa! Wait! Hello! What
about me?
hat I was going to ask, thank you.
You! Want to watch Ben? Monica:
Right.
Ross.)
orr
(in the background
Phoebe:
Besides, it takes the focus off
the hat.
because I know how empty her
Yes!
That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask
Monic
y, I'll be here the whole time.' to
alive! You'r
(running through the door)
No! Oh! You're
mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her
thumb.)
life is. (Monica sarcastically
a,
Rachel:
e alive!
Joey:
didn't
I?
Ross:
Hey-hey, Ross?
Phoebe:
See Pheebs, I promised you no
one would die,
Joey:
Yeah. your phone? I
just wanna c
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Can I use
Ross:
I've got a science
question. Monica:
all everyone I know.
Joey:
Hmm? Phoebe:
Sure, we have no
money, go ahead.
that why there extinct?
If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien',
is ya!'
(on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead!
Okay, see
Ross:
Ben:
Joey:
Joey,
Homo Sapiens are people. Monica:
Monica.
[Scene:
Hey-hey, I'm not judging. hear
that?
Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you
babysitting Ben.]
Monica and Rachel's,
Monica and Rachel are
Ben:
Rachel:
Rachel:
Monic
a
bang!
and forth) Spoon. Come on! A
(holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it bac
Monica:
Okay, I heard that.
he's
bored.
ll right, y'know what I think
k
Rachel:
Did he just say 'Monica bang'?
Monica:
Monica:
Uh-huh.
do you
wanna show Rachel? Come her
Here. Ben, do you
wanna play the airplane game, Ben:
Oh my God!
He's gonna rat me out!
gonna do something fun.
Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a
e. (takes
Ben) We're Monica:
Monic
little
say
Oh-ho-ho,
a bang!
sweetie, sweetie, you
gotta
room
bit mentioning, you see we all
do it all the time. See watch
ing that, now.
It's no big deal, it's not even worth
stop
the kitchen
and
and
does
catches
it again)
him)
Weee!!
Weee!!
(starts
(moves into the living
this, Ben, Ben, Ben.
that wooden beam
across the ceiling.)
as she does it again, and
to walk back into
head on
(goes
over
[cut to later]
hits Ben's head
on
Ever
Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave,
you're so brave, yes you
bang. (repeats) Bang,
Rac
ybody bang. (r
the post) Ow, Monica
bang!
and starts hitting her
epeats) Ben
bang. (repeats) Rachel
(does it again)
Rachel: (goes over and
hel bang! Oh, isn't
that fun?
hits her head on the post)
11 of
41 Pages
Season 3
Look at that!
(repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We
all do
it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now.
Monica:
You okay?
Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not
a headboard,
it's just not worth it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
waiting
for Janice to arrive, and is angrily
fllipping through
a magazine.]
Janice:
(entering) How's my Bing-a-ling?
Chandler: Ah,
I don't know, you tell me. Anything
you ah,
wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you
should,
if you, you would, tell me.
Janice: Why are
your eyes so white?
Chandler: You tell me!
Maybe, it's because I was
just fooling with my
ex! Oh no-no-no-no,
no-no-no-no, that was
you!!
Janice: Oh my God!!
Chandler: All
right!
Janice: How did you know?
Chandler:
Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Janice:
In the park?
Chandler: No! In his office! How
many kisses
were there?
Janice: Just those
two!
Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was
there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
the reciept!
Joey: What are you ah, what
are you gonna do?
Chandler: I don't know,
y'know. What, what, would you
do?
Joey:
Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.
Chandler: Come on, tell me.
Joey: All
right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this
but ah, if it was me, and this is just me,
(Chandler gets
ready to throw another dart) I
would ah, I would bow out.
Chandler: What?
(turns around quickly still ready to throw
the
dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the
chair)
What are you, what are you talking
about?
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know.
They're like,
they're like a family, and if, I
don't know, there's chance
they could make
that work, I know I wouldn't want to be
the
guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do
you
wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just
finished putting
Ben to sleep, and is entering
from Rachel's room.]
Ross: Well, he's finally
alseep. About that ah, bump on his
head?
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's
ah, a new bump?
I mean, no offense, I've
always thought of Ben as a fairly
bumpy headed
child.
Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head,
kids bump their
heads all the time, y'know, it
was your first time babysitting,
approaching
the window (as he says this the camera
cuts to
their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we
actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread
the
needle.
(They thread the needle and
start poking him, he then
stirs.)
Phoebe:
He's alive! He's a-live!!!
Monica: And yet,
we're still poking him.
Joey: Okay, retract
the device, retract the device.
Ross: He does
not look happy.
Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's
showing us his poking
device.
Joey: Hey,
that's never gonna make it all the way over
here, buddy!
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a
Lionel Richie album]
Chandler: (singing)
I'll hold you close in my arms.
(Phoebe
enters) I can't resist your charms. And love....
Phoebe: (joining him)
Love....
Chandler and Phoebe:I'll be a fool for you.
I'm sure,
you know I don't mind.
Chandler:
(high pitched)
No you know I don't mind
.
Chandler and Phoebe:Yes! You mean the world
the
world to me. Oh...
Chandler:
I
know
.
Janice:
haaaaa! I'm so, so
sorr
Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so,
(nasally)
But I, oh w
Can you get me a bag,
or something?
hat happened was, I-
y, I
just (nasally) haaaaaa!
I-I can't breathe.
Chandler
(Janice starts to br
: (giving
her a bag) Here.
reciept, and then spits it
out.)
eathe into it and breathes in the
Janice:
Chandler
The receipt.
Are you f
no) A
ini
: I'll take it!
A
shed with me? (Janice shakes her
ll right
look, I gotta know.
head
head no) Do you
still love him?
re you finished with him?
(Janice shakes her
head yes) Do you still love
me? (Janic
(Janice shakes her
head yes) All
right look, (grabs the bag) I'm gonna
e shakes
her
need
him or
an actual
answer here okay, so which
Janice:
me?
(his phone starts to ring)
is it,
Phoebe:
I don't know.
answer your
phone!
(rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you
Commercial Br
[Scene:
eak
Phoebe,
and Joey are ther
Monica and Rachel's, Monica,
Rachel,
Monica:
e.]
you had ic
Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that
our
little bonking incident.
e cream for dinner,
if you don't tell about
Rachel:
understands
Monic
tw
the
a,
conc
number
ept of
one, I don't think Ben
(to
Joey) What?!
o, I... (Joey starts laughing
briber
in the
y, and
backgr
number
ound)
Joey:
Rachel:
You said number two.
Joey:
I also said number one.
Ross:
I know. (giggles harder)
Rachel:
Hi!
(entering) Hey! Everyone.
Ross:
Rachel:
How's my little
boy
Ross:
you do, take hi
(noticing
He's perfect, he's never been better
?
the
outfit he is wearing) What'd
.
Ben:
m
whaling?
Ross:
Monica.
great! Good job
Ben.
Oh my God, he just said your name,
that's
Ben:
Monica:
Monic
if I
exploded.
Oh that's right, that's what I'd
sound like
a bang!
Phoebe:
ever
Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called
Joey:
Uh.
ybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Phoebe: What?
Joey:
runs to the
window
Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.
(
Phoebe
[Cut
the window at
U
to later, all except Chandler are
and
gasps.)
staring out
Phoebe:
one! And
this curse is getting stronger too, to bring
Oh my God! I killed hi
gly Naked Guy.]
m! I
killed another
dow
Rachel:
n
something that big.
Joey:
morning.
I'm
Well maybe he's just taking a nap.
tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this
Monica:
Ross:
stare at all the time
isn't moving.
And
All right, we
shoul
tell them what?
d call somebody.
The naked guy we
Rachel:
Monica:
W
way.
How
ell, we have gotta f
are
we gonna do that?
ind out if he's alive.
There's no
Joey:
say, we poke hi
Well,
there is one way. His window's open, I
[Scene:
Chandler
m.
darts, as Joey enters.]
and
Joey's, Chandler is throwing
Joey:
chopstic
Hey
Chinese food?
ks
!
for
Y'know
no reason
how
we
we
ah,
get
save
when
all
we
those
get
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey:
Chandler:
What?
Well, now we got a reason.
Joey:
dev
Well, we'r
e
fashioning a very long poking
Chandler
ice.
Joey:
: All right.
Chandler
Hey uh,
what's a matter?
Joey:
:
Chandler
Oh
my God, is she going bac
I talked to Janice.
both. Y'know
: She doesn't know. Says
k
to him?
she loves us
love, well I was
happy. Y'know it
I woke up this morning and I
was in
for buy
serves me right
can't
even
ing that twelve pack of c
return them,
because
ondoms. And now I
she choked on
I f
Rachel:
igured you did the best you
could.
Ross:
time.
I know
(conf
! I'm say
idently) I did!
ing you
have to watch them all the
Rachel:
bang his
head against that thing!
I did!! I watched! I
watched! I watched Monica
Ross:
(Monic
Monica did it?
Ross:
Monica: Yeah.
Monic
a runs into the kitc
a?
hen from
the terrace.)
Ross:
today?
Umm, did
you notice anything wierd about Ben
Monica:
Ross:
were doing the
alphabet song, w
Well, I was just
No.
Why?
playing with him, and y'know we
good
at,
they just ah, I don't know, fell out of
his head.
but suddenly he's leaving out
hich he used to be r
'e' and 'f.' It's
eally
like
Monica:
Ross:
Really
leg
there just sort of y'know...
(
is moving
Oh, and also, he's, he's
walkin' kind of funny, his left
?!
a lot
faster than
Monica:
walks around in a
circle)
his right leg, and he's
in
bedroom)
Oh my God, I wrecked your
baby
Rachel:
Monica:
I hope it's
still funny when you'r
!! (runs into the
e in hell.
how
(coming out of the
bedroom) You jerk! You know
liv
much I
love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the
Ross:
ing r
posts) Ow
Monic
oom)
a bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the
Rachel:
!
[Scene: Central Per
I'll
get the hat.
Chandler
k, Chandler and
Janice are there.]
I want you to let me get
through it, bec
: Janice, I have something I
need to tell you, and
gonna be easy.
ause
it's, it's, it's not
Janice:
Chandler
Okay.
wanna be the guy that breaks up a
family, y'know when my
: I think you should go
back with Gary. I don't
parents
would see
him I was alway
split up, it was because of
that guy. Whenever I
you ar
s think y'know
'You're the reason,
guy. And it didn't
matter
e the reason why their
made my Dad.
how nic
not together
e he was, or how
happy he
.' and I hated that
Janice:
Chandler
Wow!
Janice:
'good-bye',
Oh!
: Yeah,
well. It's the right thing to do.
You're
right. Oh God. But, before I can say
Chandler
understand
. The
there's
Y'know, I mean what we
what
way
something I
really need you to
know,
Lionel
I feel about you, it's like,
I finally
my
spending the rest of our
lives together
soulmate, and I can't
have,
Richie's
believe
it's
we're
like movie
been singing
not going
love, you'r
about.
to be
e
Chandler
.
Janice:
: Then don't
leave me!
Chandler
What?
Janice:
got to give my marriage another
chance.
No,
: Forget what I said, I was
babbling! Pick me!
you were right, you were
right. I mean, I-I-I've
Chandler
your
divorce another chance.
: No you don't! No,
no, no, I say you have to give
Janice:
Chandler
(standing up) I'm
sorr
Janice:
Chandler doesn't let her
go.)
No, I-
: Ohhh. Don't go.
y. (hugs
him)
I-I gotta go.
Chandler
(she
starts to walk away, but
Janice:
Chandler
Honey, honey, people
ar
: No. No! No! No!
watchi
: I
don't care! (turns around
e looking.
and
to the people
Janice:
ng them) I don't
car
leg out of Chandler's grasp, she f
Yeah, um, I'm, I'm
e!!
leaving now. (tries
to
takes off her shoe.)
Chandler
inally does, but Chandler
get her
Janice:
: You can't leave! I have your
shoe!
shoe)
Gunther
Good-bye
Chandler Bing. (walks out with one
[Scene:
and Ross ar
Monic
: Rachel
has those in burgendy.
a and Rachel's, Joey,
Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
Joey:
is going to
be diff
All right now r
e holding the giant
poking device.]
emember
of
experienc
Ross:
e in that area.
icult to
manuver
, something this big and long
,
fortunately I have a lot
in the balance!
Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs
Phoebe:
have here is a dead fat guy on a
stic
I'm telling you he's dead. What we are
about to
Joey:
to advance the giant poking
dev
All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's
poke. (they
k.
a little higher. Careful of
the angle.
ice) Steady. Steady. Okay,
start
Okay, okay, we're
12 of 41 Pages
Phoebe:
Chandler
I
know
Phoebe:
:
I've found
.
.
Chandler
I've found....
goes
(they
high pitched, Chandler
and
Phoebe:
...in you, my endless
goes low
pitched)
(Phoebe
love
.
again
both look at eac
each other)
they don't
match
h other
tones, and
.)
My
endless love
. (once
End
they
just look at
309
The One
With The Football
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the whole gang is there,
the
Thanksgiv
guys are watching
The
Awww
Guys:
ing dinner
(reacting
.]
football, the girls are cooking
to
a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Phoebe:
!
instead of watching football, you c
Hey,
it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know,
The
Guys:
Monica:
We will. (they don't
move)
ould help.
marshmellow
Okay,
Rachel:
s in concentric
Rachel,
you wanna put the
circles.
No Mon, you
want to put them in conc
circles.
entric
(Rachel
I want to do this.
Monica takes it out of her nose by
sticks a
marshmellow into Monica's
and
blow
Monica:
ing.)
closing one nostril,
nose.
Opening Cr
Every year
.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, c
edits
Phoebe:
tr
Y'know, for once, I am going
to sit dow
ontinued from earlier.]
dow
y
to watch one of these things. (just as she
n
and
sits
Ross:
n) .
Joey:
Halftime.
little, maybe get a little thr
Hey, who wants to ah, throw
Rachel:
ee on
thr
the ball around a
Phoebe:
Oh! That
would be sooo much fun!
ee going?
like
ever
Oh, can I play too? I've never played
football,
Joey:
Chandler
Gr
.
eat, you can c
play.
: No, no, no,
over Chandler
I don't, I don't
.
really wanna
Joey:
since you and Janice
broke up.
Come on man! You never want to do
anything
Chandler
bathrobe
: That's not
true! I wanted to wear my
start
have
goals!
drinking
and eat
in the
peanut
morning. Don't
clusters all
day. I wanted to
say that I don't
Joey:
right,
Chandler
take
if
you play, you get
, you have to start getting
over her
some fr
. All
ever
your mind
off Janice, and
esh
if you
air, maybe
don't play,
it'll
even. Come on.
yone will be mad at you 'cause the teams won't
be
Chandler
Phoebe: Yay
: Yeah, all
right, I'll play.
Rachel:
!!
Ross:
Let's do it! Ross?
Rachel:
What?
Ross:
football.
Um,
Do you wanna
play football?
Monica and I aren't supposed to
play
Joey:
Monica and Ross: Yeah.
Says
who? Your mom?
Monica:
to have a touch
football game called the 'Geller Bow
Well,
every, every Thanksgiving um, we used
Chandler
l.'
Monica:
: No, no, no,
you say that proudly.
and um, it got kind've
c
Anyway, Ross and I were
Bowl VI, I
accidentally br
ompetitive and one
year
always captains,
,
Geller
Ross:
about to tag her
It was soo
oke Ross's nose.
elbow right into my
face. And just keep running.
, so she threw
her big fat gr
not an accident. She
andma
ar
saw I was
m
Monica:
Ross:
To
score the winning touchdown, by the way.
the
game, the touchdow
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho,
ho, you did not win
spectacularly
breaking.
illegal, oh and
n didn't
count, because of the
by the way savage nose
Monica:
Ross:
Geller Cup?
Oh yeah!
(to Chandler and Joey
Then how come you
) I won the game.
didn't get the
Rachel:
Ross:
game. But our Dad
said, 'nobody won that game, ' and
Yes,
Um, ther
it was
e was a Geller Cup?
the
trophy you got if you won the
he
(pauses
to c
was sick of our f
ollect hi
ighting,
so he took the trophy and....
mself, as he is
on the verge of tears
Season 3
saying this) threw it in the lake.
Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
Ross:
Anyway. That's when our Mom said we
were not
to play football ever again.
Monica: Y'know
what, I think we should play a
game. I mean
come on, it's been twelve years.
Ross: Can I
see you for a second?
Ross: Break!!
[cut
to later, Monica's team has the ball.]
Joey:
Set....hike!
Ross: One-Mississippi, two-
Mississippi, switch! Switch!
Switch!!
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no!
(Monica
throws the ball over Joey's head, it's stopped
from
grown up, but I have.
Ross: Oh-ho,
okay.
Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the
thigh.)
Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine!
All right, you
wanna win by cheating, go
ahead, all right. Phoebe the
touchdown does
count, you win.
Phoebe: Woo-yay!!
(they
moment)
walk over to the sink and discuss
it for a
Monica:
Ross:
Chandler
All right, we're gonna
play.
(shouting) Once!!
gonna get
ther
: But wait a minute though, how ar
let
me cross the str
e, though, because my Mom
w
e we
on't
[Scene: The Par
football
game.]
k, the gang is warming up for
their
eet.
Monica:
Rachel:
throw
Okay.
Let's bring it in.
Wait no, honey, honey throw
it
Ross:
it to me.
to me,
Rachel:
Here you go. (throws her the ball)
That almost hit me in the fac
(knocking it
down instead of catching it)
Joey:
e.
Chandler
All right, we have to pick
captains.
Phoebe:
:
Monica:
Okay, so
how do we decide that?
And then Tineals.
Rachel, Chandler
Well, why don't we just
bunny up.
Monica and
above
Ross:
,
and Joey
(holding both
: What?
of
f
their heads making rabbit ears
their
with
hands
their
Monica:
ingers.) Bunny
Okay, so um, I bunnied f
Okay, looks like
Ross and I ar
!
pick f
irst so that
means I get to
e captains.
Joey:
irst.
Joey.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Ross:
Chandler
Sweetie,
Monica,
I'm your best friend.
don't worry you'll get
picked.
Rachel: Ross!
.
Monica:
(Phoebe kisses Rac
Phoebe.
team.)
hel on the cheek, then joins her
Ross:
Rachel:
Sweetie, now I pic
k you.
me!
You don't pick me! You're
stuck with
Ross:
the
touch, we'll kick
off.
trash
Okay. A
can,
ll
to
right. So
the lightpost. Right. T
let's
see, let's play from
wo hand
Monica:
tw
All right people listen,
I've got exactly
Chandler
enty-eight
minutes befor
Monica:
: Wow! Just like in
the pros.
e I have to baste again.
Joey:
Huddle up.
here.
(to his
team) All right, huddle up, right over
Phoebe:
Oh c
Wait for me! Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Monica: Okay.
ool, this is my
first huddle.
Phoebe:
Chandler?
Okay,
so what do you guys r
Monica:
doing right?
eally think of
Okay, Phoebe you
know what you're
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica:
I are gonna bloc
Okay, Joey's
gonna catch it, and you and
Phoebe:
k.
Monica:
what you're doing?
What's
block?
Phoebe,
Phoebe:
I thought
you said you know
Monica:
I
thought you meant in life.
(Chandler
Break.
holding the ball between his foot and
f
is getting ready to kick off, Ross
Chandler
(goes to kic
: The ball is
Janice. The ball
inger
is
.)
is
Ross:
k the ball but kicks Ross's foot
instead.)
Janice.
Chandler
Oww
just gonna throw it.
: Sorr
!! Son
of a...!! Ow
y. I'm sorry. Y'know
! Come
on!
what, we're
(Chandler
thr
Joey:
ows the ball to kick-off.)
Phoebe:
I got it. (catches the ball)
(Joey
Go! Go! Go!
touchdown.
runs up f
touchdown.)
His
ield and
fakes out
team
Ross and scores a
Monica:
all celebrates the
Rachel:
Score!! 7 to nothing!
up)
A
(coming over to Ross, who is just getting
Ross:
re you okay?
Monica:
Come on,
let's go!
Ross:
Chandler
Yeah, losers
talk!
Losers walk!
[cut to later
: No,
no, no, actually losers rhyme.
Chandler
real
:
, Ross's team has
the ball.]
(coming up under center, just like
a
between
quarterback does, and puts his
Seventy-four!!
Ross's legs.) Twenty-
three!!
hands
You wanna go
shotgun?
(Ross stands up and looks at
him)
Ross:
Chandler
Yeah!
Monica
: (from the shotgun) Hike!
T
and Joey: One-Mississippi.
(Rachel
runs a quic
wo-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
Rachel:
k slant.)
(Chandler thr
Over here!
Rachel:
one!
(proud
ows
her the ball, w
of her self) I almost
hich
she drops.)
caught that
Chandler
Ross:
: Great! Now, the score
is 7 to almost 7.
do a down and out to the
right. Okay. Break!
Okay, (to Chandler) this
play, I want you to
Rachel:
Ross:
Wait,
what am I gonna do?
Rachel:
You, you go
long.
Ross:
Wait, how long?
Rachel:
Okay.
Until we start to look very small.
rolling away by a ver
Joey:
y beautiful
woman.)
Woman:
Haaaaa!
Hey
football?
(in a foreign
-hey,
thanks for stopping our ball.
accent) You are
playing American
Joey:
Woman:
Yeah!
Wow, your like from a w
hole other
country.
Joey:
I'm Dutch.
Woman:
Hi-hi, I'm Joey.
Joey:
I'm Margha.
Chandler
I'm sorr
football or you
wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I'm Chandler
:
(running
y Dutch, I didn't get that last
little bit.
up) Hey Joey, do you wanna play
Margha:
Joey:
Hello, Chandler.
.
Margha:
Her name is Dutch, and also
Marklan.
Joey:
Margha:
Mar-
Margha.
Chandler
Mar-gha.
klan.
[cut to
Ross and Monic
: Mar-haaaan.
Monica:
dow
Come on guy
a.]
s!
Let's go! Come on, it's second
Ross:
n.
Monica:
Uh, hello, it's third down.
Ross:
No it's not, it's second.
Monica:
Wow!
Ross:
this.
It
just amazes
Wow, what?
me that your still
pulling stuff like
Monica:
Ross:
Pulling what?
second downs you need.
Okay,
it's second
It's second down.
down.
(turns away) Take all the
Monica:
Ross:
I heard that!
[cut to Chandler
Well, I said
it loud.
Margha:
, Joey, and Margha.]
Chandler
It is okay, if I stay and watch?
You c
and Joey: Yeah! Why don't you stick
around.
(she goes and sits down)
an sit
right there.
Chandler
Joey:
: Well, that
went well.
Chandler
I think so.
her number
: Y'know, I was thinking about
ah, asking her for
Joey:
statement if I ask
for it myself
Thanks
.
man, but I
think it
Chandler
y'know for me, as a part
of that whole getting over Janic
: Whoa-ho,
whoa!
, y'know.
makes a stronger
No, I
was thinking about
thing you wer
e
Joey:
let you have her
Oh, yeah, that.
All right, means that much to ya, I'll
e
talking about.
Chandler
mean? Like if you
didn't I wouldn't have a shot?
: Thanks.
.
What, let me have her?! What do
Joey:
feel bad man, we all have our
strengths. You're better with
Well I don't
like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't
numbers and stuff.
Chandler
y'know
:
Math!! You're giving me math! All right, look
who gets her
what, forget about it, you go
for the girl, we'll see
[cut to
later
Ross:
okay. And sweetie..
Chandler
, in Ross's huddle.]
.
, I want
you to run a post pattern to the left,
Rachel:
doing is running bac
Yeah, I
know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm
Ross:
Rachel:
Well ah, you wanna just
stay out ther
k and forth from the huddle.
Ross:
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands
and bounces it off of
Yeah.
Can I see
that for second.
e?
Ross's forehead and
Chandler catc
Ross:
(Chandler
Okay.
Hut! Hike!
hes the rebound.)
ball.
Chandler runs upf
runs around behind Ross, who
pitches him the
his hands.)
Joey:
ield, and Joey knocks the ball out of
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler
gr
Fumble!
shirt and rips it off of his
back.)
Joey:
favourite jersey.
What the
hell's the matter w
abs Joey's
ith
you?! This is my
Chandler
math.
: Well
now you have two. Hey, I am good at
Joey:
have her
All right, that's it.
Y'know I was still
about yourself.
. But
now, forget about it. Prepare to feel ver
gonna
let you
y bad
Chandler
entire life!
O
: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that
Monica:
we'r
(the timer sounds as
Monic
e runnin'
All
r something about
you that's mean!
my
right,
out of
come on guys,
time. Forty-two!!
let's
go! Tie score, and
Phoebe:
boob! Ow
Oh
I got it!! (catches
a throws the ball to
Phoebe.)
Thirty-eight!! Hike!
the
ball)
Joey:
!
Oh! Ew! Broken
Monica:
Pheebs, run!
(Phoebe runs and
scores a touchdow
Run, Phoebe, run!
Phoebe:
n.)
Ross:
Monica:
Uh,
hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.
Touchdown!! Touchdown!!
Ross:
After
the snap!
Joey:
Before the snap!
Chandler
After!!
Rachel:
All:
Now, does it really matter?
: Before!!
Phoebe:
Yes!!
touchdown. So?
Well,
okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first
Ross:
Monica:
Oh Pheebs, that's
great. It doesn't count.
Ross:
Phoebe:
Cheater
Does so count!
, cheater,
compulsive eater.
Monica:
Oh my God!
Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't
13 of 41 Pages
Monica:
with you again,
okay. Just onc
No! Listen, I'm not
can't
blame
e I wanna beat w
gonna go through
hen you
this
fact that you thought you
were getting mono. Let's just
it on the broken
nose, the buzzer, or the
call this, tie score
and it's halftime.
Ross:
second of all, you
know I had swollen glands!!
Okay, first of
all, I don't play with cheaters, and
Monica:
Ross:
Y'know what? I'll think
you'll play.
[cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Oh really! Why is that?
Monica:
Ross:
Chandler
The Geller
Because
the w
Cup.
inner gets this!
to a
tw
All:
o by four?
: Is everybody else
seeing a troll doll nailed
Chandler
Yeah.
Commercial Br
: Okay, good.
[Scene: The
second half of the game.]
park,
eak
the gang is returning to play the
Ross:
Monica:
Okay, w
hospital
When
here in the hell did you get that?!
Mom and Dad drove you to the
and f
to
get your nose fixed, I swam into the
Ross:
ished it out.
lake
Monica:
That cup is mine!
win it!
No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to
Rachel:
Monica:
All right, so are we
not having dinner at all?
to get serious,
huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the
Come
on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time
game.
Joey:
girl.
It's hard, y'know, his
huddle is closer to Dutch
Monica:
running
will you be able to focus?
All right look, if
I take Chandler out of
Joey:
the
Monica:
What are you gonna do?
catches
the ball, I'll take c
All right, you just make
sure that Chandler
Joey:
Monica:
Okay.
are of the rest.
Joey:
Break!
(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
Here
you go!
Ross:
(Chandler c
Chandler! Chandler!
Chandler
(just as
and tackles hi
he
: (to Margha) Hi.
atches the ball and starts to run upfield.)
gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up
Monica:
m)
see that ever
Whoa!
Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't
Ross:
yday, do ya?
Monica:
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! What's w
Ross:
What?! I just
touched hi
ith the tackling?
rough.
Okay, you wanna play rough,
m and he went
over
we can play
.
(They both stare
each other dow
ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!')
n as we hear 'Let's get
(A long football
sequenc
[Sequenc
head
starts
to
e
Joey
1: Monic
who
a
e
follows.)
catches
throws
it
the ball over Chandler's
him, and he
starts to danc
to dance in celebration.
Chandler
for a touchdown, and
[Sequenc
e in celebr
then tackles
for a
steps in front of her and
interc
pass. Ross
e 2: Monic
runs
a
runs
over
upf
and pulls her
ield and
ation.]
stops, waiting
pants down,
[Sequenc
catches it. Phoebe starts
screaming and runs up to hi
e 3: Chandler
throws
epts the pass.]
a pass to Ross, who
and
running around his waist and
screaming.]
tries to tackle him. But all she
ends up doing
m
is
[Sequenc
camera
the
pans down
e 4: Ross hikes the ball
to Chandler
to show Rachel standing
, and
the
deep in
her on the head and she looks
up to see where it c
end zone, playing with her
gum. Something hits
from.]
[Sequenc
ame
runs up f
e 5: Monica hands the
ball off to Phoebe, who
knoc
yells...]
king him over
ield and
delivers a fore-ar
and scor
m shiver to
Chandler,
Phoebe:
es the touchdown,
and she
[cut
baked pretzel.]
to Ross
who walks
I love this game!!
up to Rachel
who is eating a
Ross:
Rachel:
Hey,
wher
Monica:
I went r
e'd you get
that?
Ross is done!
Forty-two
eally
long.
to twenty-one! Like the turkey,
Ross:
got to pick first, so you got the
better team.
It's no surprise that your
winning, 'cause you
Monica:
it, we're w
You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept
(Ross makes a 'Yeah. Right.' sound.)
inning because I'm better than you.
Monica:
right, y
Oh,
you Joey
for Rachel, and I'll still w
'know what, I'll
what a great
prove
argument,
it to
you, okay. I'll
exhaling! All
Ross:
ridiculous
What?! The guys
against the
in the game.
trade
girls?
See, that's
touchdowns.
Monica, because
I'm only down by three
Monica:
your afr
Oh, then
Ross:
with me.
F
aid you
might lose to a bunch of girls.
bring it on!
Oh, unless of course
ine, fine, Rachel your
with Monica, Joey you're
Rachel:
Monica:
I can not believe
your
like to be on a w
Come on Rach, come
on. Let's see w
trading me!!
hat's it
Rachel:
inning team for a change.
Monica:
Are you gonna let me play?
[cut to the guys' team.]
All right then.
Margha: (coming over)
The game is
over, we eat
Season 3
now?
Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game's not over,
we're just switching teams.
Joey: Yeah,
Chandler finds me so intimdating that
it's
better if we're on the same team.
Ross: Right.
Okay, let's play. Let's go.
Chandler: No ah,
hold on a second Joe, where do
Dutch people
come from?
Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania
Dutch, come
from Pennsylvania.
Chandler:
And the other ah, Dutch people, they
come on
from somewhere near the Netherlands,
right?
Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the
Netherlands is
this make believe place where
Peter Pan and
Tinker Bell come from.
Margha: Oh, my.
Ross: Enough with
geography for the insane, okay?
The Guys: One-
Mississippi! Two-Mississippi!
Three-
Mississippi!
(They all rush toward Rachel, who
panics and runs away.
She runs out of the park
and up along the fence, she then
comes back
into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets
to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and
it hits her in
the eye.)
Rachel: I'm so
sorry! Are you okay?
Monica: No! I'm not okay!
Rachel: I'm sorry, they were just all coming
at me, and I
didn't know what to do.
Joey:
(looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the
timer!
Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to
take that stupid troll
thing home!
Monica:
Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of
time! Huddle up!
Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh,
this is our last huddle, yeah.
Chandler: I was
shrieking... like a Marine.
(they both start
up the stairs.)
Ross: All right here. Watch
me execute the three 'P's
of championship
play. Power. (swings the racquet)
Precision.
(swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a
backswing and hits Sarah who's started up the
stairs,
knocking her down, they both watch in
horror.)
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all
there discussing
the incident.]
Monica:
You broke a little girl's leg?!!
Ross: I know.
I feel horrible. Okay.
Chandler: (reading the
paper) Says here that a
muppet got whacked on
Seasame Street
last night. (to
Ross)
Where exactly were around ten-ish?
Ross: Well,
I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her
something, what do you think she'll like?
Monica: Maybe a
Hello Kitty
doll, the
ability to walk...
(Rachel starts to laugh,
and Ross notices her.)
Let's play some ball,
guys.
Joey:
this guy, now.
Whoa, whoa,
no, no, I-I'm not playing with
Chandler
Ross:
chase her
Okay,
:
Fine with me.
y'know what, let's just cut to
the
like?
e. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys
do you
Chandler
are you doing?
and
Joey:
Margha:
Ross:
Which do I like?
What ar
What ar
e you doing?
e you
doing? What
taking back to your
Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment,
Margha:
windmill...
by
Chandler
the way I f
Well, if I had to chose right now,
which
ind really weird, I would have to say,
Chandler: Yes!!
.
Joey:
didn't
understand the questi
Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! She obviously
Chandler
on.
explain it to her
: Well, you don't you
have Captain Hook
Margha:
Chandler
I'm
sorr
.
mister I'll let you have her! I win!
You suck! I rule
: You
y, Joey, that is my
chose.
hear that! That is her chose,
all!
A
wave.)
mini-wave in celebration of me!!
(does
Margha:
the
my answer to, no
one.
I'm now thinking I would like to change
Chandler
Margha:
: Wh-what?
All
right, bye.
I now find you shallow and um, a
dork.
Joey:
months of sex.
Nice going.
You just saved yourself a couple
Chandler
she picked me. Me! F
: Y'know
what, it doesn't matter, 'cause
and
watchi
you have to stay
rom
home
now on I get the dates
Ross:
The
cloc
Save
ng
Ready, Set, Cook!
on
Saturday nights
the breakthroughs
for
losing, we ar
k is ticking. We have no
time, and we ar
therapy, okay.
Chandler
Ross:
: We'r
e losing to
girls.
e
e not gonna lose to girls.
Joey:
Hey
Monica:
Thi
on you
hair
Are we
s suc
! It's 42-21!
ks,
I was just up by that much!
playing football
[cut to the girls huddle.]
y-backed
Marries.
or what? Come
Monica:
women
We have to
lousy date that you ever
had, okay, ever
everywhere. Okay,
do this.
just
W
think
e are
about
playing for
every
kept on the TV
while you'r
y guy who
Phoebe:
glass eye
too?!
Oh my God! You dated someone w
e
making out...
ith a
Monica:
womankind.
Let's kill 'um!
Come on, okay, come on this
is for all
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Y
but
three boys?
their
A
eah!!! Kill
'um!!!
boy
ll right, no, well I want to
kill them to,
s, y'know how are we gonna beat
(Another football sequenc
[Sequenc
with
e 1: Chandler is
e
follows)
running
past Phoebe
stares
the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he
stops and
and takes the ball
away.]
dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then
r
[Sequenc
intercepted
e 2:
uns
up
Rachel jumps on his bac
by
Phoebe
Joey, who
throws
starts
the
to
ball, and it's
him,
Phoebe
but
Joey, who still manages to f
then
she
doesn't
both grab
slow
k in order to
tr
run
y and tackle
up field.
her
him
legs
down. Monica
in order to
stop
and
and sc
ight through the tackle
[Sequenc
ore the touchdown.]
Phoebe
flashes him again, but Chandler
e 3: Chandler
is
running with the ball,
eyes, and
keeps running. He then runs into a tree
covers his
at the end of the f
[cut to the
girls huddle]
ield.]
Monica:
to go, and
we're down by two points. T
All right, we
still have a minute and a half
(she gets
interrupted by the guys, who are doing a
wo
points....
slow
button-hook again. Rachel,
you go long.
-motion high five.) Phoebe you do
a
Rachel:
U
Monica:
se me. They
No! C
never c
ome on! Don't make me
over me.
go long.
Rachel:
something. I
Honey,
there's a reason.
God, I'm not lame, okay. I
can do
come on this is my game too.
can
throw, would you let me throw,
Phoebe:
Monica:
Come on Mon, let her
throw the ball.
pitch it to you, you throw it
dow
All right Rachel, you sweep
All right.
Break.
n field to Phoebe.
behind, I'll
Rachel:
Monica:
Thank you!
Break!
(Phoebe
Thirty-two! Seventy-one!
Hike!
back to Rac
snaps
hel.)
the
ball to Monica, who pitches
Monica:
Rachel:
All right, Phoebe get
open. Rachel, go long.
Monica:
(on the
verge of tears) Okay.
(In slow motion, Phoebe
snaps the ball, Rachel goes long.
Break!
Joey
wide open. Ross starts to rush
Monic
and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving
Rachel
double
see
cover
a, who sees
Phoebe is
underneath
flying through
ed, in desperation she
ball, then Phoebe,
Chandler
it, then the
the
throws to
Rachel. We
ball,
air,
then
and
Rachel
then Rachel
again, then
running
the
Then with the
grac
Rachel catc
e of Jerry Ric
, and
Joey staring at it in shock.
e (no offense to
Jerry Rice) ,
Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in
celebr
hes the ball, and she stops and spikes
the ball.
Rachel:
ation.)
Chandler
(in triumph) I got a touc
ah, end zone
starts at that pole, so
: Hey-hey-hey Rachel,
funny thing. Actually, the
hdown! We did it!!
we win!
you're five feet short, so
Phoebe:
though, if, if nobody tagged
Rachel, then isn't the play still
Wait-wait-
wait-wait! So, explain something to me
going.
(they all start to dive for
it at the same
time.)
the ball and Monica and Ross grab
Ross:
Monica:
Let go! Let go!
Chandler
Let go! I'm a tiny little
w
not important
: Guys! Guys! Come on!
oman!!
It's
Joey
Chandler! Thank
you, Amsterdam! Good ni
) the Dutc
who
h
girl pic
wins or loses.
Thanksgiving, it's
ked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves
The
important thing is, (to
Monica: Ow
ght!!
Closing Credits
!!
[Scene:
and
Joey are eating Thanksgiv
Monica and Rachel's,
Rachel,
Rachel:
Maybe there's a like league
we could join or something.
We should
defiantly
ing dinner
Phoebe,
play
football
.]
Chandler,
more often.
Phoebe:
Chandler
Isn't ther
Monday
nights.
: Yes. Yes,
e a national football
league.
there is, they play on Sundays and
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Oh shoot! I w
should
bring them some?
Umm, this stuff
ork Monday
nights.
ing is amazing. Do you think we
Joey:
[Scene: The
When they're
hungr
are still f
park, it's dark
y
enough, they'll c
outside and Monica and Ross
ome in.
Monica:
ighting over the ball.]
Ross:
Monica: No!
No! You let go!
Let go!
Ross:
ball?
How come it's
always us left in the field holding the
Monica:
care enough.
I don't
know. I guess the other people just don't
(It
starts snowing.)
Ross:
(They both look up,
and watch it start to snow. Then they
Hey!
It's starting to snow.
both start
f
Ross:
ighting for the ball again.)
Monica:
Gimme the this!
End
Let go!
310
The One Where Rachel
Quits
[Scene: Central Per
the
couc
k, Chandler and Rachel are sitting on
Chandler
h.]
know.
: (reading the
comics) Eh..., I don't, I don't
Rachel:
What?
Chandler
Snoopy should still be
allowed to fly this thing?
: Well, as old as
he is in dog years, do you think
Gunther
Rachel: Yeah.
: Rachel?
Gunther
how
waitr
Rachel:
ess?
you
: Do you
remember when you first came here,
spent
two weeks getting trained by another
new
Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody
Gunther
?
to take the training again,
whenever
: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah,
Terry wants you
Rachel:
.
Chandler
(to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that?
Opening
Cr
: (thinks about it) Yeah?
[Scene: The
edits
Bird girl selling c
hallway
of Ross's building,
stairs.]
ookies, as
Ross and Chandler c
there
ome up the
is
a Brown
Sarah:
behalf of
So that's two
boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On
the Brown
Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds
the Brown Birds of America, I salute you.
(Does
her
waves it like a bird flapping
it's w
hand, palm facing out, next
Ross:
ings.)
to
her
face, and then
Chandler
Just admit it
Chandler
backhand.
: Excuse me little
,
you have no backhand.
one, I have a very solid
Ross:
backhand.
Shielding your face
and shrieking like a girl... is not a
14 of 41
Pages
Rachel:
Ross:
I'm gonna get back
to retraining. (gets up)
Chandler
All
right, see you guys. (starts to leave)
continues to leave w
: Look out kids, he's
coming!
(Ross
Joey:
ith his head
down in shame.)
Phoebe:
And I gotta go
sell some Christmas trees.
totally against
that now.
Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I
forgot I am
Joey:
Phoebe:
What? Me
having a job?
dow
No, no, I am
against innocent trees being cut
grotesquely
dr
n in their prime, and their, their corpses
Joey
essed in like tinsel and twinkly
lights. (to
Joey:
) Hey, how do you sleep
at night?
around
Well,
w
all day.
I'm
Hey,
pretty
Phoebe
tired
from
listen,
lugging
you got
the
this
trees
all
their ful
rong.
Those trees were born to be Christmas trees,
happy.
filling their life purpose, by, by
making people
Phoebe:
(Phoebe
Really?
frantically motions to
Chandler
turns
and looks at Monica,
while Joey
Chandler
too, because for most
of them, it's the onl
: Yes. Yes, and ah,
to help him out.)
ah, the trees are happy
see New Y
y chance to
[cut to Gunther
r
ork.
Gunther
etraining Rachel.]
take the empty tray....
: ...and after
you've delivered the drinks, you
Rachel:
for
over ther
two and a
Gunther
half years,
, Gunther
I know
, please, I've worked
the empty trays go
here
Gunther
e. (points to the
counter
tray
counter
on another
:
What if you put them here. (sets the empty
.)
stack of empty trays on the back
Rachel:
.)
idea,
Huh. W
Y'know what, you should have the
other
because that way
ell, y'know that's
actually a really good
they'll be closer to
that too.
waitresses do
the mugs.
Gunther
'tray spot.'
: They already do.
That's why they call it the
Rachel:
just
always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh
Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I
God, I'm, I'm sorr
Gunther
y. (walks
away)
[Scene:
space motif.]
Sar
:
It's all right. Sweetheart.
ah's bedroom, her
room is decorated with a
Ross:
your Dad
So, this must be kinda neat for
ya,
huh? I mean,
school,
cookies anymore.
and
tells me
you, you
that you
ah, don't
get a
have
couple
to
of days
sell those
off
Sarah:
girl w
gets to sit in a
ho
sells the most wins a trip to Spacec
Well, I
kinda wanted
to sell the cookies. The
Ross:
huh?
Wow, you ah, you really
like all this spac
real space shuttle.
amp,
and
e stuff,
Sarah:
helping
Y
about outer space, he'd be able to afford a
trip to the
hi
eah. My Dad
m clean
apartments,
says if I
as
spend
I
do
as much
daydreaming
time
Taj
Mahal.
Ross:
apartments to go all the way
to India.
I think you would have to clean a
whole lot of
Sarah:
He
Gr
Ross:
andma left me.
says
No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots.
he's gonna double the college money my
more boxes would you have to sell in or
Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how
Sarah:
and seventy-
The girl who won
last year sold
der to w
four hundr
in?
many
Ross:
Sarah:
Yeah.
five.
ed
Ross:
(starts to get out his wallet)
How much ar
Four
So far
hundred,
,
I've sold seventy
huh? Well, that
-five.
sounds do-
Sarah:
Ross:
Five dollars
a box
e the boxes?
able.
Sarah:
(puts away his wallet) And what is second prize?
.
something my Dad c
A ten speed bike.
But, I'd rather have
Ross:
ouldn't sell.
Sarah:
W
trouble?
Coul
ell, that
makes sense.
Ross:
Sarah:
Y
d
you do me one favor, if it's not too much
eah,
Sar
astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna
be on the
Could you pull open the curtains
for me? The
ah, anything.
new
the
s, and since we
could watch it.
alley
said she'd push
don't
hers
have a TV,
up to
the
a window,
lady acr
so
I
oss
[Scene: A hallway,
for
Sar
Woman:
ah, he stops and knoc
Ross is
selling Brown
ks on a door.]
Bird cookies
standing in the hallway.) Yesss?
(looking
through her peephole, we see Ross
Ross:
Woman:
Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird
cookies.
my peephole.
You're no Brown
Bird, I can see you through
Ross:
the Brown
Bird salute.)
No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary
Brown Bird
Woman: What does that mean?
(does
Season 3
Ross: Ah,
well, it means that I can sell cookies,
but
I'm not invited to sleep-overs.
Woman: I can
dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button,
y'know.
Now, go away!
Ross: No, please, please, um,
it's for a poor little
girl who wants to go to
Spacecamp more than
anything in the world.
Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his
way.
Ross: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going.
(goes
across the hall to knock on another
door.)
Woman: I can still see you!
Ross:
All right!!
[Scene: Joey's work, selling
Christmas trees.]
Rachel: I don't know, I mean
I would give anything to
work for a designer,
y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just don't
want
to be 30 and still work here.
Chandler: Yeah,
that'd be much worse than being 28, and
still
working here.
Gunther: Rachel?
Rachel:
Yeah.
Gunther: Remind me to review with you
which pot is
decaf and which is regular.
Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles on
them?
Gunther: You would think.
Rachel:
Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible
waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible
waitress? Because,
this one's yours! Ahhh.
Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last
year?
Phoebe: All right y'know what,
nevermind! Everyone
wants to have a green one!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to get so
emotional, I guess it's just the holidays,
it's hard.
Monica: Oh honey, is that
'cause your Mom died
around Christmas?
Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.
Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who
gives a
'way-to-go' thumbs up and smile.)
[Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there
with the
other Brown Birds to see who won the
contest.]
Phoebe:
Joey:
Phoebe:
Hey.
What, w
(walking up to Joey) Hey.
said,
and um, I r
Well, I-I thought a
hat are
you doing her
lot
e?
a
but oh...
little judgmental.
ealilized duh, all
right maybe I was
about what you
Yeah,
(looks at the tree) oh,
Joey:
fulf
Look
now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just
Phoebe:
illing their Christmas....
Joey:
Phoebe: Yes.
Sure.
Destiny.
Joey:
Phoebe:
All right.
by
Okay. (One of Joey's co-workers, walks
ver
with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesn't look
Joey:
y fulf
he's just taking it to the
bac
Oh,
illed.
that's, that's ah,
Phoebe:
k.
one of the old ones,
so
ageist.
You keep the old ones in the back,
that is
Joey:
ones.
Well we have to
make room for the fresh
Phoebe:
Joey:
Phoebe:
Well, they go
into the chi
So, what happens to the old guys?
happy
Why,
pper.
into
as it
sounds?
do I have a
(Joey points
feeling that's
out one
not as
going
music
the
Nooooo!!! (she
w
starts
chipper
to
to
play
her, as this haunty, demonic
against
out from the c
Joey's shoul
inces in
horror and hides her
in the background) No!
der, as she sees the tree spit
face
Joey:
Hey
(to the
hipper
guy
.)
operating
the chipper) Hey!
[Scene: Centr
!! (makes the 'c
Ross
al Perk, all except Phoebe are there,
ut
it' motion with his hands)
being
is
telling the gang, minus Rachel who's still
options.]
retrained, about the different
cookie
Ross:
favourite
...and
these come in the shapes of your
and Baby
Jesus.
Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph,
Joey:
Jesus's.
All right, I'll take a
box of the cream filled
Ross:
tr
Wait a
minute, one box! Come on, I'm
putting you down
ying to send a
about you?
for
f
little
ive boxes. Chandler
girl to
Spacecamp,
, w
I'm
hat
Chandler
flavoured deities?
:
Ahh, do you have any coconut
Ross:
Menor
No, but ah, ther
eight boxes, one for each ni
eoes. I tell
you what, I'll
e's coconut in the Hanukkah
put you down for
(Chandler mouths 'Okay.')
Ross:
ght.
Monica:
Mon?
treasur
All
right, I'll take
one box of the
gaining weight after I joined
the Brown Birds. (to
es, just one, and that's
it. I-I started
mint
Ross) Remember
and
I ate them all?
, how
Ross:
your
Ah,
no Mon, Dad
Dad bought all my boxes
had to buy everyone of
y'know I'm sure
that's not gonna happen this time,
boxes
because you ate them all. But ah,
why
treasur
don't I put you
Monica:
No.
es and just a couple of the Rudolph's.
down for three of the mint
Ross:
Monica:
Oh, come on, now you know
you want 'em.
Ross:
box for free.
I'll
tell you w
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't
do this.
hat Mon, I'll give you the first
Monica:
I gotta go! (runs out)
(she
reaches out for it and stops) Oh God!
Ross:
(chases after her
Come on! All
the
cool kids are eating 'em!
[cut
to Gunther r
.)
Gunther
wanna
: And
when y
etraini
ng Rachel.]
ou have
a second
under coffee mugs and leave them
there.
show you why we don't just trap spiders
later, I
Rachel:
training
(sitting
down
off
to be better at a job
next
that I
to Chandler)
hate, my
I'm
life
Joey:
icially sucks.
temporar
Look
fashion stuff?
y
thing?
Rach,
I
wasn't
thought
this
you
supposed
wanted to
to
do
a
Rachel:
Chandler
Well,
yeah! I'm still pursuing that.
Y'know other
than sending out resumes like what,
: How...
exactly are you pursuing that?
tw
Rachel:
o years ago?
thoughts.
Well,
I'm also sending out.... good
Joey:
you've got nothing pushing you to get
another
If you ask me, as long as you got this
job,
You need the fear
Rachel:
.
one.
Chandler
The fear?
have
motivation to go after a job you really want.
: He's right, if you quit this job, you then
Rachel:
that you hate, I mean why don't you
quit and get
Well then how come you're still
at a job
'the fear'?
(Chandler and Joey
both laugh)
Chandler: Because, I'm too
afraid.
I don't care. I don't care. I
don't c
and w
just
think I should do it
anymore. I'm gonna give you my weeks
don't
hich pot is decaf
care, this is
, I
don't c
not what I want
are where the tray
spot is, I
are which pot is regular
to do.
So I don't
notice.
Gunther: What?!
Rachel:
Chandler
Gunther, I quit.
start pay
: (to Joey) Does this mean we're
gonna have to
Commercial Br
ing for coffee?
(Joey shrugs his shoulders.)
[Scene:
on a
c
Ross:
alculator as Ross reads off how
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler
eak
muc
is entering numbers
h he's sold.]
What?
Chandler
....and 12, 22, 18,
four... (Chandler starts laughing)
Monica:
cookie supply) Ross,
:
(comes
I spelled out boobies.
up
and
mint treasures, okay. Where,
but me
starts
down
looking
for
another
through
box
Ross's
Ross:
where are the mint treasur
of the
es?
Monica: What?
Ah, we're out. I
sold them all.
Ross:
Monica:
Monica,
I'm c
It-it-it's
me out with a couple
more boxes!
no big
No. No,
deal,
just,
utting you off.
all right,
just,
I'm-
just
I'm
a couple
cool. You
more
gotta
boxes.
help
Ross:
Monica:
Mon, look at
yourself. You have cookie on your neck.
bathroom)
(covers her neck) Oh God! (runs
to
Chandler
the
Ross:
: So, how
many have you sold so far?
Chandler
Chec
Ross:
: Oh my God, how did you do
that?
k this out. Five hundred and seventeen
boxes!
as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the
planetarium, without
Okay, the other night I
was leaving the museum just
even
tr
the
ying I sold 50 boxes! That's when it
occurr
hitting
key
cookies by the
c
the
to my
NYU
succ
dor
ess,
ms
'the
around
munchies.' So I
midnight. I
ah,
ed to me,
am
started
Rachel:
envelope stuffers, I
need stamp lic
(entering) Okay,
ase. They
call me:
stop what you're
'Cookie Dude!'
selling
doing, I need
Ross:
Chandler
Well hey, w
kers.....
Ross:
: Me! On my c
ho did these resumes
for ya?
omputer
Chandler
Well you sure
used a large font.
.
cheer squad co-
captain onl
: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a
coffee shop and
Rachel:
Your
Hey-hey-
hey that's
y took up so much room.
funny
funny
a funny guy! You wanna know
! Your
what
funny Chandler!
else
is really
Chandler
?!
Rachel:
that
told me to quit my job when I had absolutely
nothing
I
: Something else I might have
said?
don't know, I don't know, weren't you
the guy
else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!!
Ross:
Rachel:
Sweetie, c
last day,
No, it's not gonna be okay
alm down, it's
gonna be okay.
just gonna, I'm just gonna
c
and I don't have a lead. Okay, y
Ross,
tomorrow is my
him, I'm not quitting.
all
Gunther and I'm gonna tell
'know what, I'm
Chandler
Rachel:
like to take you and
your fear
Y
:
ou and your stupid
fear
You-you-you don't wanna give into the
fear
. I hate your fear. I would
.
Joey:
new
(entering, interrupting
....
Rachel)
Hey! I got
Chandler
s!
great
Joey:
Fortunata Fashions?
What?
:
Run, Joey
Rachel,
! Run for your life!
(runs out)
listen, have you ever heard
of
Rachel: No.
Joey:
and he
W
see if I can get you an inter
heard
ell my old man is doing a plumbing job down
ther
they have an
e
Rachel:
view
opening. So, you want
?
me to
sw
Oh my God! Yes, I would love
that, oh, that is soo
Joey:
eet, Joey.
Rachel:
Not a problem.
Joey:
Ross:
And now for the great news.
Thanks.
Joey:
What, that wasn't the
great news?
aerosol
Onl
want
Christmas lookie.
me
can)
y if you
think it's better than this... (holds up an
to
snow
decorate
-in-a-can!!
the
window,
I got it at
give
wor
it
k.
a
Mon,
kind
you
of
Monica:
[Scene: Joey wor
Christmas
cookie?
Joey:
a little more money, but you
get a nic
Okay, and ah, this one her
k,
Joey is showing a guy a tree.]
e is a Douglas
Fir
Guy:
er smell.
, now it's
Phoebe:
Looks good. I'll take it.
wait! No,
(running up c
this
no,
you don't want
arrying a tree) W
that
ait, wait, wait, wait,
has)
cool brown
one. (points to the
one. No, you
almost
dead
can
tree
have
she
Guy:
Phoebe:
It's-it's-it's almost
dead!
fulf
Okay but that's why you have to
buy it, so it c
an
into the
chipper
il it's Christmas desti
Joey:
.
Tell hi
ny, otherwise there gonna throw it
destiny are thr
Yeah, the ah,
Guy:
own in the chi
trees
m, Joey
that
pper
don't fulf
.
il their
Christmas
Joey:
I-
commission her
I think I'm gonna look around a little bit
mor
Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working
e.
on
Monica:
Christmas tree.
(entering)
e.
Hey, guys. I'm here to pick
out my
Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows
her the dead one)
15 of 41 Pages
Ross:
many, how many ah, did you sell?
(to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How
Girl:
broke Sarah's leg.
I'm not gonna
tell you! You're the bad man who
Ross:
Girl:
Ross:
Y
Hey now!
That was an accident, okay.
Girl:
Ross:
Why don't you look in the mirror
What's a
scrud?
ou're a big scrud.
, scrud.
Leader
I don't have too. I c
tallies.
(all the girls r
: All right girls, and
an
just look at you.
man. Let's see your final
(looks at her for
Ver
m) 321 box
aise
their hands) O
es of cookies, (to
Debbie)
hhhh, Debbie,
Ross:
y nice.
Leader
(to himself) Not nice enough.
Ross:
: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still
good.
Leader
(to himself) Good for a
scrud.
Ross:
: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871.
Good going. (does the salute)
That's
crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth)
Leader
Ross, who's feverishly writing on
his form, and
: Who's next? (goes
over
and stands behi
her throat to
get his attention.)
clears
nd
Ross:
Leader
Hi there!
Although,
: Hi. And batting
cookies
yourself.
it looks like you
for
Sar
bought
ah, Ross Geller
an awful
,
lot
872.
of
Ross:
a
ver
Um, that is because my doctor says that I
have
[Scene:
y serious.... nuget....
diffency.
there.]
Central Perk, Chandler,
Phoebe, and Ross are
Chandler
Ross:
her
: Tell us what happened,
Brown Bird Ross.
U.S.S. Nimitz, and sold over
2,000 boxes.
nineteen year
Well, I lost.
Some little girl loaned her unifor
old sister,
who went down to
m to
the
Chandler
inter
: (to Rachel, who's
entering) Hey! How'd the
Rachel:
view go?
Ross:
Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even
hired me.
on
(she glar
like
Oh,
come her
a thousand
e sweetie, listen,
you'r
interviews before you
e gonna go
get a job.
to come out.
es at him)
That's not how that was supposed
Phoebe:
Chandler
This is the worst
Christmas ever
y'know stay her
: Y'know what
Rach, maybe you should just,
.
Rachel:
e at the coffee house.
girl
over there. (points to her) Look at her
I
can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that
got waitr
ever
sw
ybody
ess
experienc
, she's even
how to make
e.
Last night
napkin....
she was
(starts
teachi
to cr
ng
y)
Ross:
ans.
[Scene:
That w
Chandler
The
ord
was swans.
hallway between the two apartments,
stairs.]
, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are
coming up the
Chandler
really per
: Well
(They
apartment
start
ked up my
Christmas.
seeing that drunk Santa wet
himself,
from Joey
is
to
filled
with
go into
all
Monic
of the
a
and
old Christmas
Rachel's,
trees
their
Phoebe:
Joey
couch)
Merr
and
Oh! O
's work.)
Monica:
h my God!
(jumping up
from behind the
Phoebe:
y Christmas!!
the best!
You saved them! You guys! Oh
God, you're
Chandler
Trees.'
: It's
like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas
(phone rings)
Rachel:
this is she.
(listens) Oh! You'r
(answering the phone)
Hello? (listens) Yeah,
(listens) Oh thank you!
I love you!
e kidding! You're kidding!
Chandler
Rachel:
: Sure, everybody loves
a kidder.
All:
Phoebe:
That's gr
(hanging up the phone) I got the job!
eat!
Hey! Excellent!
[Scene: Centr
Oh, God bless
us, ever
coffee.]
al Perk, Rachel is
ser
yone.
ving her last cup of
Rachel:
(the
Here we go. I'm serving
my last c
There you
gang
cheer)
go.
starts
(hands
humming
it to
Chandler) Enjoy.
the graduation
up of
coffee.
(they all
theme)
Chandler
Ross:
: (to Ross) Should I tell her I
ordered tea?
Rachel:
No.
night working
Um, excuse me, ever
made some
really
here, and I ah,
yone. Ah, this is my
last
just wanted say
it's just time to
move on. (at the c
good friends wor
that I
to cr
ounter
king here, and ah,
Gunther
to
idea how
ever
y and runs
into the back room) Ah, and no offenc
starts
ybody who ah, still works here, you have no
e
will never have to make c
good it
feels to say that as of this moment I
[Scene:
Rac
what to do.]
hel's new job,
offee
again.
Rachel's boss is telling her
Rachel's
strong, so your
Boss:
Now
gonna use two bags instead of one, see.
Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee
people use
f
pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see
Closing Credits
ilters just once.
some
[Scene: The hallway between the apartments,
Ross is
bringing Sarah to Joey and
Chandler's.]
Ross:
Spacec
I'm,
I'm sorry you didn't get to go to
this may
make up for it. Pr
amp, and I'm hoping that
maybe somehow,
Private Ver
and C
y
Special Spacecamp!! (opens the door
esenting
Sarah Tuttle's
decorated
handler and
Joey jump up, their
chairs is c
like outer
space, one of
apartment is
the leather
Sarah:
Ross:
puts
Oh c
Really
Mr
overed in tinfoil.)
. Geller, you don't
have to do this.
countdown!
her in
ome on! Here we go! (picks her up and
the
chair) Stand by for mission
Joey:
nine....,
eight, eight, eight... (
(simulating an echo)
Ten, ten.., nine, nine,
the back of the head)
Okay, Blast off!
Chandler hits him in
(They
outer space. Ross pic
start shaking the
chair likes it's
flying into
spinning
beeping
it in his hand
ks up a
socc
and runs around
er ball and starts
the
running around the chair and
saying...)
like a satellite. Chandler also
chair
Chandler
starts
Ross:
: I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
off
the back of Joey's head.)
Oh no! An asteroid!
(throws the soccer ball
(The c
smile on her
face.)
amera zooms in on Sarah and she has a
big
End
311
Remember Which Sister
The One Where
Chandler Can't
[Scene:
Ross,
demonstr
Joey,
Monica
and
and
Rachel
Rachel's,
are
Monica,
there,
Phoebe,
Joey is
Joey:
one)
Okay,
ating a
car
pick a
d trick.]
Got it?
All
right, now memorize it.
card, any card.
Show
(Monica
to everybody.
picks
Monica:
Joey:
back,
All right,
give it bac
Um-mm.
back in the dec
but
he looks at the
k to me. (takes the
c
car
ard
and thinks a little while) 5
of hearts.
k, he holds the dec
d before he
k to his for
puts
ehead,
it
(Monic
Ross:
Rachel: W
Real magic
does exist.
a is sarcastically amazed.)
Monica:
it?
Wow. Joey,
(sarcastic
ow.
ally) how do you do
Joey:
(We hear some knoc
I can't tell
you that, no.
Ross:
king coming from the
ceiling.)
Rachel:
Ah, somebody's at the
door on the ceiling.
neighbor
Noo, that's
our unbelievably loud upstairs
Monica:
.
hear ever
He took up the carpet, and now
you can
Phoebe:
y
to 'step lightly,
please?'
Why don't you go up ther
thing.
e and ask him
Monica:
charming, that I
go up there to yell and then I end
I have
like five times, but the guy is so
up
apologizing to hi
Phoebe:
there, I'll tell
him to keep it dow
Ooh, that
m.
is
silly. (gets up) I'll go up
Monica:
n.
Rachel:
(Phoebe exits)
Good luc
All right, be my guest.
k.
Joey:
you
When
really wanna know
All
right, all right, all right, all right, all right,
didn't
you handed me
how I
back
the
did
car
it, I'll show ya.
d,
what you
inv
see was, I looked at it so
fast that it was
quickly looks at
it)
isible to the naked eye. (picks up a card
and
did
guy
it, again. Her
I just
did it. (does it again) I just
motion)
s
can see it.
e, I'll
(looks
slow
and
it dow
the
n
card
so
that you
in slow
All:
(We hear
Phoebe knoc
Oh, I got it.
the guy answer
it.)
k at the door upstairs, and
Phoebe:
was
(muffled thr
ough
the floor) Yeah, look I
ever
tired...
(
y
w
thing up her
ith my friend
e
that you do, and I am sic
downstairs and we
k and
hear
Guy:
I tired but the
rest is unintelligible) .
Phoebe:
(muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Opening Cr
(muffled) Oh, thank you.
[Scene:
earlier
Monica
edits
and Rachel's, continued
Chandler
.]
from
of rope about six feet long w
:
(entering) Hey, anybody got a length
end?
ith a little nouse at the
Monica:
Chandler
Honey, what's the
matter?
All:
: I just saw Janice.
Chandler
Oh.
skating w
: Yeah, she
was at Rockefeller Center
almost
them.
feel
ith
bad
her husband,
for
whipping
she looked
that kid's
so
happy. I
pretzel at
Joey:
girl
walking w
Katherine,
Man, I remember
after we broke
the first
up.
time
I
She was
saw that
just
talking.
God, it killed me.
ith her friend Donna, just
laughing and
Chandler
both of them that
afternoon.
: Yes, but you ended up having sex
with
Joey:
y'know....
Sorry, I just,
any excuse to tell that story
Ross:
you'll
feel better then.
Hey Chandler, there's a
party tomorrow,
Chandler
you don't have to
throw a party for me.
: Oh, y'know what, I'm
gonna be okay,
Monica:
Chandler
It's
Joey's birthday.
a party it should be hi
:
Oh, well then, if anybody should have
(We hear
Phoebe's
m.
muffled voice through the
Season 3
ceiling.)
Monica:
Rachel:
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and
Phoebe laughing.)
Sush!! I cannot believe she
is still up there. heart Ross' sandwich board and
ringing my bell.
I didn't have to, because I
was wearing my 'I
Chandler
Ross:
Y'know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh
og-
: Okay, well he totally screwed up the
punch line. Joey's
U
[Scene: Fortunata
Fashions, Rachel's new
errigh. (all 7 of them
look almost identical)
Sisters:
h-huh.
(entering) Joey!!! Happy
Mr. Kaplan:
job.]
Joey:
Rachel:
Chandler
Hey!! Hey-hey-
hey!
Birthday!!
right away Mr
(jumping
(entering) How's that coffee comin,'
dear?
up from reading her magazine) Yeah, you
seeing?
: (to Monica) Okay, how many of that
girl are
Mr. Kaplan:
. Kaplan.
Monica:
gassy.
I'm not supposed to drink
coffee, it makes me are Joey's sisters.
How
hammered are you? Huh? These, these
Rachel:
Chandler
Mr. Kaplan:
I
knowPhoebe:
: Hi Joey's sisters!
girl w
I'll
!
bet your thinking, 'What's an
intelligent Cookie:
(to one of his sisters,
Cookie) Hey!
Rachel: Op.
ho wants to be in
fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh? Phoebe:
Hey. What are we drinkin' over here.
Mr
Cookie:
Rachel:
. Kaplan:myself
right after
No kiddin,' that's the ex
Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberr
act same
drink I made
y juice.
Mr.
Phoebe:
I shot my husband.
potential. Well, I've got a
project for y
Kaplan:
Oh, you got me.
Eh.
Well, don't think I haven't noticed
your(Cut to Chandler)
Wow. Okay, I don't know
how to talk to you.
related to fashion. How
does that sound?
ou that's a lot more
Sister
Rachel:
Chandler
1: (to
Chandler) What 'cha doing?
Mr.
Kaplan:
Oh, that sounds grdialer
: Oh, I'm
taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed
over to a
storage closet)
Come on over
eat.
here, sweetheart. (they walk Joey's Sisters: Oh!!
.
Rachel:
Chandler
much.
Oh
thank you so much Mr
. Kaplan, thank you
so must we
: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good
thing. Why
Mr. Kaplan:
through
dial
full of tangled up hangers.)
(opening the
closet door revealing that it's moments?
life?
so
Why
speedily anyway?
c
Why
must we rush
ASAP. (she is stunned) You're
welc
I need these hangers separated huge
br
[Scene: The Moondanc
(Cut to Ross and
Monic
easts you have.
(to one of Joey's
an't we
sisters) Those are
savor the
precious
some
about her job.]
e Diner,
Rachel is talking to Monic
ome.
Ross:
a)
Rachel:
a
Monica: Hi.
Hi.
hate it.
Oh God, I hate my job, I hate
it, I hate my job, I Ross:
Monica:
that ah,
Rachel met today.
Yeah. So um, I-I heard
about this ah, Mark guy
Rachel:
I know
honey, I'm sorry. Monica:
out,
Ross:
Isn't that great?
demeani
then I
Oh, I
wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it
think why would such a person stay in sounds
like a nice, good guy.
Oh yeah! So ah, kinda
pretty, pretty good. He
f
Monica:
Monica:
ield they'r
ng
e interested in.
job, just because it's
remotely related
suc
to
h a
the
y'know w
Oh, he is. And he is
up!! I
got a Y
(gives her a look) Gee, I don't know
Rach. Order 'Hummina-hummina-hummina.' (
hat,
when he left I actually
so dreamy.
used
the phr
I mean,
ase,
the
Dowdy
Ross:
Rachel:
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Monic
That's excellent.
walks
away)
mind
and Rachel are eating
breakfast.]
a, Phoebe, Ross,
gonna
paying
Oh
!
entel soup, a James
Beans, and a Howdy hold
honey,
my dues,
come
y'know,
on, I'm
its
sorry, I didn't.... I don't
Ross:
seamstress, to the bathroom.
learn about fashion by walking
just
Mir
how
a, the
much
arthritic
am I
think this Mar
(to
Rachel) So, he's just a
nice guy. You
really
(A guy at the end of the table starts
laughing.)
helping him?
k doesn't want
anything in exchange for
Rachel:
Rachel:
Guy:
(to him) Hi! Is my misery
amusing to you? him, but y'know, that's true of
any job.
Well, I assume I'll have to take
showers with
again)
I'm sorry, I wa,
I wa, I was just ah.... (starts to laugh (Chandler
enters hungover and groaning)
Rachel:
Monica:
Guy:
Chandler
How
mannequin heads at that Mannequins Plus.
Oh
It's not funny, this is actually my job.
believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort
because I dr
: Well, my
ya feelin'?
apartment isn't there anymore,
Rachel:
Phoebe:
talking to my friend
here. And you can go bac
Oh well then, so I'm
just going to go back to opened up all the
presents.
Wher
ank it.
e'd you get
too? We lost you after you
your little
hamburger
k to enjoying Ross:
Guy:
.
Chandler
Yeah.
Rachel: Yes?!
Ah, just
one other thing. not alone.
: Yeah, I ended up
in the storage room, and
Guy:
All:
job
possibility if your
I ah, I work at
Chandler
Woooo hoooo!!!
Rachel:
, if
your interested?
Bloomingdale's
and I might
know of a
Phoebe:
: Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no
'woo-hooing.'
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
it's Joey's party.]
(looks at Monica) (to
him) Do you want my pickle?
Chandler
Why, what happened?
Gunther
(Phoebe gasps)
W
: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's
sister
Monica:
Monica:
out on a date
w
Hey Gunther
: (to Monica and Phoebe) Hey
guys.
. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you're going
Chandler
What is the worse part?
ell,
that's not the worst part.
.
Phoebe:
Ross:
: I can't remember which
sister.
Monica:
Well, he's ver
ith the
noisy guy upstairs?
y char
men are not
nice! (points to Chandler) This is men!!
(to
Rachel) You see what men do! Don't tell me
going out, then it's just gonna make it so
much harder for
I know, he's too char
ming.
ming, but if you two start Commercial Br
me
to hate him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
c
eak
Phoebe:
Monica:
ontinued from
earlier
Monica:
Well, you're just gonna
have to try. you, he's actually going to kill you
dead.
Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going
to kill
.]
Joey:
Chandler
around...
I don't know, C
Joey, where are the
handler is supposed to be passin' 'em
Jell-o
shots?
Phoebe:
: Okay! You
don't think I thought of that?
(Camer
Rachel:
ceramic dog and holding
an empty tray of Jello shots.)
a cuts to show
Chandler giving a Jello shot to the Monica:
I
mean that's unbelievable.
How can you not
know which one?
Joey:
Ross:
I mean,
was it Gina?
Chandler
Chandler!
Rachel:
Which one is Gina?
Ross:
Monica:
Dark, big hair, with the
airplane earrings.
Monica:
Oh,
somebody
: Hello-dillillio!!
's feeling
better. Chandler
No, no, no, that's Dina.
Chandler
(to Chandler) Sticone is w
:
(to Monica) You see you can't tell which
(Chandler
:
k out your tongue.
Phoebe:
hic
green.)
sticks out
(to Monica) Take off your shirt!
is tongue and
it's a horrible shade of Dwha! Dwha!
W
h
either
e didn't
, dwha!!
fool around
with any of them.
Monica:
Chandler
Joey:
Oh my!! girl in the r
:
Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the
These are pure vodka.
Oh my God! How many
of these things did you have? her throat.
ed
skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down
Chandler
Monica:
Rachel:
Chandler
That was me.
happened to me today.
(entering,
: Yeah,
Jell-o
to Ross) The
just like Mom used to make.
most
unbelievable thing I tend to get overly friendly,
and I'm sorr
: Look, when I've been drinking,
sometimes
Ross:
Monica:
Rachel:
Hi!
Rachel:
That's okay.
y.
guy
Hi! So
I'm out having lunch at Monica's Ross:
That's
all right.
buyer
starts talking to me,
and it turns out he wor
and this
ks for a
Joey:
That's okay.
opening
at for a
second?!
(angrily entering, to Chandler) Can
I talk to you
number and he's gonna call me
this weekend to see if he
in
Bloomingdale's
his department.
and
So
there
I gave
happens
him my
to be
phone
an
Ross:
can get me
an inter
Rachel:
Hey, Joey.
Ross:
Joey:
Rachel:
Wow!
view!
him)
Come
Hey. (they all walk away
from Chandler)
on!! (motions for Chandler to
come with
Ross:
Chandler
reason?
W
I know
hat, so
!
this guy is helping you witnesses.
: Why
can't we talk in here? With, with,
Rachel:
for no apparent
Joey:
Ross:
Uh-huh!
Ross:
I just got off the phone with my sister.
Rachel:
And he's, he's a total stranger?
Joey:
Ah, which, which one?
Ross:
YRoss:
Mar
some sex
Huh.
eah! His
name is um, Mar
Sounds like Mark Something
k something.
wants to have Joey:
Mar
y-
y-
Angela.
Angela.
Rachel:
Monica:
Yeah.
Ross:
What!?
.
Joey:
Y'know which one was
she again?
y'know, sw
Well, I'm just
saying, I mean why else would he just, that fooled
around w
Why don't you ask Chandler, 'cause
he's the one
Rachel:
oop in out of nowhere
for no reason. could
Ross:
just gettin'
over Janice by groping my sister
really fall
for her
ith her
. Now
. She told me you
said you
is that true? Or are you
no
reason?
Hey, Joey. Are men ever nic
To be
nice.
e to strange women for
Chandler
Joey:
Joey:
: It's gotta be the
first one.
.
Ross:
No, onl
a
tree.
Really? That's great! You and my
sister, sittin' in
Mark Something about me?
Thank you.
y for sex.
(to Rachel) So
did you ah, did you tell Chandler
[Scene:
Monic
: Yep, I'm in a tr
a and Rachel's,
Monica is w
ee.
riting letters
16 of 41
Pages
Season 3
as Rachel
enters.]
Rachel: Did he call? Did Mark call?
Monica: No honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's
not over yet.
Rachel: Oh. (we hear
laughing from the upstairs
apartment) Oh my
God, is that Phoebe?
Monica: I guess they're
back from their date.
(He starts to play
music.)
Rachel: Music. Very nice.
(We
hear them start making out upstairs.)
Monica:
Oh my God!
Rachel: So, how are you?
Monica: I am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, what's it about?
Monica:
I don't remember. Do you wanna take a
walk?
Rachel: Yeah, I do. (they both run out)
Ross: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I
losing my
senses!! This dreamy guy is taking
my girlfriend out for a
meal.
Monica:
What?! Ross y'know this isn't even about you! I
mean this is about Rachel and something
wonderful
happening for her. I mean you know
even if you're right,
what if he wants to
sleep with her, does it mean he gets
too?
Ross: No.
Monica: I mean don't you trust
her?
Ross: Well, yeah!
Monica: Then get
over yourself! Grow up!
Ross: (shyly) You grow
up.
[Scene: Joey's sister's house, they're
finishing up dinner.]
Chandler: This teramisu
is, is excellent. Did you make it
Mary-Angela?
Joey's Grandmother: No! I did!
Chandler:
Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-Angela do you
Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she
loves you.
You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Mark: Yes.
Rachel:
(to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and
hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congratu!!
(sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.
Closing
Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The
entire gang is there.]
Monica: So ah, Phoebe,
how was your date?
Phoebe: Oh well y'know.
(laughs)
Monica: Yeah, I do know.
Phoebe:
Ick, you were eavesdropping.
Rachel:
Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were
falling down.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. But I
really like this guy. And I
think he really
happens to like me.
[Scene:
letter that
Chandler w
Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading
a
Ross:
rote.]
is
Chandler) What
the hell's a matter w
the
Dear
hardest
Mar
letter
y-Angela. Hi. How's
I've ever had
it going. This
do you
out that you blew off his sister w
think
Joey's going to react when he
ith you? How
to write. (to
finds
Chandler
ith a
letter?
that I
: Well, that's the part
where you tell him
Cuba.
moved to France.
When actually I'll be in
Ross:
yourself,
All
name. You
okay
right,
in
look,
person.
look, you've
At
least
got to do this
Mar
comes to the
door
y-Angela,
just
okay,
go to
when
the
which
house and you
you know
ever one
ask for
her
she is
her down easy.
, you take
her for a walk, you let
Chandler
and I ask
for Mar
: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door
Ross:
y-Angela?
[Scene: Joey
Where
in Cuba?
on
three times. Joey answers
it.]
the head
's sister's house,
Chandler
three times and
hits himself
Chandler
knocks on the door
what-
are you doing her
wh-wh-
:
wha-wh-w
(shoc
ha-w
ked)
h-wha-
wh-wha-what
Joey,
Joey:
laundr
Waiting for
e?
my Grandma to finish my
Chandler
y. What about you?
Joey:
:
I'm here to see Mar
y-Angela.
in, and
he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to
You are so the man! (motions him to come
be
you
cool, 'cause my Gr
She was like the
sixth person to spit on Mussolini's
two yet,
and you
andma
do not want
doesn't
to
know
tick her
about
off.
hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler
Joey:
:
Where's Mary-
room)
(Chandler walks into the
liv
She's
right in there.
Angela?
(motions
to the living
of Joey's sisters, all wearing r
ing
r
Joey's Sisters:
ed.)
oom, and sees all
[Scene:
there.]
Central Per
Hey, Chandler!
k, Monica, Ross, and Rachel
ar
Rachel:
e
Sunday ni
I can't
believe Mark didn't call. It's
Ross:
ght,
and he didn't call.
Rachel:
Bummer
practically giddy.
(to Ross) Y
.
eah, right. Look at you, you're
Ross:
didn't
No, I'm
things for
you.
work out.
genuinely
Look,
Rac
sorr
h,
y
I want
the Mark
only
thing
good
Monica:
Mark.
say
(they both
Wait a minute, why
don't you just call
got to make stuff happen.
s you have to sit her
look up
e and
wait for hi
in shock) I mean, who
m, you've
Ross:
Monica:
But, you, you don't want
to seem too pushy.
her his home number
(to
Ross) Honey, it's not pushy, he gave
Ross:
he gave you his home number? As in
like, to, to his
(to Rachel, as she gets his
number) What,
.
home?
Rachel:
because you onl
Yeah, and you don't mind
if I call,
Ross:
said. (glances at
Monic
That's right good things, that-that is
w
y want good things for me.
hat I
Rachel:
Gr
(on phone)
a)
(listens)
een. (listens)
left
my
Yeah, I'll
Oh
Hello, Mark? Hi, it's
Rachel
hold.
no, don't you apologize.
niece with her r
number at work,
(to
Monica
but he was
and Ross) He
helping
Ross:
eport on the pioneers.
his
Rachel:
That is so made up!
That, no,
it's perfect. Oh God, thank you soo much.
(on
phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow!
Gr
Monica: Y
eat! Bye! (hangs up phone)
I got the interview!
Ross:
Rachel:
There you go.
ay!
tomorrow to pr
He
even offered to meet me for lunch
Monica:
ep me for it.
Ross:
I'd
expect nothing less.
Yeah well, if I know
Mark, and I think I do,
Oh, that is amazing!
Rachel:
wear
I got to figure out what
I'm going to
Ross:
.
Rachel:
High
collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro.
(starts
to leave)
Yeah! Right! Okay, I'll see you guys
later.
Ross:
to you? Did I hurt you in some
way?
You go get 'em. (to Monic
Woo hoo!
a) What did I do
Monica:
What?
Ross:
ver
'Why don't you
call him?!' W
y'know
y much! Y'know now
he is going
ell,
to
thank you
prep
her,
surgically remove the boyfriend!
prep
her, as in what you do when you
Monica: Are
you crazy?!
like it?
Joey's
Grandmother:
Chandler
favorite?
: So
um, Mar
Of c
y-Angela,
ourse! It's her
favorite.
what's your second
Joey's
Grandmother:
Chandler
More of
Grandma's teramisu.
'cause this is great. It's
top notc
: Would you just please....give me the
receipt
Joey's Grandmother:
h.
Chandler
Joey's Sister:
: So will I.
That dies with me.
Chandler
mean
anything.
: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting.
That doesn't
Excuse yourself, and go to the
bathroom.
Joey's Sister:
Chandler
(whispering in his ear) Just do it.
the hall)
: Will you excuse me I have to um..... (walks
to
[Cut to the hall, Joey's sister runs up and
gr
butt.]
Chandler
abs
Chandler's
Joey's Sister:
: (startled)
Hey
I just tell you something, I have not
stopped thinking about
Finally, I thought
we'd never
!
be alone. Can
you since
the party. (
Chandler
tries
: Look, I
may have
kisses him)
jumped
the
gun here. (she
just
commitment kind of
plac
got
to kiss
out
him,
of a
but
relationship
he ducks
and I'm
it and moves away
not really in a,
)
Um, I
in a
Joey's Sister
you do have
the softest lips.
: So! Me neither! God,
Mar
e.
y-Angela was right
Chandler
Joey's Sister:
: Ahhhh, you're
not Mar
Chandler
No, I'm Mary-
y-Angela.
then-then who is?
: This is so bad.
Theresa.
If-if you're not Mary-Angela,
Mary-Angela:
Chandler
Mar
: Oh,
this is soo bad. (doesn't see Mar
(standing
behind Chandler) I am!
y-Angela)
Chandler
y-Angela: Joey
Joey:
: No
Joey
!!!
! No Joey! Don't Joey! Joey!
Chandler
What's goin' on?
and hide!
: (pats him on
the shoulder) You're
it! Now run
Mary-Theresa:
me bec
It's
no big deal. Chandler w
Joey:
she was
Mar
What?! How coul
ause he thought I was
Mary-Angela.
as just kissin'
Chandler
y-Angela?
d you do that, how
could you think
of
drunk, and you all look
really
Joey's sisters
: I wasn't sure which
one Mar
gasp) Look, I'm sorry okay, I was
y-Angela was. (all
really
Joey's
Sister:
similar.
All:
Chandler
Yeah! Punch hi
I say, punch him Joey.
m!!
your brother
: Y'know what, we should all
c
Joey:
's not going to punch me. (to
Joey
alm dow
)
n because
thought
you'd be on the receiv
Well, that is usually
what I would do. But I just never
Are ya?
do this?!
ing end of it. How could you
Chandler
deser
: Joey if you wanna
punch me, go ahead, I
soberly
ve it. But I
just want you to know that I would never
would
never do anything like this ever
hurt you or
your family, you're my
Cookie:
again.
best friend. I
All:
Joey:
Yeah!
Punch hi
So what. I say, punch him.
m!
Punch him!
Cookie:
No! No! No! No, I'm not
going to punch Chandler.
Joey:
I'll do it.
and I believe hi
No you won't. Look he
knows he did a terrible thing
one
m, he's
sorry. But, (to Chandler) you've got
apologize
to Mar
more apology to make, all right, you've
got to
Chandler
y-Angela.
Joey:
Chandler
All right.
: Okay,
absolutely!
but he still doesn't know which
one is Mar
: You've got it. (he starts to look
at his sister's,
Joey:
y-Angela.)
Chandler
Cookie, now you c
[Scene:
inter
A
: What?! (
an
punch him!
lobby, Ross
Cookie punches
him)
is waiting for Rachel,
after her
Rachel:
view.]
Ross:
(getting of the
elevator
and noticing Ross)
Hey!
Rachel:
Hi!
Ross:
What
are you doing her
(giv
Ah y'know, this
building is on my paper route so I...
e?
Rachel: Oh.
es her a flower)
Ross:
Rachel: Hi.
Hi. (kisses her)
Ross:
Rachel:
How'd did it
go?
tough,
Oh well, the woman I inter
viewed with was pretty
once I started
talking about the fall line, she got all happy
but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because
and wouldn't shut up.
Ross:
Rachel:
I'm so pr
Ross:
Me too!
oud of you.
jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot,
so...
Listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so
crazy and
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel: Yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
Mark: Rachel?
17
of 41 Pages
(We
ceiling, and hi
hear
the
Ross:
m moani
sound of a bed
creaking through the
really likes it?
Maybe he's just jumping on
ng.)
a pogo-
stick and
(We hear a women start moaning.)
Ross:
Joey:
Maybe the pogo-stick likes
it too?
(gets up) This guy is going
to get the butt kic
All right, that's it! He
cannot do this to Phoebe.
lifetime! (stops and
turns around and asks Rac
king of a
is he a
big guy?
hel) But,
Ross:
(the guys
leave)
Ah, we'll all go. (motions to Chandler)
Come on.
Phoebe:
Chandler
Thanks
you guys! Thank you.
Phoebe:
: Don't
worr
Rachel:
Monica:
Honey, I'm sorr
God, I hope they kic
y.
y.
k his ass!
sound
nods in agr
like
Y'know
he was
if
having mor
it's any
consolation, he really did
(We the guys
knoc
eement)
e fun with you. (Rachel
answering it.)
Guy:
k on the door
upstairs, and the guy
(We
manages
hear
(muffled) May I help you?
the guys start
to attac
k him,
to
disgust.)
what
to
he
calm them
did.
Monica
down
throws
and gets
up
them
but
her hands
to agree
the guy
End
in
312
The One With All The Jealousy
[Scene:
Monica
for her
and Rachel's, Rachel is
getting
Rachel:
first day.]
ready
tow
shoes?
el) Okay. Hey. Umm. Does
(running in from her bedroom, wearing only a
everybody hate these
Chandler
anybody's gonna focus on that as long as your
wearing
: Oh yeah, but don't worry. I don't
think
that towel dress.
Rachel:
Ross:
Your not supposed to start w
(to
Chandler) It's her f
(to Ross) Tell him.
irst day at this new job.
Chandler
what
are you doing Friday?
: All right, I suppose I
ith her!
can wait
a
Ross:
Chandler
Why?
day.
Hey,
for my weird cousin Albert, y'know he's
the botani
: I need you to come to this
bachelor par
Ross:
st.
ty
Chandler
Oh God. Y'know, botanists are
such geeks.
Ross:
Phoebe:
Hmm?
Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)
: Yeah.
Is that a dinosaur tie?
around
(entering, with about 20 purses
purses!
her neck) Morning. Rach, I'm here w
hanging
ith the
Chandler
f
: (to
Phoebe) It must take you forever
Rachel:
ind your keys.
to
thank
you, thank you, Pheebs.
(running
into the living room) Thank
Phoebe:
the
turtles.
Your welcome, oh please
you,
not the one with
Rachel:
that
today.
No, no, no, no turtles sc
Ross:
why
lunch?
don't I
Honey, just relax, it's gonna be f
are me.
I don't need
come down there and I'll
ine.
Hey, umm,.
take you out to
Rachel:
out.
Ross:
Oh honey, thank you,
but Mark's taking me
get the job?
Mark is
that ah, the same Mark that helped you
Rachel:
day'
lunchbox?
sort
Yeah, it's kinda like a 'good luc
of
thing. (to Phoebe) Is this
k on your
f
actually
irst
Phoebe:
a
in it.
Rachel: Oh.
Umm, no, it's
a purse. And there's a thermos
Chandler
F
: (to
Ross) Hey, so
can you make it
Ross:
riday?
on
inv
What?
Oh yeah, yeah I think
so.
Chandler
ited to this again?
Why
am I
ver
actually the
y excited
:
Well apparently Albert has no friends. He's
can see a stripper
onl
about
y
reason
the bachelor
he's getting married
party though. I
is so
think
he
Phoebe:
Why
A stripper at a bachelor
party, that is so clich?
.
Chandler
don't you get a magician?!
with his but c
: Well, if the magician
can open my beer
Opening Cr
heeks, then
all right.
[Scene: Chandler and
edits
entering, Joey is on the phone.]
Joey's,
Ross and Chandler ar
Ross:
with him.
She's having lunch with hi
e
when
And you should of seen the hug she gave
hi
m. She's having lunch
m
really good
looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs
she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's
Season 3
up) What am I gonna do?
Chandler: Don't do anything. Keep it inside.
Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Don't
cry
outloud.
Joey: (hanging up the phone)
Yes! Guess who's in
an audition for a Broadway
musical?
Chandler: I want to say you but,
that seems like
such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of
Tale of Two
Cities
. So I think I'm
gonna sing
New York, New
York
, and ah,
oh
I left My Heart in San Francisco
.
Ross: Ah Joey, I don't think you get to pick
the
cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr.
Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. (to Ross) The what?
dancing part.
Director: Joey, all the
roles got to dance a little. But
believe me
with your dance background it'll be a piece of
cake.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,
Chandler is reading Joey's
resume.]
Chandler: ....three years of modern dance with
Twila
Tharp! Five years with the American
Ballet Theater?!
Joey: Hey, everybody lies on
their resume, okay. I wasn't
one of the Zoom
Kids either.
Phoebe: Well, can you dance at
all?
Joey: Yeah, I can dance, y'know. (starts
to dance really,
really, really badly)
Chandler: Oh no, no, no, no.
Phoebe:
(covering her mouth in shock) What, what is
that?
Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now,
there's no music playing.
(phone rings)
Chandler: All right, I have to get that, but
no-no.
(answering phone) Hello? (listens)
(happily) Hi! Yeah listen,
no you already did
that. All right look, you're going to
have to
go there yourself now, okay, make a few
surprise visits.
Ross: I don't know you
guys.
Chandler: All right fine, don't do
anything, just sit
here and talk to us,
meanwhile she is talking to him
about you. And
he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she
starts
thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because
he understands me.'
Joey: And before you
know it, she's with him. And
you'll be all,
'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us,
we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty
soon you'll
be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and,
and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel
and Mark might
be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get
over
it, it's been four years!!'
Chandler: He
paints quite a picture doesn't he?
[Scene:
Rachel's office.]
Woman: (walking up to Mark)
Here's the Shelly Siegal
stuff from December.
Mark: (turning around) And wait, I've got
something
[Scene: Rachel's
off
Mark:
number
...and the style
ice, Mark is tr
number,
aining Rachel.]
and the invoic
questions so far?
,
and the shipping date. Good. Any
e
Rachel:
Mark:
Yeah. What kind of
discount do we get?
Rachel:
Twenty percent.
Wow
Oh!! I love this
job! (her
Mark:
! My f
Gr
Here,
irst c
phone rings)
let
all.
me.
Ross:
een's line, how may I
help you?
(answers phone) Rachel
Mark:
(on phone) Hi, is Rachel ther
Ross:
And w
e?
Mark:
This is Ross?
ho
may I say is c
alling?
Ross:
Ross
of.....
Mark:
Of Ross and Rachel.
Ross:
Oh hi. It's, it's Mark.
Mark:
Oh hey, hey Mark.
Ross:
Hey,
hold on a second.
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
Hi honey
!
your phone?
Hi! What's ah, what's Mar
Rachel:
k doing answering
Ross:
Oh, he's just
goofing around.
why isn't he goof
Ohhhhh
yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah,
Rachel:
ing around in his own office?
we'r
Oh honey, this is his office too. I
told you
Ross:
e Joanna's two assistants.
how
Why does Joanna need tw
Rachel:
lazy is she?
o assistants, how,
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
Oh! O
h my God! What did I just do?
personnel.
Oh honey, I gotta go. (to Mar
I think I just
shipped 3,000 bras to
need you!
Ross:
k) Mark, I
receiver dow
Okay, bye-bye.
(starts slamming the
Rachel:
Ross:
Ow
n in anger.)
just
(hangs
up)
tr
Oh,
ying
oh, I'm, I'm, I'm
! Ross!!
to ah, I'm dialing
sorry
another
sweetie, I was
number.
[Scene: The Moondance
up
with one of the waiters, with her
diner, Monica
is cleaning
him she removes her fake breasts
and hi
back turned to
under her w
des
them
Jeannine:
in
You'd better go for
it.
thirty seconds
(to
ig.]
Monic
so you
a) All
right, I
can be alone w
just got changed
ith him.
Monica:
Jeannine:
Please, I'm not going for anything.
Monica:
Well, if you don't, I will.
Jeannine:
Would you please go?
Julio:
Night Mon. Night Julio.
(Monic
(to Jeannine) Adios.
follows
a starts wiping down
the
stools, as Julio
holders.)
along behind
her replacing the napkin
Monica:
Julio:
Monica:
Ah actually, that is
mine.
Look Julio, someone left their book
here.
Julio:
read it?
Flowers
Oh
yeah, what are you reading?
of Evil, by
Beaudalire. Have
Monica:
you
enjoy
Have I read it? (pause) No, are you
Julio:
ing it?
good.
I thought I
would, but the translation's no
Monica:
away
said that.')
and makes
Your a
poet and don't know it. (she turns
Julio:
a face like 'I can't believe I just
Monica:
Ac
what kind of things do you
write about?
Oh, then you do know it. (pause)
So um
tually I ah, I am a poet.
Julio:
tree, a child laughing, or this
lip. (points to her lip)
Things that move me.
The, the shadow of a
Monica:
here?
Julio:
Mine? (points to her
lower lip) Right
(grabs her lower lip)
I can write an epic poem about this lip.
Monica:
didn't rhyme, but I liked it.
How would
that go? (they kiss) Well, it
[Scene: Joey's audition.]
Joey:
Boyyyyssss,
(singing) You've got to pick
a pocket or two.
pianist's
(picks a
handkerchief from the
tw
Director
o..........
pocket)
you've got to pick a pocket or
Joey:
Director
Really? Thanks.
:
Lovely, just lovely.
you for the
c
: Listen Joey, we
definitely want to
see
Joey:
allback on Saturday.
Director
Exc
your jazz shoes for the
dance audition.
:
ellent, I'll be there.
Okay, and listen don't
forget to
bring
Joey: Ahhh! My ah, my agent said it
wasn't a
I'm,
that.
I'm
for
the extra hundred?
(listens)
in need of a
Let me
stripper
ask you this, what,
what
and I was told that you do
do you do
prov
Monica:
ide the grapes?
(listens) So would I, would I have to
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi!
Monica:
Oh,
how was last night with Julio, senorita?
which makes him even sexier
It was soo
amazing, he is so sexy, and smart,
Last
night, we wer
poem.
e fooling around and he
stops to write a
. Oh gosh, I gotta so you
this.
Joey:
Chandler
Get out! I
c
Chandelier
: Okay,
ouldn't stop if a
meteor hit me.
Joey:
.
we have our
stripper. A miss Crystal
them to grow up to
be?
Well sure, you name a kid that, what do
you expect
Monica:
poem w
Anyway um,
when
he left he forgot to take the
but I
them the poem)
think
ith
hi
it's pretty good
m. Now, I am like
totally dense about poetr
all right. Check it
out. (hands
y,
Joey:
Chandler
(reading) The Empty
what that's pr
:
To yourself.
Vase. Translucent beauty...
Monica:
etty good.
(finishing) Hey-hey-
hey, y'know
Phoebe:
Oh good, I think so
too. Pheebs?
Monica:
Oh yeah.
gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)
Oh, I'm so
glad you guys like it.
Yay
Joey:
! All right I
Monica:
Whoa, I'm not done.
See you guys.
All
right, just give it bac
Chandler
(Monic
: Bye-bye.
k to
me when your done.
Phoebe:
a
leaves)
Chandler
Oh my God, oh my God! Poor
Monica!
Phoebe:
: What, what, what?!
poem.
What?! He was with her when he
wrote this
inside. Now that I've touc
Look,
(reading) 'My vessel so empty with
He thinks
Monic
hed you, you seem emptier still.'
nothing
Chandler
a is empty, she is the
empty vase!
Phoebe:
too.
Oh,
:
You r
totally. Oh, God,
eally think that is
what he meant?
oh, she seemed so
happy
Joey:
[Scene: Rac
Done.
has sent her
hel's off
ice, her
desk is covered with stuff Ross
Mark:
Ralph
Lauren f
(reaching through the flowers)
.]
Rachel:
ile?
Do you have the, the
and it starts to play the theme fr
Oh,
yeah, sure, it's umm... (she picks up this bug
Mark:
om Love Story)
Ross:
Wh-
what's that?
Mark:
It's from Ross,
it's a love bug.
boyfriend.
Wow!
Somebody wants people to know you have a
Rachel:
doing. He's just, he's just really
romantic
O
h no, no-no-no, that's not,
not, not, what he is
Man:
Rachel: Yes.
(to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Gr
.
een?
Man:
One, two, three...
(being joined by
the rest of the
barbershop quartet)
Quar
your brand
new
tet: (singing) Congratulations on your
f
The Bass Bar
Quar
support... you?! Your
one and only boyfriend...
tet: (singing)
ber
job! It won't be long befor
: Omm-
pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.
e your
irst week at
the boss.
And you know who will be
The Bass Bar
there to
Quar
ber:
It's nice to have a boyfriend.
Commercial
Br
tet: Your loyal loving boyfriend Ross.....
Ross!
[Scene: Monic
eak
the living
r
Ross:
oom from her bedroom.]
a and
Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering
I
would send you any of those things out of any
thing other
I'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that
you would think that
than love. Hurt! Hurt!
Rachel:
Ross:
All right Ross!! I get
it!!
Rachel:
I mean my
God...
Ross:
You're hurt!
girlfriend's off
...can't, can't a guy
send a barbershop quartet to his
Rachel:
ice anymorrrrre!!
were mar
Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like
you
have just c
king your territory. I mean
you might have well
Ross:
Rachel:
I
w
ome in and peed all around my desk!
explained it all to me. He said this is w
Look, I know what's
ould never do that!
going on here, okay, Mark
Ross:
hat you
guys do.
[Scene: Central Per
Yeah well
if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot.
Joey:
k, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there.]
Ross:
Mar
Chandler
Why?! How?! How
is he a geni
k's a genius!
Instead
conf
of
:
hitting
Look, don't
us?
on her
you
right
see
away,
what's
he's
happening here.
complain about you.
idant. Now he's gonna
be the guy she
becoming
goes too
her
to
Ross:
Chandler
What
am I going to do?
: Well, why don't you
send her
a musical bug, op,
18 of 41
Pages
for you. (kisses her)
Woman:
Mark:
Mark!!
Woman:
It's okay,
Rac
(Ross appears
Yeah, but even soo.
hel knows.
off
Mark:
ice.)
in
the hallway just
outside of Rachel's
Rachel:
I c
herself a cup of coffee)
an't help it, I'm just, I'm just
cr
Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets
azy about
you.
up to get
(Ross is eavesdropping
in the hallway.)
Mark:
Inappropriate
today, but it's just so tough, I mean see
Okay, okay look, I know I'm
being Mr.
you walking around
hold you, come on no
one's around, just, just kiss me.
and I just
wanna touch you and
(They start to kiss, and
Ross rushes into the off
break it up.)
Ross:
ice to
Mark:
A
Ross:
W
ll right that's, that's it!!
Get off her!
hat is going on?
That's
what's going on!!
What's going on?!
(throw
s the love bug at him)
Rachel:
(Ross f
Ross:
minutes
tr
inally looks at the woman kissing
Mar
(now standing behind Ross) Ross!
I
have been down in your store for
k.)
some
ser
hand on her shoulder and she knocks it
away.)
vice?! (turns to Rachel) Hi
ying to
get a tie! What do I have to do to get
twenty
Rach. (He's puts his
[Scene: Joey's
danc
Director
e audition, Joey is warming
up.]
problem, I just got a call from my
dance c
: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey,
I got a
hav
Island.
ing a
relationship crisis and can't get out
aptain,
he's
of Long
Joey:
Director
So, does that mean the audition is off?
experienc
: Listen Joey, seeing as you've
got the
them the combination.
e, I
want you to take these dancers and show
most
Joey:
Director
What?!
hand,
head, head, (
: Aw c
ome on Joey, it's
easy. Y'know, it's hand,
up, pas de bouree,
pas de bouree, big turn her
very quickly, Joey
watches stunned)
sissone,
e, grand
and jazz hands!
sissone, sissone, slide
back,
Joey:
step, step, step,
Director
It's ah, step-ity, step and jazz
hands.
Joey:
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's,
Monica is ty
Bye. (does the jazz hands)
:
Have fun.
to a vase.]
ing a ribbon
Phoebe:
Monica: Hey.
(entering)
Hey
!
Phoebe:
Monica:
Phoebe:
Oh-ho, look
what I got Julio.
What ar
e you
wrapping?
Monica:
Yeah, it's a vase.
Phoebe:
Yeah, just like the one in
the poem.
Monica:
Well not exactly like
the one in the poem.
Phoebe:
What do
you mean?
dense about poetr
Remember how
you
said you
[Scene: The
Moondance Diner
y? Oh. (hugs her)
were
really
Monica:
.]
Julio:
(to
Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?
Monica:
What?
books
seem
as
you
Y'know,
do,
so I don't
and
read as many important
something
else. And y'know
to be about one
I don't
write trick
thing but are actually
poems
about
that
stupid stuff, like
w
Saturday,
but
and the new
hen I my
what, I get excited about
Hold
People
Everything
magazine c
catalog.
omes on
Y'know
things. I
c
that does not mean that I'm empty, I care
about
right to make that kind of judgment
about me.
are about my friends and family. You
have no
Julio:
Monica:
Whoa, whoa,
whoa.
Julio:
Monica:
Whoa, w
You don't even know me...
hoa, whoa, the
poem is not about you.
Julio:
What?
make me so sad that you would think this.
The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby, you
Monica:
Julio:
women. Y
No,
I'm
sorr
it's about
y, my friend Phoebe...
all women. Well,
all American
Monica:
ou feel better now?
[Scene:
Joey's audition, the dir
(sarcastically) Oh
yeah.
wants to see the combination.]
ector has returned and
Director
(The group does the same horrible dance that
Joey did
: All right, let's do it!
earlier
they do the jazz hands at the end.)
in the show, except they're all out of sync
and
Director
Joey:
: No, no, no. What
was that?
Director
I know, it
was the best I could get out of them.
Joey:
: Well, people!
Director
People, people, people.
ever
:
done. (to the pianist) Count
it off.
ybody
Let's
watch
try
Joey.
it again,
(to Joey
and
)
this
Show
time let's watch
'em how it's
Season 3
(The pianist starts to
play, and Joey readies himself,
and then runs
out of the audition.)
[Scene: Central Perk,
Chandler and Rachel are
there.]
Rachel:
So ah, did you have fun at the bachelor
party
last night?
Chandler: Oh yeah, yeah! Look
what I got, look
what I got. (holds up a pen)
See, she's fully
dressed, right?
Rachel:
Right.
Chandler: And then you click it and,
uh-oh, she's
naked. And then, and then you
click it again and
she's dressed. She's a
business woman, she's
walking down the street,
she's window shopping,
and (clicks pen) whoa-
whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked!
(Rachel just stares
at him.)
Ross: (entering) Hi.
Rachel:
Hello.
Chandler: Y'know what, I'm, I'm gonna
spend
some alone time with the pen.
Ross:
(sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an
idiot.
Rachel: A big idiot.
Ross: A
big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this
whole Mark thing is kinda hard for me.
out here, 'cause I only have three.
Richard: (standing behind her, without his
moustache) I
can help with that.
Monica:
Oh my God. Richard? (turns around) Hi!
Richard: Hi!
Monica: Wow! Your lip went
bald. (Richard pays the clerk)
Hey, thanks.
Richard: So, you look great.
Monica:
Right.
Richard: No you do. You... just...
Monica: What?
Richard: You've got panties
stuck to your leg.
Monica: (removes them)
That's because I-I was just
grabbing some
things out of the dryer, and it's static cling.
Or maybe it's just that God knew I'd be
running into you
and saw an opportunity.
Richard: It's good to see you.
Monica:
It's good to see you too.
(They hug, and
Richard notices a stocking stuck to
Monica's
back, which he removes for her.)
Opening
Credits
[Scene: continued from earlier.]
Monica: You see that guy? He's in classics
now, but
y'know as soon as we leave he's going
straight to the porn.
Richard: He's gonna go
up to the counter with
Citizen
Rachel: But
ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?
Joey: Well, safer. Y'know, I mean I never
start reading
The Shining
, without making
sure we've got plenty of
room in the freezer,
y'know.
Rachel: How often do you read it?
Joey: Haven't you ever read the same book over
and
over again?
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess
I read
Little Women
more
than once.
But I mean that's a classic, what's so great
about
The Shining
?
Joey: The
question should be Rach, what is not so
great
about
The Shining
. Okay? And the answer
would
be: nothing. All right? This is like the
scariest book ever.
I bet it's way better than
that classic of yours.
Rachel: Okay. Ah, well
we'll just see about that, okay.
I will read
The Shining
, (she tries to take the book
away from him but he doesn't want to let it
go) and
you will read
Little Women
.
Joey: All right, you got it.
Rachel: All
right.
Joey: Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey:
Ah, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: How little are they? I
mean, are they like scary
(Gunther is
eavesdropping in the bac
Rachel:
kground.)
together for almost a year now
Honey, why
is it hard, I mean we've been
Ross:
?
and I lost her
Well, I was w
you even
more. So, it's hard for me to believe that
.
And now if it's possible I think I love
ith
Carol for like eight years
I'm not gonna, well
that someone else is not going
to take you
away.
Gunther
Rachel:
me though,
that if two people love each other and
Honey,
that's ver
: Let it be me! Let it be me!
y
sweet, it just seems to
trust
be
jealous. (she kisses hi
each other, like we do,
there's no reason to
Ross:
m)
Chandler
I gotta get going. Bye
Chandler
getting boring, so can you pic
:
Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this pen is kinda
.
Rachel:
k me up some porn?
Ross:
Where ya going?
play date this afternoon.
Oh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a
Rachel:
Ross:
Ohh, with who?
the party.
Oh, just this w
Rachel:
oman that I met last night at
The
stripper?!
There was a woman at the...
(realizes)
Ross:
Rachel:
Yeah.
Chandler
You have a play date with a
stripper?!
pen and starts laughing)
:
Man, I gotta get a kid. (looks at the
Ross:
after
she's
she y'know,
Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we
did
started
talking
them to a gym-boree class. Why, is
that okay?
got a boy about Ben's age,
her
thing. And
so we'r
it turns out
e
taking
Rachel:
Ross:
Sure, is she
married?
Rachel:
Ahh, no.
packet r
Ross:
eally hard.)
Oh.
(starts shaking the sugar down in a
Rachel:
Are you jealous?
play
any
with you, that's all. I mean
doesn't she have
Noo, I y'know I don't see
w
hy she has to
ow
y'know other
stripper moms friends of her
Ross:
n?
Rachel:
You ar
umm, people feeling
I'm
e totally jealous.
not jealous.
strippers. And y'know, and um, I...
certain
All
things y'know
right
this is about,
Ross:
about
Rachel:
Honey, I love you too.
Ross:
U
(She
kiss.)
runs
What?
gh. Wait, wait, wait.
over and
gives him a very passionate
Ross:
Rachel:
Huh.
won't
forget for a couple of hours, y'know.
(to
Chandler) Well, there's a kiss that he
Chandler
him on and sent hi
: Yeah.
Either that, or you just
turned
Closing Credits
m off to a stripper.
[Scene: The Moondance
Diner
Man:
Julio:
(entering) Is there a
Julio here?
.]
(The
him.)
rest
(to hi
of barbershop
m) I am
Julio.
quartet
enters, and joins
Man:
up
f
in
(singing) Mister
Pr
the background) you
etensous,
(Monica stands
you wor
iner, well but your
poems ar
think
e unpublished,
there's
no one
and
Quar
your headdddd. You are
just a buttmunch.
tet:
k in a diner
Your no God's gift to w
.
omen, that's all
in
Bass Singer
Quar
(Monic
tet: And
your also bad in bedd-
: No one likes a
buttmunch.
End
a waves at Julio.)
edd-edd!.
313
Friends
The One Where Monica and Richard Are
[Scene:
return a v
A Video Store,
Monica is running
Monica:
ideo.]
in to
(The clerk enters the video into the
computer
(to clerk) Hi.
Clerk:
.)
Monica:
Six dollars, please.
Clerk:
Six? I just had it for one night.
It's three.
watch) aww, it's 8:02.
Eight
o'clock is the cut-off and, (looks at his
Monica:
much power
Y'know
. Look,
you'r
in a weird
e gonna have to help me
way, you have too
Kane
is nice.
,
Vertigo
, and Clockwork Orgy. (they both
laugh) This
Monica: Yeah.
Richard:
Monica:
I missed this.
Richard:
Me too.
Monica:
So, you
wanna get a hamburger or something?
Richard:
Oh, um, I don't know if that's a
good idea.
promise.
Oh. Look, just
friends, I won't grope you. I
Monica:
Richard:
No, I just I think
that it's too soon.
[Scene:
Rachel are
eating br
Monic
No it's not too soon, I had
lunch at a eleven.
a and Rachel's, Chandler,
Ross. Joey, and
Hersey's
Syrup
Chandler
.]
eakfast. Chandler is
holding a bottle of
Ross:
Chandler
What
ar
: Yeah, baby
e you doing?
!
Ross:
Rachel:
No thanks. I'm 29.
:
Making chocolate milk. Do you want some?
work!
(looking at her watch) Oh my God, I
gotta go to
Ross:
off tonight?
Oh
sweetie, when do you think you're going to get
Rachel:
Ross:
Oh I don't know
honey. It's gonna be really late.
Rachel:
Oh come on, not again.
all right? Okay?
I
know. I'm sorr
Ross:
y. Look, I'll make
a deal with you
Rachel:
Hmm.
home from
wor
For every night that you're asleep before
I get
Ross:
Rachel:
Yeah.
k...
popular
I will wake you up in a way that's
proved very
Ross:
supportive of that.
in the past.
Now, if you need to stay
late, I want to be
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Right.
All:
(entering, holding a pair of
Roller Blades) Hi.
Joey:
Hey.
blade?
(to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when
do you roller
Phoebe:
the par
and
so y
k and he like y
Oh! Since tomorrow. I
met this r
me all sorts of jock stuff
'know
we made
'know, jogs, and blades, and swims,
eally cute guy in
a deal that's he's
Ross:
.
going to teach
Phoebe:
And what are you going to do for him?
Ross:
I'm going to let him.
Joey:
Okay.
Monica:
Cool.
All:
Rachel:
Hey.
(entering from
her bedroom) Morning.
Monica:
Somebody got
in late last night.
(They all gasp)
Yeah
well, I ran into Richard.
Rachel:
Monica:
When did this
happen?
while, and then um, we went out
for an innocent burger
Oh, um, around 8:02.
We ah, talked for a little
Phoebe:
Ross:
Oh, there's no such thing
as an innocent burger
.
.
Monica:
So, are you gonna see him again?
Rachel:
Tomorrow night.
Chandler
Monica, what are
you doing?
him,
him.
and now she's
celebrating that by going on a date
: Well,
she spent the last six months getting over
with
Monica:
how
It's not a date, okay.
I'm just gonna teac
Joey:
to make lasagne
for
h him
you'll probably be hungr
Well, you might wanna make
some pot luck
dinner
a
he has.
Monica:
changed
her
We're not gonna
y after the sex.
little extra, y'know
have sex! Okay,
nothing's
so that's why we're just gonna be
friends.
e. He still doesn't want children and
I still do,
Ross:
[Scene: Chandler and
Joey's, Joey is watching TV.]
Naked friends.
Rachel:
Joey:
(entering) Hey.
Rachel:
Hey.
Joey:
we'r
Chec
Do you have any ice?
k the freezer.
If there's none in
late.
e probably out.
Are you just getting in from wor
there,
k?
It's
then
Rachel:
to
told my boss I
liked this line of lingerie, she order
sit in
Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day though,
I got
on the meeting with the reps from
Calvin Klien
of it. How was your day?
ed a ton
. I
Joey:
just my tongue.
I discovered I'm able to count all of my
teeth using
Rachel:
have a copy of
Hmm. (she opens the freezer) Umm, why do you
Joey: Oh, I was reading it last night, and I
got sc
The Shining
in your freezer?
ared, so.
19 of 41 Pages
little?
[Scene:
Phoebe is entering
with her date Robert.]
Central Perk, Chandler
and Ross are there,
Phoebe:
Chandler
Um, Chandler
Robert: Hi.
: Oh, hey.
, Ross, this is Robert.
Ross:
Phoebe:
Hey.
(points
(to
Robert) You've have lipstick right her
kissed.
to her cheek) . That's okay, it's mine, we
just
e
Ross:
Chandler
Oh.
shorts?
: (to Robert) So ah, isn't a bit
cold out for
Rober
Chandler
t:
Well, I'm from California.
into flames.
:
Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst
(Robert leans bac
Chandler
Chandler is
horrif
to see up
k on the arm of the chair
and allows
his shorts and sees 'little
Robert.'
Chandler
ied by this view.)
now
Phoebe:
! Anybody ah, want anything?
: (standing up) I'm up! I'm up, I've gotten up
Rober
Ross:
t: Yeah, me too.
I'll
have coffee.
Chandler
Yeah, make that
three.
Ross:
: Okay Ross, why don't you
come with me?
What ah, w
Okay. (goes over
to the counter) (to C
on?
hat is the matter
with you? What's
handler)
going
Chandler
Ross:
: Robert's coming out.
Chandler
What, what do you mean, what? Is
he gay
Ross:
: No. He.....he's coming out of
his shorts.
?
Chandler
What?!
Ross:
(walks over behind the couc
Are
you
: The man is show
sure? (Chandler
ing brain.
nods: Yes!) Hold on.
was a
c
h) I'm sorry you guys, that
Rober
Ross:
t:
offee and a....
Coffee.
Rober
Okay.
Ross:
necessar
t:
No,
We
could write it down for you?
seeing Robert's
package.)
y (leans
no, that
down and
won't
looks
be ah,
up Robert's
that won't
shorts,
be
Chandler
Ross:
: (to Ross) W
Chandler
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
ellll?
Ross:
it.
Well, I suppose we just
tr
: What do we do? What do we do?
y to not
look directly at
Chandler
(Ross nods his
head.)
: Like an eclipse.
[Scene:
Richard how to make lasagne.]
Monica and
Rachel's, Monica is teaching
Richard:
cooking should I, w
So when
people complement
me on my
Monica:
buy
You say 'Thank you
ver
hat do I say?
y much,' and then you
are hands in this bow
me something pretty.
Come on, we're gonna put
the tomatoes.
l,
and we're gonna start squishing
(They both
start squishing the tomatoes.)
Richard:
Monica:
this feels weird.
Ew, this feels ver
You touch people's
eyeballs
y weird.
every day and
Richard:
years
hand in the tomatoes.)
That's my hand.
learning
Yeah, well,
not to squish
sure I touch
them.
them,
(Monic
but
a gr
I
abs
spent
his
Monica: Oops.
Richard:
Monica:
Okay.
Richard:
Gotta keep squishing.
Monica: Okay.
Tomatoes are squishing.
(Richard
his
shirt.)
squishes a little too hard and some
lands on
Richard:
Monica:
Op.
Richard:
Monica:
Y
Oh, gosh, you
got some on your
eah.
shirt.
on it
(does so) and it should umm, be.....
Hold on
a second, just put a little
(She
club
soda
silence, a long pause follows.)
is
rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into
Richard:
Monica:
What?
Richard:
Umm, you've got some on your
pants.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler
I'll just throw them out.
Little Women
is
watching Joey
Joey:
Chandler
These
little women. Wow
, Ross is also there.]
read
Joey: Oh yeah!
: Your liking it,
huh?
!
Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I
don't see how he could ever
forgive her
Ross:
.
Joey:
his
But Jo's
Umm, Jo's a girl, it's short for
Josephine.
got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods
'C
Shining
ause
head) Oh.
that
is
You mean
the one
it's like a girl-
girl thing?
Chandler
.
thing missing
from
The
Joey:
: No, actually Laurie's
a boy.
times.
No wonder Rachel had to
read this so many
(Enter Phoebe and Robert)
Phoebe: Hey
Chandler: Hey.
!
Ross:
Phoebe:
Hey
lay
Oh,
!
How
okay,
'd the ah, basketball go?
I
learned how to shoot a
Chandler
-up, a foul
shot, and a twenty-three pointer.
Phoebe:
:
You mean a three pointer?
Rober
my
messages?
t: So um, is there a phone her
Oh, I get more because I'm dainty.
e, I can
check
Phoebe:
Rober
sock.
t:
Oh, no thanks. I always carr
Yeah, in the
back. You want a quarter?
y one in my
(He
puts his leg up on the couch to get the
quarter
once again exposing himself to
Chandler
,
In horror
and Ross.
Joey
on the couch.)
, Chandler, slides over and
leans against
Joey:
(he pushes
Chandler bac
(noticing Chandler) What are you
doing?
Get bac
all
k over on your side
of the... (sees Robert in
k to his side of the
couch)
haven't met.
his glory)
Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I'm Joey, we
Rober
(Robert walks away and the guys all
start laughing
t: Ah, good to meet you.
Robert.
in front of Phoebe.)
Phoebe:
You
(the guys keep laughing.) Why
ar
guys, what
What? (the guys keep
laughing.) What?
is going on? You
Ross:
e you laughi
not like
Robert?
ng?!
(The guys start laughing
harder
Calm down. There's no reason to get
testy.
Phoebe:
.)
Chandler
Y
Robert isn't as c
:
ou guys!! C
I'm
sorry, I'm sorr
ome on!
y, it just seems
that
one may have hoped.
oncealed in the
shorts area, as ah,
Phoebe:
Rober
What
do you mean?
Phoebe: Hey.
t: Hey. (sits
down)
Joey:
those c
Hey Robert, could
you ah, ha, pass
Robert: Sur
ookies?
me
(He
e.
cookies,
puts his leg
laughing at, and gasps.)
and Phoebe
up
on the
sees
table
what
to
the
pass
guys
Joey the
are
[Scene:
Richard on the phone.]
Monica
and Rachel's, Monica
is talking to
Monica:
Really
So, how'd the lasagne go
over? (listens)
(listens)
?! Good. So
you owe me thr
too.
thing. (listens)
It's a word!
(listens) I
Yeah, I've
ee
pretty things.
know.
been
It's
thinking
hard this whole
a lot about
you
platonic
(There's a
knoc
Monica:
(listens)
answer
Y
Y
k on the door.)
eah,
eah,
we're
I do think
being
it's
smart.
better
(gets
this way.
opens the door and it's Richard)
the door)
(listens) Yes, I'm sure.
up
(she
to
Richard:
Monica:
You really sure?
Commercial Br
I'll call you back. (starts
kissing hi
m)
[Scene:
Richard.]
Monic
eak
a's bedroom,
she's in bed with
Monica:
Richard:
So we c
we do, like r
Absolutely,
an be
friends who sleep together
this will just be
something
.
Monica:
acquetball.
just out of curiosity, um, do you currently
have any
Sounds smart and healthy to me. So
um,
other r
Richard:
acquetball buddies?
actually rac
Just your dad. (pause)
Although
date with my sister's neighbour next
Tuesday.
quetball. You know I-I do have a
blind
that's
Monica: Oh.
Richard:
Monica:
Richard:
No!
(pushes hi
You want me to canc
m) No!
el it?
Monica:
Okay.
cancelling it for me, and we're just friends.
'Cause if you do that means you'd be
Richard:
[Scene: Centr
Exactly. (pushes
her back)
for a date.]
al Perk, Robert is
picking up Phoebe
Robert: Hey.
Phoebe:
Rober
Hey. Ooh! Don't sit down!
Phoebe:
t: You ready to go to the batting
cage?
Rober
Y
Chandler
t: Oh!
Wow
eah. And, f
greatest things in the
w
: Stretchy
! Hey
irst here's a gift.
pants!
!
wear
orld! If I
wer
Why, those
e you I w
are the
Rober
them every day, every day!
ould
um,
they're so tight, I feel like I'm on
display. I'm sorr
to
t:
be
Jeez,
thank you really that is so nice. But
honest,
I don't think I can wear these,
Phoebe:
(they
That's all right,
y.
Rober
start to leave as Joey
enters.)
that's well, I
figured....
Joey:
t: (to Joey) Hey!
Ross:
Hey!
(starts to laugh.) How's it going?
Joey:
Rachel:
Hey, Rach, how you doing
w
Good.
ith
The Shining
?
Joey:
Oh, Danny just went into room 217.
dead lady in the bathtub...
Oooh, the
next part's the best, when that
Rachel:
you'r
Oh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah,
come on
Joey:
e gonna ruin it!
Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two
All right I'll talk in code. (to Ross and
Season 3
blanks in the
hallway?
Chandler
Richard:
Joey:
told
you about, she c
Oh, (laughs) that was the
blind date that I
blank. Oh
Oh,
:
Hmmm, that's ver
all blank, and
y
cool.
Monica:
them all with
no-no-no,
her?
away. Aww
that blank,
no,
no
blank, make's blank a blank
but
the end
when
then at last
Jac
sec
k
ond
almost kills
they get totally f
And
(still
I'm just
hiding
alled and
switched it to today.
asking
under the
as a
blankets)
friend, bec
Did you
ause I
like
Rachel:
!
Richard:
ine w
Chandler
JoeyMonica:
Well, you seem f
ith this.
am
ine.
Rachel:
:
! I can't believe you just did
that!
I'm not. I mean how can I be f
(gets
up) Okay, y'know what, I'm not fine,
no, even
All right, okay, L
I can't believe she
cracked your code!
with
ends up marring
Am
though she's still
aurie proposes to Jo,
and she says
in love with Y'know what,
w
her, she wants
ine, hearing you come in
Joey:
people?
hat if we're friends who
don't see other
to see your bedroom.... (pause)
explodes and destroys the hotel, and
kills the dad.
Hey! Mine was
y.
him,
and then he
by accident! All right, the boiler
Richard:
Rachel:
Monica:
(Joey recoils
and gasps in horror
Eh. Beth dies. amazing
week. Would it be so terrible?
Y
Why
ou mean like exclusive friends?
not?! I
mean this has been the most
Joey:
.)
friends who lived together
Rachel:
Beth,
Beth dies? who stood up in front of their
. Or,
maybe someday friends
Even if we were
Joey:
to be friends forever
other
friends, and vowed
Chandler
Is that true?
If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Um-hmm.
Richard:
Rachel?
: No, Beth doesn't
die, she doesn't die. Does she Honey,
Rachel:
changed.
I
w
Wow.
ould
Y'know
.
love to
we're
do all
back
that,
wher
but
e we
nothing's
were.
Ross:
What?! Monica:
ever loved that didn't star Jack
Nicholson?
Joey's asking if you've just
ruined the first book he's Richard:
That's not
true, you don't have a moustache.
Rachel:
want
Joey:
end.
differ
Okay, okay, one thing's changed.
But we still
ent things and we know how this
is gonna
Rachel:
Then why would you say
that?!
No. She doesn't die.
Monica:
Rober
right now, 'cause getting
over you is the hardest thing
Y'know what,
I've got to walk out of here
keys.
t:
Because, I wanted to hurt you.
(running in)
Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my that
(He
again.
I have ever had to do. I don't
think I could do it
who then gets a free peep
show.)
bends over to pick them up, right in
front of Rachel, Richard:
Rachel:
(Monic
Rober
Monica:
a kisses hi
I
know I couldn't. So....
m.)
[Scene:
Monic
t:
(gasps) Oh my....
Got 'em.
(They
as Monica enters.]
a and Rachel's,
Rachel is reading
The Shining
, over to the
bed and starts to lie dow
both
How
kiss,
'bout one last game of
racquetball?
and Richard picks her up and goes
Monica: Hi.
Monica:
n.)
Rachel:
Richard:
Watch the thorns!
herself) Sorr
(screams and Closing Credits
(lying down) Ow!!
Monica:
y. I'm
sorr
grabs a potato masher to defend
[Scene:
shifts, and then to top it off
You would not believe my day
y.
ver
(opens
Rachel: What?
y
dejected.]
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is
entering, and he's
breast.) in a grill
f
her coat revealing a
, I lost one of my
fake boobs,
! I had to work two
large burn
mark Joey:
(Rachel starts laughing.)
ire.
over her left
Rachel:
Beth is
really, really sic
Monica:
Joey:
Awwww.
k.
Rachel:
What are you smiling
at? could do.
Jo's there, but I don't think
there's anything she
pick up.
I'm
sorry, I was just thinking you're day could still
(Rachel hugs hi
Monica:
Rachel: Joey?
m)
(She goes
Yeah, right. Joey:
covered
the room in r
into her bedroom, and sees
Richard who Rachel:
Yeah.
a rose
between his lips.)
oses and has two glasses of
wine and
has
Joey:
Richard:
Rachel: Okay.
(nodding his head) Okay.
Do you want to put the book in the freezer?
Monica:
Hello. (Joey
[Scene:
I
love this friend thing!
freezer
there.]
Central Perk, Phoebe,
ChandlerEnd
.)
hands
her the book
and she puts it in the
Phoebe:
, and
Ross are
will one of you just tell him?
Listen, Robert's gonna be here any second so,
Ross:
314
Phoebe:
Oh.
The One
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
like 'Is it on the
lose?' 'Is it watc
Please, right now, no,
every time I see him [Scene:
Chandler
watching a new singer
Central
Perk, the gang, exc
barely know and talk about
his.... stuff.
: We can't tell him, you
c
hing me?'
it's
an't go up to a guy
you Singer
.]
ept Rachel, is
Ross:
can't help but fall fr
: (singing)
'Cause ever
complementar
He's right, even
Joey:
om grace. I know.....
y time I see
your face, I
said.)
y. (He stops and
if
thinks
it's to
about what
say something
he just Phoebe:
Wow!
This girl is good.
Rober
I never thought
of that before.
Oh-ho yeah! A song with
rhyming words. Oo,
Phoebe: Hey.
t:
(entering) Hey!
Chandler
Rober
Phoebe:
got this new
roc
t: (to Phoebe) So are ready for the gym?
They've and play guitar and do both at the same
time?
:
(to
I like
her
Chandler)
.
Why? Because she can
sing
Phoebe:
k climbing wall, we can spot
each other. Chandler
Robert: What?
No, I
can spot you from here. from these people.
:
Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for
Phoebe:
Monica:
Ross:
Okay, listen
Robert...
Ross:
Chandler
(to
Chandler) Hey, don't we have to... completely
Yeah
(to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
Phoebe:
:(shakes
different
Pheebs,
come on, you two have
Rober
you'r
his
shoulders,
styles.
like he's
Y'know,
dancing) y'know,
she's more..
and
happening
t: Oh God! Here we
Umm, I
think you're really, really great...
Yeah, we
got, um-hmm.
Singer
e more (sees the look
from Phoebe and stops)
putting out there? Is
this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
to me?
(spreads
go again.
his legs)
Why
Is it
does
something I'm
this keep
applauds her) .
: (singing) beside meeeee-
eeee-ee. (everyone
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Gunther
I-done.
Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's
this is a family plac
: (cleaning
I-I-
I-I don't know, I don't know
up the table) (to
Robert) Hey
what to say.
buddy,
Singer
(Robert looks down and realises the
problem.)
e, put the mouse back in the house.
What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were
Singing
: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe
Buffay,
[Scene:
Partners, And I
Shoul
pedals
Richard's
(The gang
all looks at Phoebe.)
dn't Have Left You That
Way.
apartment,
and Phoebe:
pedals on
the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose
and Monic
candles.
bedroom, Monica
W
a
e
frantically
hear Richard
has covered it in rose
throws
come
the rest
in to
of
the
the
meaning' songs.
Oh no, one of those
'look for the hidden
in her mouth, and
bites a thorn.]
Opening Cr
Monica:
Ow
[Scene: Central Per
edits
Richard:
! Singer
k, later.]
ever
Phoebe:
: Hey Phoebe.
ceilings.
yone
(outside the bedroom)
Really
else's apartment. It's got
?!
W
rooms,
ell, it's just like
walls, and
Leslie:
Richard's
big f
I r
Hey
Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
an into
Vlad at the place where they sell the
liv
Date: Well, I just wanted to see where
you Chandler
ish, and he said you played here a
lot, so umm....
Monica:
ed. Now, give me
the tour. bathroom, but if the plac
: (to Ross)
All right listen, I have to go to the
clean up
the bedroom as Richar
Oh my God! Oh my God!
(She frantically tries to again. I'd
Richard:
d starts the tour.) just one big
f
like know whether
e w
Richard's Date:
Impressive.
Ah well, this is the living room.
Joey:
ish.
ith the big
f
that's several
ish comes up
big fish
or
Richard:
jingles.
(to Leslie) So
ah, Phoebe tells us you write
Richard's
All right. This is the kitchen. Phoebe:
don't I
get to see the bedroom?
Date: Oh, that's real
pretty. Wait a minute, jingles.
Actually I
said she abandoned me to write
Richard:
Joey:
(opens
Leslie:
(to Leslie) Ah, any
quickly closes the door
before his date can see the room.)
the
The
bedroom. W
door as Monica
ell it's
pr
hides
etty much your
under the
covers,
typical...
and away..
Ah,
yeah, umm.
thing we might of heard of?
(singing) Home is never far
bedroom.
Monica, Ross, and Joey:
Richard's Date:
Star
stew.
(joining in) Home is Home
Richard:
We're still on this side of the
door. Leslie:
Richard's Date:
Um-hmm. sick
of
Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got
kinda
Richard:
good, so they f
it, and
then I couldn't come up with
a lovely evening.
(shows her out)
Oh shoot! May
Yeah, but I
didn't get to see it.
be next time. (yawns)
Thanks for Phoebe:
ired me.
anything
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monic
Leslie:
Hmm, bummer.
covers.
Richar
thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe
you'd want to
Well, I y'know, I was just,
umm, I was just
Monica:
d enters and sits
down next to her
a still hiding under the
.] get back together?
she?
(still
hiding under the blankets) So um, who was
Phoebe:
Leslie: Aw
No. But thanks.
come on Phoebe would you just think
20 of
41 Pages
Season 3
about it?
Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks.
Leslie:
Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves)
Joey: (to
Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
Phoebe:
Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of
you,
all right. Once you, once you betray me, I
become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold,
hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can
penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I
have
a tissue, please?
Monica: Yeah, sure.
[Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is
pacing
back and fourth, waiting is use it.]
Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there?
Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare
devil
game that I play called 'wait until the
last moment
before I burst and die.'
(The
door opens.)
Chandler: Jeez, man did you
fall.. (sees it's a
beautiful woman coming out
of the men's room) Hi!
Monica: No, it was
Ginger. I remember, because when he
told me, I
said, (singing) 'the movie star.'
Joey: Aww,
man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When
she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna
tell him what
I did.
Monica: Well, what
did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I
can't, I can't tell you that,
it's like the
most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my
whole life.
Monica: Y'know what, don't
tell us. We'll just wait until
Chandler gets
home, (to Phoebe) because it'll be more fun
that way.
Joey: All right!! Okay, it was
like four years ago. Okay,
Ginger and I had
gone out a few times, and then this one
weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just
me, her, and
her annoying little dog Pepper.
Well that night, I cooked
this really romantic
dinner....
Monica: You gave her food
poisoning!?
Joey: I wish. No. After dinner,
me, her, and Pepper all fell
asleep in front
of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of
[Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening
closely, Ross is
bored out of his mind.]
Lecturer: We're beginning to see a lot of
layering of
sheer fabrics and colours. For
instance a sheer navy
blouse over a pink....
Ross: (to Rachel) I'm really glad we came.
(Rachel
smiles and rubs his arm) You're so
pretty. I love you.
Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand
over his mouth)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe
is teaching Leslie how to
sing Smelly Cat.]
Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what
are
they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat,
it's not your
fault.
Leslie: Wow, that's
great.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Leslie: Y'know
you could totally sell this. It'd be
perfect
for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
Phoebe:
I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
Leslie:
What? Why not? You could make a ton of
money.
So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall
high?
Woman:
couldn't wait. I left the lid
up for ya though.
Someone was in the lady's
room, I
(Gunther walks up)
Chandler
ah, go ahead, I'm-
: (to
Gunther) Y'know what Gunther
her
I'm
talking to ah, (tries to
, go
wher
to
say her name) . (to her) This is the part
get
Woman:
e you say your name.
Chandler
Ginger
Ginger
: Ginger
.
. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
Chandler
: Don't you have to use the
bathroom?
to y
:
the bathroom. (knocks
on the door)
ou. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do
have to go to
Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd
rather talk
Gunther
[Scene:
on to
leave.]
Centr
: Someone in her
al Perk,
the gang's putting their coats
e.
Phoebe:
Joey:
Where's Chandler?
(sees
Ah, he can't make it, he said he
had to his...
rack.)
Ginger) Whoa-oh!
(hides behind the coat
Ginger
(She
picks it up and moves it so that he's still
behind it,
walks
: Joey? Joey Tribbiani?
over behind the coat
rack, but Joey
and she c
Ginger
an't see him.)
behind the c
: Joey I
(Joey puts his
f
oats.
can see you okay? You're hiding
keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica w
inger
over his mouth to tell Ross to
and leave.)
ho looks away
Joey:
[Scene:
Rachel's off
Phew, close one.
into a
box
ice, Mark is packing his stuff
Ross:
Rachel:
Hi.
.]
Ross:
Hi, sweetie!
Mark:
Hello.
Ross:
Hi, Ross.
Rachel:
Yeah, huh.
Ross:
I've got some bad new
s.
Rachel:
What?
have to come bac
I can
get a
quick bite to eat, but then I
Ross:
ever
Come on sweetie! You've
k up here.
had to work late
time?
y
night for the past two weeks, what is it this
Mark:
Ross:
Oh
(to Rachel) But
work comes f
Actually, it's kinda my fault.
I-I quit today.
irst! (to Mark)
happened?
Bur
hey, but that's
Rachel:
n
out?
sad
Burn all out, did ya?
about
you though, what
Ross:
this
Oh well
Nooo, he's leav
that's great,
ing for
a better job.
so I guess this is
Rachel's
desk and tosses it into hi
is good bye then.
Huh? (picks a pad up
ah,
off
Mark:
s box) Good bye.
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay.
Okay, then.
Mark:
Well we're gonna miss you around
here.
(Rachel goes to hug hi
Yeah, me too.
her hands and doesn't let go, so she can
onl
m but Ross is holding one of
one arm
around him.)
y
Mark:
put
Rachel:
So, see ya on Saturday.
(Ross
is shoc
Yeah, you bet.
off
ked, but
Rachel drags hi
[Scene:
ice.)
m out of
the
are
goes off and Monic
play
Monic
ing w
a
ith
and Rac
a Ouija
hel's, Phoebe
board, Phoebe's
and
Monic
beeper
a
Phoebe:
covers
it, and puts the pot in the oven)
Oh. (takes
a scr
her
eams.]
beeper puts in a
Monica:
Phoebe:
Y'know those are a
delicacy in India.
pot,
if we
time today
can get
Yeah, that was
Leslie c
back together. That's
alling again
to see
the twentieth
Monica:
! And good
luck Leslie!
huh?
Wow, she must have hurt
you pretty bad,
Phoebe:
ever sinc
Well,
yeah. Y'know, we were best friends,
barge
together
e we were little, our Moms worked on
the
Monica:
running around on a barge.
Oh,
.
you two must have been so cute
Phoebe:
Joey:
Phoebe and Monica:
(entering) Hey.
You never run on a barge!
Joey:
Hey.
Monica:
Is ah, is
Chandler around?
house.
No, umm, he met
some girl at the coffee
Joey:
Monica:
Oooh.
Joey:
Yeah, Ginger
something
Nooo. No, no,
something.
ah, are you sure
Gingeer?
that sounded like Ginger,
it
like
wasn't
ah,
the night and I
saw that the f
up a log and thr
ire was
dying out. So, I picked
log.
ew it on. Or,
at least what I thought was a
Phoebe:
Joey:
should've told you about
Ginger is that she kinda has a ah,
I
Oh
my God!! You threw Pepper on the f
wish. See, I
guess another thing I
ir
probably
e!
artif
(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and
gasp.)
icial leg.
Monica:
threw
Oh
my God! Joey, what did you do
after you
Joey:
her leg on the fire?
[Scene: A
str
I ran!!
Chandler
eet, Chandler is
kissing Ginger.]
I've ever met in a men's room.
: Well, that's the best kiss I've had w
ith anyone
Ginger
Chandler
:
Actually, me too.
puddle, foot all in a
puddle.
: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle)
Op, foot in a
Ginger
Chandler
: Oh damn,
I hate that.
shoes.
: Yeah, we're gonna
have to get you out of those
Ginger
Chandler
: Oh, don't worry about
it.
Ginger
Chandler
: No, I'm not.
:
No, really you're gonna freeze.
bionic
foot?
: You're not, what do you, what do you
got a
Ginger
[Scene:
: Some day,
maybe.
Ross is reading and laughs.]
Ross's
bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while
Rachel:
Ross:
Funny book?
funny I
hear
Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about
something
Saturday.'
d today. Umm, Mark,
Mark saying 'I'll see you
Rachel:
said you
didn't mind.
Yeah, at the lecture, I told you
that last week, you
Ross:
umm....
Oh,
no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind,
Rachel:
Mark.
Oh, please tell me it's
not because I'm going with
Ross:
Rachel:
Oh, well...
Ross:
with him
Well, I'm
Oh my
God!!! Ross!!
sorry, but ah,
him?
anymore, why do you
look
have
if you're
to still do
not working
stuff with
Rachel:
Ross:
mean...
Okay,
Because, he's
my friend.
but do you really need another
friend? I
Rachel:
can I play w
Okay,
well if I stop play
Ross:
ith Mark?
ing
with Joey and Chandler,
Rachel:
Is that
funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
funny. Look honey, Mar
I don't know, you
thought 'See you Saturday' was
friend that I
can shar
want to go to a lectur
e this stuff
k is in fashion okay, I like having a
Ross:
e w
with. You guys would never
Rachel:
Pa-haa!! I would love to go
w
ith me.
Ross:
Really
ith you.
mean for
Yeah, hey
!?
I-I have
clothes, I even pick them out. I
Rachel:
,
for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger.
(Ross has a worried look on his fac
Okay.
Honey, I would love for you to go with me.
Ross:
[Scene:
What should I wear
e)
What?
beeper still in the pot. She takes it
out, shakes it, and puts
Monica and Rachel's,
, now I'm all ner
Phoebe is
vous.
looking at her
it bac
Monica:
k in.]
Phoebe:
Y'know they say a watched pot
never beeps.
hasn't c
Monica:
alled. Not
that I even c
It's just y'know, been a
c
are, y'know.
ouple of hours, and she
want to.
Phoebe why don't you just call
her? You obviously
Phoebe:
Monica:
You
think you know me so well.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Well, don't 'cha wanna?
Monica:
Phoebe:
Okay, well I do know
Monica:
That's what I
said.
you.
Phoebe:
Well
so?
trusted
gone.
her
I can't. I
c
and then
an't. She dumped me, I mean
I totally
one day it was 'Okay, bye Pheebs'
play
Y'know what the saddest part is, when
we were
like all my lives.
ing together,
that was like the most fun I've ever had in
[Scene: Central Per
Leslie:
them
ever
(singing) My
k, L
best shoes,
eslie is singing.]
so good to me. I wear
care
With them I'm one hot c
what
people say.
yday. Down at the heel, holes in
the toes. Don't
My feet's best friends, pals
to the end.
much light, I....
hicky.
Though late one night, not
(Phoebe runs in and
joins her
Phoebe:
.)
Phoebe
(singing) I stepped in something
ic
alway
time I'll.... avoid the.....
pillleeeee.
s make
and Leslie:
me
smile.
(singing) Sticky shoes, stic
ky.
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes,
ky shoes,
next
Commercial Break
21 of 41 Pages
Phoebe:
be a millionaire by now, y'know.
You just got to get out
Okay, well if I was
in this for the money, I'd
of that jingle head
sweetie.
Leslie:
Phoebe:
Aw, you're
right, you're right. I'm sorr
that's really,
really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix U
That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play
y.
song
(she turns her guitar upside down to
play it.)
p.
[Scene:
Rachel's
shoulder
The lecture, Ross is passed out
against
Lecturer
oversizing
:
....oversized
.]
now.
of accessories
br
in
acelets,
general
over
are ver
sized earrings,
y
popular
(Ross wakes up with
guy
a start
and
laughing, Rachel gives hi
next to him
starts laughing,
startles
which
Rachel. The
starts
[Scene: Chandler
new
Monica:
spaper.]
and Joey's,
Chandler
m a look and he stops.)
Ross
is reading
the
Chandler: Hey.
(entering) Hi!
Monica:
milk's gone bad.
Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk)
My
Chandler
and half, stole my c
: Oh, I
hate that. I onc
Monica:
Chandler
So
umm, how
ar.
e had a thing of half
was
your date with Ginger?
great looking, great
personality, she's greatness.
: Great. It was
great. She's ah, she's great,
Monica:
Chandler
Sounds like she's got
the ah, whole package.
Monica:
: Joey told
you about the leg, huh?
Chandler
Uh-huh.
shouldn't have,
: Oh God, it freaked me
out. Okay, I know it
want to stop seeing
her
but it did. I mean I like her, I don't
y'know
smallest person in the world aren't
I? I'm the smallest
what, where's
, but
ever
your leg?'
y so often it's like 'Hey,
I mean I'm the
person in the world.
Joey:
Chandler
(entering from his
bedroom) Morni
person in the world.
: (to
Monica) Actually he's
ng.
the smallest
Joey:
Chandler
(to Chandler) Heard
about the leg burnin' huh?
Joey:
: It
c
chance did she f
Listen, I ah, I
know
ame up.
it's a longshot. But, by any
(Both Chandler and Monica walk away in
disgust.)
ind that funny?
[Scene:
getting bac
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and
Rachel
are
Ross:
k from the
lecture.]
Rachel:
(entering) So I nodded
off a little.
father
rocks!
's boat
Nodded
didn't
off!!
make
Ross
that much
you wer
noise w
e snoring.
hen it
My
hit
Ross:
the man
talked about strappy
Come on! Forty-five
minutes! Forty-five minutes
Rachel:
backed
dresses.
museum auditorium listening to
Professor
Well okay, how about four hours in a
freezing
he's 'Hey ever
dead
we didn't
know
for a gazillion years.
ybody! Remember
that thing that's been
Pitstains and
Well
there's this little
Ross:
that
had
wings, but didn't fly.
little
First of
all it's
it had!'
bone
bone, proved
Professor
that, that particul
Pittain!
And second of all,
ar dinosaur
Rachel:
blah-blah-blah,
Okay, see now,
what
blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.
blah-
blah-blah-blah-blah,
I just heard:
Ross:
movie about what I
Y'know what,
100 million people went to see a
would go see
a movie called, Jur
do, I wonder
Rachel:
assic Par
how many people
Ross:
Oh, that is so...
ka.
over
No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets
take
realises that he still has hi
an
island. (Makes an
to shake it off, thinking
it's alive and attac
s jacket on and
quic
unusual sound, then
kly tries
he
Rachel:
you insist on coming w
Y'know
if what I do is so lame, then why
king
him.)
did
it so I just woul
ith
me this morning? Huh? Was
Ross:
dn't go
with Mark?
feel like lately, I feel like
you're slipping away from me,
No. I... I
wanted to be with you. I don't know, I
y'know.
and
know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm
not a part of it.
you've
With
got
this
this
new job,
whole
and
all
other life
these
going
new
on.
people,
I-I-I
Rachel:
you'r
looks
e not
It's
a part
not
of
dumb.
it. Y'know
But, maybe
what I
it's
mean?
okay
(Ross
that
not
involved in that part of my life.
confused) I
mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're
Ross:
Rachel:
That's a little clearer.
you. Bec
Honey see, it doesn't mean that I
don't love
my work
ause I do. I love you,
I love you so much. But
ow
it's-it's for me
y'know, I'm out there, on my
because it's
mine. I, but, I mean is that okay
n, and I'm
doing it and it's scary but I love it,
Ross:
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler
and Ginger ar
Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and
mouths No!!)
?
eating dinner.]
e
Season 3
Ginger: Your thinking
about my leg aren't you?
Chandler: No. No.
Actually I forgot, what is the
deal with that
again?
Ginger: It's okay if it bothers you.
Really. I mean
the only thing I need to know
is: 'How much it
bothers you?' because I don't
like wasting my time.
Phoebe: Ick-neck-tree-
anis..... There's a 'g' in there.
Monica:
Where's that?
Phoebe: In your atlas!
Monica: I don't have an atlas.
Phoebe: Oh.
Monica: Oh, but wait I do have a globe.
there?
Rachel: No-no-no, no, honey please,
I've got, I've just
have so much to deal with.
[Cut to kitchen.]
Phoebe: (to Monica)
Anyway, I'm going out with
Sergei again
tonight, and um, could you come and be
Am I
wasting my time?
Chandler
Ginger
:
No. No. I don't think so.
have to get used to
it.
: Okay. It's just like anything else, you
just
(They
feels inside and stops.)
start making out. She opens his shirt and
Ginger
Chandler
: What's that?
Ginger
:
Chandler
: What's a
nubbin?
That's-that's my nubbin.
thing.
: It's kinda a ah,
a third nipple
kinda
Ginger
Chandler
: You have three
nipples?
that barely qualif
: Well, y'know
two regulars. And ah one
but she gets
up.) Ahh, what?
ies as... (starts to kiss her
again,
Ginger
leave.
: Nothing. I, I
just remembered I have to
Chandler
now
Ginger
? How
:
c
You ah, you have, you have to leave,
Y'know what, I'll see you
: Ah
ome?
well,
it's nubbin. Nothing!
Umm.
and in the hall we see her shake
her
later. Okay. (She leaves
when
blackboard.)
someone runs their fingernails
shoul
across
ders like
a
[Scene: Centr
sing as Leslie enters.]
al Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to
Phoebe:
coming. What? Where were you?
(to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't
Leslie:
side of the stage) Okay, don't get
mad, okay.
Come here, come here. (they go to
the
Phoebe:
okay
Okay, don't give me a
reason to get mad,
Leslie:
old ad agenc
I played Smelly Cat for the people at my
Phoebe:
to
No, look, I told
y,
they went nuts.
anyway. God, y
try and sell
it, and you
you that
just, you
I
didn't want you
probably would've done
anything to play w
'know what, I think five
years ago I
big fat did it
but, I
c
then just forget it.
an do it by myself.
And if I can't trust you
ith you
Leslie:
Phoebe:
No, no, I don't
want to forget it.
All
planet to you is
this c
right,
Okay y'know w
if-if the
most
hat you
important
have
thing
to choose.
on
can have Smelly Cat, but
we won't be partners. So
at poopy thing then,
okay you
the
what's it gonna
be?
[Scene: Monic
Joey are
watc
Commercial:
hing TV.]
a and
Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and
Smelly Cat)
Pr
(in the
background their singing
change your kitty, change your kitty
litter
oblem odour in the litter box? Don't
(Monic
Monica:
a gets up and shuts off
the TV.)
.
Joey:
Phoebe:
Yeah. You
okay?
Sorry, Pheebs.
life-life's
you
gonna
Yeah.
had you all
kinds
I actually am, yeah. Y'know
grow.
W
learn
Joey:
anna hear a new
your
little lessons
of stuff, y'know
song?
and hopefully you
Monica:
Yeah.
Phoebe:
We'd love too.
over! Go to
hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell.
Okay. (singing) 'Jingle bitch screwed me
Go to
hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so
far
Closing Credits
.
[Scene:
except Chandler
Monica and Rachel's, the
whole gang
Chandler
Joey:
: (entering,
happily
is there.]
) Well hello!
Chandler
Where have you
been?
Ross:
Chandler
Is ever
: The
doc
ything okay?
tor.
nubbin-
ectomy. Yep! T
: Oh yes!
Monica:
wo
nipples, no waiting.
Just had me a little
Rachel:
Monica:
What?!!
Wow! It's
like Rachel in High School.
such an obvious
joke!
Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was
Chandler
think of it. Why didn't
: That
was an obv
my powers. Oh dear
End
God,
what have I done!
I think of it?
ious
joke, and I didn't
The source of all
315
Break
The One Where Ross and
Rachel Take A
[Scene:
olives out
of the fridge.]
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is
taking a jar of
Joey:
to eat this
w
(to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me
Monica:
hole jar of olives?
me 2.95.
I won't give you anything, but you'll owe
Joey:
Phoebe:
Done.
an atlas!
(entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need
Monica:
a report due?
Why? (in a
motherlike tone) Do you have
Phoebe:
while
I have
a date with this
and, I
don't know w
I was giving free massages outside
diplomat
the UN
I met
Monica:
outside the UN.
Okay, let's
start w
here his countr
ith the
y is.
free messages
Phoebe:
bodies at peace,
make peac
Oh!! That's my new thing. I figure
Monica:
prize in rubbing. So what
countr
Wow! You might just get the f
e.
y is this guy from?
irst Nobel
Phoebe:
Oh.
Monica:
the tr
Joey:
Hold on.
alone time, you two coul
anslator's date? So
that when we, it's time for our
Phoebe:
So
Pheebs what's this guy like? he's kinda cute.
d split off. Y'know, he's really,
ver
Umm, well he's very dashing, y'know, and umm,
Monica:
but acc
y, very sophisticated, and
he doesn't speak any English, or kinda cute like
your friend Spac
Yeah, well kinda cute, like
Monica:
ording to his
translatorPhoebe:
kel Bac
really kinda
k
Larry?
cute,
globe.)
'Kay, here you
go.
, he totally gets me.
(Hands her this
tiny Bac
Hey, don't call him that! His name is
Spackel
Phoebe:
little
[Scene:
Central Per
k Harry!
Monica:
What is
this? the big couch.]
k, Chandler and Joey are
sitting on
(Phoebe puts the globe right up
next to her eye to tr
It's a globe and, a
pencil sharpener. Chandler
going. I mean w
:
Hey, y'know what, maybe we
f
Chandler
ind the countr
y and
there?
hat time did Chloe say we
should
should
get
be
copied? I'm going
down to the Xer
: (entering)
y.)
Hey,
does anybody Joey:
Monica:
ox
plac
need anything
Chandler
Uh, 10:30.
Chandler
Oh, no thanks.
e.
Joey:
: What time is it now?
tw
:
OkayChandler
4:30.
Monica:
o of.
listen, just give me anything I can make
Joey:
: Yeah all right, so we'll hang out.
you going down there?
Well, if you don't
have anything to copy, why are thing about the
three of us?
Yeah. Hey, remember when she
brought up that
Joey:
Chandler
hot girl
with the belly button ring again?
Yeah, are
you just going down there to gawk at that
Joey:
: Yes. Vividly.
Chandler
Chandler
She was kidding about
that right?
Joey:
: Yeah! You wanna come?
about it for a second) Y
: Yeah, I-I-I think
so. (Pauses and thinks
Opening Cr
Yeah!
Joey:
[Scene: The Xer
edits presented itself
tonight, huh?
God, that would
eah, I-I
think so...
be weird it that situation
line.]
ox place, Chandler and Joey are
waiting in Chandler
Chandler
do?
:
Yeah. Yeah, I mean what, what would we
f
:
Come on Chloe! Finish up with your customer
Joey:
Issac:
irst. Come on Chloe! Come on
Chloe!! Chandler
Dude, I don't know.
Chandler: Uh-oh.
(to Chandler and Joey)
Can I help you? Joey:
: She was kidding.
Joey:
Chandler
Yeah.
about our
copy
Uh, y'know what, we're having second
thoughts maybe we should c
: She was.... But
y'know
to think about it.
ing needs. And
we'll need a little more time
Joey:
Issac:
thing
Y
ome up with a
set of ground rules.
what, just in case,
got a crush on you.
Chloe, switch with
me, there's some guys here that you don't want to
be doing something and then look up
to
eah,
be, never
for sure.
open your
eyes. Y'know,
Okay. Probably want the
because
first
Chandler
and see
something you don't want to be seeing.
Chloe:
Chandler
Chandler
Hi guy
:
(to Joey
s. I haven't seen you since this
morni
) Okay, that hurt us.
ng. What
Chloe:
: Well ah, ........y'know. there....
if me
: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold
it!! Hold it!
eyes are closed, and, and my
hand
Joey:
Hey, what are you guys doing
tomorrow night? something w
(holds his arm out
and pretends to
is out
grab
Chloe:
Both of us? (points to Chandler and himself)
Joey:
ith his hand.)
(They
May
do w
Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times!
Oh, hey, how
and step apart a little bit.)
both
be. Does that scar
start laughing.
They
e ya?
look at each other, stop would,
(clear
e decide where we... (clears throat)
y'know each
Chloe:
Chandler
should
c
Relax. It's just Issac's D.J.-ing at the
Philly. You for it.
: Right. Right. W
s
throat again) y'know (pause) be?
ell ah,
y'know we could flip
Joey:
ome.
Joey:
Chloe:
We'll be there. tails?
Yeah, I guess, but what's like heads and what's
Chandler
Great. I'll ah, see ya then.
Chandler
then hides his face in shame.)
: All right, rock on. (want to do this w
:
Well it you
[Scene:
[Scene:
diplomat
(
A Street, Phoebe is
Does the 'Hang
10' sign,
walking along (Sophie)
ar
Rachel's
ith you.
don't know that,
then I don't
office, Rachel and a co-worker
Sergei:
Sergei) and his translator (Mischa)
.]
with the
Rachel:
Mischa:
(something in Russian or Polish) purchase order
right her
(on
e dealing w
the phone)
No,
ith the crisis.]
no, no, I'm
looking at a
city, feel like home.'
He's says, 'Walking with you makes
this
strange ordered
Phoebe:
colours. And....
(listens) What does it matter
the Rivera bikini
e and it clearly states that we
in a
variety of sizes
that's
wearing?!
you
make something up. (
dumb what I
Me too.
Although this
said, don't tell
city
him I
is my
said
home, so. So
that. Umm, (listens) Thank you. (to Sophie)
W
Can I please speak to your super
, what
I'm
and
visor?
her hand.) Nice, (to
Mischa) thank you. This is me. Her
Mischa does
so and Sergei kisses Ross:
(Sergei goes up to
her
Rachel:
(entering, carry
e're
holding.
Mischa:
here?
(startled)
Oh!!
ing a basket) Hi!
My God, what are
you doing
Phoebe:
(leaning in) Your eyes
ar
at her door and says something.)
e.
e ver
Ross:
Thank you!
(to Mischa) Thank you, very much!
y pretty.
Oh! (to Sergei) cover off of the basket)
Well you said you couldn't go out so.... (pulls
the
(Sergei says something and leans in to
kiss her
Sophie:
he's about to....)
That's it, on Monday I start wearing make-up.
You brought a picnic, oh, w
hat a
boyfriend.
Mischa:
, but just as
Rachel:
Phoebe:
(leaning in) He would
like to kiss you. crisis.
Ross honey, this is
very nice, but, but I-I got a
do
Ross:
No-no-no-no!! Not
that
(to
Misc
now.
ha) Okay, y'know what, you don't
have to
(Mischa translates Rachel:
Yeah,
but I got cous-cous!
can
proc
anniversar
Honey, honey,
(Sergei
says something and kisses her
eed and steps
away
him, you
that to Sergei)
) Well
the moment's over
don't! (Mischa tells Sergei
he
time to stop.
y but I told you
I'm
on
sorr
the
y,
phone I don't
I know it's
have
our
Phoebe: Oh.
.)
.
Ross:
Misc
not her
Okay, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible, I'm
[Scene: Monica
ha: Oy! Rachel:
e.
(lights a candle)
wher
and Rachel's, Phoebe
is approved
But I don't, hmm...
Phoebe:
e Sergei's country is.]
showing
Monica
Robbinson
that order?! (listens)
(on
Well
phone)
there is
Oh,
no Mar
who
Monica:
(pointing to the
globe) See there it is right there.
the
phone!
in this office. (to Sophie) Get me Mark
on
k
Phoebe:
Wow! It's small.
Sophie:
weeks to get all the way across it.
Yeah. But Sergei said it took the Germans six
Ross:
I love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know Mark?
Monica:
Rachel:
Yeah!!
Phoebe:
So you had fun, huh?here,
Well, let me just
check that with what I got
and
Yeah.
Except for
starts making a
all right
see
translator keeps getting in the way.
you're getting along
, y'know when you're
really great but the
on a
guy's
date
grinder)
lot of
038 is not
the number for (Ross
Monica: No.
looks at
Ross)
this store, 038
noise with
is
Atlanta. And I...
a handheld pepper
(stops
and
Ross:
Ross:
Phoebe and
Monica:
(entering) Hey. Rachel:
(stopping
grinding) Pepper?
Ross:
Hey.
Ross:
(angrily) None for me.
Monica:
What is ah, Rach in her room? Rachel:
Okay
sorr
you to c
w
Ross:
all her
Oh
no, she's still at work, but she told me to tell
. Ross's candle has started) Oh my God!!
rong, and I'm
I'm sorr
y, whew.
y,
as I was saying the store number
sorry but
that's... (notices a fire
is
can she do
this? Doesn't she know it's our anniversar
Oh
what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How
Ross:
Monica:
water) Okay, that's a f
(putting out the fire with a squeeze
that
bottle of
knowledge
All right ah,
Ross, this is
y?
Rachel:
Rachel.
on
the subject. (holds up
the
a
extent
notepad)
of
Call
my
have to
c
(on phone) Excuse me, I'm sorr
ire. Oh
yeah. Oh yeah.
Ross:
(hangs up) (to Ross)
What are you doing?
all you back, I've got a
Schemp in my off
y, I'm gonna
ice.
Monica:
What's that on the bottom?
Ross:
(to Phoebe) She's fanc
Oh that's my
doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. phone,
I'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off the
(Ross c
get it going again.
how 'bout a
glass of wine by the fire, I could
Rachel:
alls Rachel)
y.
Rachel:
Ross:
(answering her
phone at work) Hello. time to stop.
Ross
you're not listening to me, I don't have
Rachel:
Hey, honey.
Ross:
Ross:
minutes?
Come on Rach, you
don't have what, ten
Rachel:
Hey, what's
going on?
Oh, hi.
Rachel:
to get
this order
Well, there was a disaster in
shipping and I've got
Ross:
I don't
have ten minutes!!
gonna be here all night.
in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like
I'm minutes?
What? (to Sophie) Sophie, does
she have ten
Ross: What, do you, well umm, oh
how about I come up
Rachel:
Ross:
Don't yell at me okay, this is the most I've seen
Hey, Ross!!! I told you I don't!
22 of 41
Pages
Season 3
you all week.
Rachel: Look, I cannot do this right now,
okay,
I've got a deadline, would you just go
home, I'll
talk to you later. (storms out)
Ross: Yeah, but wait...
Rachel: Good bye!
(Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger,
and
throws a three hole punch in the basket.)
Sophie: Actually, that's our three hole punch.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating
the
picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hi. Look um, about what
happened
earlier...
Ross: No, hey, well,
I-I completely understand.
(Sergei responds.)
Mischa: He says he was too.
Phoebe:
Interesting.
Mischa: (to Monica) So I was
wondering....
Phoebe: Okay, ah, before you get
all talky again, umm,
could you also please
tell Sergei that I really like his suit.
(Mischa does so, and Sergei complements
Phoebe, and
says it slowly)
Mischa: (to
Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said, thank you
very much, he thinks you look very pretty
tonight, your hair,
golden like the sun. (to
Monica) So you're a chef?
Monica: I'm also
thinking about opening up my own
restaurant.
Mischa: Oh, really.
Phoebe: Monica, can I
talk to you behind my menu, please.
some
English, Sergei?
Phoebe: Excuse me, but umm,
isn't he paying for your
dinner?
Monica:
Hey, the man's dog just died.
(Sergei insults
Mischa, and they get into a huge fight,
in
Russian.)
Mischa: (to Monica) I have just
resigned my post.
Would you care to accompany
me to the Rainbow
Room? I have diplomatic
coupons.
Monica: It will be my pleasure. (to
Phoebe) My guy
has diplomatic coupons. Your
guy can't even say
coupons. (they leave)
Sergei: Uh, (picks up a plate) plate?
Phoebe: Plate! Yes, plate.
Sergei: Plate.
Plate. Plate.
You wer
Rachel:
e, you
were stressed.
you a chance to apologise to
me.
(throws her stuff down) I was gonna give
Ross:
your off
For what? For letting
you throw me out of
Rachel:
ice?
off
You
had no right
somebody's w
ice
Ross. You do not bring
coming
a
down
to my
ranger!
ork! Unless maybe they
wer
picnic basket
e a par
to
k
Ross:
my
Yeah, well excuse me for
wanting to be with
am I.
girlfriend on
our anniversary, boy what an ass
Rachel:
Ross:
I
Yeah, well you never
But I
told you, I didn't have the time!
have the
time. I mean,
Rachel.
don't feel like I
even have a girlfriend anymore,
Rachel:
You
want me, you want me to quit my job so you
Wh, Ross what do you want from me?
can feel
like you have a girlfriend?
Ross:
job!
No, but it'd be nice if you realised, it's just a
Rachel:Just a job!
Ross:
Rachel:
Yes.
my life I'm
doing something I actually
Ross do you realise
this is the f
This is the f
c
irst time
in
are about.
that I'm actually
irst
time in my life I'm doing something
that...
good at. I mean. if you don't get
Ross:
And I'm
No, hey, I get that,
okay, I get that big time.
relationship with
your answering machine! Okay, I
happy for ya,
but I'm tired of having a
don't know what to
do anymore.
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel:
Is
this about Mark?
Well neither do I!
Ross:
(shocked) Oh my
God.
Rachel:
Okay, it's not, it's not.
same
f
Oh my God. I cannot keep having this
you'r
Ross:
e, you're making this too
hard.
ight over and over again, Ross, no,
you're,
what do you want me to do.
Oh
I'm, I'm making this too hard. Okay,
Rachel:
maybe we should take a br
I
don't know, I don't know. Urrrgh! Look,
Ross:
take a break, (goes to the door)
let's cool off, okay,
Okay, okay, fine,
you'r
eak.
e right. Let's ah, let's
let's
(opens the door)
get some frozen
Rachel:
yogart, or something..
break from us.
No. (Ross is standing in
the doorway.) A
(Ross looks at her
behind
him.)
Commercial Br
, then leaves
slamming the door
[Scene: The Philly, Chandler
eak
to Chloe.]
and Joey are talking
Chloe:
f
y'know.
ive years,
And
the
I mean
advances
we just
in collating
got in
in the past
T-71.
The X-5000 makes the X-50
an
look
X-5000,
like a
(Chandler
agrees in an absolutely bored way.)
Chloe:
guy. (runs over to Ross) Hi, Ross.
(seeing Ross enter) Hey, it's the
dinosaur
Ross:
Chloe:
Oh, hi
Chloe.
(Introduc
I want you to met some
friends of mine.
my
blow
hero, he
c
es him to Chandler and Joey) This guy is
omes in with some stuff he wants it
say
now anytime anybody wants 400, we just
say 'let's
s you
n up 400%, we said we
don't do that, and he
gotta. And y'know what,
we did it. And
Ross it!'
Chandler
in.
: And that's the only colour that comes
Issac:
condom machine?
Yo, Chloe, do
you have a quarter for the
Chloe:
Chandler
Oh! (storms off)
tonight was your big anniversar
: So, what
are you doing here?
I thought
Ross:
gonna break-up instead.
Yeah,
little change in
y dinner
plans. Ahh,
.
we're
(Chandler and Joey stare at each
other in shoc
[Scene:
their dates with
Sergei and Mischa.]
A Restaurant, Monica and
Phoebe are on
k.)
Monica:
Voulez-
laughs) W
vous
Oh, and I can also speak a little French.
coucher avec moi ce soir? (Mischa
Mischa:
hy? What did I say?
bed with
you toni
Well, you just asked if I wanted to
go to
Monica:
ser
Oh my God! No
w
ght.
onder I get such great
Phoebe:
vice at Cafe Maurice.
table)
Knock, knoc
(laughing and banging her spoon on
the
you please tell Sergei that um, I was
fascinated by
k, knock, knock, hi. Um, could
what Boutros Boutros Gali
Times.
said
in the New York
(Mischa does so.)
Phoebe:
Mischa: (to Sergei) Boutros Boutros
Gali.
You didn't say Boutros Boutros Gali.
(Behind the menu) W
Monica:
hat are
you doing?
Phoebe:
Well, I was having a
conversation.
Sergei
other
and I
haven't been able
Yeah but, Mischa is so
to
interested
say two words
in
you,
to each
that
Monica:
.
while you thr
What do you want me to do?
Just sit her
Phoebe:
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel is lying in fr
That would be
gr
ee have a conversation?
e silently
eat. Thank you.
bay w
Rachel:
indow,
and the phone rings.]
ont of the
Mark:
Rachel:
Oh, hi. It's Mar
(jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!
k.
Mark:
Rachel:
W
(disappointed) Oh.
hat? Is it my breath?
Hi!
No! Sorry, I just thought you were
somebody else.
Mark:
isn't tonight your
Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message,
Rachel:
Mark:
Yeah. Well, umm.....
, your big anniversary dinner?
Rachel:
Rac
Mark:
(on the verge of tears) Yeah, I'm
f
h, are you okay?
Rachel:
You wanna
talk, I mean I can come over?
ine.
Mark:
No! Really, no, please, please,
that's, that's okay.
Chinese food.
All right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm
bringing
Rachel:
Mark:
Oh, yeah, I'm
not, I'm not hungry.
Rachel:
It's for me.
[Scene: The Philly.]
Oh. Okay, bye.
Joey:
Ross:
So what are you gonna do?
break-up.
What can I do? One person
wants to break-up, you
Chandler
and
wor
: Hey, no way! Come on, this is you guys,
call her
Ross:
don't I have to wait a
while?
Oh
k it out.
come on, we just
had this huge fight, all right,
Chandler
up
the phone!!
: Hey, this isn't like swimming
after you eat, pick
(Ross goes to
c
Chandler
all her.)
Joey:
Chandler
Yeah, tell that to my
U
: Y'know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
Joey:
: Why? What happened to
hi
ncle Lenny.
m?
[Scene:
Nothing,
he's just really believes in that.
Chinese
food box
Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there,
opening
Rachel:
es.]
just, it was
awful. I told him he tr
Oh, and then, we got
into this big, stupid f
or
break, I don't
want to take a break.
something, oh and then I
told
eats me like a park r
him I wanted to
anger
ight. I
take a
,
Mark:
Rachel:
Wow. I'm sorry. Eggroll?
he wasn't there.
No. (grabs an eggroll)
And then I called him, and
Mark:
Rachel:
Well, then he's, he's
probably just, out.
came over
Oh, thank
you that's very helpful, I'm glad you
(The
phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
.
Rachel:
Ross:
Hello.
Rachel:
Hi! It's me.
Ross:
Hi!
O
don't you think we c
Really? I've been
thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't,
h, I'm
so glad you called.
Mark:
an work on this?
Ross:
Rachel:
Who's that?
Hey, what
do you want to drink?
Mark:
Nobody.
(Rachel mouths 'Shoot!' or something
similar
Is it okay if I finish the apple
juice?
Ross:
Rachel:
Is that Mark?
.)
[Cut to The Philly.]
Umm, honey,
look he just c
Ross:
back to the bar
Yeah! Got
ame over to....
it! (slams
the phone down, and walks
Chloe:
dance.
Hey, dinosaur
.)
guy, look at you,
so sad. Come
Ross:
Chloe:
Ah, that's
okay, thanks.
dance.
Hey, you don't have
to smile. You just have to
Ross:
drink.
Okay
Look, I don't feel like dancing, I feel
like having a
Chloe:
dow
Oh, okay.
?
(to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits
[Scene: The Restaurant, after dinner
n next
to him)
Mischa:
from half a world away,
w
(to Monica) And the vet said it was time.
And so
.]
his ear
hile my Mother held
the phone to
Monica:
, I said good bye to
my dog,. In seven languages.
Phoebe:
Oh.
(to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue?
accidentally
suc
Oh, yeah, sure. I just hope you, hope you
don't
(Sergei says something to M
k it up
through your nose and choke on it.
Mischa:
ischa.)
behaviour
(to
Phoebe) Sergei, would like to apologise for
my
Phoebe:
(Mischa does so.)
W
tonight.
ell, tell him, apology
accepted.
Mischa:
f
(to Monic
a) Oh, he's unbelievable. I mean for the
to talk to me, but do you think he would let
me enjoy that,
irst time in three years
somebody wants to actually want
no!! (to
Sergei) You silly diplomat, why don't you learn
23 of 41 Pages
Phoebe:
Sergei:
Phoebe: Yeah.
(picking up a cup) Plate?
See, we don't need
them.
[Scene:
(Which
TOW the
List.) ]
is
The
the
Philly,
same
With
song
or
Ross
Without
played
You
for
is
Rac
playing.
hel in
Ross:
Chloe:
(to Chloe) I like this song.
don't you just do it over her
Well, you're
practically dancing already. Why
Ross:
e?
Chloe:
Oh, no, no.
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel is next to the bay
What? Are
you married? 'Cause that's okay.
window again,
Mark has left.]
Rachel:
home,
home. Be
be
(picks
home,
up
be
the
home,
phone and
be home,
calls Ross) Oh,
be home,
be
you'r
home. Be home, be home, be home. Oh,
be
[Scene: The Philly, Ross is dancing
with Chloe.]
e not home.
Chloe:
(She
kisses
Still no smile?
then
U2's
they
him. Ross leans back for a second,
and
To Be Continued......
With or Without
You
both kiss, more
play
passionately
s in the background.)
this time
as
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central
Per
sing
(Both Phoebe and him are singing
along and they get
American Pie
, by Don
Maclean.]
k, Sergei is teaching Phoebe how to
to the chorus.)
Sergei:
pie. (stops to
correct Phoebe) Ameri-cc
(singing)
Touchet, touchet, Miss Americccan
Phoebe:
an.
Sergei:
Phoebe:
Ameri-cc
Ameri-can.
Let's do it again.
Ameri-can.
an.
Y'know it's a very
hard language.
(They start
the American
part.)
singing, and Phoebe covers her mouth at
Sergei:
his language, and c
(to the
rest of Central Perk) Ever
ybody!! (In
End
ontinues.)
316
Joey:
The One The Mor
[A
(Voice
Over) Prev
ning After
iously on Friends.
Rachel Take A Break follow
montage of
scenes from The One Where Ross and
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the
picnic
s.]
as Rachel comes home from
wor
Ross:
k.]
anymor
I mean, I
don't feel like I even have a girlfriend
Rachel:
e.
can feel like you've got a
girlfriend?
You want me to just quit my job
so that you
Ross:
Rachel:
Is this about
Mark?
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay, it's not,
it's not.
(shocked) Oh my God.
f
take
a break.
ight with
Oh my God. I
you
Ross! Look,
cannot
urrgh,
keep having
maybe we
this
should
same
Ross:
(goes
F
frozen yoghurt, or
something.. (opens the door)
to
ine,
you're
the door) let's
right.
cool
Let's ah,
off, okay,
let's
let's
take
get
a break,
some
Rachel:
(Ross
behind
him.)
looks
No. A break from us.
[Scene: Monica and Rac
at
her, then leaves slamming the door
Chinese
food box
hel's, Mark is there, opening
Rachel:
I wanted to take a break, I don't
want to take a break.
Then, we had this big,
stupid f
es.]
ight, and I said
Ross:
mean don't, don't you think we c
(on the phone) I've been thinking, this is crazy,
I
Mark:
Ross:
Hey, what do you want to
drink?
an work on this?
Rachel:
Who's
that?
Ross:
Nobody.
Rachel:
Is
that Mark?
Ross:
Umm, honey, look he just
c
ame over
[Scene: The Philly.]
Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)
to....
Chloe:
'C
Hey, come
dance. What? Are you married?
[Cut to Chloe
and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
ause that's
okay.
The Next Morning
[Scene:
Monica and Rachel's, Monic
drink
shower and
is c
in the blender, Rachel has
a is making
a fruit
just finished her
Monica: Hey.
oming out of the bathroom.]
Rachel: Hey.
Monica:
Rachel:
How's the big
anniversary dinner?
Monica:
W
Rachel:
Ohhh, nic
ell, we never
actually got to dinner.
Monica:
No, we
kinda br
e.
without the lid on it and fruit
flies ever
What?! (She accidentally
oke up
instead.
starts the blender
Rachel:
the
ceiling.
(looking up at the ceiling) God,
Monica it's on
ywhere.)
Monica:
(pause) (angrily
That's okay,
this is more important than fruit
Rachel:
)
on my ceiling! You br
Mark came over
Yeah,
.
but it's okay, because when Ross
oke
up?!
left
Season 3
Monica: Oh
no!!
Rachel: No.
Monica: Rachel, you and
Mark?!
Rachel: No, no-no, it's okay, calm
down. Mark and
I talked, and I realised how
much I love your
stupid brother, and, yeah, we
got our problems,
but I really want to make it
work.
[Scene: Ross's Bedroom, Ross is waking
up. He
straightens himself out on the bed and
puts the
covers over his head.]
Chloe:
(entering from bathroom) Morning!
(Ross sits
bolt upright, without moving the covers.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross's Kitchen,
Ross is taking some aspirin
and checking his
messages.]
Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi,
it's me. I've
been trying to reach you all
night. I feel awful.
Please, Ross, you gotta
know there is nothing
between me and Mark.
This whole break-up thing
is just stupid.
Ross: Yeah!!
Rachel: Eh, I'm just so sorry
I put you through it.
And, I y'know, I don't
want to get back together
over a machine.
Ross: Na-huh.
Rachel: So, I love you.
Ross: I love you.
you and, and let's work
on this.' And all I can think about is,
'What
is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I
tell
her what I did.
Chandler: Well,
before we answer that, I think we should
address the more important question. How dumb
are you?
Ross: What?! Look, we're trying to
rebuild a relationship
here, right. How am I
supposed to do that here, without
being
totally honest with each other?
Joey: Look,
Ross look, I'm on board about this totally
honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff
that's gonna get
you in trouble.
Chandler:
He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're
just gonna hurt her.
Joey: Yeah, and there
won't be a relationship left to
rebuild.
Ross: Yeah, but don't you think....
Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely
have to tell her,
at least wait until the
timing's right. And that's what
deathbeds are
for.
Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one
of the leather
chairs, with the footrest
extended.)
Joey: All right, okay, now, we
just have to make sure she
doesn't find out
some other way. (spins the chair around so
that Ross is facing him) Did you think about
the trail?
Ross: What trail?
Joey: (stomps
on the footrest which pops Ross up into a
sitting position) The trail from the woman you
did it with to
because I told him and he knows
Phoebe too.
Ross: (angrily) Who's your
roommate?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is
wiping down the
counter as Ross rushes in.]
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell
me you
didn't say anything to Rachel about me
and the girl
from the Xerox place.
Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by
the
window. She is just glaring at him.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom,
Monica and Phoebe are
removing the rest of
their wax strips.]
Monica: Ow!
Phoebe:
Oh!!
Monica: Ow!! Ow!!
Phoebe: Ow!!!
Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!
(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush
in.
Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea
kettle.)
Phoebe: We're all right.
Monica:
It's okay, it's okay.
Phoebe: We're all right.
Monica: We were just waxing our legs.
Chandler: Off?!!
Phoebe: For your
information, this happens to be a
pain like no
man will ever experience.
Rachel:
go
tomorrow
to bed
And y'know w
now,
but ah,
hat, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
on my
8:30.
morning, I'm gonna stop
way
by
to
around
work
Ross:
clock.)
Okay. (Ross starts
frantically looking for a
Rachel: Bye.
(Ross
silently screams.)
finds a clock,
sees it's almost 8:30, and
Ross:
Chloe:
Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!!
puppy do you think I shoul
(entering from
bedroom) Hey, what kind of
Ross:
d get?
big one?
Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How
about a
Chloe:
Ross:
kinda have to get
going!
But my apartment is so...
Well then a small one!! Listen, let's, we
Chloe:
Ross:
Wait! Where's my shoes?
her
shoe)
head)
You, you sure you
need shoes? (
Okay. (reaches down and
Chloe nods
picks up a
Chloe:
Ross:
Do I know
you about last
night?
Yeah, y'know
why we'r
the ah,
e rushi
the
ng?
girlfriend
I told
cushions
shoe) Well
off of
the
(He's frantically throw
couch looking
for her
ing the
other
back
together
it turns out she ah, she wants to get
Chloe:
with me. Oh, I found it!!
Ross:
That's so great for you guys!
Chloe:
Y
Ross:
feeling. Well....
(pic
Yes, yes I
Y
eah!
ou must be
so happy
am, one of the
!
Chloe:
ks up her coat)
many things I'm
Ross:
Good luck, with your
girlfriend.
he
her
holds
Oh,
her
thank you.
coat up between
(She goes to kiss him, but
hides Chl
.)
Hey, hey. (opens the door,
their faces
sees Rachel,
to stop
Rachel:
oe
behind the door) Rachel!!!!
and
Ross:
Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.
Rachel:
Yeah, oh hey, you ar
girlfriend again?
So
what do you
e right on time.
say? Can I be
your
Ross:
(Chloe
Yes, you can,
ver
standing behind the door
gives Ross the
y much.
Ross:
.)
thumbs up while
still
Rachel tighter
(seeing the thumbs
up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Phoebe
.)
carr
Phoebe:
Hey
y a large box, Monica is mopping the
c
is entering
eiling.]
Monica: Hey.
!
Phoebe:
Monica:
Hey, why are
you mopping your ceiling?
Phoebe:
Oh,
there's banana on it.
women living in mine.
Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian
Monica:
head)
So then you know? (Phoebe
nods her
Phoebe:
brought up your
mail.
The mailman was downstairs, so I
Monica:
Phoebe:
Oh, good. Thanks.
Monica:
Okay? Um, but
Okay,
Now
what is Fabutec?
sw
I
all
saw
right
this
don't judge me to much.
on TV before, except
ear to you I have
never-ever bought
info-mercial, and
any
um, I
thing
this
amazing....
stuff on leg waxing,
for
this
it
mop. But
just, it looked
there was
so
Phoebe:
Monica:
Waxine!!
Phoebe:
Yes! Have you seen
it?
Waxine girl.
Oh, it's incredible! I
so want to be a
Monica:
Phoebe:
I know
'C
God.
Do
!!
think it really doesn't
hurt?
Monica:
ause how can they do that?
discovered in the depths of the rain
forest!
Hello! Organic substances recently
Phoebe:
[Scene:
They have the best
stuff in there.
Chandler and Joey his terrible
act.]
Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told
Chandler
Joey:
you'd gone home to make
up with Rachel. Which is
Yeah. We f
: Oh
my God! O
igured when we couldn't f
h my
God!
ind you,
probably what you shoulda
done. Huh?
Ross:
what, what am I gonna
do?
You think?! God, I, ah, I'm
Rachel's
all like, 'I love
in hell. I mean
the
woman you hope never
his hands w
finds out
who did it! (slapping
the tr
ith each word)
You always have to think about
Ross:
ail!
Chandler
Oh, I-
Issac. Issac's sister
is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that
: Okay,
okay-okay, ah, C
I don't think there's any
tr
hloe works with that guy
ail.
message
Rachel. And that's the tr
place
with Phoebe. And Phoebe's
[Scene:
Monic
ail, I did it!
friends with
their
legs.]
a's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are
waxing
Phoebe:
Waxine and linen strips
to leg number one,
(reading from the
instructions) After applying the
Monica:
Phoebe:
Did that!
and pull it off in
one quic
Grasp one of the linen strips by its
'easy grab tab'
Monica:
Phoebe:
Okay.
(
k pain free motion.
Monica:
Was it
not pain-fr
Does so.) Ow
ee?
!!!!! Ow
-oh-oh!
Pain-zine, now w
No. It was
painful. Oh my God , they should call it
Phoebe:
commercial don't seem to think it's
that bad.
Huh, well,
ith a little wax.
the girls in the satin nighties on the
Monica:
deadened
That's
don't
believe me, please, by my guest.
from being
because
so stupid.
their
But
nerves
hey, y'know
are probably
if
you
Phoebe:
my God!!!
(Removing one of
the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh
Monica:
strips?
Now, are you glad we didn't start with the
bikini
[Scene: The X
Ross:
Chloe:
(entering) Chloe?
erox Place, Ross is trying to
break the trail.]
Ross:
Is this about me
taking your watch?
Hi..
Chloe:
You
took my watch?
Ross:
I'm sorry, I do that.
about us?
Just you keep it, listen did
you, did you tell anyone
Chloe:
y'know.
Oh
no. I feel it isn't really
anybody's business,
Ross:
Issac right?
Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to
Chloe:
Ross:
Oh, well I tell Issac
everything.
Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't
actually met...
You tell, of course you do.
Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac.
Issac:
Ross:
to have a girlfriend.
Y
You dog!
es, I suppose I am a dog. But
Issac, see I-I happen
Issac:
Ross:
Oh
right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.
Issac:
Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I
don't want to hurt her.
love 'em, monogamy is
too cruel a rule.
Oh, hey, man I know,
doesn't matter how much we
Ross:
yourself?
Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information
to
Issac:
each other
Aw, no problem
dude. Y'know we got to look out for
Ross:
Issac:
Actually, no, we're not.
. We're the same, you and me.
Ross:
Issac:
No, we're not.
Yeah,
we are.
Ross:
Issac:
No, we're not!!
Yeah, we are.
Ross:
Issac:
Right.
Okay, we're not.
Ross:
But, we are.
your sister
Fine. I just need to know that
you're not gonna tell
Issac:
[Scene:
Phoebe's W
I c
.
an promise not to tell
her again.
from telling Phoebe.]
ork, Ross
is now tr
Ross:
ying to stop Jasmine
Jasmine:
(entering out of breath) Jasmine?
Ross:
Geller
We
U
met
h-huh.
at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm,
I'm Ross
Jasmine:
.
Ross:
You did a
bad thing!
Jasmine:
Yes, I did.
Ross:
Jasmine:
Ver
Ver
y bad.
y bad!
Ross:
happen to tell Phoebe yet?
I'm
Ver
agreeing
y, very bad.
with you. Did you, listen, did you
Jasmine:
Ross:
girlfriend ver
Okay,
No.
Jasmine, please, please don't. I love
my
work it out with her
y much, and I want
more than anything to just
Jasmine:
. Okay?
Ross:
All right.
Jasmine:
Thank
you, thank you.
But you should probably talk
to my roommate,
24 of 41 Pages
Chandler
statement,
: Y
God only
meant to be tr
unless you've
eah, well I
don't think you can make that
been kicked in
an area
Joey:
threshold of pain than men,
that's all. I mean, c
Yeah, I-I think that
women just
eated nicely.
that
have a
lower
it's just a little wax.
ome on,
Phoebe:
Joey's arm and puts a strip on it.)
Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on
Chandler
Joey:
: Oh, that's mature.
Phoebe:
Okay, fine, so now what, I just
pull it off?
Monica:
Uh-huh.
(Joey
whine.)
laughs,
That's right.
pulls it off, then does a
[Cut to Liv
high-pitched
on Ross.]
ing Room, Rachel
is trying to close the door
Ross:
on! Talk
to me! Please!!
(forcing the door open) Come
on, Rachel, c
ome
[Cut to
Monic
door
a's bedroom, Chandler
Rachel:
, and we hear Rachel fr
right
now
I can't talk to you.
om the
liv
slowly
I can't even
ing
room.]
closes
look
the
Monica:
What?
!
at you
Chandler
Monica:
:
Nothing, nothing.
ever
(going over to
listen at the door) Rachel said
Phoebe:
ything was okay.
Ross:
(to
Joey)
[Cut to Liv
Rachel?
What, what
are they talking about?
Rachel:
ing
Room]
Ross:
Rachel:
No, it was
a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?
Just get
away from me!
Her purse?!
A mistake?!
What were you trying to put it in?
[Cut to
Monica's bedr
Phoebe:
oom]
[Cut to
Liv
Whe-
Rachel:
ing Room]
where did
he put it?!
[Cut
gasp.]
to Monica's
bedroom,
Ross, you had sex w
both
Monic
ith another woman!
a and Phoebe
Monica:
Phoebe:
Oh my God.
because my f
Oh,
Chandler
ingernails did not grow at all
yesterday.
I knew something had to be wrong,
got drunk....
: Yeah, well, I guess they
had a fight, and he
Monica:
guy
Oh!!
(hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You
Chandler
s knew about this and you didn't
tell us?!
heads.
: (to Joey) He has sex,
and we get hit in our
[Cut to
Liv
Rachel:
to leave! Get outta her
(opening the door) Y'know
ing Room]
Ross:
e!
what, I want you
Rachel:
No!!
Ross:
Just get out!
Now!!
Rachel:
No!! No!! I wanna stay. I
wanna talk about this.
[Cut to Monica's
bedr
Okay! All right! How was she?
Chandler: Uh-oh.
oom]
[Cut to
Liv
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
ing Room]
[Cut to Monica's bedr
Was she good?
Joey:
[Cut to Liv
Don't answer
that.
oom]
Rachel:
about it, let's talk
about it!! How
Come
ing Room]
on Ross!
You said you wanted to talk
Ross:
was she?
[Cut to Monica's bedr
She was...
Joey:
oom]
Chandler
Awful!
Horrible!
Joey:
: She was not good. Not
good.
[Cut to Liv
She was nothing compared
to you.
Ross:
[Cut to Monica's bedr
She, she was different.
ing Room]
Joey:
Chandler: Uh-oh.
Ewwwww!
oom]
[Cut to Liv
Rachel:
Ross:
Good differ
ing Room]
ent?
(Rachel
Nobody likes c
with it.)
picks up a newspaper
hange.
and starts
beating him
Ross:
[Cut to Monica's bedr
What?
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Phoebe:
oom]
Chandler
Should we do
something?
: Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.
Season 3
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I wa-I was
disgusted with myself, and this morning I was
so, I
was so upset and then I got your message
and I
was so happy, and all I wanted was to
get her out
of my apartment as fast as
possible.
Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a
minute.
What time did your little friend
leave? (Ross can't
answer that) Oh my God. She
was there? She was
still there? She was in
there, when I was in there?!
(Ross hands
Rachel back the newspaper, and she
starts
beating him with it again.)
Ross: Listen. Oh
hey, hey, the important thing was
that she
meant, she meant nothing to me!
Rachel: And
yet she was worth jeopardising our
relationship!!
(She throws the paper at
him, misses and hits
Monica's door, they all
jump back at the sound.)
Ross: Look, I didn't
think there was a relationship
to jeopardise.
I thought we were broken up.
Rachel: We were
on a break!
Ross: That, for all I knew would,
could last forever.
That to me is a break-up.
Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this
on
a technicality?
Ross: Look, I'm not
trying to get out of anything,
okay. I thought
our relationship was dead!
Rachel: Well, you
sure had a hell of a time at the
wake!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Y'know
what, I don't think we should listen
to this
anymore. (Goes to open the door)
Monica:
(stopping him) What, what are you doing?
You
can't go out there.
Joey: Why not?! (to
Chandler) I'm hungry.
Monica: Because they'll
know we've been
listening.
[Cut to Living
Room]
Rachel: God! And to have to hear about
it from
Gunther!!
Ross: Come on! Like I
wanted him to tell you, I
ran all over the
place trying to make sure that
didn't happen!
Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm
falling in
love with you all over again.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: Y'know
what, I think we can go out
there. I mean they
have more important things to
worry about.
Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.
[Cut to Living
Room]
Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you,
I thought
I should, I-I did, and then Chandler
and Joey
convinced me not to.
[Cut to
Monica's bedroom]
Chandler: (handing Monica
the wax) Wax the
door shut, we're never
leaving, ever.
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone,
they're all still
trapped in Monica's
bedroom.]
Phoebe: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen
someone's gonna
have to take my 9:00 with Mr.
Rehack, 'cause it's
like 9:15 now, and I'm not
there.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Don't
you realise none of this would've ever
happened if I didn't think at that same moment
you weren't having sex with Mark?
Rachel:
All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark.
Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: (pause) Yes I would.
Rachel: You'd
be okay if you knew that Mark had
kissed me,
and been naked with me, and made
love to me?
Ross: (less sure) Yes.
Rachel: You knew
that our hot, sweaty, writhing
bodies were....
Ross: (covering his ears and screaming)
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay,
yeah, I
would have been devastated but, I
would still want
to be with you. Because it's,
I mean it's you.
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
All: Ohhhhh!
[Later, Ross and Rachel are
sitting in the kitchen.]
Ross: What? Come on
Rach, tell me what you're
thinking?
Rachel: I'm thinking, I'm gonna order a pizza.
Ross: Order a pizza like, 'I forgive you?'
(She turns around and glares at him, he turns
away.)
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (makes like
he is
trying to send a telepathic message to
Rachel) Put
olives on the pizza.
Phoebe:
We could eat the wax! It's organic.
Chandler:
Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No,
not the used wax.
Chandler: Because that would
be crazy?
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross: Hey,
can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm
kinda
hungry myself.
Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi!
Yes, I'd like to order
a large pizza.
Ross: No anchovies.
Rachel: With ah, extra
anchovies.
Ross: That's okay, I'll just pick
'em off.
Rachel: Yeah, and could you please
chop some up
and just put it right there in
the sauce?
[Cut to later, they are finishing
up the pizza,
there's one piece left.]
Ross: You can have the last piece, if you
want.
Rachel: Well, I should think so. You
slept with
someone.
[Cut to Monica's
bedroom, they're all eating the wax,
Chandler
and Phoebe, don't like it. Joey tries some and
makes a face like: 'Hey, that's not so bad.']
Phoebe: They're gonna get through this, aren't
they?
Chandler: Yeah, come on, it's Ross and
Rachel, they've
got too.
Monica: What if
they don't?
(Long pause.)
Joey: You think
I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey:
Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since
high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they
walk into
a room and everybody takes notice. I
think I need a 'take
notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting
on the couch,
Ross is on the chair.]
Ross:
What, now you're not even taking to me? (moves
over to the coffee table) Look Rachel, I-I'm
sorry, okay, I'm
sorry, I was out of my mind.
I thought I'd lost you, I didn't
know what to
do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I
have
been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't
cheat
right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Joey: Whoa-ho-
ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a
'come on' look.) Yeah, okay.
Monica: Hey.
It's three in the morning. They don't know
that I've come home yet. You notice how
neither one of
them are wondering where I am.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-
involved.
[Cut to Living Room]
Ross:
Y'know what, y'know what, I'm-I'm not the one that
wanted that, that break, okay. You're the one
that bailed on
us. You're the one that, that
ran when things got just a little
rough!
Rachel: That's....
Ross: That's what?!
Rachel: That is neither here nor there.
Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a
tough spot
again, Rach. What do you want to
do? How do you want to
handle it? Huh? Do you
wanna fight for us? Or, do you
wanna bail?
(sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge
of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid
thing. Okay? And I'm
sorry, I wish I could
take it back, but I can't. (We see
Monica and
Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can't see us
throwing away something we know is so damn
good.
Rachel, I love you so much.
(He
kisses her on her shoulder, then her neck, then
the side
of her face, then just before he
kisses her on the lips....)
Rachel: No Ross!!
(stands up and moves away from him)
Don't! You
can't just kiss me and think you're gonna make
it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that
way. It doesn't
just make it better. Okay?
Ross: Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel: (softly) I
think you should go.
Ross: What?
Rachel:
(softly) I really think you need to go now.
Ross: (moving over to stand in front of her)
Okay, okay.
This morning you said there was
nothing so big that we
couldn't work past it
together...
Rachel: Yeah, what the hell did I
know!
Ross: Look, look, there's got to be a
way we can work past
this. Okay, (takes a hold
of one of her arms.) I can't
imagine, I can't
imagine my life without you. (Both of them
are
starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and
your
face, and this heart. Your good heart
Rach, (drops to his
knees and hugs her around
her waist) and, and....
Rachel: (crying) No. I
can't, you're a totally different
person to me
now. I used to think of you as somebody that
would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now
I just can't
stop picturing with her, I can't,
(Ross stands up and backs
away) it doesn't
matter what you say, or what you do, Ross.
It's just changed, everything. Forever.
[We see the rest of them are now crying.]
Ross: (crying) Yeah, but this can't be it, I
mean.
(Pause)
Rachel: Then how come it
is?
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica's
bedroom.]
Phoebe: They've been quiet for a
long time.
Joey: Maybe she killed him?
Chandler: Let's go.
[Cut to Living Room,
Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross
is gone,
the rest of them can finally emerge from their
cell.
They all wave good bye, and start to
walk quietly out, as
Monica goes and puts a
blanket on Rachel. Joey starts
walking all
hunched over and bobbing his shoulders as he
goes.]
Chandler: (to Joey) Is that your
new walk?
Joey: (whispering) No, I really have
to pee.
End
317 The One Without
The Ski Trip
[Scene: Central Perk,
Chandler and Joey are sitting on the
couch
reading.]
Joey: Can I see the comics?
Chandler: This is the
New York Times
.
Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
[Monica
and Phoebe enter.]
Monica: Guys. I thought you
were taking Ross to the
game?
Chandler: We
are. He's meeting us here.
Monica: No! Rachel
is meeting us here.
Phoebe: Oh come on, they
can be in the same room.
Joey: Yeah, you
shoulda been there last night.
Phoebe: Why?
What happened now?
Joey: Well Ross was hangin'
out over at our place, Rachel
comes over to
borrow some moisturiser from Chandler....
Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say
something?
Rachel came over to borrow
something.
Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just
started yelling at
each other.
Phoebe:
Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He's the
one
who slept with someone else.
Joey: Well, I
guess he says that because they were on
a
break when it happened, that she should of
forgiven
him by now.
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is
soo unreasonable! God,
although I think I
understand what he means. Oh my
God, this is
like
60 Minutes
, okay, when, when, at
first
you're really mad at that pharmaceutical
company for
making the drug and then y'know
you just feel bad for
the people because they
needed to make their hair
grow.
Chandler:
Y'know what this is like? This is like when
my
parents got divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn't try
to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.
Phoebe:
Y'know I had a dream where Ross and
Rachel
were still together, they never broke up. And we
were all just like hanging out, and everyone
was
happy....
Joey: I had the same dream!
Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox
girl.
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Chandler: Y'know what maybe it's gonna be
okay, I
mean it's been a week.
Joey: Yeah,
I mean it's never taken me a week to get
over
a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you
more than a shower to
get over a relationship.
[Rachel enters.]
Monica: (seeing her)
Okay, let's go!! Let's hit the
road!!
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Let's get the show on
it!
Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of
coffee.
Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best
coffee house and
it's sooo close.
Rachel:
Closer than here?
Phoebe: (turning around and
picking a cup off of a
table) Oh, hey, look, I
found coffee! (handing her the
cup) Okay,
let's skedaddle.
Rachel: Wait, I'm not just
gonna drink somebody's old
coffee.
Phoebe:
Okay, your highness.
[Ross enters behind
Rachel, and look at each other for
a moment.]
Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um,
Rachel
I'm really sorry. (imitating Rachel)
That's okay, do you
wanna get back together?
(imitating Ross) Yeah, okay.
(in her normal
voice) Did anyone else hear that?!
Opening
Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole
gang is there,
except for Ross and Rachel.
Joey is trying to eat
Chinese with chopsticks
and fails miserably. There's a
knock on the
door, and Chandler answers it to reveal
Rachel]
Rachel: (softly) Is he here?
Chandler: No.
Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here's
your moisturiser. Hi!
Monica and Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay,
check it
out, Thursday night, five tickets,
Calvin Klein
lingerie
show, and you
guys are coming with me. (they're all
silent
and look away) Okay, I said that out loud right?
Chandler: Yes, yes, it's just that we ah, we
kinda all
ready, made plans with Ross.
Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.
Phoebe: No, it's just that he got this new
like home
theater dealie, and he wants y'know,
us to check it out.
Rachel: Hm-mm.
Chandler: Yeah, he's really excited about it
too, he
even recorded show times on his
answering machine.
Rachel: Ohh!
Monica:
We're sorry honey.
Rachel: Oh, it's okay.
(starts to leave)
Joey: Rach, it's, it's ah,
it's not that we don't want to,
really.
(quietly) Are we talking models in their
underwear?
Rachel: And heels.
Joey:
(He turns around to Chandler looking for
approval to go with Rachel, Chandler mouths
'Come
on!') (turning back to Rachel) Ross, did
ask us first,
and we set that night aside.
Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you
first, that's
only fair. (leaves)
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust
and heads
into the living room.]
Phoebe:
Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Monica: Very bad.
[We see Chandler
lighting up a cigarette.]
Phoebe: Chandler
what are you doing?!
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the
cigarette)
Oh my God!
Joey: You're smoking
again?!
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I
was smoking
again. Today, I'm, I'm smoking
still.
Phoebe: Why would you start again after
chewing all
that quitting gum?
Chandler:
Look, I'm telling you this is just like my
parents divorce, which is when I started
smoking in the
first place.
Monica:
Weren't you nine?!
Chandler: Yeahhh. I'm
tellin' ya something, that ah,
first smoke
after nap time....
[There's a knock on the
door.]
Chandler: Oh that's great, with my
luck, that's gonna
be him.
25 of 41 Pages
Phoebe:
Chandler
Him? Him,
Ross?
Sparrow
: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes
A
re On The
started
(answ
using
! When my parents got divorced is when I
humour
Rachel:
ers the door and it's
Rachel again.)
as a defence mechanism.
weekend?
Hi! U
she
hh, do
you guys have plans for the
weekend and go
skiing. Huh? I'm asking you f
said that
Because
we
I
coul
have
d
use
my sister
her cabin
on hold,
for
and
the
right?!. I mean I'm
playing by the rul
All:
es.
irst,
Rachel:
Absolutely, yeah!
doing?!
Chandler! You're smoking? What are you
Chandler
Mom!!
: Hey, shut up!! You're
not my real
[Scene: Ross's, the gang, minus
Rachel of course,
is
window.]
there.
Chandler is forced to smoke by an open
Joey:
window Chandler? My nipples
(obviously
cold) Hey, can you close
here!
can cut glass over
that
Phoebe:
tickets.
Wait. Really?! 'Cause
mine get me out of
Ross:
really appreciate
you
Look, you guys I just wanna say, I
It's
spending this
really,
wanna
say thanks.
been a pretty hard time right now,
so I
time with me.
just
Chandler
stay by the w
: Can somebody
else hug him? I have to
Ross:
indow.
we
have a laser disc
Oh hey, hey, huh, how about
this weekend
tournament
what do you
think?
on my
marathon okay, and maybe a
new dart board? Huh, huh,
darts, it'll be
great!
(in an Irish accent) Two days of
Joey:
Ross:
It'll be great for next
weekend.
Joey:
No, no, no, this weekend
guys!
an Irish accent) it'll be grrreat.
It'll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in
Ross:
Phoebe:
What's going
on?
skiing,
Well, we were
um,
sorta invited
goes bac
y'know
Ross:
k
to the w
Rachel's
indow to smoke again.)
sister's cabin. (Chandler
to go
Monica:
So, for
f
We're really
sorr
the whole weekend?
Ross:
irst.
y, but um, she did ask us
have to go away
for
Yeah, that's okay, I mean
myself,
y
the f
if you guys all
Phoebe:
'know
irst weekend I'm alone by
'C
Y'know what, I c
then I totally,
totally understand.
an stay, I'm gonna stay.
jump
ause the last time I went skiing I
was to afr
around.
off the chair lift, I
just went around
aid to
and
Joey:
all up ther
Uh, Pheebs we kinda
need you to drive us
what, I'll stay.
e in
your grandmother's cab, but y'know
Monica:
Ross:
Noo! I'll stay. He's my
brother.
Monica:
What a pity
stay
fudge!
No! We're gonna have fun.
W
?
e can make
Ross:
I don't need
any of you to stay, okay nobody stay
Pity
food? Y'know what that's okay, all right,
Chandler
s.
[Scene:
to
shotgun,
the
In Phoebe's Gr
: Well, then, I
might as well offer to stay.
cabin. Phoebe's
andmother's cab, driv
driving,
ing up
back seat.]
Chandler, Monica, and Joey
Rachel's
are
sitting
in the
Joey:
anybody else feel bad about Ross?
(to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does
Monica:
Chandler
Why? Do you think he's
still mad at us?
you called him this morning
to borrow his goggles.
: (to Joey) Well he's
probably mad after
Joey:
[Chandler starts
to light a cigarette.]
What? Mine aren't
tinted.
Phoebe:
Chandler: What?
Chandler!!
Phoebe:
Chandler
What does
the sign say
?
Phoebe:
smoking in
my Grandmother's cab.
No,
: Beam me up
Jesus.
the 'No Smoking' sign. There's no
Chandler
bathroom.
: Okay, well, then,
I-I have to go to the
All:
Phoebe:
Oh!
Monica:
You c
No Chandler no! No
Please!
unscheduled stops.
Chandler
an
go when we stop for gas.
up
ther
:
Joey:
e! C
Oh, come on,
there's a rest stop right
ome on, I really
have to goooooooooo.
[Scene: The rest stop,
Phoebe's pulling in.]
Oh, now I have to go!!
Chandler
Monica: What?
: Here we go.
Okay, brace yourselves.
[Both Chandler and
Joey put their feet up against
the
against the glass.]
glass, Monica doesn't
and gets thrown up
Rachel: Okay.
Monica:
Ow
[Joey
Chandler follows with a cigarette
in his hands.]
gets out
!
and sprints
to the bathroom and
Phoebe:
Aren't you
gonna go?
(to Rachel, who's staying in the
cab.)
Rachel:
Monica:
No. Thank you.
public restr
(getting out) No, Rachel
never pees in
Rachel:
y'know.
W
ooms.
(Phoebe laughs and gets out.)
W
So
ell, they never
my rule is
have any paper in ther
'no tissue, no tuschy.'
e
going. (She gets out and starts to close
the door
ell, if everybody's
Phoebe:
slams
No, y'know what don't
close it (Rachel
.)
'cause the...
keys...ar
the door shut locking themselves
out.)
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!
e
in there.
Joey:
Chandler
What's
going on?
cab)
: (to Joey) My
lighter's in there! (points to the
Commercial Br
[Scene: The
kneeling
at the r
rest stop,
eak
the gang is
still stuck, Chandler is
Chandler
enough to
light this!
: Damn!
ear bumper
(stands
.]
up) The tailpipe's not hot
Joey:
coat hanger?
Relax okay, I-I-I
can get this open. Anybody have a
Chandler
my shirt when I put it on this
morning.
: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I
took it out of
Monica:
able to answer a
question like a nor
So, if you're parents
hadn't got divorced, you'd be
Joey:
hey,
one of you guys give me the under
Look, I just
need a wire something to jimmy
mal person?
it. Oh
Monica:
wire from your bra!
Rachel:
Joey:
What?!
What?!
Monica:
Come on! Who has the biggest
boobs?
Joey:
therefore has the biggest
wire.
Whoever
Please!!
has the
biggest boobs, has the biggest bra,
The
Girls:
Joey:
No, not getting my br
your
c
If you wanna get back in the car
a!
,
we need the wire,
Phoebe:
all.
Monica:
be Rachel.
These
Okay,
Monica's ar
tiny, little
e the biggest.
non-breasts?! Please, it's gotta
Rachel:
mean, I-
What, no, no, no, mine
are dec
Monica:
I-I actually sometimes, st-
stuff my br
eptively
a.
small I
Rachel:
All right then, your bra would
still be big.
Chandler
No, I stuff outside
the br
Phoebe, Rachel take off Monic
:
Ladies, ladies, let's
a.
just compromise
okay?
Phoebe:
mine.
All right, forget
it,
a's bra.
nevermind, you can have
[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and
thr
the ground.]
ows it on
Rachel:
is a tr
(seeing him) Chandler,
what are you doing? There
Chandler
ash
c
might c
:
an right there.
Well, I
thought if I littered, that crying Indian
Phoebe:
ome by and save us.
Joey:
(finishing removing her br
Chandler
Thank
you Phoebe, that is ver
a) Okay, ther
y,
very generous.
e.
Joey:
: Okay, now
let's decide who has the nicest ass.
All:
(opening the door) And there you go!
[They all
Oh, yeahhhhh!!!
smoke.]
Monica:
run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out
a
Chandler
Chandler!!
[Phoebe puts the
car in gear and starts to bac
: At least let me
smoke it to the good part.
Phoebe:
k out.]
a stop.) Oh, no!
Okay. (The car moves a
few feet and sputters to
Rachel:
Phoebe:
What, what's it, what's going on?
Rachel:
Phoebe:
So you know how to
f
Yeah, this has happened before.
[Scene:
dinner for Susan as there is a knoc
Carol
Yep. Put mor
and Susan's,
e gas in.
ix it?
Carol is setting a romantic
Carol:
Ross:
(answering the door) Hi!
k on the door.]
Carol:
(entering) Hey.
Ross:
Hey, what are you doing here?
and
Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when
you
episode of
I split
Carol:
M*A*S*H
up, did you
and half
the hostages coming home?
get the tape that
was half the last
the hostages coming home.
Ah yeah, but now it's Susan and me in Mexico
and
Ross:
Carol:
Where's Ben?
Ross:
bad time?
Ahh.
He's
sleeping.
(notices the table) Ooh, is this a
ah, is this a
Carol:
minute, it's kinda an
anniversar
Umm, yeah, actually, Susan's
gonna be home any
Ross:
Carol:
Oh!
I thought you guys got married in uh, Januar
y.
y?
Ross:
Carol:
Ah! (realises) Oh.
It's not that kind of anniversary.
Ross:
great. 'Cause you know love lasts
for
Umm, c
Sooo!! A
andles, champagne,
yeah anniversaries ar
nyway...
e
like
it in this lifetime, money
ever, y'know.
Nothing
broke up.
in the bank, so Rachel
and I
Carol:
Ross:
Oh God, Ross I am so
sorry.
Carol:
Yeah, well.
much,
Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so
get into it, are you free for dinner
but we
should probably do it when we could r
Ross:
tomorrow night?
eally
Carol:
Oh yeah,
I'd love that.
Ross:
Oh, gr
(he sits
dow
I guess it all started when Rac
eat! Me
too.
hel got this new job.
[Scene:
n at
the table.)
club.]
Phoebe:
The
rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor
pick us up.
Okay, yeah. (to Monica and
Rachel) Triple A can
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Great!
Monica:
Phoebe:
Freemont.
West-W
Yeah, what town ar
estmont, ah
W
e we near?
you at least know w
(to
Monica) Then why are you
estburg?
answering? Do
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Y
hat route we're on?
27. Okay.
Okay.
(on phone) W
eah, we are definitely on Route
27.
Rachel) Okay, either 93 or 76?
(to
Rachel) There
e are at a r
is no Route
est stop on Route
27. (listens) (to
Rachel:
when we drove up here.
I don't
know, I'm sorry, I always slept in the back
Phoebe:
up and down 76 and chec
Okay.
(on phone) Hey, can you send somebody
93?
(listens) Okay
k every rest stop, and, and also
Rachel:
! (hangs up) Yeah, no they don't do
that.
Monica:
U
Who? I mean have you
seen a car c
gh, okay, well somebody will come
and save us.
ome by here
26 of 41 Pages
Season 3
in the last hour and a half? I
think we shoul
maybe he can get a
c
Rachel:
we will just have to live her
No! No, I am
ar and come pic
not getting in
a
k us up.
d call Ross,
car with Ross,
Phoebe:
e!
Rachel:
him, you'll have
to think of something else.
No you
But
if...
guys, I am not getting in a car with
Phoebe:
[Joey walks up helping Chandler
Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are
bac
Monica:
.]
k.
Joey:
So the
going for help went well?
highway and
collapsed.
Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half
way to the
Chandler
(starts to light
another cigarette.)
: I have the lung capacity
of a two year old.
Monica:
Chandler
Then why are you smoking?
[Scene: Carol
: Well it's ver
Carol made for
and
Susan's,
y unsettling.
Ross is eating the
dinner
Ross:
y'know,
....right? Right?
I
Susan.]
looking bac
I mean they just
took off, took off
mean it's pretty
unbelievable
without even
I've got you
guys now as friends, you and Susan.
k. Y'know
I don't, I don't need them, huh,
Carol:
[Ross's beeper goes off
Ah,
Susan will be so pleased.
Ross:
717?
(looking at the
.]
take
(He gets up to
retur
page) 717?
n the page, Carol starts to
(to Carol) Where's
grabs
the
for
Susan right?
the
last
last
of
piec
the
e.) Hey, you've
food into
the
have mor
kitchen,
e of
but
these
Ross
Carol:
something.
No. But it's okay, I'll just put out pickles or
[Cut to the
anxiously by the phone as it
rings.]
rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are
waiting
Phoebe:
thank God.
(answering the phone) (whispering) Ross,
Ross:
Phoebe:
Pheebs? What, why are you
whispering?
[Rachel starts to walk up.]
I
ate a bug.
Monica:
tampons here ar
(running over to stop Rachel) Hey
her into the
bathroom)
e only a penny. Let's stock up.
(takes
Rach, the
Phoebe:
know
wher
Listen Ross, we r
Ross:
e we are,
so we can't get a tow truc
an out of gas, and
we don't
Phoebe:
Oh, now you want a
favour?
k.
Ross:
Yes, please.
but
I'm a
Well, oh, I'm sorry your car broke down
Pheebs,
right now, but please call to let me
know you got home
little too busy with some of
my real friends
safely okay
Carol:
from
(running
?
over
(Hands Ross
Ross) (on phone)
and
Phoebe,
grabbing
hang
the
on
phone
a
away
your friends.
her keys)
Here, take my car, go
second.
pick up
Ross:
Carol:
No, I'm not gonna
pic
you'r
Listen, we both know you're gonna
do it 'cause
k them up.
a half hour and
then go pick them up, or
e not a jerk. Okay? So
you can either sulk her
time and sulk in the
c
save us both
e for
Ross:
ar.
Carol:
No, Rachel doesn't want me to....
'cause she fell in love with that Mark guy,
and you ar
Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel
dumped you
the innocent victim in all of this,
but don't punish your
e
friends for what
Rachel did to you.
Ross:
Carol:
Yeah, you'r
wants
(on phone)
e right.
Phoebe hang on a second Ross
Ross) You
slept w
to say something. (listens) What?
(listens) (to
Ross:
We wer
We were on a
break!!! Okay
ith someone else?!
!! (grabs
the phone)
you? I'll f
e, we were...,
(calms down) yeah. Where are
Carol:
ind
you. (hangs up)
Ross:
You slept with
another woman?
[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is
making a sign.]
Oh, you-you're-you're one to
talk.
Joey:
Monica:
Okay, done.
Joey:
helicopters can read it from the air!
That's
(reading the sign) What's 'pleh'?
'help' spelled backwards so that the
Monica:
[Ross drives up.]
Huh. What's
doofus spelled backwards?
Rachel:
Ugh!!!
(all excited) Op, op, car! Car!!
(sees it's Ross)
Phoebe:
Chandler and
Joey
Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives!
Phoebe: Hi!
: Hey!!
Rachel:
Ross:
stepping
He
What
is he doing here?!
is saving your butt, ah,
unless of c
mosey
on
ourse I'm
Interstate.
on, I've
some toes
got
plenty
here,
of
in which
people
case I
to help
can
on
just
the
All:
Rachel:
No! Come on!
[Ross
through Joey's sign destr
grabs
All right!! F
the gas
ine! F
can
ine.
Joey:
oy
he
ing
it.]
brought along, and walks
Chandler
Arrrghh!!
Phoebe:
what
here?
do we
:
(to Chandler
Oh no, now it's not gonna make any sense!
do about Ross w
and Monic
ho dr
a)
ove
You
all
guys, what,
the
way up
we'r
What do we do? Just like send
him back and
Chandler
e then gonna go
skiing?
Joey:
: Oh, this is horrible, it's
just horrible.
along?
Guys, do you think
we should ask Ross to c
Monica:
ome
we even gonna ask her?
I know, what about
Rachel? I mean how are
Rachel:
Monica:
Ask me what?
skiing?
Umm, if ah, it might
be okay if Ross came
Chandler
ask you
that, no.
, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn't
gonna
Rachel:
come.
You guys are
unbelievable. No! He cannot
Season
3
Ross: Excuse me?
Chandler: It's
horrible.
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can't I
come to your
special, magical cabin?
Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross?
You're a horrible skier.
Ross: Oh-oh,
hitting me where it hurts, my ski
skills.
Monica: Here we go again.
Joey: I-I can't
handle this, you guys.
Chandler: Y'know what,
I can handle it, handle's
my middle name.
Actually it's the ah, middle part
of my first
name.
Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab's
ready.
Rachel: All right, let's go!
Ross:
You're welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were
you speaking to me
or sleeping with someone
else?
Ross: We were on a break!
Rachel:
Y'know Ross why don't you put that on
your
answering machine!
Ross: Hey-hey, it's valid
okay? And I'm not the
only one who thinks so,
Monica agrees with me.
hard watching them go,
y'know?
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the
door, turns out the
lights, and runs back to
the bedroom)
Ross: (outside the door) So I'm
gonna take off then!
End
318 The One
With The Hypnosis Tape
[Scene: Central
Perk, all but Chandler are there, Joey
laughs
for no apparent reason.]
Monica: (to Joey)
What's so funny?
Joey: Oh, nothing, no. It's
an acting exercise, I'm
practising my fake
laugh.
Monica: Oh. (she laughs)
Joey:
What-what's so funny?
(Chandler enters with a
cigarette.)
Gunther: (to Chandler) Oh, no-no,
no-no-no, there's none
of that in here.
Chandler: Oh come on man! At least let me
finish this last
one.
Gunther: Okay, but
only if you give me a drag.
Chandler: Okay.
(Chandler hands him the cigarette, and he
takes a long
Alice: And he was my best
student.
Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.
Alice: Ohhh. (They embrace in a very
passionate kiss.)
Chandler: If that doesn't
keep kids in school, what
will?
Ross: And
so now you guys are gonna be married?
Alice:
Yeah. Y'know we-we talked about just living
together, but um, we want to have kids right
away.
(Both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked
looks on
their faces.)
Rachel: Oh my
God!! Great!
Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you
sure you're ready
for that?
Frank: I mean,
how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean,
y'know,
babies, y'know who doesn't want babies right?
And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around,
and ah,
now-now I always will, 'cause y'know,
it'll be me.
Right?
Alice: Y'know, I mean,
really we do realise that there's
an age
difference between us.
Phoebe: Oh good! Okay.
'Cause you were acting like
you didn't.
Alice: Oh no, but when it comes to love, what
does
Rachel:
Monica:
(to Monica) What?!
Ross:
(shyly) I don't know.
Monica:
That's what you said last night.
Joey's the one w
What I said was, was that
I understood.
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay.
ho agreed with you!
Joey:
Phoebe:
(pause) What?
Really Joey?
right or wrong,
here.
Y'know what,
but there is,
there is no
Rachel:
here.
No, I think
it's very obvious who's wrong
Ross:
[They
all turn around and look at Joey.]
Obviously
not to Joey.
Joey:
[They all start
f
(pause) What?
Ross:
ighting with each
other.]
the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
(to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel
Chandler
dancing around in an effort to
stop the f
: Guys, guys, guess who I am?!
(starts
[They
start f
stop briefly to
look at Chandler,
ighting.)
but then
Phoebe:
ighting again.]
stop f
Hey!
Hey
! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all
what
you're
ighting, Chandler
stops)
doing
to Chandler!!
continues to dance.) Look
this is r
(to Ross
(Chandler finally
starts to leave) Y
eally, really hard for
you guys. Okay
and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know
to love each other
ou don't, all right you
don't have
? (Ross
have to like each other
muc
, okay? You don't, you don't even
you
other
have to figure out a way to
h
right now. But please,
be around each
Joey:
.
Phoebe:
Yeah, and not put
us in the middle.
that's just it for us
hanging out together
Yeah, otherwise, I mean
that's, that's,
that what you want?
.
Y'know is
you be civil?
(they both look
away) Can
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross:
Phoebe:
I can.
car
unsupported.
, 'cause
Okay.
Good, all right, let's get back in the
it's
freezing, and my chest is
Joey:
are we
doing? Who's going w
Oh what, wait, wait a
second, I mean, what
Ross:
tries to say
something, but Ross cuts him off
Look, you
guys, you guys should go. (Joey
ith who?
I'm, you, you planned this all out, and I
don't want
.) No,
to ruin it, so you
guy
Joey:
here.
Come on man, you
s
should just go.
drove all the way up
Ross:
anyway, I'm spending all day
No,
no, really, I've got to take the car back
It's
f
tomorrow with Ben,
Rachel:
ine, no
guilt I promise.
Monica:
Thank you.
Ross:
All right, we'll c
Phoebe:
Okay.
all you when we get back.
something.
Maybe we can like go to a movie or
Ross:
Phoebe:
Okay.
Ross:
Or
Phoebe: Okay
That w
, or the rodeo!!
ould be great.
Chandler
Poseidon
Adventure
: I was
!
being Shelly
Ross:
.
Winters from
The
[They
all get in the c
I know!
Phoebe:
ab and
drive away.]
[Ross
batter
tries
Bye!!!
to start the truck, and discovers
the
Closing Credits
y's dead.]
[Scene:
answer the door
Carol and Susan's, Carol is
running to
Carol:
.]
(opening the door)
Ross!
(looking through the peephole) Ugh.
Ross:
sleeping?
(entering) Hi! Sorr
y I'm late. Were you
Carol:
Ross:
whole new batter
Oh,
Ahh,
nooo!!
great! Listen, oh I had to
'cause
that's not where you want to skimp.
y. I got
you the best one I could,
get you a
Carol:
Ross:
the hell, just call it an
even 110?
Yeah, well it c
You're a
genius, Ross.
ame to about $$112, but what
Carol:
out the door)
Okay, I'll
Ross:
pay you tomorrow. (pushes him
Carol:
Okay.
Ross: So
Okay, bye!!
they ah, they all took off, it was pretty
drag.)
Gunther
smokey tit. (hands
Chandler
: Oh dark mother, once again I suckle
at your
Chandler
(He goes and sits down
next to Rac
: No-no, why don't you hang on to
that one.
back the cigarette.)
in his
mouth, which Rachel takes away
hel and puts a
cigarette
another
again.)
cigarette in
his mouth, and Rachel
from him. He puts
takes
Chandler
it away
Rachel:
something that
W
: Okay,
that's like the least fun game ever
ell, I'm
really sick of your smoking, so I brought
.
audio c
Chandler
assette)
is going to
help you quit. (hands him an
like
patch
the stop
: Oh. (takes the c
smoking patc
assette and puts it on his arm
laughs.)
is no good. (Joey and
h, and
Monic
it
a
falls
both
off.)
Nope,
do their fake
that
Rachel:
work used it for
Come
since.
two weeks straight and she hasn't
smoked
on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at
Ross:
Rachel:
Pffhah.
Ross:
(to
Ross) What's your problem?
Rachel:
Nothing, it's just that hypnosis is beyond
cr
City.
Ross, I watched you get
hypnotised in Atlantic
ap.
Ross:
Rachel:
Hey, that guy did not
hypnotise me! Okay.
at
cheeks.
the
c
Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants
down
ount of three and play Wipe-out on your
butt
Phoebe:
smoking is you have to dance
naked in a f
All right, y'know forget
hypnosis. The way to quit
and then bath in the
sweat of six healthy young men.
ield of
heather,
Chandler
Opening Credits
: Or
what my Father called Thursday night.
[Scene:
handing Rachel a c
Central Perk,
continued from earlier, Ross is
Ross:
up of coffee.]
Rachel:
Here
you go.
Ross:
off of the top w
Sorr
Oh, y'know what, I didn't want cinnamon on this.
y. (To remedy
Frank:
ith his
hand.)
that, Ross
scoops the cinnamon
Phoebe:
(entering) Hi!
Frank:
Oh
my God!!
Phoebe:
Hi!
Frank:
Frank! Hi!
Phoebe:
How are you?
Frank:
phone number
Oh, well y'know, I
woul
What are you doing her
d've
e?
called but I lost your
house so I couldn't
f
and then ah, my Mom locked me out of the
phone, and ah, the r
ind it. And then, I
tried to find a pay
Phoebe:
Frank:
Phoebe:
Ah, oh, the
ah, vandalism.
What happened?
eceiver was
cut off. So...
Mom?
But, also, what
happened between you and your
Frank:
to immature to get married.
Well, we got
into a fight 'cause ah, she said I was
Phoebe:
Frank:
You're getting married?!
All:
Phoebe:
Wow
Oh, yeah!
Frank:
hey, do you want to meet her?
Oh,
My little brother's getting married!!
!
I knew you'd be so cool about this. All
right, ah,
Phoebe:
Frank:
Phoebe:
Do
you?
Do I?
Frank:
(to
man!
Joey
Okay, cool, all right, she just ah,
par
Yeah, I do, yeah.
) I'm gonna, I'm
gonna get my ah, my
king the truck.
fianc閑
Chandler
be the f
: Y'know, I would've
bet good money that he'd
Phoebe:
irst one
of us to get married.
Monica:
young to get
married?
Y
Y
eah, ah, but Pheebs don't
you think he's a little
eah, isn't it
fantastic?
Phoebe:
Ross:
bachelor party.
Ex
What, he's 18.
actly, it'll be
illegal for him to drink at his own
Joey:
Chandler
Yeah, or-or to get a
hooker.
Frank:
: Always illegal Joe.
much, much older
(entering with his
fianc閑 Alice, who is obviously
f
Alice:
ianc閑
about you, but
your
Y'know
, Mrs. Knight. (he points out
Phoebe to her)
than he is) Hey! Hey! This is
ah, my
it-it's funny, um, Frank told me so
much
Phoebe:
(Ross lets them both
sit in his chair
Yeah, I'm a big surprise.
not how I pictured you at all.
Monica:
.)
Frank:
So, um, how-how
did you guys meet?
sorr
class.
y,
Alice, I
Well um, I was in ah Mrs. Knight's
ah, I mean Alice,
always do that. I was in her
ah, Home Ec
27 of 41 Pages
age
matter?
(They both growl and hiss at eac
passionately again.)
h other and then kiss
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler
the hypnosis tape.]
is listening to
Hypnosis Tape:
Deeper
don't need to
smoke. C
. Deeper. You
Y
ou are
falling
are now completely asleep.
fast
asleep. Deeper
You
.
are a strong,
conf
smoke. A str
ident woman, who does not
need to
igarettes don't control you. You
[Scene:
Rachel is having lunch.]
The
ong, conf
Moondance
ident woman.
Diner, Monica is working,
Monica:
year
Julio. You gotta help me out here, you gotta
set me up,
I've onl
And y'know what, I
just
y gone out with two guys,
realised,
Ric
in
hard
the
and
last
you gotta get me
bac
Rachel:
k in the game.
work in
fashion and all I meet ar
Well, that shouldn't
be
Monica:
something else?
(to a
customer) Pete,
e eligible straight men.
a
problem. I mean I
can I get you
Pete:
you'r
Yeah, a slice of cheesecake
and-and a date if
Monica:
e given' 'em out.
Pete:
Haven't you and I c
Monica:
Hmm, come on, you just said to her that you....
overed that topic?
me bec
Aww, the
onl
fact that I ser
ause my blond w
y
reason you want to go out with
Pete:
And
Well, if that were true, I'd dating my Aunt
Ruth.
ve you food.
ig, and the big boobs,
and the
awkward.
the two
go out
w
(to Rachel)
times
Come
we went
on, you
out were
think she
just
should
plain
Rachel:
to go out
w
(laughs) W
ith me, don't you?
ell, I
mean, are you sure you want
the
disarray,
and boobs flung over the night stand,
y
morning,
ith her? I mean that ain't a
pr
y'know what I mean. That
etty picture in
wig all in
Monica:
'know.
Pete:
I mean really, think about it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey
ar
Ho-ho, I will.
lectured by
Phoebe.]
e being
Phoebe:
(walks
No,
I know,
I know, that this is Frank's
life,
chairs to face her) y
behind them,
they turn around in the leather
all
w
judgmental, y'know,
'know. Y'know, I
don't want to be
but this is sick, it's sick
and
Ross:
rong!
Phoebe:
Pheebs,
what, is it the age thing?
until
brother's
throat!
it starts
No-no, oh, I'm
f
sticking it's
ine w
tongue
ith the
age thing y'know,
down my little
Joey:
Phoebe:
Pheebs, he seems to enjoy
it.
when he's up to his elbows in the
diapers from all the
But, I mean, do you
think he's gonna enjoy it
babies they have to
have right away?! This is not fair to
Frank,
turn to follow her) and it-it's not
fair
(she walks behind them again, and hey
again
y'know what, it's not good home
economic
to the babies, and
Joey:
Phoebe:
Well, have-have you told
him how you feel?
s.
Ross:
married, and
then you're gonna hate yourself.
Pheebs, if
you don't tell hi
Yes. Not out loud.
m,
soon he's gonna be
Phoebe:
hate myself. I
mean look at hi
Yeah, but if I do tell him,
then he's
(pause) But, you guys
out of it.
can, please you
m and his Mom, I can't.
gonna
gotta talk him
Ross and
Joey:
away, but Phoebe stops them, and turns
them back to
No-no-no-no-no. (They start to
turn
face her
Phoebe:
.)
I
ever
have
Ross and Joey:
ything?
Ever
ever
Come on, you guys, you have
nothing to lose,
ything
ything?!
to lose. Do you want me to lose
Phoebe:
Joey:
Okay, I'm gonna go get
Frank. (exits)
No.
you and I say,
“Hey, let's go hang out at T
So, we're walking
down the street and I turn to
Nudes,
otally
Nude
me
Well, that was a nice move dumb
ass.
and
” remember? And then,
say,
“Nah, let's just hang
and
out
then,
you turn to
[Scene: Monica
entering.]
and Rachel's, Rachel and
Monic
at your place.”
a are
Rachel:
guy.
I think you should
def
initely go out with this
Monica:
Rachel:
on
Monica,
Nah, he doesn't do anything for me.
last
Saturday
Monica:
Walker: Texas
Ranger
night, what happened
bus load of
kids.... (realises) All right, I get your
Well, umm, Walker was
?
looking for this
big
Rachel:
Chandler
All right.
point.
Monica: Hey.
: (entering, carrying
a briefcase) Hi.
Season 3
Chandler:
Y'know, I forgot the combination to
this about
a year ago? I just carry it around. Do
you
have any Chap Stick?
Monica: Uh, yeah.
Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out
for
ya?
Chandler: Y'know what, pretty
good.
Rachel: Yeah?
Chandler: Good! I
haven't smoked yet today, I
feel great, and-
and-and confident, that is a
stunning blouse.
Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: Here you go.
Chandler: Thanks
Rachel: Hey Mon, let's
give Pete a chance Come
on, he was funny, he
seems really nice, and that
check thing was
adorable.
Chandler: What check thing?
Monica: As a joke, this customer at work who
has
a crush on me gave me a $$20,000 tip. His
number
is on the check, he just did so I'd
call him.
Chandler: (reading the check) Pete
Becker. Pete...
(quickly grabs a magazine and
opens it up to show
her a picture) (pointing
to the picture) Is this him?
Phoebe: Y'know
what, forget it. It's ruined.
Alice: Oh no-
no, never say that. If we can't get it out then
we can cut around the stain, add a little
lace, you make a
stylish throw.
Phoebe: Or
instead, maybe you could just not marry my
brother Frank.
[Scene: Pete's office, he
is participating in a conference call
with
three other employees, each of whom are on a
different TV screen that he controls with a
remote.]
Pete: Okay, that's great, but can we
make it smaller? Can
we make it fit on the
head of a pin? I love when we make
things fit
on the head of a pin.
All: Got it. Yeah all
right. Yeah, okay.
(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: You have a Miss Monica Geller here.
Pete: Uh, absolutely, yeah, sEnd her in.
(Monica enters)
Hi.
Monica: What the hell
is this? (holding up the check)
Pete: Hang on
a second. (to the employees) I'll-I'll talk to
you in the morning. (turns two of the three
off) I'm sorry
what?
Monica: Seriously,
what is this supposed to mean?
Pete: Well,
y'know, I never know how much to tip.
Monica:
You're supposed to double the tax. Not double
faces.)
Joey: Hey, how much cash do you
got in your pocket
right now?
Monica: And
that's why, I'm not inviting you in for a
drink. (starts to leave) Bye.
All: Oh-no-
no-no-no....
Rachel: Just one drink?!
Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want
to
go?
Pete: Hey, you like pizza?
Monica: Oh, that's sounds great.
Pete: I
know a great little place.
[Cut to a shot of
the coliseum in Rome, Italy.]
[Scene: A
restaurant in Rome, Monica is paying for the
pizza.]
Pete: You're, hey, you're not
paying for the pizza!
Monica: Oh come on, it's
only fair, you paid for the
flight. Now is, is
that enough lire?
Pete: Ahh, I'd throw another
thousand on that.
Monica: Why, how much is
that?
Pete: That's about 60 cents.
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, it's the middle of the
night. Joey is walking into the living room,
and runs
into the entertainment centre.]
Monica:
Chandler
That's Bill
C
Monica:
huggin' Pete?
Oh my God!
That's Pete! But why
: Who's he
huggin'?
linton.
is Bill
Chandler
off
: This
guy
invented Moss 865! Ever
Rachel:
ice in the
world uses that program!
y
Chandler
W
Rachel:
:
e use it!!
There you
go!!
millionaire.
Oh my God, Monica's
gonna go out w
Monica:
ith a
Rachel:
$$20,000 chec
Oh my God, I
I'm not gonna go out with hi
can't believe this
m.
is a
Monica:
Rachel:
Or
incr
k, oh this is just so exciting.
real
edibly offensive.
(Chandler
Oh yeah,
sure, that too.
way that women
is putting
with the piece of tissue.)
put
on
on
the Chap Stic
lipstick, including
k the
the
same
Chandler
What?
[Scene: Chandler
: (to the girls who
bit
are
staring at him)
talking to F
and Joey's,
Ross and Joey are
Ross:
rank.]
Joey:
A
okay, she's 44, when you're 36,
she's gonna be 88.
Yeah,
ll we're saying
is don't rush into anything.
come on, think
about it. You're 18,
Frank:
Joey:
out
there you haven't even had sex with yet!
Look,
What, you don't think I know that?
the
point is, there's a lot of women
Ross:
time
weird, chic
y'know,
Yeah, he-he's
right, he's right. This is your
yeah,
you're young, you're-you're
Frank:
one
person that you r
Okay,
ks dig that.
but isn't sex better when it's with
Joey:
Ross:
Yeah, in a poem maybe.
eally, really care about.
Rachel.
No
the man's right, that's what I had with
Frank:
Ross:
You don't have it anymore?
Frank:
No, I ah, I slept with someone
else.
make things better?
Okay, so wait,
all right, so how does that
Ross:
Frank:
It didn't.
Rachel, is what I've
got w
Okay, so what you used to have with
Joey:
Frank:
Now, wh-
ith Alice.
being
It's so
what, what is that
like?
cool man, it's so, it's
being
with her
with her is so much better
just
'cause
Ross:
.
than like not
Joey:
Y
Ross:
(to Ross) Why
c
eah, yeah.
an't I find that?
Joey:
Don't ask me, I had it and I blew
it!
Frank:
Well, I want it!
Joey:
there's something wrong w
I don't
know, maybe I can't. I mean, may
You can have
it!
be
Ross:
ith me.
Frank:
Oh,
no! No!
Joey:
It's out there man! I've
seen it! I got it!!
Frank:
Then you hold
on to it!!
Joey:
All right, man!!
(hugs hi
All right, c
[Scene: Chandler
m)
ongratulations you lucky bastard!
Joey's talk w
and Joey's, it's after Ross
and
what happened.]
ith Frank, and
Phoebe's is finding out
Phoebe:
Joey:
(to Joey) You're Frank's best man?!
Phoebe:
I couldn't help it, there love is
so pure.
Huh?!
Well then, (to Ross) what
about you?!
Ross:
(As
Chandler
c
Phoebe
I'm the ring bear
stands there
er.
in shock and disbelief,
his
bedroom. He's just got out of the shower and
omes out of the bathroom and walks to
has
the towel wrapped around hi
his
head,
chest, and another
mself high across
Chandler wondering w
like women wear
towel wrapped
towels. Joey
around
watches
his
Commercial Break
hat
the hell he's doing.)
[Scene: Phoebe's,
Phoebe is openi
Phoebe:
ng the door.]
could come, 'cause I've got a r
Hi! Oh,
Alice, hi! Thanks. I'm so glad you
emergenc
eal umm, Home Ec
huge mustard
stain on it.)
y. (Points to the table cloth,
which has a
Alice:
Phoebe:
Oh my God,
w
mustard-tastr
Yeah,
ho died on
this?!
I know. It's a
Alice:
club
Absolutely. Okay, f
ophe. Can you help me?
real
irst we'll start w
we can go back
to...
soda and salt, and then if that doesn't
wor
ith a little
k
the
you, are you
tr
tax of Romania. I mean, what's-
to go out
with you?
ying to buy me? Is this the way you
get girls
what's the deal? Are
Employee:
Pete:
Bec
(turns
Umm, I'm still her
off the TV) You'r
e.
e taking this all
dow
ause, if I didn't
leave you that tip, you wouldn't of c
wrong.
there wouldn't be this ah, heat between us.
n here, we wouldn't be having this argument,
ome
and
Monica:
Pete:
What?!
is
chef, and I was the customer
hitting
a
Come on, you gotta admit that our r
new
level now. 'Cause you used
elationship is ah,
to be like
couple that f
, and now
we're like this-this
the
Monica:
ights.
Pete:
like you. I think you'r
Look,
Okay, umm, you're a loon.
forget the
check, okay. (rips up the
chec
Monica:
Pete:
I don't know.
e
great. Come on, what do you say
k) I
?
Monica:
Why not?
behaviour
'Cause
I don't want to encourage this kind of
Pete:
out, we eat, and if you don't have a
good time, I give you
One meal! That's
.
all I'm asking for. Please? We go
ten
gr
[Scene: Phoebe's,
and, we call it even.
lights, and sits dow
she is coming home.
She turns on
Frank:
screaming.) W
(hiding under a pile of clothes) Hi. (She jumps up
n on the couch.]
the
Phoebe:
the
dark?
Okay. W
ait, no! Just put the mail
down. It's-it's me!
hoa, sorr
Frank:
good, that I thought I'd curl up in
it. Is that all right?
Oh well,
y.
Why were you just like all in
um, your, your
laundry just smelled so
Phoebe:
Frank:
been alive.
Oh,
Oh, yeah, sur
well just probably
e. So, how
was your
the worst
day?
one since I've
Phoebe:
Frank:
Phoebe:
Umm, Alice
ah, she ah, called it off
What umm, what
happened?
Frank:
Oh no. Did umm, did she
say w
.
but I don't see how I could all of
the sudden be too young,
Uh, no, not really,
just that I was too young, y'know,
hy?
'cause I'm older than I was when we
f
Phoebe:
irst got together.
what, maybe
it's just all for the best?
Yeah, yeah, no, I
don't, I don't know. But, y'know
Frank:
Phoebe:
Yeah, if the best is
like unbelievable pain!
Frank:
f
then
irst time in my life! After my Dad
Y'know, I
Oh, sweetie, oh. (hugs him)
just was finally happy y'know. For
the
and
really
then
getting
the whole
arrested for
punctur
stealing
left me,
ed lung
those
thing!
birds,
and then, and
I can,
and
it's
then,
Alice
all that stuff kinda went away. And now it's, and
now
hard to take deep breaths in cold
weather, but with
still
it's gone and I
don't know
Phoebe:
me.
Okay?
But,
y'know
Uh, well I
what, I
can tell
you w
why!
only did
hy. It's,
it
because I
it's because of
Frank:
love you.
Phoebe:
What?
and
together
I sort
Umm, well I, I kinda
had a little chat with Alice,
really, really
w
, y'know. And you'r
of made her see why
you two shouldn't be
Frank:
Phoebe:
Wait a minute, wait, this is bec
ill.
e
gonna see it to, one day, you
ause of you?
Frank:
Okay.
together
Well, you,
wait no, my Mother didn't want us to be
porch.
, but the worst thing she ever
Phoebe:
did was tie me to the
Frank:
thought
you'd understand! O
Wait,
Okay, but.
y'know what, I-I came to you because
out
of her
h no!! Y'know, I would storm
I
go...
e right now if-if I had some money,
or a place to
[Scene:
ready
Monica and
Rachel's, Rachel is getting Monica
buzzes.]
for her date. The guys are also
there. The door
Rachel:
Chandler
Oh my God! The millionair
all around)
: (in
a feminine way) Oh my God! (and he jumps
e's
here!
Monica:
him. Okay
Guys,
please, I'm just gonna have
Chandler
?
dinner with
does not mean
you owe him anything.
:
Okay, okay,
just because he buys you dinner,
Monica:
Chandler
I
know
Monica:
Pete:
(opening the door)
(to Pete) Hey
: Okay, then get the lobster!
!!
Rachel:
Hi.
!
Joey:
Hi!!
Ross:
Hey!
(They're
Hi!
all staring at him, with big, huge smiles on
their
28 of 41 Pages
Joey:
(He
hy
starts
Every
to
night!!
walk
to the bathroom
Hypnosis
pnosis tape from Chandler's bedroom.)
and
Cigar
Tape: You do not
hears the
conf
strong, conf
ident
ettes
w
don't
oman,
control
who does
you.
not
You
need
need
are
to
to
a
smoke.
smoke.
strong,
A
(Joey walks out smiling to
hi
ident woman, who does not need to smoke.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is watc
mself.)
depressed as Phoebe enters.]
hing TV, and
he's very
Phoebe:
I did like this totally
evil thing, but I so didn't. Ther
Hey, Frank.
Look, okay, I know that you think
someone
her
e's
Alice:
Frank:
Hi Frank.
e who can explain this better than I can.
Alice:
but it would've been wrong to go
through w
Phoebe's
Hi, Mrs. Knight.
right Frank. I know it's hard to hear,
was
being self
things now,
that it, is that
what it is?
in
ish, even though we, we
want the same
ith it. I-I-I
the future we
may not. (to Phoebe) Is
Phoebe:
Alice:
Yeah, but not just that.
each other as much as
we do, none the less...
Right, not just that.
Umm, even though we love
Phoebe:
Alice:
really
None
None the less.
passionate kiss.)
know
the
what
less. Umm, you're
you
want. (They
too young to, to
embrace in a
Phoebe:
a good bye kiss, that's good.
(
That's right, exactly. (sees them) All
right, it's
they move to the c
on
ouch)
Bye-bye. (
Frank picks Alice up and
important thing is that
the couch and
start
They both lie down
just y'know,
you see
to make out.) Okay, no, the
Okay, I've
this is clearly wrong.
what
I'm say
(They ignor
ing, y'know,
can
moans) Okay, all right, good. (leaves) .
I
just
decided I'm
get my purse?
gonna
(She
let
reaches
this happen!
Okay,
e her)
in and Alice
Closing
Credits
[Scene:
hy
Hypnosis
Tape:
pnosis tape again.]
Chandler's
bedroom, he's listening to the
a
smoke.
strong, confident
Cigarette's
don't control you. You ar
woman, who does not
need to
e
Joey:
best friEnd. You want
to make hi
(He's rec
orded his voice
on the tape) Joey's your
ever
hundreds of
dollars worth of pants.
yday. (he laughs) And
you also want
m a cheese sandwich
to buy
him
(Chandler wakes up and star
End
es at the tape.)
319
The One With The Tiny T-shirt
[Scene:
coffee.]
Central Perk, Gunther
is pouring Rachel
Gunther
Rachel:
: Here
you go.
Gunther
Thank you.
you'd like
to go to a mov
: (In his head)
Say Rachel,
I was wondering if
lover! Nnnsch, too out
there.
ie w
get something to eat w
Maybe
ith me sometime. A
you'd just like to
s
my
Mark:
ith me sometime? As my
lover
ah,
.
Rachel:
(entering)
Hi!
Mark:
Hi! All right, let's go
shoppin'!!
something I need to say.
Um,
y'know, before we go ah, there's
Rachel:
Mark:
Oh, okay.
(Rachel
I've
didn't
is shocked)
kinda of
had this ah, this crush on you.
I'd
that's-that's what I'm doing, now.
really
do anything about
But since you
were with Ross, I-I
like to ask you
it.
But, now
out sometime.
that you're
So-
so
not,
(Gunther gets this hurt expression
on his face and goes
into the back
r
Rachel:
oom)
(She's
braking
interrupted by
Wow! Umm....
Ever
dishes. Followed
a loud
quic
crash
kly by
and the
another
sound of
emerges.)
yone turns and looks at the back room, as
Gunther
crash.
Gunther
Opening
Credits
: I dropped a cup.
[Scene:
Pete
and Monica are r
The hallway
between
the two
Pete:
eturning from their date.]
apartments,
voice rec
...so y'know,
that's why, within a few years, that
any
like-like, 'Wash my car
computer
ognition is gonna be pr
you buy. Y'know,
etty much standard on
so you could be
be able to do any
.' 'Clean my room.' It's
not gonna
what you're saying.
of those
things, but it'll understand
Season 3
Monica: Oh, this is so great.
Pete: Yeah,
it was.
Monica: All right then. (He leans in
to kiss her
goodnight, but she quickly kisses
him on the cheek
and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
(She goes into her apartment and sees
Chandler,
Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
Monica: Hello, people who do not live here.
All: Hi! Hello!
Monica: I gave you a key
for emergencies!
Phoebe: We were out of
Doritos
.
Ross: Hey, how'd the date go
with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: Mr.
Millionaire, new from Snooty
Playthings! Third
wife sold separately.
Monica: He's great! I
mean we have such a good
time together! He's
so funny, and sooo sweet, and
I'm not
attracted to him at all!!
Ross: Still?!
Monica: Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean
every
other way he's like the perfect guy, he
has
everything. Plus! He actually has
everything.
Chandler: Life-sized Imperial
Storm Troopers
from
Sharper Image
?
Monica: Two.
Chandler: Wow!! Can Joey and
I put them on and
fight?
Joey: (entering,
dancing and singing) Oh mommie,
I'd miss you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there
as Ross
enters, walking very confidently.]
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi!
Ross: You ah,
wanted to see me?
Rachel: Yeah. Ahh, here's a
box of your stuff. (hands him
a box)
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Oh, y'know, it's just
like hats, and a shirt, and CD's,
just sort of
stuff that you've left here.
Ross: What are
you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or
something?
Rachel: No. Ross, it, it just
seems that y'know it's time
we-we y'know, move
on. I mean, I mean don't' you think?
Ross:
Yes.
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: Yes, I do.
Rachel: Good.
Ross: Yeah, I-I really do.
(takes a dinosaur mug out of the
box) Hey!
This-this was a gift?!
Rachel: Ross, you got
that for free from the museum gift
shop.
Ross: It's still a gift! I got it from the
gift shop!
Rachel: Okay, all right, give me
the mug! I'll keep the
mug.
Ross: No!!
Y'know-y'know don't do me any favours. In fact,
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are
returning
from working out.]
Chandler: I
can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It
doesn't matter, I still wind up with this
little (pats the
flat spot on the back of his
head) cowlicky thing on the
middle part of my
head. It's so annoying. Does it bug
you?
Ross: You bug me.
[Rachel comes out of her
apartment, followed by Mark,
and they leave on
their date, without saying a word to
Ross.
Ross is stunned.]
Chandler: Is there any
chance you didn't see that?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is
watching a
basketball game, Ross is staring
out the peephole.]
Chandler: Ross! You gotta
stop! Okay?! You can't just
stare through the
peep hole for three hours! You're
gonna get
peep eye!
Ross: I knew it! I knew it! I always
knew she liked him!
Y'know, she'd say no, but
here we are! Right? We just
broke up, first
thing she does!
Chandler: You didn't just
break up.
Ross: Hey, it's been like three
weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three
hours after
you thought you broke up. I mean
bullets have left
guns slower!
Ross: Here
they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she
oh
daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh
daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances
around
wher
the dinner table and exits)
umm,
e, where's the
Ross:
And-
back too. Yes, I do.
and-
and,
(picks
and
up
that
a
rest
book)
of my stuff?! Huh? Like-
like my
T-shirt you sleep
Hey, this book
in? I'd
is
like
mine!!
that
play.
I guess he musta gotten
the part in that
Monica and
Phoebe:
Rachel:
Chandler
even wher
You know how much I love that T-shirt! You never
right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get
you.
: Yeah, either
Oh.
that, or
Gloria Estefan was Ross:
[Scene: A Theatre,
Joey is arriv
Rachel:
I'm just tr
e that
T-shirt!
ying to help you, move on.
play
he's in.]
ing to rehearse the Ross:
Oh, you
are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....
The Director
Rachel:
Petty...
Joey:
Ross:
talking to Kate, another
c
Good.
:
(He
Joe. How's it
going?
sets his stuff down
and starts
Rachel:
Petty...
Petty... (goes into her
room)
Kate:
ast member.) Hey. Ross:
Petty...
Joey:
Hi. Rachel:
Petty...
Kate:
Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
Ross:
Joey:
Yes. Are you one of the
retarded cousins? catches Ross moc
Small...
(
Small...
Rachel comes bac
I'm Joey
Tribianni.
Oh, no. Ah, I playing your
husband, Victor. Rachel:
king her.)
k into
the living room and
Kate:
Ross:
(She
goes
Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
Rachel:
Awwwahuh, no, no, no!!
You are so
just doing this out of spite.
runs over and
pours her a cup of c
over to the snack table,
and Joey quickly Ross:
Joey:
(he kisses the
shirt)
I'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time!
I love this shirt!!
Huh?
Kate:
So the
ah, play's pretty great, huh?
offee.)
Rachel:
She's
Oh, yeah. I love
JenniferIt doesn't even f
You have not worn
that T-shirt sinc
e you
wer
deconstructing the psyche of the American
middle
so brilliantly incisive when
Van
Murray's work.
it comes to Ross:
class.
Rachel:
Oh, yeah-
it you anymore!
e
15!!
yeah-
Joey:
Ross:
Kate:
Oh,
forget about it. She rocks! in order to put on the
T-shirt. It's an old 'Frankie says relax'
Oh-
oh, okay, okay
(imitating him) yeah-
yeah-
yeah...
! (He quickly takes off his
sweater
yeah-yeah!!
Joey:
Where do
I know you from? T-shirt,
most datable
neur
Dr. Drake Remoray. approval of the new
look.)
that barely fits him. Rachel nods her
head in
Kate:
osurgeon by
Days of
Teen Beat
Our Lives
. Voted
rest of
my stuff, and relax, in my favourite shirt. (
If you don't mind I'm gonna the
Well this must
be pr
No, that's not
.
leave) You
real play, hmm?
etty exciting for you to
be in a
it. So, you're a soap actor?
the
door open.)
have a pleasant evening. (He exits
and
Starts to
leaves
Joey:
[Scene:
Centr
actor
Hey, I've done plays before.
I'm a serious talking to Pete.]
al Per
k, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are
Kate:
. Phoebe:
thing!
That info-
nods)
So, you're like a zillionaire? (Pete
smiles and
know how to pour milk!!
You're-
you're-
mercial! For the milk carton spout
you're the guy that doesn't Chandler
Joey:
Phoebe:
believing that I couldn't.
Now, see, that's acting.
See, I actually can
pour milk, but I got you state and then just name
it after yourself.
Y'know
: And you're our
age. Y
what, you should like, you
shoul
ou're our age.
d buy a
Kate:
Pete:
Joey:
Right, at the end,
you choked on a cookie. Phoebe:
What like Pete
Dakota?
[Scene:
Yeah, that was rJoey:
Yeah, or, or, or
about Mar
Central Perk,
eal.
Rachel is telling Phoebe Chandler
Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-
, Mississ-Pete.
Phoebe:
Joey:
out.
k, as
Gunther eavesdr
Wow! I cannot believe
Mar
ops behind them.]
k asked you Pete:
Oh, and Mississ-
: That's not a state Joe.
Chicago.
Rachel:
All:
I got to go,
so ah, I'll see you guys later
Pete is?
.
Phoebe:
I know. Chandler
Okay.
Rachel:
Pete:
: You'r
I'm gonna tell
him no.
Well, I told hi
What, so what are
you gonna tell him?
m I would think about it,
but Monica:
(to Monica, by the door) So ah, we
on for
e our age!
Phoebe:
him and
Absolutely! (He goes to kiss
tomorrow?
(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
Huh. you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay,
I'm running out of
rubs his head and says...)
Now
her
get out
, but she
of
stops
here
Rachel:
places I
now.
with me? I mean w
can touch him!
Look, is
cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so
strange. I mean
(Hearing
I mean I think
I'd say no to anybody right
this Gunther
swoops back to there's
I'm
young, and then
there's Pete w
no future? Either
hy am I
they're
only attrac
there something
w
too old,
ted to
or
guys
wher
rong
they'r
e
who's asking
standing there with and who's absolutely
allowed to do, and I felt guilty. Y'know, like
I'd be
me to go out w
this char
ith
ming,
him, w
cute
hich I'm
guy,
going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound
like something's
perfect for me,
ho's-who's cr
e too
and ther
azy
about me,
e's like zip
cheating on Ross
or
w
Phoebe:
something. Phoebe:
rong
with me?!
you'r
Wow. So, okay, maybe that
means that, [Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are
r
Yeah, kinda.
your father
e not over
Ross yet and you have issues with
play.]
ehearsing for the
Rachel:
.
Kate:
Phoebe:
I don't have any issues
with my Father. Happy?
Happy?! Is that what
I'm supposed to be Vic?
then.
Okay, so
it's probably just the Ross thing Joey:
[Scene:
be! Huh? Bec
Well, why don't
you tell me what you're supposed to
Chandler
about Kate.]
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is
telling you and nothin'. You look at me, and it's
nothin'. (
ause I sure as hell can't figure it
out! I talk to
Joey:
her) Nothing.
He
kisses
ever
The
and
yone
I
hate
in the
this w
company about
oman!! I hate her! She told
guy
drinks.
Okay, and whenever
now they all keep asking me
that
to
info-
open
mercial,
their Kate:
s have a histor
Director:
Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you
like-like laughing at me.
I can't do it,
they're all The Director
I have a question
about this sc
y, it's-it's nice.
ene.
Ross:
Kate:
: Yes?
Chandler
(entering) Hello. Victor
Well, I don't
understand why Adrienne's attracted to
Ross:
The
.
over in a minute.
So
and Joey:
Rachel called.
Hey
W
!
ants to see me. Going looking.
Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's
good
Joey:
Joey:
Ross:
Wow, what-
Kate:
Yeah.
realises that life without me
ah suc
Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted
and she
what do you think she wants?
reason than that.
I think my character's
gonna need a little bit more of
Chandler
ks. Joey:
miss you if I broke
up w
: It's possible. You are very loveable,
I'd script!
Oh, hey, how about this one.
A
I was just tr
ith you. (Ross glares at
him) you
Y'know ah, I-I
h, it's says so in
the
Ross:
ying to be supportive. bitch.
either, I mean it says
don't know why my
in the script here
char
that
you'r
acter likes
e a
Chandler
Then
be supportive like a guy.
: (in a deep voice)
If I broke up with you,
Kate:
Joey:
It
doesn't say that in the script.
It does in
mine!
29 of 41 Pages
kisses him goodnight,
I'm gonna kill myself, I swear
can't,
to
look again) Come on, date over! Date over! U
I
can't watch this. (turns away, then quickly turns
. I
here we go, she's going in.
h-oh,
Chandler
Ross:
in!!
She's
:
Okay.
going in. Wait! He's going in! He's
door closed!!
The door's closed! I, I
can't see anything but
going
the
Chandler
in his gr
Ross:
ave.
:
And the inventor of the door rests happily
have to stop it!
Okay, I have to do
something. I mean, I have, I
Chandler
Ross:
: Stop what?!
my
being ther
I don't know, but I ah, I have the
feeling that
something. Juic
e will do it.
I'll go over and I will borrow
(He
climbing on his bac
starts to exit, but
Chandler
e!! I need juice!!
tries to stop
him by
table.)
k and grabbing hold of the
foosball
Chandler
Ross:
: No!! You
can't!!
Chandler
Look, they must be
stopped!
you do this!!
: I
foosball
table to the door) Y
(Ross is now
am your
friend,
dragging Chandler and the
and I
am not gonna let
Ross:
ou are surprisingly
strong!
Chandler
I need juice! People need
juic
Ross:
: Look man!
e!!
Chandler
People need juice!
and closes
and holds the door
: Listen to me!! (Chandler
turns him around
Ross:
shut with his
feet.)
Chandler
Juic
it's
thinking
about subletting my peep hole,
gonna
:
e, I need...
She's moving on! Okay,
if it's not this guy,
be somebody else! And
unless
to have to get used to the fact that
the relationship is
you are going
you're
over! O
Ross:
kay, man? It's over.
Chandler
Yeah, okay.
Ross:
: Okay.
Chandler
It's just I miss her so
much.
[Scene: Monica
: I know. (He rubs
Ross's head)
some coffee.]
and Rachel's,
Rachel is pouring Mark
Mark:
the
bottom?
Why do all you're coffee mugs have
numbers on
Rachel:
way if one on them is
Oh.
That's so Monica
number
27?!'
missing, she can be like, 'Wher
can
keep track. That
e's
(She
Rachel
sits down,
jumps back quic
doesn't
r
and Mark
eact. He tries
leans
it
over and kisses
again, and Rachel
her.
Rachel:
Mark:
Y'know what?
kly.)
Rachel:
No. And I don't think I'm
gonna want to.
Mark:
I can't do this.
Rachel:
Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't
want to know.
reasons, y'know? I'm just doing
it to get bac
Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this
for the w
I'm sorr
k at Ross.
rong
Mark:
get bac
Ahh! Fair
y, it's not
ver
, schmair! Y'know?
y fair to you.
say
k at Ross, I am here for you.
Really
Look, if you want to
? No-no, I
Right here!
-I say, I say we get back at
him right on this couch.
Rachel:
Mark:
Oh God. I'm sorr
Rachel:
That's okay.
y
about this.
Mark:
You sur
by
Yeah.
I can just go home and get bac
e?
k at him
[Scene:
myself.
there.]
A Hospital
Reception, Monica and Pete are
Spokeswoman:
tw
...has
about
enty-f
rev
to
irst
take
centur
major
y. And
become the
penicillin of the
steps
so today,
toward
this
leading
hospital
that
is
size...
olution. It is
truly ironic, on one hand consider the
Pete:
Monica:
(to Monica) Hey, can I
ask you something?
Pete:
Monica:
Wher
Sure.
and nurses, I'm gonna say,
midget rodeo.
(looks
e are we?
around)
Well, with all these doctors
Pete:
Monica:
Just tell me the truth.
think I told you this, but umm, I just got out
of a r
Okay. Umm, y'know, I don't think, I
don't
serious r
eally
Pete:
Monica:
Oh, yeah.
W
elationship.
isn't the thing. Umm,
So I did
asn't that like a year
tell you.
Okay, y'know,
ago?
the thing is that,
right
that
now I'm
really
Season 3
just in a place in my life
where I need to focus on
me. Y'know what I
mean?
Pete: Oh, yeah. I know that.
Monica:
I so wanna be attracted to you.
Pete: But
you're not. Okay, good.
Monica: I'm sorry.
Pete: Y'know what, don't be. This is not,
don't be,
'cause it's not so bad.
Monica:
It's not?
stops)
Monica: Something wrong?
Rachel: (She takes the T-shirt out of the box
and holds it
to her chest and take a deep
breath.) No. Nothing. (She
smiles and goes
into her room.)
Closing Credits
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are
sitting in the black chairs.]
Chandler:
So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man
Monica: Okay.
Phoebe: I brought a bunch of
stuff for the house, so
check it out. Ha-ha.
(She removes this large ceramic
dog that comes
up to the second floor and places it
next to
the house.)
Monica: What's this?
Phoebe:
That's a dog, every house should have a dog.
Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.
Phoebe: Well, maybe it's so big because the
house
Pete:
laughs) or someone who f
I
know I'm no John Bon Jovi, (Monica have?
think,
Phoebe:
differ
Chandler
Okay
well, he would turn things to gold.
Monica:
ently.
y'know, that you
ind
attractive, I'm just, I
might end up feeling
Phoebe:
: What about things that are
already gold?
our w
Chandler
Ahh, his
work is done.
a guy I just told I wasn't
attrac
rong, but ah, you seem awfully conf
Well, um, look I-I don't want this to c
ident
for
ome
Phoebe:
Pete:
yellow-
bellied-lilly-livered-
: Okay, let's play
my game now.
Okay. All
let's, you
wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this
Yeah,
stupidly charming isn't' it? Well listen
ted
too.
foot r
place is kinda
End
ests
like an old fashioned gun f
DRAW!! (they
ight.)
both
right
kick up
you
the
Spokeswoman:
depressing.
(they start to leave)
possible...
Mr
Pete:
. Peter Becker
And the man
who made all this
320
(He takes the
scissors, c
(to Monica) One sec
.
The One With The Dollhouse
hand, posses
for the picture, and leaves.)
uts the ribbon,
shakes her
ond.
[Scene: Monic
[Scene:
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in
and Joey are there.]
a and Rachel's,
Chandler
one of the black chairs, and turns to
face the other
Chandler
one.]
actress
: Wait a
, Monica, Phoebe,
minute, wait. You're
Chandler
didn't
want you bac
person is the only woman you ever
wanted who
telling me this
both
Joey:
Dr
of us
: I don't think this
town is big
to relax in. (He blows on
enough for
his hand)
to be
you?
Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this
what it's like
k?!
rest, like a
gunf
aw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise
the foot Monica:
(Joey enters.)
ighter in a
Western.) Joey:
Wow, you're r
eally
crazy about her
Chandler
I get
Oh, you
have no idea. And-and when we're on stage
,
huh?
(Joey
: (to
Joey) I wasn't
doing anything. home with the director
to-to
kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes
U
starts angrily throwing his stuff
down.)my heart!
, and it's like somebody's
ripping out
Joey:
h-oh, what did she do
now?
Phoebe:
thinks
Just because
she went to Yale drama, she Ross:
Oh, it's so
great
sliced br
she's like the greatest
actress since, since, All:
(entering) Hey!
to see you feeling like this!
Chandler
ead! Ross:
Hey
Mac
: Ah,
Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady Silvia passed away.
Monic
!
a, uh Dad called this morning
and ah, Aunt
Joey:
Beth.
Monica:
'O
Ross:
Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah,
yeah!
'O
h, I'm
God, I just, I hate
her! I hate her!! With her
so talented.' and
'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and
,
Phoebe:
We
were all pr
Chandler
oh, I smell so good.'
thought death was something that's supposed to be
sad, in
Wait, am I
etty shaken up about
it.
missing something though? 'Cause I
somebody.
: I think somebody has a crush
on a way.
Joey:
Ross:
on my problem
her
Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused
Monica:
Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a
nice person.
Chandler
her a look) (to Ross)
And I'm sorr
Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old
bitch! (Ross gives
freak.
: I'm talking
e?! Y'know?
about you. You big, big get
the dollhouse?
Joey:
Ross:
y she
died. Did Dad say I
mind.
Oh. (realises)
Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your Monica:
You get
the dollhouse.
Chandler
Phoebe:
I get
the dollhouse!
her for the
: Hey, you was
kid, I had a barrel.
Wow, a house for dolls,
that is so cool! When I
yard you'd be pulling
her pigtails and pushing her
last 48 hours! If
you were
have nothing but
in
talk
a school
about
Joey:
dow
Phoebe:
Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a
dollhouse?
Joey:
n nowMonica:
about her
Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking
!
Phoebe:
Y'know what, you can play
with my dollhouse.
No, just a barrel.
huh?!
in all these sexual scenarios and
stuff Monica:
Really?! Really?!
[Scene:
all I wanted to do was to play with
this dollhouse, but no!!
Any time you want.
Y'know, when I was younger,
the same sc
The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing It was
to be looked at, but never
Kate:
ene as
before.] Chandler
Happy?
Happy?! Is that
what I'm supposed to be Vic?
thing to me.
: My Grandmother used
played w
to say
ith.
that exact same
Joey:
Opening
Credits
supposed to be! Huh? Bec
Well, why don't you tell me what you're
[Scene: Rachel's off
f
from lunch.]
ice, Chandler and her are coming back
at
igure it out! I talk to you and it's nothin'.
You look
ause I sure as hell can't
Rachel:
passionately this time) Nothing.
me, and nothin'. (He kisses her, more
Sophie:
Hey, Sophie!
The
Director
Chandler
Hey, Rach!
we'r
:
You guys make me fly!Sophie:
: Hey.
Kate:
e gonna pick it up her
High!
Okay,
Rachel:
Hey.
Joey:
Well,
that was ah...
e, tomorrow.
have to walk
me all the way bac
Thanks for lunch, Chandler.
Y'know, you didn't
Kate:
Better?Chandler
improvement. G'night.
Yeah!
Yeah, it was definitely an look
around her off
: Oh, that's-that's okay, no
problem. (
k up here.
Joey:
Rachel:
Kate:
Ah, Kate?keep
the women's lingerie here in the off
Honey um,
ice.)
honey, you do
He starts to
realise that we don't
Joey:
Yeah?
Chandler
Kate:
You ah, you forgot your
shoes.
Rachel:
: Yes, I realise that.
ice?
those. Huh? (she giggles some more)
(she giggles) I'm probably gonna Chandler
Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)
Joey:
need
[Rachel's boss, Joanna,
enters]
: That's the stuff! (quickly grabs it)
Kate:
Hey, listen you ah.... Joanna:
Joey:
Hmm? Hello! You don't work for me.
Rachel, I need the
Versachi
invoice.
(to Chandler)
Kate:
...feel like getting a
cup of coffee? Rachel:
The Director
Umm.
Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
(introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend
Kate:
: (leaning in) Kate? Joanna:
The
Director
Yep. Chandler
Bing! That's a
great name.
Kate:
: You ready to go? So ah,
I'm gonna go, nice, nic
: Thanks, it's ah,
Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.'
The
Director
Yeah. Joanna:
walks away
: (to
Joey) Very nice. VerRachel:
Me too.
e
meeting you.
Kate:
Joanna:
Bye,
Chandler
Joey:
So umm, I'll see you
tomorrow, huh?
)
y nice. (he
Rachel:
(to Rachel) So ah, what's w
.
r
[Scene:
Yeah, yeah sure, goodnight.
hardly notic
Oh,
kitchen
Monica and
Rachel's, Monica is in the Joanna:
e it
anymore.
nothing, he's just goofy
ong with
him?
like that, I actually,
Phoebe
ar
chopping vegetables. Chandler and with
anyone?
Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or
involved
Phoebe:
Rachel:
startled)
anyone!
No!!
No! He's not married, or
involved, with
Goldman, Silver
e
sitting in the liv
Why
(to Chandler)
Hey
ing room.]
isn't it Spider
!
(Chandler
man? Y'know
looks up,
Joanna:
Chandler
it.
Oh, Rachel,
(pause) actually, y'know what, forget
Phoebe:
: 'Cause it's-it's not hi
man...
like
Rachel:
Chandler
It isn't?
s last name.
Joanna:
Well, I'll ask
him for you, if you want me too?
He's a
spider
: No, it's and y'know something that
Sophie would do?
Would you? Or, is it just to
sad and desperate,
a last name, but there's no
Gold Man.
, man. Y'know like ah, like Goldman
is
not like, like Phil Spiderman.
Sophie:
Phoebe:
Joanna:
Uh, uh, uh,
I am here.
Rachel: (entering) Hey
Oh,
okay. There should be Gold Man!
!
[Scene:
Monica:
new
Rachel:
Hey,
Rach, how was w
ork? entire living room
table.]
dollhouse. It's
Monic
I know
that.
a and
a
Rac
huge
hel's,
dollhouse,
Monica is
that
showing
takes
off
up
her
the
there wasn't a chair
Oh, great. Although I
did sit down where Monica:
Monica:
okay.
Carpet's a little loose. Hardwood floors!!
Look at it! Ohhh! W
allpaper's a little
faded, that's
your stuff.
By the way,
Ross
.
dropped by a box of
Phoebe:
Rachel:
Chandler
(entering) Hey!
I'm
Phoebe:
bunch of shampoo and...
(she opens the box and
just
Oh, well, I
guess I had that one coming.
gonna throw it
out, it's probably just a Monica:
Oh! O
:
Hello.
oh! Oh Monic
Phoebe:
I
know
a! It's so beautiful.
So, I'm here,
ready to play.
!!!
30 of 41 Pages
was
built on r
Chandler
house sneezes?
:
(holding
adioactive waste.
a tissue) And
is this in case
Phoebe:
Monica:
No, no,
that's the ghost for
the
the
attic
Phoebe:
I don't want a ghost.
.
one, bec
Well, nobody wants a ghost. But
you've got
burial ground.
ause the house
is sitting on an ancient Indian
Ross:
radioac
Wait a minute, the house
was built on
That would never happen.
tive
waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground?
Phoebe:
the U.S. government.
Okay,
obviously you don't know much about
Rachel:
All:
(entering) Hey!
Rachel:
Hello.
Ross:
I need to
talk to you!
Rachel:
Sure, what's up?
Ross:
away
I-
Oh, sorr
I know.
Well if something comes up... (
y. I meant
Chandler.
walks
Chandler
)
awkward
phase.
: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that
little
Rachel:
started asking questions
about you...
Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you
left, she
Chandler
action, did she?
Checkin' out the Chan-
: Oh-ho, liked what she
saw, huh? Dug my
Rachel:
what do think?
(looks at hi
Chan man!
Chandler
Are you
inter
m) That was (pause) surreal. Okay,
ested at all?
Rachel:
gonna love me.
Oh thank you, Chandler
: Yeah, she seemed
cool, attr
, this is so great, she's
active. I'll do it.
Phoebe:
Quic
dinosaur
k, ever
(holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attac
ybody
into the house!! Ahh-ahh!
k!!
like a dog.)
Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
starts attacking the
house. She starts to bar
(the
k
Monica:
that's
Okay, Phoebe,
y'know
dogs,
it,
Victorian, and they
just don't go.
okay
all
?
right? No
They're not
dinosaurs,
what? That-
that's
the right
no
size,
ghosts,
they're
no giant
it,
not
Phoebe:
dinosaur
Okay, (starts to pack
up her stuff) fine.
imagination.
, we're
not welcome in the house
Come
of no
Ross:
subjec
Uh, Pheebs, w
go,
rrroof!
t. I just have to say dinosaurs,
hile we're hovering around
they-they don't
the
Phoebe:
[Scene: The Theatr
The
little ones do.
to rehearse the play.]
e,
Joey and Kate are getting ready
Joey:
Kate:
Hey, Kate!
Joey:
Morning.
were talking about last week...
Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you
The Director
(she goes over
: Hey,
lovely
Joey:
to him)
! Come, talk to
me a minute!
was good, yeah. It was good,
yeah...
(to himself) And I ate the food, I
had the fish, it
Woman:
Joey:
Hi, oh,
I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
Lauren:
Oh,
hey! Joey Tribbiani.
Joey:
Lauren:
(looks at her
I know! I-
could watch Dr
I used to
, shoc
I'm a big fan of yours.
umm,
ked) What?!
schedule my classes
so I
Joey:
Lauren:
Get out of here,
really?!
. Drake Remoray on
Days of Our
Lives
.
Joey:
Lauren:
Yeah?
Absolutely
dow
Oh
!
but then,
they went and dropped you
Joey:
n that
elevator shaft.
Lauren:
They gave me the
shaft all right.
what
get a drink, or
something?
are you
(laughing) Oh, you're
so funny. Listen, umm,
doing after rehearsals?
Do you want to
Joey:
yeah! Yeah, sure, a
drink sounds gr
Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and
the dir
Lauren:
eat.
ector kissing)
Joey:
Cool! I-I'll see you then.
The
props. (
Director
All right.
: All
right, it's time to
[Scene:
her own
dollhouse, that she made herself.]
Monic
Both Joey and Kate just look at each
other
act, my talking
a and Rachel's,
Phoebe is entering with
.)
Phoebe:
All:
Hey!
Phoebe:
Hey!
Rachel:
Look everybody, look at my new
dollhouse!!
Phoebe:
W
front panel falls
revealing the interior
Look,
ow!!
look! (She lifts up the roof, and
Ross:
.)
the
Phoebe:
Hey,
what's this?!
Watch this. (She slides a doll
dow
Oh, okay, it's the slide
Monica:
n
the slide)
instead
of
stairs.
Rachel:
It's very interesting, Phoebe.
Phoebe:
What's this?
furniture. A
The Licorice
Room, you can eat all the
on the tootsie r
nd, when guests come over,
they can stay
Ross:
oll-away bed.
(Monic
This is the coolest house ever!!
face.)
a is looking on with a
Phoebe:
hurt expression on her
aroma room?
Hey, does anybody want to join
me in the
Rachel:
Ross:
All right!
(lights some incense)
Monica:
I would!
cabinet?!
Hey, guys, guys, did you see my
new, china
Season 3
Ross and
Rachel: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She
turns a strand of
Christmas lights strung
around the house.)
Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!
Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble
maker.)
Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Father's house
does
that!
Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-
okay, how did it go?
Tell me everything.
Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner
was
great, and there's nothing like a cool,
crisp New
York evening.
Rachel: Hmm.
Chandler: Of course, I didn't get to enjoy any
of
that, because Joanna's such a big, dull
dud!
[Scene: Rachel's office, Joanna's telling
Rachel,
her side of the story.]
Joanna:
Chandler is fantastic!!
Rachel: What?!
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Y'know how
people just click? Like he came by to pick me
up,
and I opened the door, and it was just
like, click!
Did he tell you?
Rachel: Oh,
I....
eating breakfast as Joey enters, very
happily.]
Joey: (to Ross) Hey.
Ross: Hi.
Joey: (to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up
behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a
kiss on the neck.)
Ross: Hi.
Joey:
Hey.
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about
it for a moment,
and gives him a big hug.)
Ross: It's a little early to be drinkin'.
Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with
Kate.
Ross: Ohhhhh!
Monica: You're
kidding?! That's great!
Joey: Oh, it was so
amazing. After the (pause) love
making...
Monica: Oh my.
Joey: Yep. I just, I just
watched her sleep for like hours,
just
breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew
she
was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her eyes keep
going like this.
(He closes his eyes and moves
them around, kinda like he's
been processed by
the devil, or something.)
Chandler: (entering
with Rachel) I'm telling ya, Joanna's
got it
all wrong. Okay? All I said was, 'This was fun.
Let's do
it again sometime. I'll give you a
call.'
Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she
thinks you're going
Joey: What are you talking
about? It was a big deal. I
mean, come on you
can't tell me last night didn't mean
something
to you. I-I was there, you're not that good
an
actress.
Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just
caught up in the
moment. That's all it was.
Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel
bad, but haven't
you ever sleep with a women where it
meant
more to her than it did to you?
Joey: Nooo.
Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!
Kate: Hi,
Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: Hi, pig!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross
are
inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]
Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.
Monica: Oh, that's okay. By the way, I was
just
checking the shower massager.
Ross:
Yeah.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica:
(runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work.
There's....been a fire.
Phoebe: What?! Oh
my... (sees the remains of the
house) Oh my
God!! What happened?!
Ross: Well, we believe
it originated here. (He uses a
pointer and
points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma
Joanna:
Doesn't he have a good heart?
Oh, and he's got such a good heart!
Rachel:
Joanna:
Oh, I know...
he
through.
said he was
Oh, I know
going
and
to call, so put
he's soo
sweet!
him straight
Listen,
Sophie:
Joanna:
Isn't this great?!
[Scene:
rehearsing.]
Don't spoil
it.
The Theatre, Joey and Kate are
Joey:
you say?
Come
[A phone
rings.]
on baby, don't go. Please? What
do
The
It's you. Just ah, just
Director: (answering
Kate)
one-one
the phone)
sec. (to
Hello. Oh!
Joey and
I hope that there will appear
I am going to take this c
thing that
on
stage this magic
all. When I continue,
al
the moment
in the
Joey:
! (He goes
to take the call.)
theatre we call, committing
to
you see in hi
(to Kate) That
guy's like a cartoon. What do
Kate:
than I
c
He happens
m anywa
to
y?
be
brilliant. Which is mor
Joey:
an say for
that sweater you're dating.
e
what's
Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's
besides, since ah, since w
underneath her
sweater
going out with?
hen do you
c
that c
are w
ounts. And
ho I'm
Kate:
Joey:
I don't care. Why, do you
want me to c
are?
Kate:
Do you
want me to want you to care?
Joey:
Do
you?
The Director
What?
this, but
let's pic
: (returning) Okay, I'm afraid to say
[They resume r
Joey:
you say?
Come
on
ehearsing.]
k it up where we left off.
baby, don't go. Please? What do
Kate:
(Joey grabs her and kisses her
I've got no r
eason to stay.
The
Director
.)
are bad ac
the
morning. (exits)
tors! This is a terrible
play
: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You
Kate:
Joey:
I can't believe we go on
in, in a week.
! I'll see you in
Lauren:
Hey, it's gonna be all right.
early, do you want to go and paint mugs?
(to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off
Joey:
Lauren:
What?
last night?
You know
! At the place I told you about
Joey:
was
Oh, yeah, w
think I
kinda need to w
so listening to that.
ith
the mug painting. Yeah. I
But ah, y'know what,
I
Lauren:
ork on my stuff tonight.
Joey:
Oh, okay.
Lauren:
Okay. (he
gives her a peck on the cheek)
on the mouth.)
I'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full
Joey:
Lauren:
Okay.
Joey:
Kate:
(to Kate) Ah, are you okay?
G'night. (exits)
about this sc
Yeah,
I guess. Look, what are we gonna do
Joey:
ene, huh?
Kate:
I don't know.
Joey:
Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.
Kate:
How do you mean?
right? V
Well, Adrian's
really give her a reason,
y'know
ictor can't just
looking
kiss
her
for a
, he's
reason
gotta,
to
gotta
stay,
Joey:
?
Kate:
Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
and, and, and lift her up.
Or maybe,
maybe he could grab her, and,
Joey:
she
coul
Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe
Kate:
his chest, and, and his stomach!
And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss
d wrap her legs around his waist.
Joey:
teeth to undo her dr
And then,
then he could use his teeth,
Kate:
he
coul
And then right, right when the sc
ess,
and, and, and bite her!
his
ene ends,
[cut
emerging from under the cover
to
d take her
Joey's
w
bedroom,
ith this raw, ani
Joey
mal....
and
Kate are
Joey:
Kate:
Something like
that?
s.]
mind.
Yeah, that's pretty
much what I had in
Joey:
Commercial
Break
Yeah.
[Scene: Monica and Rac
hel's, Ross and Monica are
to call
her?
Chandler
Rachel:
:
That's
what you say at the end of a date.
Chandler
You can't just say, 'Nice to meet
you, good night?'
standing there, I know all
she's waiting for is for me to say
: To her
face? Look it's the end of the date, I'm
'I'll
call her
it's a c
' and it's just y'know,
comes out. I can't help it,
Monica:
ompulsion.
it doesn't mean he's
going to c
Come on Rach, when a guy say
to
you?
all. Hasn't it ever
s he's going to
c
happened
all,
Rachel:
Monica:
Well, they always called.
[Scene: Rachel's off
Hmm, bite me.
Joanna:
ice.]
Rachel:
Joanna:
No.
Sorr
(entering) Did he call?
called?
Why?! Why
y.
?! He said
he'd call.
Sophie:
Why hasn't he
successful women.
Maybe he's intimated by
really smart, strong,
Joanna:
Why
Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt.
Rachel:
hasn't he called, Rachel? Why?
feels awkwar
Okay, okay. Umm, well ah,
maybe he, maybe he
Joanna:
d because you
are my boss.
Rachel:
Joanna:
W
Awk
ell...
ward? Why should he feel
awkward?
and you didn't tell hi
The only
person that should feel awkward is you,
Rachel:
m not to call me, did you?
Joanna:
No. I...
friend dating someone
you work for
Because if you feel uncomfortable
to f
, there are always ways
with your
[Scene: Centr
ix...that.
Rachel
approaches.]
al Perk, Chandler is reading a
magazine as
Rachel:
Call her now
(grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her!
Chandler
Rachel:
understand. W
Why
hasn't he c
: Multiple, so many paper
!
alled Rachel? W
cuts.
hy? W
I'm
telling you she has flipped out, she's gone
cr
hy? He said he'll call. Why? Why?
Chandler
hy? I don't
Chandler
azy
Rachel:
: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the
phone then.
!
that you haven't c
Come
on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault
Chandler
just to say, 'In c
: Look, you
alled her
can't
. You have to call her!
call somebody after this long
Rachel:
again.
Well then you're
ase you didn't notice, I don't like you!'
going to have to take her out
Chandler
masc
: Nooo!! She's really
dull! And she gets this gross
Rachel:
ara
goop thing in the cor
take her
knows it's
ac
I don't c
out again
are! I
don't care! You ar
ner of her eye!
and end
it, and end
e going to have to
it in way
that
for you, do not tell her that you will
c
tually ended. And, I don't care how hard it
is
she
Chandler
more than an hour!
A
: All right! Fine! But it's just
all her
again!
a lunch date, no
don't want you
setting me up with anybody ever again!
nd from
now on I get my own dates, I
Rachel:
Chandler
That's
f
Rachel:
: That's just a lot of big talk,
y'know.
ine!
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, Ross is entering.]
I know.
Ross:
Monica:
Mon?
[He closes the
door and walks over to get something from
(from the bathroom) I'm in the shower!
the
fridge. He starts to smell something and turns
around
to see Phoebe's dollhouse smoking. He
runs over and takes
off the roof to reveal
that the dollhouse f
Ross:
ire.]
[He
tries to blow
Oh, fire! Ther
runs over to
the sink to get a glass of water to put out the
it out, and obv
e, there's a f
iously,
it doesn't wor
ire! Fire!!
k. He
f
ver
ire, but since Monica is in the
shower
desper
y low and takes a long time
the water
to fill the
pressure is
glass. In
on the f
ation he takes the
half full glass over and dumps it
and
take
it into the bathr
considers
ire, it doesn't
wor
bringing it
k. He then pic
over to
the sink,
ks up the dollhouse
but decides
to
He kic
top of her lungs.]
ks open the
door and we hear Monica scream at the
oom and
use the shower to put it out.
[Scene: The
Theatre, Kate is arriving for r
Joey:
ehearsal.]
Kate:
Hey.
Joey:
Hi.
were w
So I ah, talked
to Lauren, kinda told her how things
Kate:
Joey:
About what?
ith us. Did
you ah, did you talk to Marshall?
Kate:
Y'know, about what happened with us.
out, so ah let's not make a big deal about it,
okay?
Nooo. And there's really no reason he
should find
31 of 41 Pages
Room.
Phoebe:
Monica:
Phoebe:
Well, the
giraffe's okay. And so is the pirate.
All
right. Did everyone get out okay?
covering
something, and moves to r
Ohh. What is this?
(She sees a tissue
Ross:
what's under
there!!
No Phoebe, don't look! You
emove
it.)
don't want
to see
Phoebe:
the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster
puppets!
(She pauses to ready herself, and
removes
(She picks up a charr
the
Foster puppets, and starts to break dow
ed
piece of plastic that onc
goes over and
comforts her
n. Monic
e was
[Scene:
returning from their lunch date. He is telling
her
Rachel's office, Chandler
.)
a
and Joanna ar
her masc
Chandler
ara
problem. Rachel is already ther
about
e
(points to his eye) and it's all the time.
: It's not a big deal. It's, just it's right
here,
e.]
Joanna:
Chandler
W
head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.
:
ell, thanks again for lunch.
(He looks
over at Rachel, who nods her
(Rachel is
slow
Joanna:
ing trying to leave and let
them talk.)
Chandler
It was, wasn't
it?
Joanna:
: The food there was, was
gr
Chandler
Wasn't it?
eat.
Joanna:
Chandler
Y
:
ou too.
So take care.
should do it again sometime.
(Rac
: Well, this was great. I'll give you a
call. We
Joanna:
hel is disappointed)
messages?
Great! I'm looking
for
Rachel:
ward to it. Rachel, any
(Chandler
Sophie's desk.
Rachel stops
him in the hallway.)
starts to leave ashamed
of himself, but
Rachel:
her!
(whispering) Chandler!!
Are you gonna
call
Chandler
Rachel:
: Noo!
Chandler
Chandler!!
pathetic
:
Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm weak, and
Rachel:
, and sorr
going to tell her
now. (
Okay, you
y.
are
to
tw
She grabs his nipple and starts
going to
tell her and you're
Chandler
ist it.)
Joanna:
: Ahhhh -- I'm not going to c
Chandler
What?
all you.
was
:
do with you, y'know? And
going to
w
I'm
hen I'm
sorry. I'm-I'm-
not.
Look,
I'm sorr
this
y
has
that
I
nothing to
said I
me. I have
serious, serious problems when it c
this isn't
Rachel's fault. It's
women.
(pause)
that this is not, this isn't going to work
out.
mascar
I have
a
issues
goop. And I'm
with commitment,
really
sorry,
intimac
omes to
it's just
y,
Joanna:
would
Well, this
honesty.
end, but I guess
isn't how
I have
I was
to
hoping
appreciate
how
this
your
Chandler
Joanna:
: Yeah,
o-okay.
Chandler
So...
should do it
again sometime!
: Well this is great! I'll
give you a call! We
(Rachel
disbelief
is shocked, and holds her arms
out in
Closing Credits
.)
[Scene:
phone.]
Joey:
Chandler
and
Joey's, Joey is talking on the
say
(on
phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm
went
ing is I shoul
learned w
home with you
d've considered your feelings before I
that night. I've ah, I've recently
sorr
hat's it like to be on your side of
it, and I'm
Gr
out
eat. Thanks. Okay,
y. So, do you think you
bye. (He
can
forgive me? (listens)
Jennifer? (listens)
O
something, and dials the
sits
phone
down and
again.)
crosses
Hello,
(listens)
actually I kinda need to talk to
you too.
Oh, she's not
h hi, Mrs.
Lor
home huh?
eo, is Jennifer there?
(listens) Well ah,
End
321
The One With A Chick. And A Duck
[Scene: Outside Centr
helping
Monic
al Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are
between themselves.]
a learn how to roller
skate by rolling her
Rachel:
diner on
skates?
So who's idea was it to put everybody
in the
Monica: Oh, some idiot customer put a
suggestion in
Season 3
the
suggestion box.
Phoebe: Oh my God, they took
my idea!
Monica: That was you?!
Phoebe:
Yeah! Okay, here you go. (rolls her back
to
Rachel)
Gunther: (bringing Rachel a mug)
Rachel, I made
you a cocoa.
[He distracts
her from catching Monica and Monica
slams into
her, knocking her down. Monica then
falls on
top of her.]
Phoebe: Oh my God, are you guys
okay?
Gunther: Are you all right?
Joey:
(leaving Central Perk and seeing Monica
laying
on top of Rachel who is moaning in pain.)
Oh
my.
(They both turn and give him a dirty
look.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Chandler
and Joey's, Joey is watching
Quincy M.E.
as Chandler is walking into the living
room
from his bedroom.]
(Monica hugs her goes and
hugs her)
Rachel: Ow!!
Monica: Oh God!
Ross: (entering, wearing a white suit with a
little red bow
tie) Hey, you guys! Guess what?
Rachel: (looking at the outfit) Got a job on a
river boat?
Ross: Y'know what I didn't wear
this suit for a year
because you hated it.
Well, guess what? You're not my
girlfriend
anymore so...
Rachel: Oh I see, so this suit
is making a point.
Ross: Right.
Rachel:
Now that you're on you're own, you're free to look
as stupid as you like.
Ross: (to Monica)
You like it right?
Monica: Oh absolutely. I
like it even more on you than I
did on Colonel
Sanders. (Ross starts to leave) Ross! Ross!
I'm kidding!
Rachel: Yeah, come here!
Monica: What-what was it you were gonna tell
us?
Rachel: Yeah. Oh! Was how you invented
the cotton gin?!
some of the cast for drinks.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Joey: What?
Chandler: I stayed home from work today while
you
were at rehearsal so somebody could be
here with our
chick!
Joey: Hey! Who was up
from 2 o'clock this morning
until 5 o'clock
this morning trying to get her back to
sleep?
Chandler: You don't think I get up when you
get up?
Joey: Ohhh, here it comes.
Chandler: Yes, here it comes! I'm stuck here
all day,
and then you come in and spend two
seconds with us
and then expect to go off
gallivanting with your friends?
Well I don't
think so mister!
Joey: Hey!! I need to relax!
Okay? I was working all
day!
Chandler: And
you don't think taking care of our chick
is
work?
Joey: That's not what I said. Okay, I
just meant...
Chandler
Joey:
: (sporting
a goatee) Hey. Ross:
like Satan.
Hey.
Y'know with that goatee you kinda look [Scene:
Chandler
Okay, good bye! (leaves)
Chandler
about her suggestion.]
and
Joey's, Chandler
Chandler
is talking
to Phoebe
water on me. (there's no reac
:
Oh, so that's why the priest thr
listen,
tion from Joey
ew holy
how
come
Phoebe:
long did it take for the roller
skating thing to happen.
: So um, after you
put the suggestion in the box,
better
out
w
you have to cheer up! Okay? You
)
should
Okay,
Chandler
Umm,
oh, about three months.
Kate.
than
sitting around here cr
ith Ross and me, I mean
anything
ying all day about
is
befor
: Okay, so I guess
Joey:
Joey:
e the topless thing kicks
in.
that's about ah, two weeks
believed
Quinc
Hey I was crying becChandler
(entering carr
Ross:
Joey:
: Hey
ying
a box) Hey!!
Chandler
(entering)
Hey
y's theor
ause, because nobody
!
y. Okay?
Chandler
I got you
something! O
!
Ross:
chicken.
:
Okay. (He opens it and it's a baby chick) It's a
pen it! Open it!
Chandler
(triumphantly) I'm gonna be on TV
: Hey.
!! Joey:
Ross:
: No way! Phoebe:
It's cute, huh?
talk about these fossils they
just found in Peru and
Yeah! They're putting
together this panel to any
Whoa-whoa-whoa, you
guys, do you know
The
Discover
Chandler
thing about chicks?
Chandler
y
Channel's
Phoebe:
Ross:
: Oh my God!
Who's gonna watc
gonna film it!
h that?!
especially
:
Okay,
Fowl? No.
Women? Nooo.
well they are a huge
responsibility,
Chandler
Thanks.
YThey
Joey:
: Yeah. (they start to
leave)
ou ready to go?
love.
-they
need just
at this age.
the right food, and
They require
lot's and
constant
lot's of
care.
Chandler
Saw a girl
with that vest.
Joey:
throw
:
Thanks. (He takes off the vest hugs it r
Oh,
well no problem there. (He picks up the
Anchorwoman:
s it on the floor.)
and
Chandler
eally tight, and talks to it like
it's a little baby.)
chick,
of
(on TV)
While most of us think [Scene: The Moondance
Diner
: Easy Lenny.
Easter
chocolate about the r
, Pete is
talking to Monica
chicks as presents. (Joey is
intrigued by
gifts.
bunnies
Some
people
and baskets
insist on
as
giving
traditional
Pete:
estaurant.]
U
Monica:
So?
I mean have you thought about it?
these little
guy
nfortunately, the sad fact remains that
most of
the idea)
live
Pete:
(Joey starts to call a plac
s
won't live to see the fourth of Julthing?
Oh
Okay. Here's the thing.
no, not the
thing. I
Bec
Monica:
hate the
thing. What's the
be dead.
ause of as a
result of
e to buy a little baby chic
y.
improper care, they will
k)
see you
have these feelings for me....
I can't do it.
I'm sorry, I wish I could, but umm,
Joey:
Pete:
those baby chic
(on
phone) Yeah, hi. You guys got worried
Wait,
commercial on TV and man, those guy
ks?
'Cause I was watching this ah,
any of
problem.
about?
wait,
If
wait,
that's
wait,
the
that's-that's
problem, we've
what
got
you'r
no
e
[Scene:
Monica:
Monica is on roller
The
Moondance Diner, Pete
s are cute!
is
entering,
Pete:
Huh?
Pete:
skates.] met somebody else. On my trip.
No!
Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I
Monica:
Hi! Monica:
out. (
Hi! Hey,
Pete you're back! Hey, check this Pete:
Oh?
Pete:
She starts to skate overthe plane.
She asked me if she c
Her name's Ann, she's a
journalist. Ahh, we met on
(She
I
falls into his ar
gets just
Wow!
Skates!
to him)
about
all the
way overYeah, I just, I mean I got, I got
tir
thought she said something else, we
ould finish off my peanuts,
had a big
laugh.
Monica:
ms.)
to him and
Monica:
He
Wow! You're a lot sturdier
that Chandler. happy for you. And now
Oh,
that's great! I mean I'm-
ed of waiting.
you'r
crumpled Pete:
I can wor
I'm
sorry, but I'm so
Pete:
e trip?
like a
piece of paper. So how was
Monica:
I guess
you c
k for you!
Monica:
Well... (he
holds up a gift he brought her) over and kisses
him on the c
Oh my God! Oh, this is
incr
an.
edible! Ohh! (she rolls
gift)
Awww, hotel toiletries from Japan. Oh, these
Oh, what'd ya bring me?! (She opens the I'm just
gonna roll right into that off
heek) All right,
y'know what?
are
Pete:
ice and-and
quit!
want some coffee?
gonna go in my
permanent collection. You Monica:
All right.
Pete:
little push?
Okay. (she gets
ready
(She
YPete:
to go) Can you
give me a
behind the c
starts
eah,
sure, that'd be great.
to go and get the
coffee and falls Monica:
Yeah, sure. Good
luck!
Monica:
Woo-hoo!
Pete:
(popping bac
ounter.)
k up) RegularWe then
hear
(She
(rolling
rolls
towards
through a door
the off
way and
ice)
I'm
out
quitting!!
of sight.
Monica:
Ah, which ever is closest.
or
decaf?
the other way.)
a big
cr
Pete:
Okay. (hands him a cup)
Phoebe:
I'm okay
ash, and see Monica
roll past the door
Monica:
So ask me what
I did today.
Japan, made up a woman.
(to Pete) Wow
!! I'm all right!!
! That's
exciting, you went to
Pete:
So what did
you do today Pete? Pete:
to be the head chef.
I bought a restaurant and I would like you
Phoebe:
What?
Monica:
f
I'm
just saying, this woman, I mean she's
and
falls)
What?! Oh. (She Pete:
ictitious.
No?
[Scene:
Phoebe:
Why would you say
that?
Rachel about Pete's offer
Monic
turns around quickly
a and Rachel's,
Monica is telling there was somebody else so she
woul
'Cause you're still into Monica. So you
told her
Monica:
you,
restaur
Can
you believe
.]
he just offered me a
together
so 'cause you figure oh if you
d
agr
spent
ee to wor
a lot of
k with
time
Rachel:
ant?Pete:
Monica:
What a jerk! Y
ou want me to kick his ass?
Phoebe:
You're good. You'r
, maybe
something might happen, and...
I
substantial gift.
Yeah, no, I'm fairly
e good!
intuitive and psychic. It's a
Monica's Baker
got my
I mean this has
been like my dream sinc
first Easy Bake Oven
and opened Easy
e
Pete:
mean I
though?
Listen, can you promise me that
you won't tell her
paid my dues. (She r
can
totally
y. I mean I woul
do this job,
d
kill for this job. I
and GPhoebe:
Pete's just doing
Pete:
Absolutely, oh
I promise. Tell her what?
me.
this
bec
emoves her fake breasts) But
od knows I
ause he has a crush on Phoebe:
Thanks a
lot.
Rachel:
memor
No I'm serious. I
mean I'm intuitive, but my
Monica:
And
you'r[Scene:
y suc
restaur
sitting.]
Chandler
ks.
and Joey's, Chandler is
baby-chick
accept a necklace from Stu
Vinc
ant
Hmm,
from
no.
e still
not attracted to him at all?
hi-? I-
I mean
I-I-I can't. I
how can
coul
I
accept a
dn't even Chandler
grade.
ent
in the seventh chick-chic
Rachel:
there
was you're health teacher
Yeah, but Mon
that's totally different. He -chickeeeen.
a
chic
k
: Okay, but this is the last time.
(singing) With a
here,
k, ever
and
ywhere
a chick-chic
a chic
k
k-chic
there.
k-
Here
(Joey
a
enters)
chick,
Monica:
Joey:
(She
Chandler
Hey.
pain.)
slaps
Oh, please.
Rachel's
side
.
and Rachel screams
Joey:
Monica:
in
Chandler
How
: Hey.
's she doing?
Rachel:
What? Honey. Joey:
you c
Chandler
Well
yeah, don't-don't you think it's a she?
: She?
Monica:
rashed into me yesterday.
Oh, I am, my side still hurts from when
over
: I don't know. (He picks the chick up
and turns it
Rachel: I know.
Oh God, I'm
so sorr
y. it.) I can't tell, what
ever
, trying to determine the sex of the
chick, and blows on
Joey: Well, anyway, I got
it was went back in too quickly.
to go
change, I'm ah, meeting
32 of 41 Pages
Chandler
notice
: I know what you
meant!! (pause) You
f
Joey:
ighting a
lot mor
that ever since we
e than we used
too?
got this chick, we've been
chick.
I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to have
a
Chandler
Joey:
:
Ross:
Do you
think we'll get our thr
I'll take her back
tomorrow.
Chandler
(entering carr
ee
bucks back?
Ross:
: Hey
ying a garment
bag) Hey!
have that TV thing in like two
hours, and I need your
(sees the chick) Ohhh,
hey
!
! All right, listen, I-I
help,
This blue suit, or this brown one?
okay?
What do you think? (takes out two suits)
Joey:
your butt looks gr
Well, the
brown one brings out your eyes, but
Ross:
look)
Really? (Joey
eat in
the blue one.
gives him a 'Like I would know'
[Scene: Monic
some aspirin.]
a
and Rachel's, Rachel is trying to take
Rachel:
the bottle, but has trouble opening
it. She pops the top
(she reaches for the
bottle) Oww! (She grabs
off and aspirins fly
all over the place as Ross enters.)
Ross:
Rachel:
Wow
Oww
(
! That aspirin
dance really works!
Ross:
!
She bends
over to try and pick up the aspirin)
Rachel:
Oh my God, is that still...
Ross:
I'm fine, I'm f
Rachel:
No
you're not.
ine.
Ross:
Yes I am!
Rachel:
Rach!
aspirin between
Look, I'm
leg to
her
f
toes)
ine. Watch. (She picks up an
over
grab
the aspirin with
Look
her
at that. (She
lifts her
Ross:
.) Whoa-
hand and
almost falls
you have got to go to a doctor!
Okay
(stopping
whoa!
her from falling)
Okay, okay. Look,
Rachel:
dinner at my
bosses house. It's a ver
No. I have got to get
ready
?
a lot of people there I have to
meet.
y big deal, ther
and go to
e's
a
Ross:
impression. Hi! I'm Rachel
Gr
And I'm sure you're gonna make a big
(He lifts his leg and imitates shaking hands
w
een. It's nice to meet you.
like
how
her feet.) Come on, you probably have a
br
Rachel was trying to pick up the aspirin
with
ith it, just
Rachel:
oken rib!
still be broken then.
Well, I will go to
the hospital tomorrow, it'll
Ross:
Rachel:
Rach...
Ross:
But
y'know, I could use a hand getting ready.
Rachel:
Rachel...
Ross:
Rachel:
Fine. I'll go.
Look, either help me or go.
befor
(
Ross:
e you go, could you
help me f
with a hurt expression on her
face)
irst?
Okay, but
Chandler
(He
checks his watch) Sure. I'll help you.
know
how to get a chic
: (rushing in) Oh, good!
Good! Do you guys
Commercial Break
k out
of a VCR?!
[Scene: Rac
eye liner with her
left hand, as Ross is setting out her
hel's
bedroom, Rachel is trying to put on
shoes.]
Rachel:
do this w
(She drops the brush) Y'know what? I cannot
with this too?
ith my left hand! Would you
please, help me
Ross:
her
Ohh. (He
drops the shoes, takes the brush from
Rachel:
, and lic
brush. (
(taking
ks the tip. He doesn't like how it tastes.)
the brush back) Okay. Let's
Ross:
Hands him another one.)
use this
Rachel:
Okay. This stuff?
Ross:
Yeah.
Rachel:
All right.
sw
Ross:
eep it across the lid. Okay
Careful. Light. Okay, do you know how, just
brush.)
Oke-dokey. (He pokes her
?
Just sweep it.
in the eye with the
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel:
Sorr
Oh-ho!
Ross:
Rachel:
Sorr
Hey
y.
y, I'm sorr
! That's just poking me in the
eye!
y. Close, close, close...
Ross:
Rachel:
I'm sweeping...
Okay, just sweep it.
Ross:
eye, making it
look like she has a black eye.)
Sweep,
Right.
sweep.... (He starts to paint it on
her
Rachel:
Ross:
Okay, now
make it even, 'cause we don't...
Rachel:
What? What?
to be subtle.
We don't want
it-it to be too much, we want it
(
Ross:
Of course it's too late for
that.)
enough of this. (Rac
No. No, y'know
you don't,
you don't wear
Rachel:
Since when, since when do you think I don't
hel is shocked) What?
wear
Ross:
enough of this?
gonna like this a little better
Well I,
close your eyes,
(He gets some more on the
brush)
, 'cause, close-close...
I just
think you're
Rachel:
Ross:
will
make you a little more sophisticated.
(blow
Blow it.
s it) Sorry. 'Cause umm, I
think this
Rachel:
[Scene:
already
ther
Centr
Sophisticated like a hooker?
al Per
Monica:
Phoebe:
Hey
e.]
k, Monica is entering, Phoebe is
!
Monica:
Hey!
Phoebe:
Hey, guess what I'm doing tonight.
Monica:
Pete.
What?
I'm
chec
king out the restaurant with
Phoebe:
Monica:
Ohh, Monica, I am so
excited for you.
Phoebe:
I know.
Monica:
Phoebe:
What?
Ooh, I have
to tell you something.
Monica:
to tell me
something that you could tell me.
Okay, but
wouldn't it be easier
But I c
an't
tell you.
if you had
Phoebe:
promised
I woul
Well, sure in a
gods.
dn't
tell, and I swore to like all my
perfect
world. But, no, I
Monica:
Rachel?
Okay.
Does it
Phoebe:
have to do with Ross
and
Monica:
No.
Phoebe:
Does it
have to do with Joey
Monica:
No.
?
and that sock that he keeps by his bed?
Does it have to do with-with Chandler
Phoebe:
[Scene: Rachel's Bedroom, Ross is
f
No, but let's come back to that later!
make-up.]
inishing up her
Ross:
huh?
There you go! Good enough for your party,
(She turns
way over
and looks
eyes.)
done. She looks
in the
mirror
like she
,
has
and
two
blac
it's way,
k
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel:
Yep?
Sure.
from purchasing.
Sure, I'll just sit next
to the trans-sexual
Ross:
good luc
Okay, come on! All right, I gotta go! So
Rachel:
k at the party. Okay?
help me
get dressed?
Oh wait, Ross, would you just
stay and
Ross:
Rachel:
(chec
around.
Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay,
just turn
ks his watch) Sure, okay.
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
Ross:
I
don't want you to see me naked!
I
sucked
ate
Rachel, I've seen you
naked a million times.
hot
button?
that
fudge
mini-marshmallow
off you naked.
out
Remember
of your
,
belly
I-I
Rachel:
mean, we were, we were
going
Yeah, but that was different. Y'know? I
think it's weird.
out then, now I
Ross:
I want.
Rach, y'know I can see
you naked any time
Rachel:
Ross:
(closes
his eyes) Woo-hoo!!
A
What?
ll I have
to do is close my eyes. See?
Rachel:
Ross:
Rachel:
Ah, I'm
sorr
Ross! Stop that!
like that any
mor
Come on! I don't want you thinking of me
y.
Ross:
e!
one of my ah,
Ahh,
sorry, nothing you can do about it. It's
his
eyes again) Oop, oh yeah!
rights as the ex-
boyfriend. (closes
Rachel:
Ross:
(closes
Okay, okay, I'm sorr
Stop it! Cut it out!
C
y, it w
ut it out!
now
Rachel:
there are a hundr
eyes) Uh-oh!
ed of you
and I'm the king.
Wait a minute!
ill never
happen...
Wait-wait,
Ross:
deal.
Come on, w
Rosss...
ould you grow up?
It's no big
Rachel:
F
All right. (She
starts to take off her robe)
Ross:
ine.
Rachel:
Yowzah!!!
doing it by my
O-kay
Ross:
self now. Okay?
!! See what
you did, I'm gonna be
Rachel:
Aww,
c
Ross:
That's it. (She crawls onto
the bed) Ow!!!
ome on.
Rachel:
Oh my
God!
Ross:
Oh-ow!
Rachel:
All
right.
Ross:
Ow!
Rachel:
Look...
Ross:
Ow!
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
Ow!
Rachel:
Rach?
Ross:
Ow
! Ow!
Okay?
Easy. Easy. You have to go to the hospital.
Rachel:
Ross:
Okay, I do.
Rachel:
Okay.
Ross:
I really do.
I'll-
Okay, I'm gonna get your coat and
then
Rachel:
I'll put you in a cab.
gonna come with me?
Okay. Oh wait, wait-
wait, you're not
Ross:
have to make a c
(He thinks about it) Of course I am. I just
Rachel:
all.
Ross:
Rachel:
Okay
Okay.
Thank
? (goes into the
living room)
you. (She goes to take
off her
make-up and screams in pain)
Oww
Ross:
Rachel:
(rushing back in)
What?! I wh-, w
!!!! God!
hat's wrong?
this.
I'm sorry, I just can't go to the
hospital lookin' like
[Scene:
Phoebe won't
tell her
Central Perk,
Monica:
.]
Monica is trying to find out
what
Phoebe:
Does it involve travel?
Monica:
Noo!
Phoebe:
Does it
involve clogs?
Monica:
Oh, wait, wait.
Clogs, or claws?
Phoebe:
Clogs.
Monica:
No.
Phoebe:
Claws?!
Monica:
Chandler or Joey. But, what about
Pete?
No.
Okay, so it doesn't
involve Ross or Rachel or
Phoebe:
Monica:
(
Phoebe:
What
is it?! What about Pete?
Shaking her head yes)
No!
Monica:
I don't know! (frantically
points at Monic
Phoebe would you just tell me!
Okay, I feel like I'm talking to Lassie. All
a)
right,
Phoebe:
Monica:
I
can't!!
Phoebe:
Okay, I gotta go. (gets
up)
Monica:
I, but you're so close! No!
computer company?
Okay, does it
involve something to do with Pete's
Phoebe:
[Scene:
Oh, just go.
Y
Baywatch
Chandler
ou're never gonna
get it!
the chic
w
and Joey's, Chandler
is watching
and is chirping.]
k is on the
other
ith the baby
. It's watchi
chick.
He's on one leather chair,
Chandler
a
completely differ
: I know. See, yes. That's
Yasmine Bleeth, she's
ng Yasmine Bleeth
run
ver
ent kind of chick. I love you both.
But in
Joey:
y differ
Chandler
(entering) Hey
ent ways.
Joey:
has
(sees
: Hey
he's watching
!
!
Baywatch
) Ohhh. (sees
were gonna take
her back to the store today.
the chick) Ahh!
What are you doing?! I thought you
he still
Chandler
then I took her to the
shelter
: I did! But the store w
out?
,
and you know w
ouldn't take her bac
hat I
found
k! So
(Joey wants to know, but
Chandler
it by
and away from the
chic
the chick, so he and Joey move over to
the w
doesn't want to disc
indows
uss
Chandler
k.)
And I'm not gonna let
that happen to little Yasmine!
: If they can't
find a home for her, they kill her!
Joey:
kinda having sec
Okay, good,
good, good, 'cause, good, 'c
Chandler
kinds
of other ani
: Okay. And
ond thoughts too.
it's not just
ause I was
chicks
y'know? It's all
Joey:
mals!
Chandler
That's horrible! Well, you did
the right thing man.
(He hear
: Thanks, I'm
glad you see it that way.
liv
with the
duc
ing room from the bathroom. Joey wants to
know what's
a duck start quacking, and see it
waddle into the
Chandler
[Scene:
Monica
around the kitchen.]
Pete's
: Ohhh-hoo,
funny stor
k.)
Restaurant's Kitchen,
y!
Monica:
Pete is showing
It's
but
gigantic! I mean I
I
don't believe this! W
could live
ow, look
at this refrigerator!
burners! I love spider
burners.
I'm always cold. Oh my God,
in
this
look
thing!
at these
I'd be
spider
cold,
Pete:
Monica:
So you like it?
over and hugs hi
Oh, it is
sooo perfect. Thank you so much. (runs
Pete:
m)
Monica:
Oh, you're
welc
ome. (He takes a deep breath)
Pete:
Did you just smell my hair?
Monica:
Nooo. Uh-huh, no way. What? No.
Pete:
Oh God.
Monica:
What?
Pete:
that's all.
Now,
You still
have feelings for me don't you?
nooo! I'm just
excited about the restaurant,
Monica:
Pete:
Pete.
Monica:
Okay, I love you. Is that so bad?
nice.
No, it's not bad. It's not bad at all. It's-it's
really
Pete:
okay with that.
Look, the
only who stands to get hurt is me. And I'm
Monica:
okay with being the one w
You
may be okay about getting hurt, but I am not
take this job.
ho hurts you. That's why I
can't
Pete:
Monica:
What?
anymor
Pete:
e. I'm sorr
And
well, we probably
y.
shouldn't see
each other
you want, okay.
Okay, yeah. I
mean... If that's, if that's really what
Monica:
(She kisses
Okay, bye.
the
mouth.)
him on the
cheek, and he
kisses her back on
Pete:
Monica:
I'm sorry things didn't work out...
something.
All right shut up for a second and let me
just see
(They then hug and kiss, ver
(She
kisses him back on the lips) Oh, wow
[Scene:
The Hallway Between The Apartments, Ross
y
passionately.)
!
Rachel are c
and
her up the stairs.]
oming
bac
Rachel:
k from the hospital. Ross
is helping
Ross:
Okay, you'd tell me the
truth. Right?
Rachel:
Rach, you can't look
fat in an x-ray.
(As
his duc
they
approach the
Okay.
door, Chandler comes
out
Chandler
k.)
carrying
about
w
:
Okay! Now you stay out here, and
you think
Ross:
hat you did!!
Chandler
(to Chandler) That's a duck.
go tonight, Ross?
: That's a bad duck!!!
(to Ross) How'd the thing
Ross:
Rachel:
Oh, it was, nah, well....
Ross: Nothing,
What thing? What thing?
ah there was this
thing at the museum.
33 of 41 Pages
Season 3
Come on. (they go into her
apartment) E
Chandler
back I hope you
remember
: (to the duck) Okay, now when you
asy.
(He goes back into the apartment)
that, that chick is not a toy
come
!
[cut to inside Monica and Rachel's]
Rachel:
Ross:
The Discover
I was kinda,
What thing? What is this thing?
supposed to be on TV tonight for
Rachel:
y Channel
.
Ross:
Oh my
God!
Rachel:
Yeah.
Ross:
me go,
Eh, 'cause I knew that if I told you, you'd
make
Ross, why didn't you tell me that?
you tonight. Come on. Come on.
and I knew
you needed someone to be with
Rachel:
Ross:
I cannot believe you.
Rachel:
What?
(They both look at
eac
That is the sweetest thing, I just....
Ross:
sleep.
(breaking the
h other
for a w
silence) You shoul
hile)
d
get some
Rachel:
Ross:
Okay.
Rachel:
So, I'll umm...
Ross:
I'll
see you tomorr
No, that's, no, as long as
you'r
Oh, I'm sorry I spoiled you're evening.
Rachel:
ow.
e okay. So I'll ah,
(He
leaves)
Um-hmm, yeah.
Rachel:
(In
(After he closes the door) See ya.
step.)
the
Chandler
hallway, Ross all
dejected, sits down on the
Ross) W
:
(coming out of his apartment and seeing
Closing Credits
hat did you do?
[Scene:
watching the duc
Chandler and
Joey's Bathroom: Chandler
Joey:
Chandler
What 'cha doing?
k
swim in the bathtub.]
is
Joey:
: Having
a swim.
Chandler
What about the
chick?
Joey:
: Chicks don't swim.
Chandler
Are you sure?
Joey:
: I
don't know. Should we tr
y it?
(Chandler pic
Sure.
Chandler
to
take it out)
: See, I told you they
ks up
the chick and drops it in the water.)
Joey:
Chandler
(stopping hi
don't swim. (He goes
m) Wait. Give hi
baby,
baby, baby.
: Noo! (takes him out) Oh, it's
okay, it's okay,
m a minute.
(Joey
pic
End
ks up and turns on a hair
dryer.)
322
The One With The
Screamer
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe
is on the phone,
Chandler
Ross
bedroom.]
is
and Monica ar
in the
kitchen
e sitting in the living room, and
as Rachel
Rachel:
supposed to call my
Dad bac
Oh,
enters from her
Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was
Phoebe:
soon as you get a chanc
Oh,
yeah, he clipped on, he said call him as
k
like two hours ago.
Rachel:
e, he's at
Flimby's.
Phoebe:
What's Flimby's?
remember the real thing.
Oh, yeah, that's
the word I use when I can't
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Okay. Hang up! That's
it! Come on!
My warranty
No! Rachel,
that's what they want me to do.
they're not
gonna f
expires tomorrow, if I don't get
through,
We c
ix my crappy, broken phone
for free!
Chandler
annot let them win! It's
us versus them!
Joey:
: Ye-e-es!!
All:
Joey:
Hey.
(entering) Hey.
Who-
Uh, listen
I gotta double
check for tickets tonight.
Chandler
who got
what?
Monica:
, Phoebe, and Rachel: I had
one.
have a boyfriend now
I need two. I'm
bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I
Joey:
!
Ross:
Two it is. Ross, how about you?
Monica:
Uh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
Chandler
Really? Who's number two?
diff
: Who's number two? One of the more
Ross:
icul
Phoebe:
U
t games
sewer workers play.
h, no, it's-it's just this
person.
Ross:
Like a date type (looks at
Rachel) person?
that won't be too weird. Will
it, Rach?
Yeah, kinda. It's this woman from
work. I hope
Rachel:
gonna bring someone
myself, so...
No. No, not at all, not at all.
I actually was
Joey:
Rachel:
But you
said one.
Joey:
guy
Okay.
I meant,
me plus one!
(to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah,
you
Ross:
s mean you plus one?
Joey:
All right, I'll see you tonight.
Rachel:
Okay.
Chandler
Okay, bye-
bye!
Monica:
(Ross exits)
Bye-
bye!
: Bye!
Rachel:
Joey:
Okay,
I need a date! (runs to her
bedroom)
Kate!
Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna
get to meet
All:
Joey:
Oh!
cologne. I hope she likes it.
(to
Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your
Monica:
happen, she's seeing somebody.
Joey, what are you doing?! It's never gonna
Chandler
Joey:
:
Chandler
The
gr
Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.
(In
horror, Joey wipes his nec
: Oh! Wor
een
bottle next to the shaving cream.
m medicine
for the duck.
k and smells it.)
Season 3
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting
ready to go to Joey's premiere and Phoebe is
still
on hold.]
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here
you go. You can wear
this. (hands her a
sweater)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Monica: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Ooh, I'm setting the
phone down. (does so) But I'm still here! Just
don't
go anywhere I'm still here. (starts to
put on the
sweater) Don't-don't switch or
anything, 'cause I'm,
I'm right here. (She has
pulled the sweater over
her head, but her head
is stuck in a sleeve.) Just
one sec. One sec!
One second!! (She is now
frantically trying to
get the sweater on, as Monica
returns from the
bathroom.) Wait! One second!
Just...
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?! Monica, I'm
scared!!
Monica: All right. Honey,
that's-that's a sleeve.
Okay?
two naked
girls on the see-saw.
Joey: I-I wasn't in
that.
Chandler: I know.
Joey: (sees Kate)
Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you
to
meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.
Monica: Hi!
The Director: (stepping in)
Excuse me. Excuse me. (to
Kate) Sweetheart!
(Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
Chandler:
So that's the girl you like.
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: (drags Chandler over to buffet table)
I'm telling you,
this guy Rachel is with is
crazy! Okay? He viscously
screamed at total
strangers! I think he's baaad news!
Chandler:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like
the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd.
[cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
Joey:
Oh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is
Kate's
understudy, Lauren.
Rachel: Oh, hi!
Lauren: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. Gosh, you look
soo familiar.
Lauren: Oh, yeah! I-I ran into
you in the hallway in your
Joey: Oh, you
didn't see the Post?
Kate: No. You?
Joey:
No. Why?
[Scene: Kate's Apartment, Joey and
Kate are returning
from a night out on the
town.]
Kate: (drunk) So you really think those
newspapers
are just jealous of me?
Joey:
Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good
looking.
Kate: Oh, you're sweet and cute.
Joey: I know! That's why they trashed me!
(They kiss.)
Joey: Whoa. Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Kate: What?
Joey: I, I
don't get you. I mean first, you hate me.
Then
you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do
with me, now you want me again.
Kate:
What? So you never went out with an actress
before?
Joey: Kate, do you even like me?
Kate: Of course I do.
Joey: Well so, how
come you blew me off? Y'know?
Phoebe:
Monica:
building. It was right
after I slept w
turns on the speaker phone.)
And! We also have speaker phone. (
Yeah.
the next day.
ith Joey. He dumped me
Hold Voice:
[cut to Monica, Pete, and
Cailin]
important to us.
Please, stay on
She
the line. Your call is
Cailin:
Monica:
Pete:
So. How'd you guys
meet?
we'r
Okay, wait, you couple
Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued
her for a
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone,
but...)
e gonna be late.
gotta hang up
'cause
dollars, and she was mine.
of
months, then I gave her a check for 20,000
Hold Voice:
Monica:
the next caller
Thank you for your patience, you'r
telling people the short version.
Yeah,
and in the long version, I dump him for
Phoebe:
[cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey's
agent, approaches]
gonna have me hang up.
Yes!! Yes!! I'm the next c
.
e
aller!
You were Estelle:
Chandler
Joey:
Joey,
sweetheart, you were fabulous!
Hey
:
(entering, cEstelle:
Hey you guys, this is my
agent, Estelle.
theatr
! Can you take a
arr
duck
ying the c
and a
hick
and duc
chick to the
k)
tw
How do
you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you
Monica:
e? representation?
o girls were
Phoebe:
Of course not. Joey:
outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have
Chandler
No. Rachel:
No, they-they
weren't in the play.
from somebody else.
:
Okay. I just wanted them to hear it Estelle:
We're not actors.
[Scene:
to Monica)
Ooh, what a shame! Bec
with her date,
T
Joey's Premiere, Rachel is already there put
something together
and her chest
ause with
her face (points
who w
Chandler
.
(points to Rachel) I could really
Meet The
Parents
ill be in
Ther
ommy who's played
by Ben Stiller
[cut to later]
: Could I
borrow it?
arriv
,
e's Something About
Mar
as Ross and his date, Cailin,
y
and
Cailin:
Ross:
e.] Ross:
Rachel:
Hey, hey Rach! someone just c
(to Ross)
Hi! Remember me?
Hi! Yeah! Tommy's in line for
the bathroom and
Ross:
(He's watching
ver
ut in front of him, I think he's gonna
snap.
Rachel:
Hi!
Oh, hi!
Cailin:
the c
How are you? (She goes to
kiss him on Ross:
Ross, I'm gonna go.
y
intently)
him on the shoulder
heek, but
stops because of the dates and pats Cailin:
Go? Why?
Ross:
.) standing around all
night waiting for some guy who
I don't know.
Could be because I don't feel
Rachel:
Good. may not scr
may
like
or
Ross:
Ross:
Rachel:
So it's looks
like we'r
Hey.
e the fCailin:
But-but
Cailin, he def
eam.
initely
w
Wooo!!
Yeah, looks that way. First
irst ones here.
ones here!
Ross:
Ross:
The Director
U
Good bye
Ross.
ill scream.
h, oh-ho bye.
(An
awkward silence follow
Yay!! go
Rachel:
s.) Lucille Lortel
Theatr
people! (starts
: (entering
reading
carr
the
ying a
review)
new
Boxing
spaper) Here we
Day!
Tommy:
Oh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross,
Tommy. giv
Ross:
worst thing in this
production.
es an uneven perfor
e, blah-la-
la-la... Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni,
The
mance,
but Mr. Tribianni is not the
(They all tr
Hey. Oh, I'm sorr
Hey.
Joey:
up
The
other's hand, and Ross says...)
criss-
crossing
y and shake
y, this is Cailin.
they're
hands at once. They
arms to
shake each
end
portrayal
Director
Yes!!! Ha-ha-ha!
Ross:
Badda-badda-badda.
is laughable.
: Kate Miller's
(
awkward and mannered
(
Marshal
Ah-ha!
Kate
Here
walks
it is!
away
The dir
depressed.)
Rachel:
Awkward laughter follows.)
And!
Break!!
dow
Talmant is... (stops, reads
it again, and
ection
throws
by
ladies room.
Okay, uhh, I think I'm going
to run to the you've
n the paper in disgust)
Thank you, boys and girls,
Tommy:
with my
Mother's crab cakes! (starts to leave)
Exc
ruined my life. Please, stuff your
talentless fac
Cailin:
Okay. (Joey
Tommy:
I'll join you. him.)
steps in a
picks up the paper, the gang all
use me!!
es
look at
Ross:
I'll get our
seats. Joey:
well, this-this is uh, this
is awkward.
Okay. (The girls leave.) (to
Tommy) So uh, [Scene:
Anyone mind if I save
this?
Tommy:
returning. Phoebe is
Monica and
Ross:
YMonica:
still
Rachel's,
on hold.]
Monica and Rachel are
out.
Well
y'know 'cause Rac
eah?
hel and I used to go
Rachel:
Hey!
Tommy:
Phoebe:
Hey!
Ross:
Monica:
Oh, is the play over?
you uh...
Oh! Well then
Oh, I
didn't, I didn't know
this is awkwar
that.
d. So what do Hold Voice:
Yeah. Where were
you?
Tommy:
caller
Ross:
Monica:
.
Thank you for your patience, you're the next
Tommy:
Oh! Yeah.
I think we're here.
be going cr
You
wer
Ross:
Phoebe:
azy.
e the next
caller five hours ago. You must
U
(Both
Rachel
Nah. I kept myself busy.
be in our
seats.
h, huh. Excuse
Okay. (sees two
people sitting in their
Yeah.
me, I'm
sorry, I-I think you may
seats.)
and
c
Man:
their faces.)
ome back into the
living room with c
and Monica walk into their
bedrooms, stop,
Tommy:
Umm, no, I don't
think so. Phoebe:
Man:
Can-can we take a
look at your ticket? room, and her stuff in your
room.
Oh, okay, yeah. (to Monic
onfused looks on
a) I put your stuff in
her
Ross:
Sure. (Hands him the ticket.)
(They
D-13, and uh...
(looking at ticket)
Yep! Yeah, see this says and follow their stuff
into their new rooms.)
both look at each other,
nod their heads
Man:
[Scene:
'All
right'
Tommy:
Oh, well I thought that
ah... comfort Kate.]
The Theatre, after the
party. Joey is trying to
didn't
Oh, you
thought, huh? Yeah, well that
Joey:
idiot
Kate:
Hey
D-13!
!!
really work out too well for you did it you
Joey:
Fabulous.
! Are you okay?
numbers!! Did that give you some clue?!
Okay?!
What are you?! A
Look you'r
e
moron!!
surrounded
Huh?!
by
It
even
says
who c
Man:
do?
ouldn't make it as actors. You know w
Listen, drama critics they're nothing but, but
people
hat you should
Tommy:
Uh, the
usher told us to come... Kate:
with
Oh!
Oh! The usher must be right! What, The
(They
start
all that Kate) A plague on both your
houses! (
Director
Become a dr
:
(entering,
ama critic!
drunk) I am
his
to
training
leave.) Her
they
e!
go through! Get out!!
Kate:
walks away)
hurt! (to Joey and
the aisle?
ticket.)
(to Ross, calmly)
(He
Hey man, you want
throws him back
rev
Ross:
Joey:
iew.
By the way,
he dumped me tonight after he read my
[Scene: The Theatr
No, I'm good. (
He sits down, stunned.) Kate:
Oh, classy.
The
gave up a part on a soap for
this!
Yep! I sure know
how to pick
'em, huh? Y'know I
runs in.]
gang is
already
e, at the
there, except Phoebe.
post premiere party.
Joey
Joey:
Chandler
Kate:
Wow! Yeah I ah, I
gave up a job too.
Monica:
: (seeing Joey)
There he is! Joey:
Really.
What?
Joey:
you home. We'll stop by
Uh,
de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk
Chandler
So, so, w
There's our
star!
: Almost
hat'd ya think?
as good
as that play with the
copy
every news
stand and burn every
Kate:
of their Times
and the Post.
Why the Post?
34 of 41
Pages
How c
Kate:
ome you were with
hi
to
talented guy... Why c
pic
I
don't know
k the like the
! I just, just do
this! I-I always have
m?
smartest guy, or-
or the most
Joey:
an't I just pick someone
like you?
Kate:
Thanks.
guy.
out
and slumps against his shoulder
Joey, you're
just
You know what I mean. I
so, you're
mean like the sweetest
so, so...
(
Joey:
Okay. Okay, okay, hey. (Lays her
down and covers her
(Checks to see if she's
drooling
.)
She passes
on his shirt.)
with
there. (Looks at her) Good night,
Kate. Sweet dreams.
a blanket.) There we go,
let's get your feet up
(Pic
here in
case you have to hurl.
ks up a garbage can)
I'm gonna put this can right
Commercial
Break
[Scene:
Phoebe is
Monica and
Rachel's, the next morning,
Hold
Voice:
STILL
important to us.
Please
stay on the line. You're call is ver
on hold.]
y
Monica:
been up for 24 hours! Go to
sleep, honey. Th-this isn't
(entering from
her bedroom) Pheebs, you've
healthy.
Phoebe:
all the riboflavin.
No, no,
I'm fine, and y'know why? 'Cause of
Joey:
Monica:
(entering,
happily
Joey:
happened. Hey, Pheebs, where
were ya?
Y
Hey
eah!
! Didn't you
have that outf
) Hey!
I stayed at Kate's,
but
it on last night?
ah, nothing
Phoebe:
gonna
I'm so, so, so sorry,
Joey. I definitely am
important
see
play is the next play is the next play I'm
gonna see.
to
you're
us, thank you for
your
play. I swear you're
patienc
play
e. You'r
is very
e
Monica:
Joey:
and it was amazing how
Oh,
Anyway, how
it was great!
did it
go with Kate?
Then ah, then she passed out,
but then she woke up.
muc
Yeah, I-
h we
connected, y'know?
I walked her home,
Yeah?
we'r
And we stayed up all night
talking, and
Monica:
e like totally
cr
now
Joey:
Joey, you had the night!
azy about each other!
Monica:
What?
for
they
each
W
other
hen two people f
, and-and they
inally r
talk
ealise their feelings
for hours, and
Joey:
-they learn all
about the other person!
Monica:
You-you
think?
Joey:
Did you like learn about her
family?
Monica:
Two brothers, one died!
Joey:
Yes!!
Monica:
Yeah?!
[Scene:
on the couch, Rachel is on the
chair
Centr
Oh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
al Perk, Chandler and Monic
a are
sitting
Gunther
woman at the bar
:
(bringing Chandler a
.]
Chandler
.
cup) This is from the
(He
something to
Gunther; who comes bac
turns
: Oh-ho-ho-ho.
and looks at
her. The woman whispers
mug away from Chandler
k and takes the
Gunther
else.
: Sorry. She thought
.)
you were somebody
Rachel:
Monica:
What time is
it?
Ross:
One.
Chandler
One.
work.
: 7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch
doesn't
Rachel:
going to lunch.
Tommy's supposed to be here soon, we're
Ross:
you, but... A
Look. Look, I
wasn't going to
Tommy anymore.
ll right, I
don't think you should be seeing
say anything
to
Rachel:
Ross:
think you should stay
away from hi
No!
You don't?!
The guy
is mean. I mean really mean. I
Rachel:
men.
Umm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all
m.
Ross:
and Chandler
No, it's not
just 'cause I'm jealous. (Both Monic
not, I'm
not, I'm not jealous, okay
give him a 'Come on'
a
he
? It's... Look, the guy,
look) I mean I'm
sitting in our seats.
screamed, he actually screamed at this couple
Chandler
up y'know,
: Yeah, and at the
end of the play, he, he got
banging his hands
together!
and he just started like, (claps his
hands)
Ross:
No, that's f
Okay, fine,
fine. You don't want to believe me?
Monica:
Chandler
We'r
ine. (starts
to leave)
e kidding!
Monica;
[cut
to outside of Central Perk]
Ross!
: Ross,
don't. Ross!
Ross: You don't want to
believe me, I'm Mr
. Funny to
Season 3
you. Mr. Funny... (turns
around and almost spills
his coffee on Tommy)
Tommy: Whoa!!
Ross: Whoa, sorry Tommy.
Tommy: What's in the cup, Ross?
Ross:
Umm...
Tommy:What is in the cup?!
Ross:
Okay, it's coffee.
Tommy: Ice coffee? Tell me
it's ice coffee!
Ross: It's-it's hot...
Tommy: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!! You were
gonna
spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!!
What are you
just some big, dumb, stupid,
doofy idiot, with a
doofy idiot hairdo, huh?!
Huh?!
[cut to inside Central Perk, we see
Ross quietly
tapping on the window,
desperately trying to get
the gang's
attention, while Tommy is still
screaming at
him]
Rachel: (not seeing Ross) What's your
favourite
thing about summertime?
Monica:
Umm, going to the beach. When it stays
light
real late.
Rachel: Yeah...
Joey: Wh-wh-
what's going on? Wh-what's this about L.A.?
Kate: They still want me for
General
Hospital
.
Joey: But, but wh-what about us?
Kate: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can't
stay here just
for you.
Joey: Well, so,
stay for the museums!
Kate: I'm sorry.
Stage Manager: Joey, onstage!
Joey: Well
can you at least stay to the end of the play? I
mean, I'll go to the airport with ya, I-I
wanna say good bye.
Lauren: (yelling from
onstage) Where are you Vic?
Kate: Flight's in
an hour. I-I gotta go.
Lauren: Vic! Vic!
Vic!!!
Joey: (to Lauren) In a minute!!
[cut to the end of the play]
Lauren: So
this is it? Victor?
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is.
(sees Kate is watching, he turns
Lauren so
that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look
like
he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I
gotta say good bye,
and-and I gotta say it
quick 'cause this is killing me. One
thing you
gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But,
you've got things you have to do now, and so
do I. And so...
I'm gonna get on this
spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in
Chandler:
Well, y'know if Joey and I played with
matches
we could get you up to an even hundred.
Vince: (dead serious) Fire safety is not a
joke, son.
Chandler: You're right, I know.
Vince: (to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on
call
tonight. (kisses her) See you Saturday.
(leaves)
Phoebe: Okay. (watches him leave)
Rachel: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought
you
just started dating that Kindergarten
teacher.
Phoebe: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh,
we're seeing each
other tonight.
Rachel:
What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's
so
unlike you.
Phoebe: I know, I know! I'm like
playing the field.
Y'know? Like, juggling two
guys, I'm sowing my wild
oats. Y'know? Y'know,
this kind've like y'know
oat-sowin', field-
playin' juggler.
Joey: So Pheebs, do they know
about each other?
Phoebe: Does a dog's lips
move when he reads? (Joey
makes an `I don't
know' face, and looks to Chandler
and Rachel,
who're also stumped) Okay, no they don't.
Ross: (entering) Hey guys!
Joey: Hey.
Tommy:
who follows hi
(entering,
finished with yelling at Ross,
Rachel:
thing about summer?
Tommyyyy
m in shell shocked) (happily
! Say,
what's your favourite
) Hey!
Tommy:
freshly cut grass.
Ooh, I don't
know. Probably the smell of
Chandler
(Ross
now
is having
: Ohh, that's a good one.
a fit, about how calm Tommy
[Scene:
Bac
)
is
late.]
kstage at Joey's
play, Joey is arriving,
Joey:
duck and my
chic
Sorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm
Stage
you buddy. Come on, let's go! Let's
go!
Manager
k and a f
: Look, we
ight, it-it was ugly.
late! My
held
the curtain for
[cut
the doorbell rings.]
to onstage with Lauren standing
in
for Kate,
Lauren:
you been, baby?!
(answering the door) Vic! Where have
Joey:
(w
Lauren:
hispering) Wher
(surprised it's Lauren) (hugs her)
Joey:
(whispering) She got a job in L.A.
e's Kate?
Lauren:
(stunned) What?!
Where
Where have you been? Vic?!
have
I've
you
been
been?
waiting
(Joey
up all
doesn't
night
answer)
for ya.
Joey:
dow
Oh, ahh, go to the window. I'm wanna run
Lauren:
n to the truc
of the w
(at
the window,
k and show you something.
she's
What do you got under that
tarp?
indow) What do you got dow
looking
n ther
down out
e, Vic?
Joey:
sticks
(grabs
leaving?
his head
the
in)
window from the outside and
Lauren:
(whispering) When is she
doing?
(whispering) Tonight. What are you
Joey:
floor) I'm coming up!
(making like he is yelling up to the second
[Scene: Monica and
are in the kitchen,
Rachel and Monic
Rachel's, Chandler and
the
living room, and Phoebe is, you guessed it, still
a are sitting in
Ross
on
hold.]
Tommy:
Phoebe:
Hey, mind if
I use the phone?
Chandler
Oh, I... (starts
jabbering incoherently
'cause
she...has...problems.
: Why don't you use ours
across the hall,
)
Ross:
coffee,
almost running into Tommy
(coming out of the
kitchen with a cup of
Sorr
) Oh-ho, whoa!
you.
y, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot
coffee on
Tommy:
Ross:
Yeah, but you
didn't.
(We
apartment)
see
No, but
it's-it's-it's hot!
Tommy go into Joey and
Chandler's
Rachel:
really old.
Ross,
w
ould you just stop it! It's getting
Ross:
Phoebe:
I can't believe no one
believes me!
Ross:
Phoebe:
You do
Pheebs?
I do, I believe you.
the phone)
when she said I was next.
Yeah. But I also
believed her (points to
[cut
using the phone]
to Chandler and Joey's
apartment, Tommy is
Tommy:
little fella.
(pic
(noticing the chick)
Ooh,
hey
are you doing?
ks up the chick) Mr.
Fuzzy-
! Hey, there
poops on his hand.)
Eww
(starts to pet him) Aww. (
Man, how
Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! O
!
Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!!
The chick
I'm so
cute, I'm a little chic
h look at me,
you'r
k who's disgusting! God,
duck
wattles behind hi
e so stupid, how
ar
Quac
m and quac
e you not yet
extinct!! (the
ks) (to the duck)
quac
(We
king about?! Dumb Donald
Doo-
k-quack, quack-quack!! What are you
door
see the gang staring at him
Doo!!
through
the
Chandler
ways.)
Tommy:
you went
:
Ooh,
Step away from the duck.
and
doody
sorr
in my
y
little
hand!
Mr.
(starts
Chic-A-
to walk out
Dee, sorry
going out anymor
stops) (to Rachel)
(He
leaves the gang in stunned silenc
e. Whaa!!!
Well, I guess we're not
[Scene: Bac
for
bags.]
the next
kstage at Joey's play,
Joey is c
e.)
scene as Kate arrives,
carry
hanging
ing her
Kate:
Joey:
Joey
Kate:
Hey
!
you before.
I'm
!
soo glad I
caught you, I couldn't find
from the ceiling,
and a ladder comes down, w
colored lights on
the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon
ith flashing,
7
years fr
in search
of alternative fuels. But when
at
great-
gr
all.
om now, you'll be long gone. But I
won't have aged
I return, 200
(gets on the
ladder)
Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet
her
eat-granddaughter to look
So
me
you
up,
tell your
(The ladder
retracts, taking Joey up into the spac
.
because
his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate
waves good bye.)
eship
for
Lauren:
retracts)
So long,
Closing Credits
Vic! (waving good bye
as the ladder
[Scene:
there. Phoebe is,
well you y'know.]
Monica
and Rachel's,
the gang, except Joey, is
Monica:
Phoebe:
Phoebe, it's been two days.
801 numbers. Right?
Yeah, I know. Oh,
good thing it's one of those
Ross:
Phoebe:
Phoebe, 800 is toll free,
801 is-is Utah.
up
'C
the instruc
No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it's has to be 800.
(pic
tion
ks
one.
ause
company
has one.
(F
all those
inds the
big
manual to check the phone number)
number)
companies
Yeah,
have
ever
800
y big
numbers,
Utah-based
every
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Phoe-be!!
Chandler
Sorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay
you back.
All:
: And yet, she's still not
hanging up the phone.
Phoebe:
Hang it up!
Hang up the phone!!
Oh-oh!
Fine! Fine!
(slams the phone down, breaking it)
Monica:
Phoebe:
What?
the number you
c
Well, I think I broke it. But that's all
right, her
e's
Monica:
an call.
End
(sarcastic) Oh.
323
The One With Ross's Thing
[Scene:
play
Chandler
Joey:
ing
with the duck and the chic
and Joey's,
Chandler
k.]
and Joey are
little
baby
Hey, wouldn't
Chandler
? W
be
cool if our duck and chick had a
Ross:
:
Or
e could call it Chuck.
Chandler
(entering) Hey.
... Dick.
Ross:
and
Joey: Hey.
and
something.
as
Listen, I-
I was
I need a
favor
cleansing myself,
. Umm, I was in the
shower
I ah, I-I, well I felt
,
Chandler
Ross:
: Was it like a sneeze
only better?
Joey:
No, no, I mean, I mean
a thing on my body.
Ross:
(
not... It's
Well,
with a disgusted look) What was it?
I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place
that's
maybe you
not visually accessible
off his pants)
guys could-could help me
to me,
out.
and I was
(starts
hoping
to take
Chandler
Chandler
and Joey:
Ross:
and show
Come on you guys, it's
no big deal! (
: No!!
Whoa!!!
He turns
around
Chandler
s hi
Ross:
them, and
they jump bac
Well what
: Whoa-heeeiiiiii-
iiiii-ah!! (sees it) Huh.
m his thing.)
is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to
Joey:
Ross:
No, it's too wrinkly to be
a mole.
k.)
Chandler
Well, eww. What?
Is it a pimple?
don't you just go see a...
: No, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look
Ross, why
Rachel:
(sees what
they'r
(entering, interrupting them) Hey guys!
What's...
Chandler
winter
: Okay,
e
doing and stops, the guys are stunned)
well,
it's definite, two more weeks of
Ross:
.
Joey:
Ahhh.
(Rachel bac
Yeah,
right.
Opening Credits
ks out with a
confused look on her face.)
[Scene: Central
Perk, Chandler
as Phoebe enters with her
date.]
, Joey, and Rachel are there,
Phoebe:
house. This is wher
(to her
date) Okay, and
then this
Vince:
e
I play my music. (points to the stage)
is the
coffee
Phoebe:
Good deal.
Vince,
Vinc
Yeah, and these
Rachel:
e the
people.
are my friends. People. This is
Chandler
Hi!
Vince:
: Hey!
Phoebe:
Hey
Rachel:
burning building
before?
Vince is a f
!
Wow! Have
ireman.
you ever rescued anyone from
Vince: 98 hot saves, highest in the forc
a
e.
35 of 41 Pages
Rachel:
(He
depressed.)
goes
Hi!
over and
sits down at the counter, all
Joey:
Chandler
(going over to him) Well?!
doctor's?
: (joining them) Okay, how'd it
go at the
Ross:
about, it's totally
Well, he said there's def
initely nothing
to worry
Joey:
benign.
Ross:
Well
w
some sort of skin... abnormality. And the
worst thing is
He couldn't
hat is it?!
even tell me! He said it was just
he-he-he
said, he said, w
he was r
ithout being able
to identify it,
Chandler
eluctant to remove
it.
because when I went in there w
: Y'know
what? You should go to my guy,
just lopped it
right off. Y'know
mean not as luc
?
ith
my third nipple. He
nipples.
ky as people
who wer
So I guess I'm luc
e born with two
ky. I
Ross:
yours had a name.
At
least they knew what yours was. Y'know,
Joey:
they'll call it, The Ross. And then
people w
Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after
you! Y'know,
ould be like,
Ross:
[cut to Phoebe and Rachel as
Monic
(sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!
bathroom]
a returns from the
Monica:
All:
Pete's breaking up
with me.
Monica:
What?!
when he gets
bac
I just chec
Rachel:
k from Atlanta,
ked my messages, and he said that
we need
to talk.
Monica:
And?
talk' unless
it's something bad.
Well that's it. People
never say `We need to
Joey:
breaking up
with you.
Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean
that he's
Monica:
Joey:
Really?!
[Scene: A Str
Yeah, maybe he just cheated
on you.
date, Jason.]
eet, Phoebe is
walking with her second
Jason:
gotta
making a difference in a kid's life.
tell
...and
you,
I
it's
know
pretty
I'll never
cool
know
miss
ing
doing
that
it,
you'r
but I
e
Phoebe:
car near
them has caught on f
That is so great! Oh,
I... (sees that a parked
Jason:
ire) Oh my
God!
Phoebe:
W
Jason:
(the
f
hoa!
ire has worsened) Oh my God!!!
Phoebe:
Ahh-ahh, we'd better call the fire
department!
Jason:
(stopping him) No! No!
Phoebe:
No, no?
we'd
approaching
sirens)
like
Well, we don't n-n-n-n-need a
f
a good mechanic. (hears the
ireman, we'd,
sound of
we gotta get out of here!
Oh
my God, here they come! Well,
Jason:
Phoebe:
W-w-w-wait! Why
?!
would date one. Okay
Well look, if
I wanted to see a fireman, I
[Scene:
looked at by Dr
A Doctor's Off
? (she
dr
ice, Ross
ags him away)
is having
his
Ross:
. Rhodes.]
thing
your r
Th-th-that's all it is, a third
nipple. Y'know? Just
it off. Just slice that
baby right off!
un-of-the-mill third nipple.
Y'know? You can take
Dr.
Rhodes:
we'r
pants) What are you doing?
e dealing w
Take your shirt
ith here.
(Ross
off
starts
, and
to
let's
see w
take off
hat
his
Ross:
run-of-the-
Just showing you
Dr. Rhodes:
mill-slice-it-right-off third
nipple.
my
Ross:
Well that's not a
third nipple.
Dr. Rhodes:
No?
Ross:
First of all, it's on your ass.
Dr.
door and
Rhodes:
Well then,
what is it?!
Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes
to
moment?
opens it.) Johnson! Will you
come in her
the
e a
Dr. Johnson:
Dr. Rhodes:
too.
He's good with r
I'm with Hamilton!
ear things, bring him in
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler
there.]
,
Monica, and Joey are
Monica:
plants.
with me, maybe I
(stops)
(starting
Y'know
to get
what,
up) I
if
gotta go water Pete's
he's gonna break up
Chandler
maybe
what I mean.
Joey
: W
and I
ell,
won't
if
should water his
he's
water
hi
gonna
s plants.
break
plants. If
y'know
up with you,
Joey:
them.
Or
ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on
Phoebe:
Y'know? I'm
(entering
w
just, always
ith Rachel) ...and I-I can't
take it!
afraid one of them is gonna
Season 3
catch me with the other
one. It's making me crazy.
Rachel: Well honey,
then why don't you break up
with one of them?
Phoebe: (disgusted) Uh.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-
whoa. What ah, what
happened to playing the
field?
Phoebe: Well, it just, it doesn't feel
like playing
anymore, it feels like work. It's
like I'm working in
the field.
theme
wedding, and the theme could be, “Look how much
money we've got!” Y'know, I mean you could
put, you
could put money in-in the
invitations! You-you could have
like little
money place settings. And ah, you could start with
a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people
will like it.
Monica: Would you stop? We've
only been going out a
couple of weeks, I mean
we don't even know if he's gonna
propose.
Chandler: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's
not like other
Ross: Listen, I got to tell you
I've-I've never been to a
guru before, so...
Guru Saj: Well, relax. If it makes you feel
better, I've
attended some of the finest
medical schools in Central
America. Well then,
let's take a look at this skin
abnormality of
yours. (motions to the table) Come on,
have a
seat. (looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's
a
koondis!
Ross: What's a koondis?
Rachel:
Monica:
So Pheebs,
pic
Phoebe:
Yeah. Which one do you like
mor
k one of them.
e?
like
very
a guy,
W
guy. Y'know
ell,
Vince is great, y'know `cause, he's
? He's so
burly, he's sooo
Joey:
burly. (giggles)
Phoebe:
Okay, good, so there you go. Go
with Vince.
Chandler
Y
Phoebe:
:
eah, but Jason's really
sensitive.
Well sensitive is important, pick
hi
Joey:
Phoebe:
Oh sure, go w
Yeah.
m.
ith the sissy.
Joey:
[Scene:
Dr
Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler
Jason
is not a sissy!
of
. Rhodes's Office, a
rather large
.
group
Ross's
doctors
developments,
thing.
has
Ross
now gathered to take a look at
face.]
he
is
has
none
a
disgusted
too pleased
look
with
on
the
his
Ross:
Dr. Rhodes:
Y'know I have dinner plans!!
such
I've-
a short
Thank you soo
muc
notic
h for coming on
tw
(He
removes the blanket covering the thing.)
enty-
thr
I've-I've
ee years, and I'm stumped.
been
e.
practicing
Ladies and
medicine
gentlemen,
for
All:
Ross isn't pleased)
Whoa. (they
all lean in to get a closer look,
[Scene:
Pete's apartment, Monica is ther
the
plants, and is show
e to water
Monica:
ing the gang around.]
out.
Okay, this is the den. All right, check this
are ver
Lights!
lights! Lights go
away
y bright)
(the
Whoa! A
lights
turn
ll right.
on automatically, but
Less lights!
need to f
! (they dim) Oh,
see you just
Bad
Ross:
ind the right
command.
Joey:
Y
small TV.
Whoa!
es, and the dimmer sw
For a rich guy he's
got, that's a pr
itch.
etty
Monica:
guy
No-no-no, that's a video-
phone. But hey
not
s you're not supposed to
be here, so please, do
Chandler
touch
anything.
is comfortable.
: (sitting down
on the couch) I-kea! This
Rachel:
amazing.
(entering with Phoebe) This place is
Phoebe:
Monica:
Phoebe:
I know.
God, that is the nicest kitchen.
refriger
No! But
it's the nicest kitchen, the
Joey:
Monica:
Look at this! A
ator
told me to have a great day.
Oh my God! It's
Pete. Okay, get out!! How the hell
Joey, put
that
millionaire's checkbook.
down! (the
phone rings)
do you answer
and
automatic
a video-phone! (steps in front of
it,
Pete:
Monica:
Monic
ally answers
it)
Pete:
I guess that's how.
a? (the
gang ducks and hides)
Monica:
Hey Monica,
how's it going.
just here watering the
plants.
Oh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's
good,
Pete:
Rachel.
Well don't forget
that fiches over there by
Rachel:
couch!!
(standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the
Pete:
ever
I see him, y
All:
.
ou guys are just the worst hiders
Joey:
(standing up) Hey Pete.
Monica:
Hi, how ya doing?
you needed
to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good
Ahh,
Pete, the other day when you said
new
Pete:
s or bad new
new
(clicks
his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it
s.
Oh,
Hold
it's
on
good
s.
a sec
new
ond,
s. No,
I
have
it's def
another
initely good
call.
going?
Monica:
Pete:
here.
I'm
(to
Ah,
Oh no-no-no,
it's still me.
no it's not. I've got picture-
in-picture
Monica? You. I'm gonna have to
c
gonna
other
have
caller) Yeah.
to call you
(listens) Yeah,
back
later
okay.
Monica:
all you bac
.
(pause)
k.
Pete:
Oh, oh, okay umm,
so I'll see you soon.
Monica:
Okay, I love
you.
All:
I love you.
Monica:
I
love you, love you.
new
Okay. Well, it's
good news. It's good
Chandler
s.
is?
: So, what do you thing the good news
Joey:
this! He w
(looking at the
checkbook) Wow
Ligrens Ring Design. (
rote a
check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo
! Look at
what do you think the good news is?
Monica
is stunned) Oh, sorry,
[pause]
Monica:
Rachel:
Oh my.
Ross:
Monica's
gonna marry a millionaire!!!
Mom! Call Mom!
Hey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call
(Pete's
Mom.)
computer automatically
calls Mom, Pete's
Pete'
Monica:
s
Mom:
(The gang quic
And that's Pete's
Mom.
Hello.
Commercial Break
kly hides
again.)
[Scene: Monic
from
Pete's.]
Rachel: Mon
a and Rachel's,
the gang is returning
you definitely have to
make it a
people, on your f
guy
irst
date he took you to Rome. For most
Monica:
s that's like a
thir
Ross:
here. Okay
Monica's
Well
if-if that's w
d or fourth date kinda thing.
right. We're
hat it is, then it's-it's
crazy.
talking about
Rachel:
lesbian!
Oh
? She-she
c
please, what
an't just rush into this.
getting married
do you know! You married a
(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey
stops.)
Phoebe:
Chandler
All
right. I gotta go. I have break up
w
Phoebe:
Jason's
:
Yeah,
Oh, so you're going w
I like Vince a lot,
ith the teacher
ith Vince.
y'know? But,
, huh?
it's
sensitive it's just
better
so sensitive, y'know? And in the long
run, I think
just
really
than having
just like a really, really,
about
nice
wish me luck!
the butt.)
(pause)
(pause)
butt. (
Jason!
Her eyes
glaze over thinking
All:
Definitely
Jason! Okay,
(pause)
Good luck!
Rachel:
and
OH MY GOD!!! (She holds
her
hands up in triumph
what it'd be
like to c
the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I
was just imagining
[Scene: A Fir
atch the
money bouquet.
Vince.]
e House, Phoebe has
gone to break up with
Phoebe:
Fireman:
Excuse me. Umm, is
Vinc
Vince:
Oh sure. Vinc
e here?
Phoebe:
Yo!! (slides down that pole that
f
e?!
Vince:
Wow
ire station's have)
Phoebe:
So, w
! I didn't know you guys
actually used those.
don't think we should see
eac
Umm,
hat's up?
wow.
This-
this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I
Vince:
Phoebe:
Uh-huh. G-good deal.
h other anymore.
Vince:
I'm sorry.
something pr
No-no it's okay. It's just
that ah, I thought we had
were
choking
someone
etty special here. And y'know
I-
I could finally open up to,
I felt like
you
and...
with you yet.
up) That
there's so much in me I have to
(starts
share
Phoebe:
Vince:
w
(starting
to cr
Oh my God, I didn't...
y) I'm sorry,
I c
Phoebe:
rite in my journal. (
[Scene:
Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica ar
(running after him) W
walks away)
ait-
an't talk. I'm gonna go
wait-wait! Wait!!
Phoebe:
e there.]
of that thing, you
should go to my herbal guy.
(to Ross) I'm
telling you, if you want to take care
Ross:
want to make it savor
Thank you,
but I want to r
Monica:
y.
emove it
Pheebs. I don't
things on their body, they
tell their friends about it.
Y'know when
girls sleep with guys with weird
Ross:
Rachel:
Gimme this. (Grabs the
herbalist's card and leaves.)
couldn't r
(entering) Hi! Okay, don't be
Monica:
esist.
mad at me, but I
Rachel:
Brides magazines?
but I'm
sorr
Yes, and I know that you'd say no if he
asked you,
aisle in this Donna Carin. (shows
her the pictur
y; how great would you look
walking down the
Phoebe:
that anyway. (They
both look at her
(gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh,
you
e.)
should
get
Monica:
morning, I was lying in bed I was,
I was imagining what it
It is so weird, I
know what I
.) Like for clubbing.
said,
but uh, this
would be like to say yes.
(
in
Rachel slams the magazine shut
rushed, and it's totally not like me to do
something like this,
amazement.) I know it's a
little sudden, and it's a little
but that
doesn't mean I c
about Pete, and I know that we
want the same things, and
an't. Right? I mean
I'm-I'm crazy
when I thought about saying yes,
it made me really happy.
Rachel:
Monica:
Oh my God. (starting to
cry)
some)
Phoebe:
I know.
(pause) I need more pie. (goes and gets
tw
Rachel:
o guests?
Hey Mon umm, if
you do get married, can I bring
Phoebe:
You didn't br
eak up with that fireman?
out
paints.
he's
No, that was my
way of telling you. Well, it turns
incredibly
sensitive, he
of me.
He even showed me
charcoal dr
keeps
aw
a
ings that he
dr
journal and
ew
he
Rachel:
Phoebe:
W
he has easy
acc
Yeah, well
ow!
he'd prefer water
colors, but y'know,
Monica:
ess to a lot of
charcoal.
Phoebe:
So then, are you going
to dump Jason?
someone, and... Okay so Jason
is sensitive, (holds up one
Well, yeah,
because I have to break up with
f
other
inger)
tw
hand) Plus, Vince
but now
so's Vinc
has
e (holds up one finger on her
about the math.
o more fingers on the
Vinc
the
e side) So... It's
body
y'know?
r
(holds up
eally just
[Scene: Jason's
with Jason.]
apartment,
Phoebe has gone to break up
Phoebe:
Jason:
(knocks on the door)
Jason?
(She goes in, and sees Jason
without his shirt. It turns out
Yeah, come on
in.
that he has a great body too, and is at a
loss for words.)
Jason:
phone, is ah,
is anything wrong?
So Phoebe, you ah, sounded
kinda serious on the
Phoebe:
[Scene:
his
Phoebe's Herbal Guy's
Nah-ha!
office, Ross is there
goes over
thing.
Ross
almost spills it as the herbalist,
Gur
to a
is
large
looking
bank
of
around
drawers, pulls
the exam
room,
one out
and
about
and
he
Guru Saj:
Ross:
You must be Ross.
u
Saj, enters.]
Guru
Hi.
replaces)
Saj:
I am Guru Saj. (takes the drawer
back and
36 of 41 Pages
Guru
Saj:
(starts
I don't know, what's a
koondis with you?
looks at hi
laughing as
sav that oughta shrink that right up.
m,
and he stops) Please, lie down! I've got a
if
that joke was funny, Ross only
Ross:
Guru
Saj:
I guess it's worth a tr
Clearly not
the way to go!! (quickly
Oh sure, we should
y.
see results -- Whoa!!
Ross:
wipes it off)
Guru Saj:
What?! What?!
Ross:
We appear to have angered it.
Guru
W
afraid we'r
Saj:
e?! We
anger
(Ross gives hi
e gonna
Oh, I
think
ed it?!
have
I
to
see
use
the
a much
problem.
stronger
And
tool.
I'm
Ross:
m a 'What?' look) Love.
Guru
Oh God!
circles
Saj: (He starts
way
this is going to come off unless you start to...
above the thing.) Ross,
moving
there
his hands
is absolutely
around
no
in
Ross:
Guru Saj:
Ow!!
Ross:
Guru Saj:
What was, w
Oops.
hat was that?
Ross:
Well it's gone.
Guru Saj:
What?! How's that?
Ross:
It got c
[Scene: Pete's apartment, Pete
and Monic
Hey! (congratulates hi
aught on
my watch.
m)
back from a
date.]
Pete:
too bright.) Uh, r
Lights.
(The
a are coming
lights turn on,
once again they'r
Monica:
Pete:
Ooh,
nic
omantic lights. (The lights dim.)
e
e.
you about.
So ah, there was
this thing I wanted to talk to
Monica:
Pete:
Oh, right! I completely
forgot about that.
look at my life...
Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I
Monica:
Pete:
Yeah?
and
and
I feel
And I feel like I've conquer
world.
now I-
like
I have
I've
the
conquered
most beautiful
the
ed the business world,
intellectual w
woman in
orld,
the
Monica:
Pete:
Wow.
Monica:
There's one thing missing.
Pete:
Monica:
It's time for me to c
What's that?
onquer the
physic
Pete:
F
Monic
Okay. (not sure
of herself)
al world.
a, I want to become
(pause) the U
Monica:
ighting Champion.
ltimate
Pete:
Champion!
I
You
wanna w
want to become
hat?!
the
Ultimate
in the world, it's banned in 49
states!
It's the most intense physical
competition
Fighting
Monica:
Pete:
combination
Okay,
What are you talking about?
f
of
my
Gee
trainer
Koon
, Ho
Doe
Chi,
and
is
Brazilian
teaching me a
designed.
ighting, I've
even had my own octagon training
street
ring
Monica:
that.
And I suppose
you used a ring designer for
Pete:
when I
w
Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front
row
What do you think?
in. I want you
close enough to smell the blood.
Monica:
[Scene: Centr
My parents will
be so happy.
there.]
al Perk, Phoebe's
singing, Vince is also
Phoebe:
butt.
(Jason enters) Crazy under
(singing) “Crazy
underwear, creepin' up my
Crazy under-
No!
What is he doing here?
(sees Jason)
-wear
wear, always in a rut.
just keep
playing. Y
All right, just keep playing,
...” (In her head)
Oh
(She
ability
to pronounce words, and the ly
tries to
continue
ou'll get thr
the song,
ough
this;
but she
you'll be fine.
has lost
gibberish.)
And, as always no one
talk to me after the show.
(giving up on the
song) Okay, thank you.
rics come out as
the
(They all applaud her
Jason:
.)
Phoebe:
(going up to her) Hey. I was...
Jason:
play
(kisses her)
ing
Hey!
tonight,
I was passin'
it's
kinda
by and
cool
I
seeing
saw
that
you
you
up there.
were
Vince:
on her
(runni
ng over)
Whoa! Hey-hey! What's going
Phoebe:
e? Who
is this guy?
him! Get him, Vince!
I don't
know, he just started kissing me. Get
Vince:
Jason:
What?!
Phoebe:
What?!
and it's been r
Yeah, okay,
I've-I've been dating both of you,
lot
and
I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorr
of
fun, for me. Umm,
eally horrible. 'Cause
y'know it's been a
but I-I like you both, and
I,
I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm
terrible.
y, I'm just,
Vince:
never
said this was exclusive.
Phoebe, Phoebe
relax, it's okay. I mean we
Jason:
break.
Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a
Phoebe:
Jason:
Really?!
out
together yet. Huh.
that
Yeah. I mean
y'know, we
long. Come on, we haven't
haven't been
even
going
slept
Vince:
Jason:
You haven't?
Phoebe:
You have?
walk away
Well,
this
is none of my business. (starts to
Jason: (to Phoebe)
)
I-I can't
believe this! You-you've
Season 3
slept with him?!
Phoebe: Well, I made you a candle light dinner
in
the park.
Jason: Y'know Phoebe, I'm
gonna make this real
easy for you. (walks out)
Phoebe: (to Vince) Well, that could've been
really
awkward.
Vince: You made him a
candle light dinner in the
park?
Phoebe:
Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm
gonna do that for you.
Vince: Uh yeah, I
can't believe I ever went out
with somebody
who would actually have an open
flame in the
middle of a wooden area. (walks out)
Phoebe:
So Monica, what were you gonna tell us?
Monica: (pause) I have no idea.
Opening
Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from
earlier.]
Rachel: So, come on, what was the
big news Pete wanted
to tell you Mon?! Or
should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
Phoebe: No-
no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his
name.
Monica: He didn't ask me to marry him.
All: Ohh.
Phoebe: Well then definately
don't take his name.
Monica: He wanted to tell
me he's gonna compete is some
ultimate
fighting competition thingy.
The Guys: Pete?!
get!
Monica: (entering) Hi!
Pete:
Monica! (runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.
Hoshi: All right, on the table. (Pete gets on
the table
for his rubdown)
Monica: Hey,
umm, so listen umm, my friends were
telling me
a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing
and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I
don't want
you to get hurt, 'cause I kinda
like you.
Pete: Oh, believe me, I don't want
to get hurt either.
I'm being smart about
this. See these guys? They're
the best
trainers in the world, and Hoshi here used to
be a paid assassin. (Hoshi yells at him in
Chinese) A
house painter! He used to be a
house painter.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Guru
Saj's off
taken the duck to see the guru.]
ice: Joey and Chandler have
Chandler
gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?
: (comforting the duck) Everything's
Guru
Saj:
the duck) -
(entering) Hello, I am
Guru Saj- (sees
a duck right? 'Cause
other
Whoa!! (to Joey) That's supposed to be
my league.
wise, this is waaay out of
Joey:
cough, and our vet, he c
Yeah,
yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad
Is
there something you can do?
an't do anything
about it.
Guru
think you coul
Saj: Hmm,
let me see. Let me see. Do you
(The duck
starts to frantically flap his w
d get him to
eat a bat?
Joey is holding hi
ings, while
End
m, in an attempt to get away.)
324
Champion
The One With The
Ultimate Fighting
[Scene:
Monica is
there.]
Central
Perk, the whole gang
minus
Chandler
Missouri or some plac
:
Do you
think that there's a town in
you'r
e called Sample? And ah, as
and
it says “You'r
e driving into town
there's-there's like a sign,
sample.)
e in
Sample.” (
Monica:
He says it like
urine
All:
Rachel:
Hey!
(entering)
Hey.
Joey:
How'd it go with Pete?!
Monica:
Tell us!
go over
[T
...
You're not gonna believe this. Okay, so I
both
wo guys walk over and interrupt her.
They're
Cr
The
ystal.
names
Yes,
you've already heard. One's Billy
Williams from
other one
that Billy
Crystal from
City Slickers
.
Billy
Crystal:
Mr
is Robin
s.
Doubtfire
Williams.
.]
Yes, that Robin
it's a little crowded. Do you mind if we...
(
I'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry,
to
the couch)
Robin W
motions
Billy:
illiams: Yeah, could you scooch?
(Rachel,
Yeah, move over just a little
bit.
over to let them sit down.)
Chandler,
Phoebe, and
Robin:
Joey all
scooch
[cut
happened at Pete's]
to
Keep on sc
Monica telling
ooching.
the
gang about what
Monica:
umm...
So
guys,
listen, I go over there, and
(Robin
to Billy as the c
interrupts her
again by complaining loudly
Robin:
Billy:
Why? W
amera cuts to
them.)
hy?! What's wrong with me?!
Robin:
What's the matter?
with her
gynaecologist.
I have a feelin'... I, my wife
is sleeping
(The
conversation, and is
shocked.)
gang is now eaves dropping in on the
Billy:
Robin:
How do you know?
Billy:
Well y'know, he's got acc
ess.
Robin:
Yeah.
Billy:
you'r
Like w
Y'know it's
that feeling you get, y
hen you go bowling and
you know
'know?
Robin:
e in somebody
else's shoes?
[cut bac
That's the one.
Phoebe:
k to the gang.]
Ross:
All
right, so, so you went to Pete's...
Monica:
What happened?
[cut to Billy
and Robin]
(Robin is speaking loudly again)
I...
Robin:
know, maybe it's my wound.
Why is this happening
to me?! I don't
[cut to the gang]
Monica:
and
Robin)
Forget it. (they all turn and listen
to Billy
Billy:
Robin:
So it's-it's not
heeled yet?
Could you pass me the cream?
Is ther
No-no, it's ooozing, oozing.
(to Rachel)
there's the cream.
e any
-- Oh,
Billy:
it to come from me, and
nobody else.
Thomas, this is gonna be hard,
but I wanted
Robin:
Billy:
What is it,
Tim?
Joey:
It's me, I've been sleeping
with your wife.
Billy:
conversation! Is
that okay?!
(to Billy
(to Joey) Hey,
I'm
) So you're the gynaecologist?
trying
to have a private
Robin:
have a napkin,
please? Could you please hand me
(starting to
cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I
a napkin? (
for
Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow
(grabs
his
Enough! (to Billy
the
tastes.)
napkin
Would
holder
you--Give
from her
me
.)
this
all right!!
thing
We
more!
are
f
) And you are no longer my friend!
follows hi
You
inished!
are a
(gets
bastard
up
to leave)
Nada!! No
Billy:
m) Get away from me!!
for doing this!! (Billy
[cut to the gang,
they'r
Thomas, come bac
e all stunned]
k
here! (they both leave)
Rachel:
Monica:
Why?! What is
it?Monica:
Phoebe:
I don't know exactly.
It's-it's sorta like w
Pete:
Promise
me you'll be c
Monica:
(intrigued) Oh?!
restling.
Monica:
I promise.
areful.
Phoebe:
Yeah, but without the
costumes. Pete:
Hey, are we still on for
tonight?
Joey:
(disappointed) Oh.
Monica:
Yeah.
Chandler
And it's
not fake, it's totally brutal. could have a little
workout of our
Okay, good, 'cause umm, well
maybe we
“They're
Hoshi:
own...
Monica:
are
: Yeah, it's two guys in a
ring, and the rul
no rules.”
es are:
Monica:
No! No boom-boom before big
f
stuff?
So you can like,
bite,
and pull people's hair and [Scene: Centr
How
ight!
Ross:
Rachel enters.]
al
Per
'bout just a boom?
k, Phoebe is there
with Bonnie, as
f
Yeah, anything goes,
except ah, eye gouging and Rachel:
Monica:
ish hooking. I just bought a soft
pr
(to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I
think
Ross:
What's f
Fame
etzel from
one of the kids from
Ross's mouth and pulls on
his cheek, y'know like when you
Huh, what's
f
ish hooking?
ish hooking... (Joey stic
ks his finger in Phoebe:
. Ready to go to
the movies?
hook
hair by the way
Um-
hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (who has
have
been really hard to describe. What is that taste?
a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that
would Bonnie:
)
Joey:
Rachel:
duck a
bath.
What? My hands are totally clean, I
just gave the (to Bonnie) You'r
This
Hi!
is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie?
[Scene:
Bonnie:
e Bonnie?
with his
boss.]
Chandler's office, he is just finishing
a meeting Rachel:
I can show you an ID if you
want?
Doug:
the last time I-
Oh no,
I'm sorr
you guys on my team, and I come to
play. I hope you do
So thanks for the warm
welcome. It's good to have Bonnie:
I saw you.
y, you look a lot different from
too.
again.
Oh yeah, well I just started
wearing bras
remember
Now,
Rachel:
Chandler
, ther
let's go out
there and get 'em! Huh? And
Phoebe:
Oh,
that must be it.
back
: Yes, but there's
tw
e is no 'I' in team.
o in martini, soo
everBonnie:
(to Bonnie) Well I hope you have
fun tonight.
Doug:
to my off
ybody
(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly
follows, shoc
Thanks! You too.
Chandler
(to Chandler) You! C
ice.
hucabout how good Bonnie looks now.)
Doug:
[cut to outside of Central Perk]
ked
(Chandler
No-no, I
: Oh it's
Bing, sir
heard what you
. I'm
sorr
kles! What's your name?
said,
y ,
I was just ah...
funny. I like funny.
Rachel:
but
Phoebe:
(to Phoebe) Y
Bing!
it's also about
starts to
having
leave) This
fun. Good
team
is
to
about hard work,
Rachel:
shocked.)
(smacks him on the
butt, and
have you aboard
Chandler leaves
Phoebe:
How could you not tell me that she has
hair?
Yeah, she was bald, she's not now.
ou said she was bald.
[Scene: Monic
people.
I don't know, I hardly ever say that
about
Ross:
Rachel:
(listens)
(on
phone)
a and Rachel's, Ross is making reser
That's right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder
vations.]
for six. perfect!
(looks in the window)
Ohh, well, this is just
have the
reser
Thank you. (hangs up) (to the gang)
YPhoebe:
Rachel:
vations.
eah, we
Rachel:
Chandler
Yes!! she was
Yeah,
Well I'm sorr
I said what was
y,
I thought
okay when I
you said it was
okay.
thought
butt)
: All right buddy,
way to go! (smacks him on the girl has hair got
some weird bald chick. I mean, y'know, that
Ross:
Phoebe:
Chandler
(stunned)
Dude, what arwon't like her personality.
Well, maybe
all over
it won't work
head!
out. Maybe Ross
butt and he was
acting like it was no big deal.
: Thank you!
Today,
e you doing?
my boss keep slapping
my Rachel:
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Why, does she
have a bad personality?
Chandler
Y[Scene:
the
:
eesh, what'd you do about it?
Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to
be some water
Chandler's off
Oh no,
Bonnie's the best!
ice, Chandler is bent over
getting
bottom.
guy who has a problem with
his boss slapping his Doug:
Monica:
around
to face him.) Read your
Bing!
as his boss
approaches.]
(Chandler stands bolt
upright and turns
Joey:
I gotta tell
ya, I think it's okay to be that guy. real
homerun. (
Computech proposal, a
how
slides over making him miss.) Ooh.
Bar
He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler
(pats Ross on the butt)
football
Yeah, maybe it's like y'know, that joc
players
pat each other after
k thing. Y'know
touchdowns. time,
(Ross
Wham! (slaps
him on the butt) Good one. That was a
get over
here. Come on. (Chandler
ely got ya that
goes over)
gesture)
throws his hands
out in a “What are you doing?” good one.
(to a c
Rachel:
at it team. (goes into his
off
ouple of Chandler's c
I-
Y'know I
don't, I don't understand guys, I mean
Chandler
ice)
o-workers) Keep
y'know,
grabbin' her boob.
I would never congratulate
Monica on a great stew by
Phil:
Chandler
Stevens:
With him? You're
is favourite, you'r
: (to his co-workers) W
hat is w
e his guy
ith him?
!
y'know, stick your head in between 'em.
: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you
just Chandler
W
Monica:
once.
:
W
e never get smac
ell, that's not true,
ked.
he-he smacked you
Joey:
Okay, can we please go eat? Phil:
Monica:
Yeah. What are we getting? me.
Not on
purpose, he ricocheted of you and got
Ross:
(to Chandler) Anything but stew.
Stevens:
boss a chance to get you. Y'know
All right so, Chandler, from nowkid starting
Dartmouth in the fall.
I'm telling you, I
need some smacks. I got a
back to hi
just
ah, don't turn your
on, don't give your
Doug:
Joey:
m.
went
(coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who
you
c
Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know?
What Dartmouth Bing?
to Dartmouth? Dartmouth
sucks. Did you go to
on your
ould do is you
cChandler
his
Doug:
rub on your
hand
will
butt,
smell.
all right?
ould
rub something that really
(thinking
Then,
when he
aloud) Now w
goes to
hat
smack ya,
smells
could you [Scene:
The U
There you go. (smac
: No sir.
ks
him on the butt)
Chandler
Monica are
ther
ltimate Fighting C
president?
:
butt that would smell bad?
(to Ross and
Monica) What if Joey were
Ross:
(Monic
drink) Hey
(walking
e
watchi
up with this
ng
Pete.]
hampionship, Ross and
Phoebe:
a, Ross, Chandler
, and
Joey exit.) Monica:
!
huge tub-o-popcorn and
Rachel:
Ross:
Phoebe:
Y
Umm, hey
Rach, can I ask you something?
eah. saved
thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay
Yeah, it's the U
God Ross, what is that?
ltimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I
be
okay with you if I set Ross up on a date?
Okay, you can totally say no, but umm, would it
Announcer
Rachel:
Appearing in his U
:
From New York City, New Yor
!!
Phoebe:
Oh, ah with who? He's
ltimate Fighting
Championship debut!
k!
thought Ross
was r
Umm, my friend, Bonnie. She just Ladies
and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Bec
known for
his confrontational business style.
together
[Pete
with it...
, she
asked if I c
eally cute, and now that you two
aren't
always
ould set it up, but if
you're not cool Ross and Monica are the
onl
enters with his entourage all pumped
k-errrr!!
up, and
Rachel:
cheer
y ones who stand up and
Phoebe:
Oh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie
again? Monica:
.]
years ago. She's yeah,
like, aver
You remember her from my birthday
party two Announcer
I love you, Pete!!!
bald...
age height, medium build, Beach,
California! He's a 300 pound str
: And his
opponent, from Hunnington
Rachel:
Abbottttttt!!!!
eet fighter,
Tank
Phoebe:
Oh! (laughs) That's f(The
crowd goes wild, and Ross is the onl
slaps
Rac
Great! Okay, good
ine.
for you!
(as they leave him.)
[Scene: A Gym, Pete
hel on the butt)
she
Monica:
y
one boo-ing
Championship, with his
trainer
is training for
the Ultimate
Fighting pretty huge!
(going up to the ring)
Pete! Pete!! That guy's
Hoshi:
, Hoshi.]
Pete:
something,
You are iron. You are
steel! Let me ask you opponent's strength and
weight against hi
Don't worry, Hoshi taught me
how to
line, I have to wait an hour and a
half?
how come when I call your computer
support Ross:
Pete:
(Pete and Monic
Well, then that guy is in serious, serious
tr
m.
use an
ouble.
Could we
concentr
I told you, we're adding new
operators all the time. to hi
Hoshi: It's just
har
ate on my tr
d when I know I
aining?
have e-mail I can't
Ross:
m.)
a
kiss, and Monica mouths “I love you.”
Referee:
All right! You go get him! Let's
go!
Here we go gentlemen, here we go! (to
Tank
37 of 41 Pages
Season 3
Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out
his
teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete
nods, “Yes.”)
Let's get it on!!
(They both
rush each other. Tank picks Pete up
and
carries him over and slams him into the fence
surrounding the ring.)
Pete: Uh-oh.
(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of
the ring,
and we see both Ross and Monica
wince in pain.)
Chandler: No, no. It-it's not
about the swearing, it's more
about ah, the
way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate,
your enthusiasm on my buttock.
Doug: Oh?
Chandler: Oh, and don't get me wrong, I
appreciate the
sentiment. It's just that I, I
have a rather, sensitive
posterior, and ah,
besides, it's making all the other guys
jealous.
Doug: Well, say no more. Y'know
it takes guts to bring this
Doug: Now get on
out of here, you! (smacks him on
the butt)
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and
Rachel's, the gang is watching
Pete fight on
TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not
watching.]
TV Announcer: Pete Becker is
circling the ring now. It
looks like, he's
just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is
just...
Commercial Break
[Scene:
walking up to a defeated Pete.]
The Arena,
after the fight. Monica is
Monica:
Mon-i-ca! C
Hey! (she sits
dow
you.
an I just tell you
n next to
him)
how proud I
It's me.
am of
Pete:
chant “Y
It would be nice after
hearing 20,000 people
Monica:
ou suc
but
you-
I mean I-I thought you were nuts at
f
k!”
irst,
at this thing with no
r
you did it. And now you can just look back
Pete:
Monica:
What, look bac
egrets.
k?
you?
Well, you're
not gonna
get going are
Pete:
U
Well
Monica:
ltimate Fighting Champion?
let
me ask you a question. Am I
the
Pete:
U
Well
Well, no. But...
I'm not gonna stop until I'm the
Monica:
ltimate Fighting Champion.
passed out!
That
Pete:
guy
stood on your neck until you
create
Let
me
overnight?
Moss 865,
tell you
do
you
a stor
think
y. When I
it
set out to
my
onl
others that I
learned fr
y
Dad's
No. There was Moss
1, that burnt down
just happened
schedule
garage,
appointments
there was
in
Moss
Januar
2
y, and
that would
862
this f
Monica:
ight, never to
let a guy stand on my neck.
om, just like I
learned from
Pete:
You didn't know that
already?
you.
Look, I'm gonna get better.
Okay? I promise
Monica:
Pete:
being
Oh,
Okay, just get a lot better
one other
thing. Hoshi
. (pause) Fast.
thinks that
you
concentr
Monica:
ation.
ringside
may have affected my
[Scene:
Phoebe
ar
Monica
Yeah. That-that was the problem.
and Rachel's balcony, Ross and
Monica:
e grilling some burgers and hot
dogs.]
Ross:
Monica:
Hey
(joining
them) Hey.
they're
Oh,
! How long
until Pete's f
about five
ight?
trains
thieves.
by
inter
going
view
to
ing
Ir
his
an
opponent. Apparently
minutes. Right now
and pulling the arms
off
he
Ross:
Monica:
Hot dog?
really
Four
Thank you. (she grabs four buns, and
heads bac
nervous.
, please.
(Ross
gives
(Ross
her
looks
the
at
four
her)
dogs)
I'm
inside)
k
Phoebe:
Bonnie?
So
Ross, how umm, how did it go with
Ross:
expecting to like her at all, I mean I
actually wasn't
What? Oh! I gotta tell you,
I-I wasn't
expecting to like anyone right now,
but she's r
terrif
eally
Phoebe:
ic.
Ross:
Ohh, that's too bad!
Phoebe:
No, I-I'm saying I liked her
in the sea.
Yeah, y'know what, there are other f
.
ish
Ross:
going out again.
Pheebs, I think
she's great. Okay? We're
Phoebe:
talking
about any thing else?
Okay, I hear you! Are
you capable of
Chandler
turkey burger?
:
(joining
Ross:
them) Hey! Which one's
my
Joey:
Ahh, the one next to my foot.
Sorr
f
(sticking his head out the window)
Hey, the
y.
Ross:
ight's starting!
did your boss tr
Okay, we'll be right in.
(to Chandler) So ah,
Chandler
y to slap you
again today?
But,
I'm
planned, my butt
will be smac
conducting
it's gonna
:
Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion!
be
an
okay,
experiment, and
because
as
if all
of tomorr
goes as
ow
Joey:
over!
(sticking his head out
k fr
the w
ee.
indow) Fight's
(Chandler
tracks at the news.)
, Ross,
and Phoebe all stop dead in their
[Scene:
his boss about the butt smac
Chandler's off
ice, Chandler is
confronting
w
Chandler
riting on a
w
there sports fan!!
: Excuse
hite
board.]
king thing. His boss is
me, Doug?
(no reaction) Hey
Doug:
numbers
for me?
(turning around) Bing! You got those
Chandler
Doug:
: No, I ah, I didn't do
them.
Chandler
Oh, you forgot?
Instead, I
:
and
ah,
No,
hung
no I just ah, didn't do them.
deser
had a couple of
out with a
beers so
couple
I certainl
of
y
friends
don't
Doug:
ve any
pr
dicey
smaller
drive
Well, I got
tanked myself last ni
aise, verbal or
otherwise.
home, T
ght. Pretty
number
one guy
. (laughs) That's
apanzi
okay,
Bridge
you're
never
still
looked
my
Chandler
! (slaps him on
the butt) Bing!
Doug:
Chandler
Hmm.
: Doug!!
that way you express yourself.
: I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the
Doug:
constant swearing? Because I gotta
tell ya, if it is,
Oh, is it the swearing? I
mean is it the
you can just... kiss my ass!
up. Bing!
Y
Chandler
Chandler
Doug:
Rachel:
:
Run! Run you crazy, rich freak!
faking
Chandler
Ha!
:
ou're okay.
Okay.
(he starts to leave)
(goes to smack him on
the butt, but Joey:
winning!
Chec
Oh, I can't watch this. (turns her
k
it out, he's winning! (to Monica) Pete's
eyes
away)
Chandler
in the head)
: Ahhhhh!
(walks out, imitating shooting hi
out)
Ahhhhhhh!
stops,
mself Monica:
[Scene:
Joey:
Really?!
Phoebe ar
The
street outside Central Perk, Rachel and TV
Phoebe:
e talking and walking.] canvas and
is going for his favourite area.
Announcer
No-o-o!!
: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the
a sweaty
Okay. Would you rather live in
the shirt pocket of All:
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)
my God!
Phoebe look, it's Ross and that girl.
giant, or
(seeing Ross and Bonnie
inside
his shower dr
inside Central Perk)
ain?
Oh being so mean to it?
Wait, if that's
(We
Ross:
his favourite area, why
is he
time.)
see Ross and Bonnie laughing
and having a good Richard didn't want to have
kids, and from the looks of
Well, this is
ironic. Of your last two boyfriends,
Phoebe:
it, now Pete can't.
window
No! No! Look at that! (drags her away from the
All:
Rachel:
) It's a line of ants!
TheyEnd
Ohh!! (they all start pointing at the
screen)
Phoebe:
Phoebe! (goes back to the
window
're working as a team!
it
looks like Ross is breaking up with her
(looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh,
)
325
her down easy. L
The
One At The Beach
Rachel:
et's go.
.
Uff, I hope he lets
[Scene: Central
Per
breaking up, look at them. Okay that's, you
know what that
Come on Phoebe, look at that!
They are not Bonnie is telling them of her sex-
capades.]
k, everyone except Phoebe is there.
is? That is a, that is a sec
Chandler
at
that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
ond date, that's what that is! Look
experienc
: (to Bonnie) So ah, your f
irst sexual
Phoebe:
Bonnie:
e was
with a woman?!
sexually aggressive.
Oh
no! That really is nothing, she is very and we got
drunk on that hard cider
All right, I was 15,
it was my best friend, Ruth,
Rachel:
I
don't know, we wer
, and then suddenly,
this is all your
Ohh! Chandler
and this
is all your fault.
fault! Now he loves
her
(walking away from the window) Phoebe,
, he's gonna marry her, amused.) Seriously.
: Tell it again.
e, we were making out.
(pause, we see Rachel is not
Phoebe:
[cut to Rachel and Monica at the
c
Rachel:
You said it was
okayRachel:
ounter.]
Phoebe:
Y
!
talking about anything else but sex?
(to
Monica) I mean is that woman capable of
Rachel:
What?! What-
ou said she was
bald!!
what-Joey:
Okay, we have to do
something! W
Phoebe, we can't, we just
c
what-what-what?!!
about geography.
Yeah, sure. Well y'know, earlier she was talking
Okay? Just go in ther
Monica:
me
one bald girl!!
e and like, shave her head!
You owe
e have to br
an't just let it
happen!
eak them up!
it in.
Joey, she
was listing the countries she's done
Phoebe:
Joey:
get it. Aren't you the one
that decided that you didn't want
Okay, first
of all, breathe. Second of all, I don't
Phoebe:
Well, I think we all learned
something.
to be w
what
Rachel:
ith
Ross? picture) That's my Mom's w
I found!
(entering,
Look at
hurridly
this!
)
(She
Hey,
hands
you
guy
Chandler
s! Look
a
Phoebe:
(quietly) Yes. Chandler
be happy?
Well
isn't he your friend? Don't you want him to Frank
and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.
: (reading the
bac
riting! Look.
k of the picture) Me and
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
YJoey:
Y'know what that means?
Rachel:
So?
es.
Phoebe:
That you're actually 50?
so
soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (sits down on the curb)
I just y
'know, I didn't expect him to be
this happy that's
No-no, that's not, that's
Phoebe:
yearbook,
her pal Phoebe.
According to
not
her
me
Phoebe,
Rachel:
at her
Phoebe:
What?
(sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh
no.
All:
quizzic
they wer
ally) Best
Friends Forever
e like B.F.F. (Ross and Bonnie
high school
.
look
Rachel:
Rachel:
Oh!
(They both jump
up and w
Oh!
Oh, we killed them all.
Phoebe:
That is so cool.
[Scene: A
have
I know! So this woman probably could
like
Monica
locker room, Pete
ipe off
their butts.)
might even know like where my
Dad is. So I looked her
all kinds of stories
about my parents, and she
around, and winces
in pain.]
enters, sees him, and
is in
gasps.
a full
Pete
upper-body
tries to
cast.
turn up,
Pete:
weekend we could go to the beach?
and she lives out by the beach. So maybe this
Ah, I'm not supposed to move my
It's
okay, it's not as bad as it looks, it's a
precAll:
Monica:
spine.
aution.
Bonnie:
Yeah! Yeah, we c
Pete:
Please tell me you're stopping now. Ross:
(to
Ross) Shoot! I c
an!
an't go, I have to
work!
and starts swinging his ar
I'm fine!
I'd fight tonight, if they'd let me. (stands up
Rachel:
That's too bad.
here? This is my
zone of terror
ms) See this circle I'm
marPhoebe:
(sarcastic) Ohh, big, fat
bummerrr
Monica:
.
king off
out to
Montauk.
So great! Okay! Tomorrow we're gonna
drive
.
Pete:
You are insane! You-you
gotta give this up! Joey:
telling you, the day
w
I can't until I'm the ultimate f(Rachel
Hey, Bonnie had sex there!
who will win a
f
ill come when childr
ighter
en w
. I
w
ill argue over
ill do it. I'm
apologises.)
turns and gives him a look, and
Joey quic
I could beat Super
ight, me or
Superman. Now, I'm not saying Opening Credits
kly
Monica:
man, but y'know, kids are
stupid. [Scene: Outside Centr
are
waiting for
f
terrible
Sit down.
All right? Please, just listen to me. Y
at
this! Okay? You are the worst ultimate
ou
Monica:
Phoebe to arrive with the c
al
Perk, Chandler
ab.]
and Monica are
Pete:
ighter ever! Ever!! arm) W
(watching a happy couple walk by, arm
in my
right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's
Apple,
Y'know I have a torn rotator cuff, a
hairline fracture boyfriend again? I gonna die an
old maid.
ould you look at them. Am I ever
gonna find a
in
but that really hurt.
Chandler
Monica:
an old spinster cook.
: You're not gonna die an old maid, maybe
much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So
if you have to
Well then, y'know what? I care
about you to Monica:
do this, then
you'r
Chandler
(sarc
Pete:
e gonna
have to do it wI'll be your
: Hey
astic)
Thanks!
now besides, if worst comes to worst,
me to be someone I'm not. I've got to do
this.
Well if you're asking me to quit, then
you're asking
ithout me.
(
Monica:
Monica:
At that suggestion
Monica starts laughing.)
boyfriend.
walk
out)
Then I've gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and
starts to Chandler
Yeah right.
Pete:
Monica:
: Why is that so funny?
Monica:
Mon-
Monica? Chandler
You made a joke right? So I laughed.
Pete:
Yes? boyfriend material?
: Ha-ha-ha. A little
to hard. What am I not ah,
killers now, and I
don't know if I'll remember this tomorrow.
Could you leave a note? 'Cause I'm on a lot of
pain Monica:
(She leaves.)
(hits him on the
arm)
Well, no. You're Chandler. Y'know,
Chandler!
[Scene: Chandler's off
Chandler
with his boss and the rest of his
team.]
ice, he is just finishing up a meeting
hit me. But theor
: Okay, so we've established
my
Doug:
friends,
etically y'know,
I mean say
name, and
we weren't
chart)
So, in conclusion, the lines all
go up (points to the and I'm
say it's a blind
date. I show up at your door,
(They start to
leave)
, so I'm happy. Great job Hey,
oh-
like (in a fake voice) “Hey, nice to meet,
ya.
Stevens!
Phil! Nice job.
(smac
team! Tomorrow at
ks him on the
butt)
8:30.
Monica:
hey.”
you
maniac! I love ya! (smac
Way to go! (smacks him
fake voic
Well I'd probably be scared of a guy
using a
walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn't
have done it without ya.
ks him on the butt)
(
on the butt) Joel-burg,
Chandler
Joey:
(he shakes his hand)
Monica:
(walking up c
e.
Chandler
Joey:
Oh,
hey! Oh good, you brought food!
arrying a brown
paper bag) Hey!
Stevens:
(Phoebe drives
up.)
No, it's just my luggage.
briefcase y'know, by accident.
:
(coming bac
Thank you, sir
k
.
in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my Chandler
Doug:
Joey:
, Monica, and Joey: Hey!!
bastard! (smac
Of course, you Phoebe:
Woo-hoo! All right! Yeah!
about you? Y
ks
him on the butt) (to Chandler)
did. Forgot
something else
Well, w
too ya
hat
F
Chandler
ou're not feeling left out or
anything are ya? then my client with the fuzzy
bac
irst, I find
Oh, I
this woman who
knew my
am having the best karma
parents,
this week.
and
Doug:
house.
k
gives me his beach
Don't you?
Ever
:
No. No, not at all, that's-that's ridiculous.
ybody else got one, and you want one
Ross:
Chandler:
too.
Ye-ye-yeah,
yes I do!
hit?
Yeah? What about ah, that
bike messenger you
Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't
talking about his karma.
38 of 41 Pages
Season 3
Rachel: (approaching) Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Hey-hey, check out
the hat!
(She is wearing this giant straw hat,
the brim on it
must be at least, least foot
wide.)
Ross: (he gets up and starts to run
away from her) No! (in
his escape attempt he
crushes Chandler's sand castle) No!
Rachel:
Oh, come on!
Chandler: Big bullies!!
(Ross
dives over the couch, Rachel goes the other way,
and
Commercial Break
[Scene: The beach
house, the next morning. Chandler
and Monica
are in the kitchen eating breakfast.]
Chandler: So, you still don't think I'm
boyfriend
material?
Chandler
taken
lands up top of hi
me! I can't have
childr
aboard
: What a minute, I know that
hat! I was
that hat! They did experiments on
Ross:
m.)
Monica:
(They
Ow! Ow!
Oh, no-no-no!
Rachel:
Seriously,
wher
en!!
e did you get the hat? making
Rachel paint her forehead with the nail polish.
They
get into a wrestling match, that ends
with Ross
Ross:
Ross gave it to me. both
end up lying next to each other
Rachel:
Yeah, I think she looks good. other for a moment.)
, stop, and look at each
Chandler
Ohh,
thank you. Phoebe:
Rachel:
: Buy it for ya,
or win it for ya? Chandler
(entering) Oh,
hey
!
friends, I am here to tell you
that hats ar
Well excuse me, my fashion-
impaired Ross:
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Hey
:
Hey
!
!
one giant, super hat.
And
this time, they've ganged up to for
e back.
m Chandler
Oh, so, how ar
[Scene:
At the Beach, it's raining cats and dogs as
Joey:
the gang arrives. Chandler and
Monic
boring?
Hey,
: Bor
e we doing?
you
ed and bored!
know what naked card
game is never
shelter under
All:
Ross:
Rachel's hat.]
a are taking
Monica:
Noo!!
Rachel:
Go, go, go!
Phoebe:
(to Phoebe) So what's Phoebe
like?
under this hat!
Oh yeah, now
everybody wants to be Monica:
I'm kind,
caring, and sweet. What's Monica like?
(They
get inside and notic
see.
Ah no, the other
Phoebe, the one you went to go
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Monica:
Oy
e on
small problem.)
Joey:
handful
What's
!!
with all this sand? (picking a
Rachel:
What?
Ohh, I think she knows
wher
e my Dad is.
sand)
of sand
off of the floor, which is covered in Monica:
Really?!
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Oh well,
wher
damage.
Oh, yeah, Bob said there
might be flood hasn't heard from him on years, but
I found this picture on
She was acting,
e
is he?!
she was pretending like she
Ross:
her
[Scene:
Yeah, either
that, or he has a really big cat. would look like
now?
fridge, and look (shows Monica) ! Isn't
this what he
agent and is tr
Phoebe
Monica:
By the way, it's still r
ying to
sell a house over the phone.
Sr. house, she is
a real estate
them.)
(gasps) Totally
familiar. (Phoebe shows the rest of
Phoebe
Rachel:
house. It has umm, three
beautiful bedrooms and
Sr: Well,
aining
outside.]
yes, it's kind've
an unusual
The Guys:
Oh, yeah.
ah, no baths. But
y'know, the ocean is right there.
Monica:
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Well, why
w
Yeah!
ould she lie to you?
Phoebe
Sr
(at the door) Knock, knock, knocnight, so I
f
I don't know, but we're having dinner
tomorrow
(to Phoebe)
: (on phone) Ah, oh,
hang on a second.
k.
she just wanted
igured, she's gonna tell me then. Y'know maybe
so think about it, and call me bac
Come
in, come in. (on phone) All right, don't
know
to give him time to, buy me presents, I
Phoebe:
k. (hangs up) All:
Phoebe
Sr
(entering) Are you ah, Phoebe Abott?
Chandler
Ohh!!
! So, you're all bored?
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
: Yes!
daughter!
Hi Phoebe Abott, I'm your
: Ahh, yes.
best friends someone, and you, whoever
All
right, I'm gonna close my eyes and point to
Phoebe Sr
something fun for us to do, and
we
I point has to come up with
Phoebe:
Joey:
here. (hands her the
pictur
No,
: You're Er
I-I mean
your-
win's daughter?!
your old Phoebe:
Okay, all right.
have to do it.
Remember?
e) Lily, from high school.
best friend,
Joey:
Okay.
Phoebe
(They
Fan out! Fan out!
remember
Lily. I... Then you must be?
Sr: Oh gosh,
Lily, yes. Of course I eyes, and starts spinning
in a circle.)
do so, and Phoebe gets in the
middle, closes
her
Phoebe:
Phoebe:
Phoebe. Phoebe, yeah.
She named me after you I
(points to herself)
Phoebe. (points to her) do this. (
Okay.
(Starts to spin) Ooh, y'know we coul
guess.
Chandler
She stops at Chandler)
d just
Phoebe
Joey:
: Okay, umm, we
all have to play strip poker
.
Frank.
(points to the picture.)
Sr: Uh-huh. Wow!
Well, look! There's [cut to later]
(jumping
in triumph) OH YES!!!!!
Phoebe:
Monica:
that's Frank! Y
Yes!! Yes! Yes! Yes!!
That's my Dad,
Joey:
Strip Happy Days Game?
Phoebe
this or Strip Bag Of Old Kni
Yeah, well, I
couldn't find any c
ards, so it was either
cookies on the c
Sr:
eah! I'm
sorr
Take it easy--if
y I'm getting all
flingy.
you want, ther(Monic
tting Stuff.
I c
ounter, or, or--sangria! (jumps
up)
e's
Ross:
a rolls, and Ross goes
first.)
Phoebe:
an make sangria! thumbs
up, collect two c
Okay, (reading the card)
Fonzy gives you two
Phoebe Sr
No-no,
sorry. Cookies are good, thanks. Phoebe:
ool
points. Yeah.
Phoebe:
make
umm,
(goes
: Oh.
and gets some cookies) Well,
so, happened yet, but we'r
somebody
Monica,
take
if you
off
get
f
one
ive
item
cool
of
points, you
clothing. It
get to
hasn't
for my Father
anyway Ross:
or
seen hi
, and umm, have you heard from him,
umm, I've been, I've been looking
new pair
of electromagnetic microsc
Okay, come on!
(blow
e all ver
s on the dice) Daddy needs a
y excited.
Phoebe
Forensics
Department! (They all look at him, and he shuts
opes for the Prehistoric
track of
ever
Sr
m?
:
Oh no, I-I'm sorry,
I guess we lost up and rolls the dice.) (he moves
his piec
Phoebe:
a card) T
ever
(disappointed) Oh, okay. W
ybody after high
school.
ell, so tell me three cool points!!
Yeah! Which gives me f
ake Pinky Tuscadero up
to Inspiration
e) Okay. (reading
Phoebe
ything about my parents. Everwho is gonna lose
their clothes. Ummmm, I think I pic
ive, and
let's see
Point, collect
together
Sr:
Ohh, well. Y'know we wer
ything.
e always
strip poker sponsor Mr
k our
of us.
,
in fact the had a nickname for the three The
Girls: Woo-hooooo!!!!
. Joey Tribianni.
Phoebe:
Joey:
Phoebe
Oh, what? What
was it? All:
All right, relax. It's just a
shoe.
(Phoebe
[cut to later in the
game]
Wooooo!!!!
and puts
notic
Sr:
es a
The three losers. Oh, poor Lily.
Rachel:
about what
it in
picture on
the fridge, takes it,
Arnold's,
(reading
a card)
Okay, your
terrible for you,
losing your mother that way.
happened,
her
pocket.) Ohh, y'know I-
that must have been
I heard
just f
collect three cool
points. Which means,
band is playing
I
have
at
Phoebe:
Joey:
ive, and that
means I get Joey's boxers!
[Scene:
(happilywant you.
Fine. Gang up on me! I got
you all right where I
Chandler is building a
sand c
The beach
) Yeah, no, it was great.
house, it's still raining. Phoebe:
Monica's
nails, and they're all drinking margaritas,
astle, Rachel is doing Joey:
Come on, take
'em off!!
obv
my box
Actually, y'know
it's kinda cold, so how about I keep
Joey:
iously bored.] Rachel:
ers on, and
give you all a peek at the good stuff?
good
r
(getting an idea) Hey, y'know what a really
margaritas!
(getting up) All right, I'm gonna
make more
Monica:
ainy day game is? glass.)
(She pours the rest of the pitcher into Ross's
Joey:
Ross:
totally play strip poker
I mean naked game. Strip poker
What?!
, we
should drunk?
All:
. Rachel:
Whoa, hey! What are doing? Trying to get me
Monica:
No, no! Ross:
I'm just making
margaritas.
Joey:
What are you crazy?!
Monica:
Okay.
to play, it's like a law
Come on! When you go away, you-and help Rachel,
and r
I think I'll help her out. (She gets up
to go over
Rachel:
!
you have
What
is going on her
eveals she has no pants.) (to
Rachel)
Monica:
(to Monica) Allll done!
Rachel:
Rachel:
Aww, thank you. Monica:
What?!
e?
room, and stops when she comes
to Ross.)
Okay, who's next?! (She looks around
the Rachel:
You painting his toenails?
Ross:
Monica:
Oh, come on!
No
way
No-o-o! (Rachel gives him a “Please?”
look.)
Rachel:
Chasing him all
around the room?
Rachel:
! Monica:
Monica, please?
me do it onc
Come on,
please?! I'm boredddd! You let Rachel:
(Ross
I mean maybe it's just being here at the beach
together or
(pause)
He's totally flirting
with you too.
He is, isn't he? I don't know,
I don't know,
look, who gives Joey an “Oh my
God.” look back.)
shoots Joey
e before.
a look, who shoots Chandler a I don't know.
But it's like something... (she's interrupted by
,
Ross:
the sound of Bonnie entering)
weekend... (
Yeah well, if ah, if that's
the rule this
Bonnie:
Rachel:
Ross:
Ross:
Y
She gets
up) No!
Bonnie:
Hey
Hey
! (Rachel
is shoc
!
ked) Hi Bonnie!
Rachel:
Get away
es! (she starts creeping up on
hi
!
m)
Ross:
Ross: Stay away
Just onc
e! Bonnie:
Oh.
Hi! My
boss let me off early, so I took the train.
Rachel: Take it like a man, Ross!
!
Joey:
Bonnie:
We'r
What are you guys
doing?!
Cool! I'll catch up! (
e playing
Strip Happy Days Game!
She takes off her
sweater.)
39 of 41 Pages
Monica:
Chandler
Huh?
game last
night.
: I saw you checking me out during the
Monica:
Chandler
You didn't even take
off your pants.
Monica:
Chandler
What?
: Yeah, well, lucky for you.
Rachel:
: I don't know.
the
(entering) Well! Is everybody else having
just
Phoebe:
best time?!
(Joey is
sleeping on the floor and is buried in sand that
Shhh! Shhhh! Joey's asleep.
has
breasts.)
been carved into a mermaid
complete
Phoebe:
with
him to keep
hi
After he passed out, we put the sand around
Rachel:
yet. Did you guys hear them
last night?
Well I assume
m warm.
the
ah, happy couple isn't up
Chandler
doing,
but at one point sea turtles actually came up to
: Oh, yeah, I don't know what they were
the house.
(Ross and Bonnie enter)
Ross:
All:
Good morning.
Bonnie:
Hey.
Rachel:
Hey! How did
everybody sleep?
Monica:
Oh, great.
Ross and Bonnie:
Like a log.
Rachel:
(Joey finally wakes up.)
I'm
going for a walk.
Us too.
Ross:
way.
(to Joey) Good morning. Nice
breasts
by the
(Joey
satisfaction.)
looks down
and his look turns from shock
[Scene:
sw
The
to
porch, Bonnie is
coming back from
Bonnie:
imming,
Rac
Rachel:
Hey, w
hel is reading.]
and reading.
Oh, ah nothin'. I just felt
like hangin' out her
hat happened to you?
e
Bonnie:
this pier
Oh, the
water
Rachel:
and my suit c
was sooo
great! We jumped off
Bonnie:
Ohhhh,
sorr
ame off.
Rachel:
Yeah, Joey and
Chandler sure ar
y I missed that.
e funny.
Bonnie:
Ohh-ha-ha!
hair
head.
.
It was
I think I brought bac
so much
easier when I
k half of the beach in my
used to shave my
Rachel:
when you were
bald.
Y'know, I gotta tell ya, I just loved
your look
Bonnie:
Rachel:
Bonnie:
Ohh!
Really?!
sometime.
Because I
think about shaving it all off again
Rachel:
Bonnie:
Really?!
Rachel:
Bonnie:
I mean you def
Yeah!
initely should do that.
Rachel:
Y'know what, I should do it.
Bonnie:
Yeah!
Rachel:
head!
Awww,
Yeah, thank
you Rachel, you are soo cool.
stop. Come on.
Now go shave that
Bonnie:
(As
herself,
proud of what she's done.)
Bonnie
All
right.
goes to do just that,
[Scene:
Rachel smiles to
the phone, and gently
pushes one of the stools over
The beach house,
at night. Phoebe is hangs up
Joey:
.]
Phoebe:
What's the matter
me!
She
cancelled!
, Pheebs?
My namesake cancelled
on
Joey:
Phoebe:
What?!
suddenl
Yeah, she clamed she had to go out of town
me
where my Father is. She know
y. She's avoiding
me, she doesn't want to tell
me.
s, and
she won't tell
Rachel:
Phoebe:
Aww
Pheebs, that sucks!
me yet. (she starts to
leave)
Yeah, well, don't “Aww Pheebs, that
sucks!”
Chandler
Phoebe:
something
in her house that tells me where my Father
Well,
: Where ya going?
she's out of
town so, there's gotta be
is.
Ross:
entering.
Uh, Pheebs, some
people call that breaking and
Phoebe:
All:
Phoebe:
Oh, no!! No,
no!
Well, are any of those people here?!
I'll-
Okay, look
I-I-I do
something nice, okay?
(She exits
I'll fill
her ice trays.
bald as Mic
just as Bonnie
comes dow
Bonnie:
hael Jordan.)
n the
stairs, as
All:
Hey, everybody!
Ross:
Wow
her hand over
Wh-haa-haa!
!! (they all rec
Look what
oil in
shoc
'cha
k and horror)
did! (Rachel
Bonnie:
her mouth to keep from
laughing.)
has
Ross:
You wanna touch
it?
Bonnie:
Nooo, but it, but it's great.
Ross:
bones in your skull.
Okay. (
Come on, touch it!
He gently touches it.) You
can feel all the
[Scene:
to talk to
Rachel.]
Outside the beach house, Ross is
coming out
Ross:
Rachel:
Hi.
Ross:
ah, guess what, she-she happened to
bring up y
I was having
Hi!
a little
chat with ah, Bonnie, and
who was behind the
um, whole head shaving idea, and
'know,
now, who was
you!
it? Oh, that's
right, that's right, it was
Rachel:
nudge.
That was her
idea, I just gave her a
Ross:
Bonnie:
She said you gave her the razor!
Rachel:
(joining them) Hey guys.
Bonnie:
Hey
ocean?
So,
!
anyone up for a
midnight dip in the
Ross:
Bonnie:
Ahh, no, I'm good.
Ross:
Okay, I'll see
you in a bit.
Rachel:
Okay, have fun!
Wooo!!
Ross:
head! What the hell were you
thinking?!!
You c
Come on see, she
doesn't look that bad.
an see the moonlight
bouncing off her
Rachel:
Ross:
girlfriend!
You
I don't know.
don't know?! Rach, you balded my
Rachel:
me to see you w
All right!
Ross, do you think it's easy for
Ross:
remember?
Y'know, hey
ith
somebody else?
! You're the one who ended it,
Rachel:
because I stopped loving you!
Yeah,
because I was mad at you, not
Ross:
Rachel:
You still love me?
Ross:
Rachel:
You still love me.
Noo.
Ross:
Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love
me!
you, I mean do you wanna, get bac
Noo,
nnnnn. What does this mean? What do
Rachel:
k together?
can't
but
sometimes when I'm w
forgive you
Noo!
Maybe! I, I don't know. Ross, I still
for what
you did, I can't, I just,
Ross:
ith you I
just, I feel so...
Rachel:
What?!
Ross:
Rachel:
What?
I just, I feel,
I-
I just...
(Ross
each
leans
in
I feel...
and kisses her. They
more
other for
Joey and
Chandler
passionate
a moment, and
both
look at
kiss, onl
then embrace in a
Chandler
I'm not gonna playing one-on-one
strip poker with
: (to Joey
coming
outside.)
y to be interrupted
) Noo!! I
don't
care! I'm
by
not,
you for practic
(Rachel
step bac
and
Ross
e!
both stop kissing, and quickly
Joey:
k from each other.)
Rachel:
But I made cards!!
upstairs.
Well! Good
night. (to Ross) I'm going
Joey and
Chandler
(Rachel walks inside, stops, and turns
back to look
: G'night.
at Ross for a
moment then goes upstairs.)
Joey:
practice?
(to Ross) Wanna play
strip poker
for
[Scene: Phoebe Sr
through a window.]
.'s house, Phoebe is
breaking in
(She
through the w
throws
her bag
inside,
window slams shut on
her butt.)
indow. She gets halfway
and
starts
in and the
to climb
Phoebe:
to
Ow! My ass. Okay.
Okay. (She manages
shut.) Oh, shhh!
climb
completely inside and the window slams
(She
starts walking across the dar
hits
ceiling,
to stop it from making a noise she grabs it
her head on a wind chime hanging from
kened room and
the
and
f
“Shhh's” it. She goes into the kitchen
opens
inds Phoebe Sr
Phoebe
the
coat hanger
Sr.
fr
jumps
eezer
.'s appointment book, to r
.
out
Just
from
as
her
she
ead it she
and
bedroom
starts to
w
read,
Phoebe:
, startling Phoebe.)
ith a
to make any noise!
No! No!!
It's me! It's me! I-I didn't want
Phoebe
Sr
Phoebe:
: Then don't br
Phoebe Sr
I'm sorr
eak in!!
Phoebe:
: What are you
doing here?!
y.
Phoebe Sr
I-I, came to
fill your ice cube trays.
Phoebe:
picture
U
: What?!
mm, okay, okay, look. I
took this
that
and you are standing right
ther
this
from
is my
your
Father
fridge.
. Yeah,
Okay,
this
because I know
look
right? So
I
deserve to know where
e next to hi
is Frank
Buffay
I c
m. Now,
you should! O
if
you
So, just tell me the truth!
ther
can
wise, you'r
help me f
e
just mean! (pause)
ind my Father
ame from.
then
All
Phoebe
Chuc
Sr:
All right, the man in the picture is
Phoebe:
k Magioni.
Phoebe Sr
My
Father is Chuck Magioni?
sold hi
I
m a house last year! A
: No, no, that's
just Chuck Magioni, I-I
truth.
don't know
where your Father
nd I'm ver
is, and
y
sorr
that's
y, but
the
Phoebe:
Phoebe
Oh.
person
Wh-
which
should
Sr: But umm, you're right. I
think that a
know where they come from.
Season 3
40 of 41 Pages
Season
3
is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I'm
your mother.
Phoebe: Heh?
Phoebe Sr:
Y'know I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just,
I kinda felt all floopy, and...
(At that
Phoebe's eyes open in shock.)
[Scene: Outside
the beach house, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler
what happened with Rachel.]
Joey: I'm telling
ya, you guys are totally getting back together!
Ross: That's not true! Her, she doesn't even
know what she wants! Rachel's still mad about the
whole thing.
Chandler: Okay, then you gotta
back away, all right? You don't need that kind've
hurt. Take it from a guy who's never had a long
term
relationship......
Ross: I know, but
ahhhhhh!! I really wanna go up there and finish
that kiss!
Bonnie: (coming back from her swim)
Hey!
Chandler: Ahhhh! (Steps away from her.)
Bonnie: You guys, the water's great. You
should really go in.
Chandler: Oh, ahh, no
thanks, I just had an M&M.
Bonnie: Okay, well
g'night.
Ross: Good night.
Bonnie: (kisses
Ross) Don't be too long.
Ross: Okey-dokey!
Chandler: There is not one hair on that head.
Ross: Hey, it'll grow back, right? And she-
she's really fun, and she's cool, and-and I'm
finally moving on. Y'know? I mean getting over
Rachel was
so (makes an incoherent nasal
sound) , y'know? Y'know, and I'm finally feeling
sane again. And now if I go up there, and-and I
kiss her, and,
Gooood I wanna kiss her, and-
and-and it doesn't work out, right? Do I really
wanna put myself through that again?
Joey: So
let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie
tonight, you're doing the smart, healthy thing and
moving on.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Right, and
you go with Rachel, Bonnie's free tonight?
[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross
is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He
looks at the one on the right, then he looks
at the one on his left, thinks about it, and
goes in the one on his right.]
Ross: (entering
the bedroom) Hi. (closes the door)
Closing
Credits
[Scene: The beach house, Chandler is
simulating he's coming to pick up Monica for a
date. Chandler knocks on the door, and Monica
answers it.]
Chandler: (in a fake voice) Hi
there.
Monica: That's that weird voice again.
Chandler: Okay! Okay! Let me try it again,
you're gonna wanna date this next guy, I swear!
(Monica closes the door, Chandler knocks, and
Monica opens it to reveal Chandler on his knees.)
Chandler: Hi! I'm Dorf! You're date for the
evening. (Monica walks away in disgust) Oh come
on! Dorf on dating, that's good stuff!!
End
41 of 41 Pages
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