课文全文翻译参考译文u

2020年12月4日发(作者：卫中正)
U2:Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?男女交谈为何如此困难
I was addressing a small gathering in a suburban Virginia living room -- a women's group that had
invited men to join them. Throughout the evening, one man had been particularly talkative,
frequently offering ideas and anecdotes, while his wife sat silently beside him on the couch. Toward
the end of the evening, I commented that women frequently complain that their husbands don't talk
to them. This man quickly concurred. He gestured toward his wife and said,
into laughter; the man looked puzzled and hurt. he explained.

spend the whole evening in sile nce.那是在弗吉尼亚郊区一个住所的客厅里，我正在一次小型聚
会上发言——这是一次女性的聚会， 但也邀请了男性参加。整晚，一位男士表现得极为健谈，
他不断地发表自己的看法，讲述奇闻轶事。而他 的妻子却安静地坐在他身旁的沙发上。聚会接
近尾声时，我说，一些妻子经常抱怨丈夫不与她们交谈，这 位男士立刻表示同意。他指着妻子
说：“在家里爱说话的是她。”于是满屋子哄堂大笑，这位男士一脸茫 然和委屈。“这是真的，”
他解释说，“我下班回家后总是无话可说，如果她不说话，我们会整晚沉默。 ”
This episode crystallizes the irony that although American men tend to talk more than women in
public situations, they often talk less at home. And this pattern is wreaking havoc with marr iage.这段
小插曲反映了一种具有讽刺意味的现象，即美国的男性尽管在公共场合比女性健谈，在家 里却
比女性说话少。而正是这一现象使婚姻受到严重威胁。
Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman reports in her new book
women she interviewed -- but only a few of the men -- gave lack of communication as the reason for
their divorces. 社会学家凯瑟琳?凯尔?里兹曼在她的新作《离婚谈》中说 ，她采访过的大多数女
性将离婚的原因归咎于缺乏交谈，但只有少数男性将此当作离婚的理由。
In my own research, complaints from women about their husbands most often focused not on
tangible inequities such as having given up the chance for a career to accompany a husband to his, or
doing far more than their share of daily life-support work like cleaning, cooking, social arrangements
and errands. Instead, they focused on communication:
me.
foremost, conversational partners, but few husbands share this expectation of their wives.在我本人
的研究中，女性对丈夫 的抱怨大多不是集中在一些实际的不平等现象，例如为了跟随丈夫的事
业而放弃了发展自己事业的机会， 或者她们所承担的日常生活琐事远远超过她们份内的部分。
她们的抱怨总是集中在交流问题上，如“他不 听我说话”，“他不和我说话”。我发现多数做妻子
的都期望丈夫首先是自己的交谈伙伴。但是很少有丈 夫对妻子抱有同样的期望。
In short, the image that best represents the current crisis is the stereotypical cartoon scene of a
man sitting at the breakfast table with a newspaper held up in front of his face, while a woman glares
at the back of it, wanting to talk.简言之，最能体现目前这种危机的是一个老套的卡通画面：一 个
男人坐在早餐桌旁，手中拿着一张报纸看着，而他的妻子愤怒地盯着报纸背面，渴望与他交谈。
Linguistic Battle Between Men and Women两性间的唇枪舌剑
How can women and men have such different impressions of communication in marriage?Why
is there a widespread imbalance in their interests and expectations? 在婚姻中的交流问题上，为何
男女会持有如此不同的观点？为什么男女的兴趣和期望普遍不一致？
In the April 1990 issue of American Psychologist, Stanford University's Eleanor Maccoby reports
the results of her own and other's research showing that children's development is most influenced
by social stucture of peer interactions. Boys and girls tend to play with children of their own
gender,and their sex-separate groups have different organizational structures and interactive norms. < br>斯坦福大学的埃莉诺?麦科比在1990年4月《美国心理学家》刊物上发表了她自己和他人研究的
结果。研究结果表明，儿童的发展主要受同龄伙伴交往过程中社交结构的影响。无论男孩女孩
都喜欢与 同性伙伴玩耍。不同性别的儿童小群体有不同的组织结构和交际准则。
I believe these systematic differences in childhood socialization make talk between women and
men like cross-culture communication. My research on men's and women's conversations uncovered
patterns similar to those described for children's group.我相信，儿童时代社交过程中的不同规则，
导致了两性间的交谈如 同跨文化交流一样难。我本人通过对男女对话的研究发现，成年男女对
话的模式类似于儿童群体交流过程 中的模式。
For women, as for girls, intimacy is the fabric of relationships, and talk is the thread from which
it is woven. little girls creat and maintain friendship by exchanging secrets;similarly,women regard
conversation as the cornerstoneof friendship. So a woman expects her husband to be a new and
improved version of a best friend. What is important is not the individual subjects that are discussed
but the sense of closeness,of a life shared,that emerges when people tell their thoughts,feelings,and
impressions. 成年女性同女孩一样，彼此亲密是她们感情关系的纽带。而交谈是编织这种 纽带的
线。小女孩通过相互交换秘密来建立和维持友谊。同样，成年女性也把交谈看作友谊的基础。因此，女性期望丈夫成为自己新的、更好的知心朋友。对她们来说重要的不是某个具体的讨论
话题， 而是在说出自己的想法、感受和印象时所表现出来的那种亲密的、分享生活的感觉。
Bonds between boys can be as intense as girls', but they are based less on talking, more on doing
things together. Since they don't assume talk is the cement that binds a relationship, men don't know
what kind of talk women want, and they don't miss it when it isn't there. 男孩间的关系和女孩一样
紧密。但男孩间的关系与其说建立在交谈基础上，不如说建立在共同动手基础上。既然他们不
认为交谈能 够巩固感情关系，他们不知道女人需要何种交谈，也不会因为没有交谈而感到遗憾。
Boys' group are larger, more inclusive, and more hierachical, so boys must struggle to avoid the
subordinate position in the group. This may play a role in women's complaints that men don't listen
to them. 男孩的群体比女孩的要大，所包括的人更广泛, 也更具有等级特色 。因此，男孩们势
必要努力争取不在群体中处于从属地位。这也许是为什么女人抱怨男人不听她们说话的 根源之
一。
Often when women tell men,
The impression of not listening results from misalignments in the mechanics of
misalignment begins as soon as a man and a woman take physical position. When I studied
videotapes made by psychologist Bruce Dorval of children and adults taking to their same-sex best
friends,I found at every age,the girls and women faced each other directly,their eyes anchored on
each other's face. At every age,the boys and men sat at angles to each other and looked elsewhere in
the room,perildically glancing at each other. But the tendency of men to face away can give women
the impression they aren't listening even when they are.A young woman in college was
frustrated:whenever she told her boyfriend she wanted to talk to him,he would lie down on the
floor,close his eyes,and put his arm over his face. This signaled to her,taking a
insisted he was listening extra hard. Normally,He looks around the room,so he is easily distracted.
Lying down and covering his eyes helped him concentrate on what she was saying.当女的对 男的说
“你没有在听”，而男的反对说“我在听”时，常常男的是对的。这种给人没有在听的印象是由于
男女对话方式的不同而引起的。这种不同在男女各自就位时就已表现出来了。我对心理学家布
鲁 斯?多维尔录制的关于儿童与成人分别与他们的同性好友交谈时的录像带进行了研究。研究发
现，无论多 大年龄的女孩和成年女性，都采取面对面的姿势，眼睛看着对方的脸。而各种年龄
的男孩和成年男子就座 时，相互位置都成一定的角度，眼睛看着屋子别的地方，只有时不时瞥
对方一眼。男性这种看着别处的习 惯，可能给女性一种印象，那就是他们没有在听，即使他们
在听也会给人以没有在听的印象。一个年轻的 女大学生感到很失望，因为每当她告诉男朋友她
想跟他谈谈时，他总是躺在地上，闭上眼睛，并用手臂挡 住脸。她对此的理解是，“他想睡一会
儿”。而他则坚持说他在非常认真地倾听。在一般情况下，他会环 顾屋子四周，所以容易分心。
而躺在地上，蒙住眼睛会使他专心致志听女友说话。
Swiching topics is another habit that gives women the impression men aren't listening especially
if they swich to a topic about themselves. The girls in my study tended to talk at length about one
topic,but the boys tended to jump from topic to topic. 转移话题是男人的另一种习惯，这种习惯也给女人一个印象：他们没有在听。特别是当他们把话题转移到自己身上时更是如此。在我的研
究中， 女孩往往就一个话题谈得很详细，而男孩倾向于不断改变话题。
My study of the 10th-grade children found that when a girl told a friend about a problem,the
friend responded by asking probing questions and expressing agreement and the
boys dismissed each other's problems. Tldd assured Richard that his drinking was big
problem
people than me.我对10年级的孩子所进行的研究发现，当女 孩对朋友倾诉烦恼时，对方总是刨
根问底，并且表示同意和理解。男孩却不把对方的问题看得那么严重。 例如，托德安慰理查德
说他饮酒“不是什么大问题”。当托德说他遭受冷落时，理查德回答说：“你怎么 会这么想？你认
识的人比我还多。”
Women perceived such responses as belittling and the boys seemed satisfied
with s women reassure each by implying,shouldn't feel bad because I've had
similar experiences,
bad.女性把这种回答看作是轻视她们的问题和 不支持她们。但男性似乎对这种回答很满意。
女性的回答暗示：“你不应该感到难过，因为我也有过类似 的经历，”从而彼此安慰。而男性通
过暗示“你不应该感到难过，因为你的问题并不那么糟糕”来彼此安 慰。
There are even simpler reasons for women's impression that men don't listen. Linguist Lynette
Hirschman found that women make more listener- noise, such as

listener-noise interpret silent attention as no attention at all.还有更简单的原因来解 释为什么女人
总觉得男人没有在听。语言学家莱内特?赫希曼发现，女性比男性发出更多的倾听者的声音 ，如
“对”，“嗯嗯”，“是”等来表示“我理解”。她发现，男人通常是静静地倾听。而女人期待听到 一连
串倾听者的声音，她们把静静地听理解为根本没有注意听。
Women's conversational habits are as frustrating to men as men's are to women. Men who
expect silent attention interpret a stream of listener-noise as overreaction or impatience. Also,when
women talk to each other in a close, domfortable setting,they often overlap,finish each other's
sentences and anticipate what the other is about to say. This practice,which I call
liste nership男性的对话习
惯使女性感到失望，同样，女性的对话习惯也使男性感到失望。男性期望的 是静静地注意听，
他们将一连串倾听者的声音理解为过头的反应或是不耐烦。此外，当女性在一个亲密、 舒适的
环境里交谈时，常常互相搭话，说完对方未说完的句子，并且能够预料到对方要说什么。我把这种做法叫做“参与式倾听”，男性往往将此理解为干扰、冒犯和缺乏注意力。
A parallel difference caused a man to complain about his wife,
own point of I show her another view,she gets mad at me.
other, they assume a conversationalist's job is to express agreement and many men see
their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument. This is heard as disloyalty by
women, and refusal to offer the requisite is not that women don't want to see other points
of view,but that they prefer them phrased as suggestions and inquiries rather than as direct
challenges. 同样，男女之间的差别也使 丈夫抱怨妻子，“她只想表达她的观点。如果我向她表达
另一种不同的观点，她就对我生气。”多数妇女 在交谈时，认为谈话伙伴要做的事就是表示赞同
和支持。而很多男人则认为，谈话时指出问题的另一面才 是他们的责任。在女性看来，这样做
是一种不真诚的表现，是拒绝给予必要的支持。这不是因为女性不想 听到别的观点，而是因为
女性更喜欢将这些观点以建议或询问的言词表达出来，而不是以直接了当的挑战 形式表达出来。
The Sounds of Silence沉默的声音
These differences begin to clarify why women and men have such different expectations about
communication in marriage. For women, talk creates intimacy. Marriage is an orgy of closeness: you
can tell your feelings and thoughts, and still be loved. Their greatest fear is being pushed away. But
men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status. They are on guard to
protect themselves from being put down and push around. 上述这些区别可以解释为什么在婚姻
内的交流问题上，男女抱有如此不同的 期望。对女性来说，交谈可以使关系亲密。婚姻关系是
一种无比密切的关系：你可以说出你的感受和想法 ，对方会依然爱着你。女性最大的恐惧是被
排斥。但是，男人生活在一种等级分明的世界里，谈话的目的 是保持自己的独立性与地位。他
们必须时刻警惕，保护自己，以免受人压制或受人摆布。
This explains the paradox of the talkative man who said of his silent wife,
In the public setting, he felt challenged to show his intelligence and display his understanding. But at
home, where he has nothing to prove and no one to defend against, he is free to remain silent. For hi
wife, being home means she is free from the worry that something she says might offend someone,
or spark disagreement, or appear to be showing off; at home she is free to talk. 这一点也解 释了那
个健谈的男人说他那沉默的妻子“她才能说呢”这种矛盾局面。在公共场合，他觉得迫不得已要< br>表现自己的聪颖、展示自己的理解力。但在家里，他不需要证明什么，也不需要提防任何人，
所以 他不想说话就不说话。对他的妻子来说，在家意味着不必担心自己说的话会得罪别人，或
者引发矛盾，或 者显得炫耀自己。在家里，她可以想说什么就说什么。
The communication problems that endanger marriage can't be fixed by mechanical
engineering. They require a new conceptual framework about the role of talk in human relationships.
Many of the psychological explanations may not be helpful, because they tend to blame either
women(for not being assertive enough) or men(for not being in touch with their feelings). A
sociolinguistic approach by which male-female conversation is seen as cross-cultural communication
allows us to understand the problem and forge solutions without blaming either party. 交流问题威
胁着婚姻，但不能通过机械的手段来修补。这些问题要求我们用一种新观念来 看待谈话在人际
关系中所起的作用。从心理学的角度所作的许多解释都无济于事，因为这些解释往往责怪 女性
（不够自信），或者责怪男性（不关心她们的感情）。如果从社会语言学的角度，将男女对话
看作跨文化交流，我们便会理解这个问题，找到问题的答案，而又不责怪任何一方。
Once the problem is understood, improvement comes naturally. Women who feel
abandoned and deprived when their husbands won't listen to or report daily news may be happy to
discover their husbands trying to adapt once they understand the place of small talk in women's
relationships. But if their husbands don't adapt, the women may still be comforted that for men, this
is not a failure of intimacy. Accepting the difference, the wives may look to their friends or family for
that kind of talk. And husbands who can't provide it shouldn't feel their wives have made
unreasonable demands. Some couples will still decide to divorce, but an least their decisions will be
based on realistic expectations. 一旦问题得到理解，情况自然有所改善。那些通常因丈夫不 倾听
或不谈论每天发生的事情而感到被遗弃、感到丧失生活乐趣的女性会高兴地发现，她们的丈夫
一旦知道了不起眼的谈话在女性关系中的地位后，正努力地在适应。如果丈夫不适应，妻子仍
然能够得 到安慰，因为她知道，对男人来说，这不是不亲密的表现。当妻子接受了男女存在区
别这一事实后，便会 去找自己的朋友或家人说一说话。那些不能够给予妻子谈话快乐的丈夫，
也不应该觉得妻子提出了无理要 求。仍然会有一些夫妻决定离婚，但起码他们的决定是建立在
比较现实的期望基础上的。