涿-
Harvard Positive Psychology 21
Relationship and Self-esteem
You know this story about Gertrude Stein, and she was taking philosophy
class with William James, right here in the Art.
你们都听过格特鲁德
.
斯泰因的这个故事，她那时上
William James
的
哲学课，就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院。
And they had their final exam. And it was spring semester course. And
she comes into the exam. And it’s a day like today.
要期末考试了，
她上的是 春季班，她来到考场，就跟今天一样是个晴
朗的日子。
And
the
exam
is
about
metaphysics,
and
the
meaning
of
life.
So
she
ope
ns
the
exam
and
writes,
“Today
is
too
beautifu
l
a
day
to
take
an
exam.” And she walks out.
于是她打开 试卷，写道：
“
多么美好的一天，不应该浪费在考试上。
”
然后走出了教室。
And you know, as legend has it of course she gets a straight A in William
James’ class.
而且传说
William James
的课程她全
A
通过。
Don’t use that as an example or an excuse later on in
this semester. But I
really appreciate you being here today.
本学期考试时不要学她或者拿她当借口，
不过我真的很感谢各位今天
出席。
It
is
a
beautiful
day,
I
was
thinking
of
having
the
class
outside,
but
I
think…maybe we should. Yeah.
今天天气非常好，< br>我想过要到户外上课的，
不过
...
也许我们应该去的，
是的。
What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships, we have just
a little to go, and then start with our final topic for the course, which is
self-esteem.
今天我们要讲完爱情，还差一点就讲完了，
然后我们会开始讲本课程
最后一个话题，也就是自尊。
So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships.
先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容。
So we talked about how do we given our natures, how do we attain, how
do
we
sustain
lasting
love,
lasting
passion
when
it
seems
on
the
physiological
level
at
least,
that
our
natures
are
not
attuned
to
that
approach.
先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容。我讲到了人 类要如何
...
考虑
到人的本性，人类要如何获得，维持长久的爱情与激情，
因为从心理
学角度看，这似乎有违人的本性。
And we
talked
about when studying
the
best
relationships,
the
“tip
of
the stem” four characteristics, based on the work of David Schnarch and
John Gottman.
当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时，
最成功的恋情有四个特点，
根
据
David Schnarch
和
John Gottman
的研究发现的。
The first one is: relationship is the hard work. It’s an illusion to think that
the
most
important
thing
is
finding
the
right
relationship.
It
is
more
important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.
第一条是：
经营爱情需要付出努力。
人们往往误以为寻 找最合适的爱
情对象是最重要的，其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情。
And just like we would not thrive, succeed at work,
if we said, ”
Well, I
just found my dream job.” And the put our legs up and relax.
就跟工作一样，
如果我们找到了梦想中的工作，然后翘起腿，什么也< br>不做，是不可能成功的。
Similarly
we
would
not
thrive
in
a
relationship,
if we
have
the
finding
mindset. We just need to find it and we will live happily ever after, as we
talked about movies and where love begins.
同样的，
如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态，
我们的恋情也不会成
功。
以 为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去，
我们说过，
电影结束时，
正是爱情刚开始时。< br>
The second component of a healthy, lasting and passionate relationship
related to the first one is the notion of being known rather than being
validated.
一段健康长久充满激情的爱情中的第二个组成 部分，跟第一个有关
联，我们要被了解，而不是被认可。
Expressing rather than impressing, being open, revealing our weaknesses
as well as our strengths, our desires, our passions, our passions, our fears
and insecurities.
表达自己 ，而不是粉饰自己，坦开心扉，坦诚自己的弱点，优点，渴
望，热情，恐惧与不安。
And relationships that do, or partners that do that within a relationship,
over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy, happiness, and they
thrive,
and
they
remain
maintain
their
passion,
this
is
the
second
component.
这样的爱情 ，恋爱中的双方如果这样做了，
会渐渐变得更加亲密，更
加快乐，感情更好，激情不衰，这是第 二个组成部分。
The third component of a healthy relationship is that there are conflicts
there. It is an illusion to believe that the ideal relationship is one that is
conflict
free
that
doesn’t
exist,
unless
both
partners
are
suppressing
serious issues.
健康爱情的第三个组成 部分是，
冲突是不可避免的，
人们往往误以为
理想的爱情没有冲突，
这是不可 能的，
除非双方都在刻意躲避严重的
问题。
So
there
are
conflicts
in
relationships.
The
challenge
is
to
have
more
positivity
than
negativity
of
course
in
a
relationship,
but
also
to
learn
how to be in the midst of disagreement, how to have conflict.
所以爱情中时有冲突发 生。
当然在一段恋情中，
我们的挑战就是要让
积极大于消极的，而且要学会如何应对分 歧应对冲突。
And finally, the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception,
being a benefit finder, and more than that, being a benefit creator.
最后，
第四点是积极认知，
要 做优点感知者，
不仅如此还要创造优点。
I want to just go back quickly, and elaborate on something that I didn’t
last time about the conflict or conflicts within a relationship.
我们快快回顾一遍，
然后细讲一些上回没说的东西：
关于爱情中的冲
突。
I think the most important essay, article that I read about relationships in
general was the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson, published
in a84a. And what Emerson writes about is his ideal friend. Let me quote
him. < br>我觉得我读过的关于爱情最重要的文章，
是艾默生的
<<
论友谊
>>< br>，
发
表于
1841
年，艾默生在其中写了他理想的朋友，我来读一段。
He says,” in a friend, what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions,
a
person who would
agree
with
everything
that I say, rather what I’m
looking for is a beautiful enemy, a person who will challenge me, who
will push me, who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.”
他说
“
在朋友身上，我寻找的不是盲目的让步，对我千依百顺的人，
我寻找的是一 个美丽的敌人，
能挑战我，
敦促我，
帮助我寻求真相。
”
A beautiful enemy what a beautiful phrase. A conflict free relationship is
where there are no beautiful enemies.
美丽的敌人，多美的描述，没有冲突的爱情，就没有美丽的敌人。
A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us, who cares about us enough
to challenge us, enough to disagree.
美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们，
关心我们，
所以要跟我们针 锋相对的人，
关心我们，所以要跟我们针锋相对的人。
And ask yourself what kind what kind of friend, what kind of romantic
parnter would you like? A yes man or woman? Or a
person who would
be honest, would have high levels of integrity?
问问你自己，
你想找的是什么样的朋友或伴侣，
是百依百顺的好好先
生或太太吗？还是一个诚恳待人，直言 规劝的诤友。
What
is
the
ideal
friend?
What
is
the
ideal
partner?
You
know
it’s
interesting
this
whole
idea
of
beautiful
enemy
goes way
back,
it
goes
back to the most influential text in certainly the Western world, which is
the Bible.
理想的朋友，理想的伴侣，是什么样的？有趣的是，美丽敌人这一概< br>念最早可以追溯到西方世界最有影响力的文本，即圣经。
In Genesis, God sees that man is alone, so he creates a help meet for him,
a woman, a helpmeet.
在创世纪中，上帝看到男人独居，于是为他造一个配偶帮助他，
一个
女人，
helpm eet
。
What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation.
helpmeet
这个词是什么意思？这是钦定版圣经的翻译。
Well,
if
you
look
at
it
in
the
Hebrew,
original,
“helpmeet”
is
“ez
er
kenegdoor”
,
or
help
as
opppsition
.
In
other
words,
the
helpmeet
translation,
the
meet
part,
M-E-E-T,
IS
like
athletic
meet,
like
a
competition
, not helping and they meet together it’s help as opposition.
好，如果你看希伯来原文，
“helpmeet”
的原文是
“ezer kengdoor
对立
的帮助，也就是说
helpmeet
中
m eet
的意思，类似运动会的会，
也就
是竞争，不是指帮助并取得共识，而是对立的帮 助。
And
already
then
that
it
was
notices
the
ideal
relationship
is
not
one
which
is
all
smooth,
conflict
free,
it
is
one
where
there
is
some
resistance.
所以那时人们已经注意到，
理想的爱情 不是一帆风顺没有冲突的，
而
是有阻力的。
And it’s this r
esistance that Gottman talked about in the or he is talking
about in the 2ast century that it is so important, so critical for a healthy
relationship, a beautiful enemy, help as opposition, helpmeet, again with
a lot of positivity in the relationship as well.
这种阻力就是
Gottman
曾经谈到
...
本世纪一直谈到的，
对于健康的爱< br>情关系非常重要且关键的，一个美丽的敌人，对立的帮助。当然还要
有积极的态度。
So we move on, and just finish up on positive perception. I want to show
you an excerpt from one of my favorite movie as I think it’
s one of the
best
movies
certainly
in
the
realm
of
psychology
ever
made,
from
As
Good As it Gets.
我们继续讲积极认知，
我想给大家放一段视频，
是我最爱电影的片段，
我认为这部影片是心理学领域最成功的一部影片
<<
尽 善尽美
>>
。
And here is the part where Holly Hunter tells Jack Nicholson that he’d
better
give
her
a
compliment
and
it’d
better
be
a
good
compliment.
Because
if it is not, she’s getting up and leaving. He just said something
very
offensive
to
her
.
So
here
is
what
he
has
to say
to
the woman
he
loves,
这段视频中海伦
.
亨特告诉杰克
.< br>尼克尔森，他最好称赞一下她而且要
称赞得很好听，否则她就马上离开，他之前刚说了非常冒犯她 的话，
于是他对他爱的女人这么说。
“Ok, now I’ve got a really great compliment for you, and it’s true.”
“
好了，现在，我是有些称赞你的话，而且都是真心话。
”
“I’m so afraid you’re about to say something awful.”
“
我担心你会说出很难听的话。
”
“Don’t
be
pessimistic.
It’s
not
your
style.
Okay,
here
I
go:
Clearly,
a
mistake, I’ve got this, what
-aliment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go
to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of cases, a pill really
helps. I hate pills, very dangerous thing, pills, hate.
I’m using the word
“hate” here, about pills. Hate.”
“
悲观可不是你的风格。好了，我要说了
:
确实，我错了。我得了，怎
么说
.. .
小毛病
?
我的医生，我常去看的心理医生说五到六成的病例服
药就会有效， 我憎恨吃药，药很危险，恨死了，我说药时用的是
‘
恨
死了
’
，恨死 了。
”
“
My compliment is that night when you came over and told me that you
would never…All right, well, you were there, you know what you said.
Well,
my
compliment
to
you
is,
the
next
morning, I started
taking
the
pills.
”
“
我想称赞你的是，那天晚上当你来我家，告诉我 你决不会
...
好吧，
你当时在场，说过什么你知道。我要恭维你的是
...
第二天早晨我开始
服药。
”
“I don’t quite get how that’s a compliment for me.”
“
这算哪门子的称赞。
”
“You make me want
it
be a better man.”
“
你使我想成为更好的男人。
”
“That’s maybe the best compliment of my life.”
“
这是我这辈子听过最好听的称赞。
”
“Because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.”
“
也许过头了，因为我只想着不让你走出去。
”
This is the essence of benefit creating. You make me want to be a better
man, a better woman, a better person. You make me want to be do the
dishes as well.
这就是创造优点的本质，你使我想成为更好的男人 ，更好的女人，一
个更好的人，你使我想自愿洗餐具做家务。
What
do
we
do
then?
How
do
we
get
a
relationship
or
partners
in
relationships to focus on the positive, to focus on the benefit, to focus on
creating more good there? Well we are going back to the very first lesson,
very first class and that is the importance of questions.
那我们该怎么做
?
如何让爱情关系或伴侣关注积极正面的东西，关注
优点，
创造优点？这就得回到第一堂课的内容，
也就是提问的重要性。
Remember, questions begin a quest. When we ask certain question, we
see
certain
things
that
we
didn’t
see
before.
When
we
ask
certain
question, we are also avoiding or not seeing part of reality.
记得，
提问是探求的开始，当我们问问题时会留意到以往忽视的东西，
我们问问题时也会忽视一些现实情况。
Remember the geometric shapes, it’s all you saw, you didn’t see colors,
you didn’t see children on the bus, most of you did
not see the clock.
还记得几何图形吗，你们只看到了图形，没留意颜色，没看到公车上
的 孩子，大多数人没看到钟。
And
very
often
in
relationships,
the
questions
that
we
ask
after
the
honey
moon
is
“What’s
wrong?
What
happened
?
Or
what
can
be
improved?”
在爱情关系中，我们在蜜月期之后常问的问题 是
“
出什么问题了，怎
么会这样，怎么改进？
”
And again, these are important questions with very good intentions. But
we just avoid or don’t see an important part of reality.
重申，这些问题很重要，出发点是好的，但是我们回避或忽视了一些
重要的现实。
So the questions that we need to ask are also the positive questions, the
questions that will allow us to see the children on the bus.
我们需要问的问题应该是积极的，能让我们看到公车上的孩子的问
题。
What
am
I
grateful
for
in
my
partner?
And
it’s
important
to
do
that
always,
espe
cially
during
difficult
times,
because
there’s
always
something to appreciate.
我的伴侣有哪些优点，
让我觉 得感激，经常这么问问自己很重要，尤
其是遇到矛盾时，因为总有些东西值得欣赏。
And if we don’t appreciate that thing, the good depreciates, whether it
applying to our country, to our organization, to our relationship as well
as to ourselves.
如果我们不懂得欣赏，
那优点就会贬值，
这个道理对我们国家组织
爱
情及自己同样适用。
Second
positive
question:
What
is
wonderful
about
our
relationships?
What’s working? Why are we together in the first place? What do I love
about him, her, us? What’s good?
第二个积极正面的问题是：
我们的关系有什么美 妙之处，
我们怎么会
走到一起的？我爱他、她、我们的哪一点？有哪些好的方面？
And when we ask what’s good, that’s when we percei
ve it. And when we
perceive it, when we appreciate it, it appreciates.
我们问：
“
哪些好的方面
”
时，我们就看到了好的方面，当我们看到，
欣赏这些好的 方面时，它就增值了。
It’s not a surprise that the statistics are as they are what we saw last time,
the most relationship flounder, and even those stay toget
her don’t really
thrive. < br>我们并不感到惊讶，
上周看到的统计数据显示，
大多数恋情都是苟延
残喘，即使 勉强在一起，也没有什么感情可言。
No,
it’s
no
coincidence,
it’s
because
of
most
of
the
questions
that
we
asked
again, with
good
intentions.
No
one
has
the
intentions
certainly
not going into a relationship to end it or not to thrive in it.
这不是巧合，这是因为我们问的大多数问题显然意图是好的，当然，
没人谈恋爱是为了分手或原地踏步 。
But most of the questions that we asked, that we are taught to ask are
the ones that focus on the metaphorical geometric shapes. < br>但是我们问的大多数问题，
我们受到的教育让我们问的问题都集中在
几何图形上。
And we need to do is open up a new quest, no opportunity, see things
that are there along that we simply have overlooked.
我们 要做的是，
换一个角度来探索这个问题，
看到那些一直都在但却
被我们忽略了的东西。
Again,
the
quote
from Robert
,
Zen
and
the
Art
of
Motorcycle
Maintenance: so often we look for the truth, and the truth comes and
knocks
on
our
door
,
and
we
say
to
it,
“Go
away!
I’m
looking
for
the
truth.”
引用
Robert d
在
<<
万 里任禅游
>>
的句话：我们常常追寻真相，
当真相叩响我们的大门时，我们却说
“
走开，我寻求的是真相
”
。
Very often it’s right in front of us, all we need to do is look. And one wa
y
to look, one way to guide our attention toward what is right in front of us
is by asking also the positive questions.
事实上，
真相往往就在我们眼前，我们要做的就是仔细看，而引导我< br>们注意到眼前东西的一个方法，就是提出积极正面的问题。
Ok, so what do we have? What do we have so far? In terms of creating a
more positive relationship, in terms of being a benefit creator, we want
to focus on the potential. And there’s one more thing, one more thing
that we can do, and that is communicating about positive events.
好了，
目前我们讲了哪些。
创造积极的爱情关系，
做一个优点创造者，
我们要关注潜能，< br>还有一件事我们能做到，
也就是多沟通积极正面事
件。
This is taken from the work of Shelly Gable from UCLA, who’s done to my
mind the most important work in the area of positive psychology as it
relates to relationships.
这是加利福尼亚大学的
Shelly
Gable
的研究，在我看来，她做了 积极
心理学领域里与爱情关系课题有关的最重要的研究。
You
see
there
is
a
lot
of
research
that
has
been
done
on
negative
communication, meaning what we saw last time how do you disagree, so
rather
have
a
cognitive
disagreement,
rather
than
an
affective
or
emotional disagreement, focus on the substance, focus on the behavior,
rather than on the person, on the emotions. 有很多研究是关于消极沟通的，
什么意思呢？我们上节课讲过如何处
理分歧，
不要 把分歧上上升到认知层面，
不要把分歧恶化为情感上的
分裂，要针对实在的行为，而不是针对人 和感情。
So we know that there’s a lot of research on organizational behavior and
couples
counseling
research
and
so
on.
There
has
been
almost
no
research done on positive communication between couples, which is in
line with most of the research done in psychology,
我们知道，
有很多关于组织行为学及婚恋咨询的研究，
但对 情侣间积
极沟通的研究几乎为零，
这和心理学领域的大多数研究一样。
Again, remember the ratio 21:1, now it’s a little bit less, about around 20
to
a
ratio,
positive
to
negative
research,
same
when
it
comes
to
relationship. No exception, unfortunately.
还记得
21
：
1
的比率吗，现在有 所提高了，大约
20
：
1
积极研究与消
极研究的比例，爱情领域也一 样，很不幸，没有例外。
Here
comes Shelly
Gable
and says, “We
also need
to focus
on
what
is
working.”
And
she
started
to
study
positive
communication
about
positive
events
quite.
And
lo
and
behold,
what
she
found
was
quite
remarkable.
Shelly
Gable
认为
“
我们还需要关注有用的东西
”
于是她开始研究积极
沟通，积极 事件。注意，她的发现非常了不起。
In
fact,
what
she found was
that
the
way couples
communicate
about
positive events is better predictor of long
term success in relationships
than how they communicate about negative events.
她发现一对伴 侣如何沟通积极事件比起如何沟通消极事件，
更能预测
到这段感情能否天长地久。
When
things
go well
better
predictor
of
long
term,
thriving
passionate
relationship than when things do not go well.
事情顺利时，比事情不顺时，更可能预测婚恋关系能否长久而甜蜜。
So when I come home and tell my partner, “Oh, I just did this and it was
amazing” Or “I’ve just seen this and it was breath
-taking
.” Or this is what
is going on at work. This is what’s going on in my personal life, and it’s a
good thing.
所以我回家告诉我太太
“
哦，我今天做了这事，太 棒了
”
或者
“
我看了
这部电影，太激动人心了
”
或 者其他工作上的事，都是我生活中发生
的点点滴滴，这是好事。
How
my
partner
responds
predicts
a
long
term
success
of
the
relationship.
Specifically
what
Gable
is
talking
about
is
active
constructive responding.
而我太太如何回应，能预测到这段感情能否天长地久。
Gable
的意思
是指，主动 的有建设性的回应。
What is active constructive responding? What she does is divide it into a
2 by 2, I’m going to present the 2 by 2 now.
什么是主动的有建设性的回应？她分类得出了二行二列的表格，
我现
在就给大家介绍下。
This is taken directly from the work of three of my colleagues, Jane Elsner,
Barbara Helman and Amanda Horn from Australia.
这是直接抄自我三位同僚的著作中，来自澳大利亚的
Jane
Elsner
Barbara Heilman
和
Amanda Horn
。
And
here
is
what
they
did:
put
Shelly
Gable’s
work
into
an
understandable clear 2 by 2. So we have on one dimension constructive
versus destructive communication; on the other dimension, active versus
passive
communication.
Let’s
go
through
the
four
boxes
using
an
example.
她们是这样进行的，把
Shelly
Gable
的理论总结成了一张浅显易 懂的
2x2
表。表的横行是有建设性的沟通与破坏性的沟通，纵列是主动沟
通与被动沟 通。我们通过一个例子来说明四个格子。
My partner comes home from work and sh
e says, “I just got a promotion,
the promotion that I’ve been waiting for so long, I was just told that I got
it.”
我太太下班回家，说
“
我升职了，这个职位我等了好久， 终于如愿以
偿了
”
。
How
do
I
respond
？
Well,
if
I’m
passive
and
destructive,
I
show
no
interest, diverted attention, I say “Mm,
hmm”
, and just move on or talk
about, “But did you see we got a new flower in the garden?” Just talk
about something unrelated to it, diverted attention.. This is passive and
destructive.
我如何回应？如果是 被动的破坏性的，
我会表现出兴趣缺乏，
注意力
分散，我会说
“
嗯嗯
”
然后讲其他的
“
你看到花园里种了新花了吗
”
说些
完全无关的话题，分散注意。这就是被动的破坏性的回应。
Now, destructive and active. Just got promotion, she comes home, and
my response is “Oh no, this means we’ll h
ave even less time to spend
toge
ther!
What
does
this
mean
about
our
children
now?”
Or
“what
about
our
holiday
that
we
would
go
on,
we
were
gonna
go
on
next
month? It’s not possible now, is it?”
Destructive and active.
接下来是主动的破坏性的回应 。升职后，她回家，我回应
“
哦，不，
这样的话我们在一起的时间就更少了，
孩子们怎么办？
“
或者
“
度假的
事怎么办？说好下个月去的，是不是 去不了了？
”
主动的破坏性的回
应。
Then
there
is
passive
and
constructive.
This
is
the
most
common
re
sponse, “Oh,
that’s great. Wonderful. Mm, .”
然后是被动的建设性的回应，也是最常 见的回应
“
哦，太好的，太棒
了，嗯。
”
And
then
there
is
the
forth
box,
the
active
and
constructive, which
is
“You just prom… That is amazing! Tell me, tell me all about it! So what
happened? Did the boss call you into his office and tell you? How did it
happen?” Or “We have to celebrate!” Or “Let’s call our friends and go
out!
This
is
amazing!
Well
done!
You’ve
worked so
hard
for
it!
I’m so
happy for you!” Active constructive.
然后是第四个框，主动且 有建设性的。也就是
“
你升职了，太好了，
告诉我，
跟我说说，
过程 是怎么样的？是不是老板叫你去他办公室告
诉你的？到底是怎么样的？
”
或者
“
我们得好好庆祝庆祝
”
又或者
“
打
电话叫朋友们出去庆祝 ，太棒了，干得好，你这么努力，
我真为你感
到高兴
”
主动且有建设性。
As
it
turns
out,
there
are
consequences,
implications
to
each
one
of
these
responses.
Unfortunately,
this
the
active
constructive
not
very
common, not very common among partners, especially after the honey
moon phase.
结果显示，不同的回应会带来不同的影响或后果。很可惜，主动且有
建设性的回应并不常见在情侣之间并不常见，尤其是过了蜜月期后。
So when initially the physiological, the novelty, the excitement is there, it
happens more often.
But after
a
while,
this goes
away,
and with
it,
as
Shelly Gable has shown, the success of the relationship in a long term.
所以一开始，生理上的新鲜感 ，刺激感强烈，
此类回应很常见，
但一
段时间后，就消失了。
Shelly
Gable
发现，这种回应一消失，这段关
系就很难长久下去。
Now the thing about active constructive responding is that it applies to
numerous
areas
in
our
lives,
not
just
to
romantic
relationships,
how I
communicate with my roommates, how I communicate with my family,
parents, children.
主动且有建设性的回应，
适用于我们生活的方方面面，
不仅是爱情关
系，如何 与室友沟通，如何与家人、父母孩子沟通。
As a therapist, how I communicate with my clients, because again, most
of what psychology has been about is for the therapists to sit there and
to
be
passive
constructive
to
smile,
“Mm
hmm.
Wonderful.
And
then
what
happened?”
As
oppose
to
active
constructive
and
there
are
consequences.
作为心理医生，
如何与病人沟通，< br>因为心理学的初衷就是为了医生坐
在这儿被动但有建设性地回应微笑说
“
嗯，不 错，
然后呢
”
而不是主动
且有建设性的回应，这会引起不良后果。
It doesn
’t mean it’s the right approach in every relationship every time,
because
there
are
a
few
constraints
here.
For
example
it
has
to
be
win-win events. < br>这并不是说，
这在任何时候都是最正确的方法，
因为这种方法是有些
使用限制的 。比如，必须是双赢事件。
Let’
s say my
partner comes from work and says, “Tal, you won’t believe it,
I
just
made
the
most
amazing
love
with
my
colleague.
He
was
unbelievable! In fact, I never felt this way before.”
比如说我太太下班回家说
“Tal
你不会相信的，我刚 和同事疯狂做爱
了，他太不可思议了，我从未有过这种感觉。
”
Now
active
constructive: Do
tell
more
and what
happened
then?
Very
difficult
to
be
actively
constructive
in
the
situation
for
most
people.
Present company included. Very difficult. So it’s about win
-win.
主动且有建设性的回应：我要知道细节，然后呢。对大多数人来说，
这种情况下很难做到主动且有建设性，包括在座各位，很难，所以这
个回应是为了双赢。
That’s not a win
-win as far as I can see. It has to be a win-win. In other
words, something that both of us or the relationship will benefit from, or
at the very least, that the other person is not hurt by it.
至少在我看来，刚才这个例子不 是双赢，必须是双赢。换句话说，就
是要我们双方，
恋爱双方都能获益的，
或至少另一 方不会因此受伤害。
It has to be genuine. I cannot be fake, because that can’
t, especially once
the partner knows you over time it just doesn’t work.
必须是真诚的，不能是假的，因为那样
...
尤其是一旦伴侣发现，慢慢
地就会出现问题。
It has to be genuine, meaning we have to get into the role of our partner,
identify
with,
empathize
with,
be
one
with
so
that
we
can
genuinely
respond to it. And if we do genuinely respond to it, and if it is a win-win
event, that’s when it generates upward sp
iral on a few levels.
所以必须是真诚的。我们必须进入伴侣的角色中，
产生认同共鸣，设
身处地，
这样才能产生真诚的回应，
如果我们能做出真诚的回应，如
果这是一个双赢事 件，就会带来几个良性循环。
First
of
all:
remember,
usually
when
a
positive
event
happens,
what
happens? There is a spike up and the affective forecasting Gilbert’s work
shows goes back down again.
首先，记得吗，通常当积极事件发生时，会怎么样？会有一个峰值，
然后情感预测，根据
Gilbert
的研究，会逐渐回落。
What effective constructive responding does which is “Ok, tell me more.
So how was it? Let’s celebrate! Give me more details. I wanna know! I’m
interested!”
有效的建设性回应，
比如
“
好，再说说当时是怎么样的？我们庆祝吧，
告诉我细节，我想知道，我很有兴趣”
。
What it does to the spike is prolong it. It actually keeps it going for much
longer than it would have been just a positive event and then back to the
base level.
这样的 回应会延长峰值，
会使它持续更长的一段时间，
而不是仅仅一
个积极事件那样很快回落 到基本水平。
Because we know no matter what promotion we get at work, initially it
feels great, no matter what raise initially it feels wonderful, and then it
goes
back
down
again
to
base
level.
Active
constructive
responding
actually elongates that raising that improvement in well being.
因为无论我们获得什么升职，一开始感觉很好，无论什么情绪上涨，
一开始感觉 很棒，
然后又会回到基本水平，
而主动且有建设性的回应
会延长幸福感的提升与增强。
So that is one spiral that it creates feeling better.
所以这是其中一个良性循环，更好的感觉。
The
second
spiral
is
an
inter- personal
spiral,
meaning
a
person
who
actively constructively responds genuinely enters the same upward spiral,
meaning people who do that genuinely become happier as a result of,
because they experiencee the event.
另一种良性循环，
是人际关系的，
也就是说作出真诚主动有建设性回
应的人会获得相同的良性循环。
也就是说，
真诚回应 的人会变得更快
乐，因为他们也经历了这一事件。
And
they
themselves
benefit
and
become
happier,
again
a
win- win
potentially. And finally, it also does what positive psychology as a whole
does which is build positive capacity.
他们自己也从中获益，
变得更快 乐所以又是一种双赢。最后一点，它
和积极心理学的整体作用一样累积积极正面情绪。
Remember
positive
psychology
takes
us
not
just
from
the
zero
to
the
positive,
it
also
helps
us
better
deal
with
the
negative
to
the
zero.
Partners who actively constructive respond to one another are building
capacity for hard times.
记得吗，
积极心理学，不仅让我们从
0
变 得积极，
还帮助我们更好地
把消极变为
0
，作出主动且有建设性回应的伴侣， 是在为艰难时刻累
积积极正面情绪。
In fact one of the most interesting research that were done long time ago
was
that
couples
when
things
went
well
or
they
were-
wasn’t
that
language
wasn’t
used
but
essentially
when
they
actively
constructively
responded to one another and supported one another back in the 1920s,
once the Great Depression hit, the relationship actually became better,
whereas partners who didn’t have a good before, the relationship very
often dissolved, become worse.
事实上，很久以前，有一项有趣的实验，当生活 顺利时，夫妻双方
...
虽然当时的研究没有用这样的术语，但意思上是相同的，
19 20
年代，
夫妻双方能主动且有建设性的回应对方，支持对方，大萧条发生时，
他们的 婚姻反而变得更坚固了，
而没有做到这点的伴侣，
他们的婚姻
往往会瓦解，变糟。
In other words, when they built the capacity, it help them also deal with
the hard times, such as 1929 and the 1930s.
换句话说，他们累积正面情绪应对困难时期，比如
20
年代
30
年代。
There are no short cuts when it comes to good relationships, to healthy
relationships. It
is
hard work,
if
you want
to
succeed,
just
like
it
is
in
every other domain in life. There are no short cuts.
幸福的爱情
健 康的爱情没有捷径，如果你想要成功，就需要努力，
跟生活的其他领域一样没有捷径可走。
However, that doesn’t mean that hard work cannot be enjoyable, cannot
be pleasurable as well as meaningful.
但是，这不是说，努力就是痛苦的，它可以意义非凡且充满乐趣。
And when that hard work is pleasurable and meaningful, over time that
leads
to
happier
relationship,
happier
individuals
to
a
win-win
togetherness.
当你的 努力是充满乐趣，意义非凡时，渐渐地，就会使爱情更幸福，
使你们更快乐，建立双赢的伴侣关系。
I want to end but just addressing a point that many of have raised with
me and that is should we even talk about relationships in the context of
pursuit of happiness
？
< br>结束这部分前，
我还想说一点，你们很多人都问过我，当我们讲追求
幸福时，我们应该讲 恋情吗？
And
the
answer
for
most
people
is
yes
with
some
discomfort.
Yes,
because
it
is
the
NO.1
generator
of
the
ultimate
currency,
some
discomfort, because pursuing happiness is by its nature selfish.
大多数人的回答是，应该，但有所保留，说
“是
”
的原因是，爱情是幸
福的最重要来源，有所保留的原因是，追求幸福的本质是 自私的。
I mean actually when I am thinking about my happiness, I’m thinking by
definition about the self.
我的意思是，我思考我的幸福时，毫无疑问，我想的是自己。
And shouldn’t relationship be about the opposite of selfishness, in o
ther
words , about altruism.
难道恋情不是与自私对立的吗，换句话说，恋情是利他主义的。
So let me
just say a few words about this. Let’s take an example from
teaching.
Imagine this; imagine that I actually don’t like teaching. I don’t
like teach. I don’t like coming here on Tuesdays a
nd Thursdays. And in
fact it’s very painful for me.
关于这点我有几句话要说。就拿教书作为例子。想象一下，假如我不
喜欢教书，我不喜欢教书，不喜欢每 周二周四来这里，对我来说非常
痛苦。
However, I have a deep sense of duty because of my upbringing, because
of
the
philosophies
that
I
read.
I
have
a
deep
sense
of
duty
to
other
people.
And I know
that positive psychology
is
or
has some
important
messages to give people.
但是， 出于我受到的教育，我学的哲理，我有很强的责任感，我对别
人有很强的责任感，我知道积极心理学教给 别人一些很重要的知识。
And therefore I teach it, not because I like it, but because I think it can
potentially help other people. And I wake up in Tuesdays and Thursdays
mornings, and I dread going to class.
于是我来上课，
不是因为我喜欢教书，
而是因为我认为它能帮助到别
人，我每周二周四早上醒来，痛苦地来到教室。
The hour and a half seems like eternity to me. The last thing in the world
that I want to do is teach, but I’m drive
n by my sense of duty, because
I’m an altruist, I’m sacrificing myself for what I think is a
greater good.
一个半小时的课让我度日如年，
我最不想做的事就是教书，
但是我的
责任感驱使我这 样，
因为我是利他主义者，
我为伟大的事业牺牲自己。
Now think of the alternative. Imagine this teacher and then imagine the
alternative. And the alternative is me. I love teaching. There is on where
else I would rather be right now than here.
再想想另一种情况，想象与刚才那位老师相反的情况，就是我，
我爱
教书 ，我最喜欢的地方就是教室的讲台。
I love positive psychology. I can’t wait to get onto my computer and write
the lectures; I can’t wait
to prepare the powerpoints and work hard on
image
to
do so; I
can’t
hardly wait
to
interact
with
you. I
love
being here every Tuesday and Thursday.
我爱积极心理学，我等不及要打开电脑备课，等不及准备幻灯片，搜索
图片，我等不及要和你们互动，我喜欢每周二周四站在这
里。
It is my passion, it is my calling. It is both pleasurable and meaningful to
me to spend time with you.
是我热爱的，
我的使命和你们在一起上课，对我来说意义非凡又充满
乐趣。
And now I ask you which teacher would you rather have? The teacher
who is here out of a sense of duty for altruistic reasons? Or is the person
who is here for selfish reasons, because he would rather be here more
than any other place?
那么你们想要哪 一位老师是出于责任和利他主义动机才来上课的老
师，还是那个为了满足自己，喜欢上课这个爱好而来上 课的老师？
I
also
ask
you which
teacher do you
think
would
be
a
better
teacher?
And now I ask you, which partner would you rather have, a partner who
is
with
you just
because
they
feel
like
“Well
,that
person really
needs
me,” or “I feel sorry for the person,” “I don’t really like that person, but
I’m there just to be there for them, because, out of a sense of duty’?
另一个问题，你觉得哪个老师会是更好的老师。引申开去，你们会想
要 怎样的伴侣，
一个跟你在一起是因为他们觉得
“
这人很需要我
”
或者
“
这家伙真可怜
”“
我不是真的喜欢他，我只是出于责任感，支持他
”
的
人？
Or would you rather have a person who is with you because you are the
most important person in their lives, because they care about so much
that I becomes the We? They care about you as much as they care about
themselves.
They
include
you
in
their
circle
of
the
self.
Which
relationship do you think will thrive more?
引申开去，
你们会想要怎样的伴侣，
一个跟你 在一起是因为他们觉得
“
这人很需要我
”“
这家伙真可怜
”“
我不是真的喜欢他，
我只是出于责任
感，支持他
”
的人？还是跟你在一起是 因为，你是他们生命中最重要
的人，因为他们如此关心你，从
“
我
”
变成了
“
我们
”
？他们像关心自己
一样，
关心你，
把你纳入了自己的一部分，
你们认为哪种爱情会成功？
Now that does not mean that there is no sacrificing in relationships that
does not mean that if my partner is unwell, or needs my help, I would
not go out of my way, even if it means giving up something that I really
want to do at that point.
这不是说，爱情中不会有牺牲，也不是说，
如果我的伴侣身体不适或
者 需要我帮助，
我不会全力以赴，
即使那意味着需要放弃我当时的梦
想。
Of course, in healthy relationships, when the Is become a We, sacrifices
exist,
and
there
is
healthy
sacrifice.
But
it’s
not
a
relationship
that
is
based fundamentally on the sense of duty or altruistic negation of the
self.
当然了，
在健康的恋情中，当我变成了我们，就会有牺牲但这是健康的牺牲，
这样的恋情，
它的基础不是责任感，不是否定自我的利他主
义。
As
Nathaninel
Branden says,
the
more
independent
we
are,
the
more
inter-
dependent we can become. That’s when the I becom
es a We. Again
this
is
something
which
goes
against
much
of
our
teachings,
it’s
not
always easy to accept.
Nathaniel Branden
说过，
我们越独立就越互相依赖。
当我 变成我们时，
就会这样，这与我们所讲过的内容相反，不是很容易接受。
But
again,
this
class
much
more
than
it
about
positive
psychology,
is
about
reality
psychology.
And
ask
yourself
what
partner
would
you
rather be, what partner would you rather have, what teacher would you
rather have completely analogous.
但是这门课不仅是关于积极心理学还有现实心理学，
问问你自己，想
成为哪种伴侣，想拥有哪种伴侣，想要哪种老师，举一反三。
Ok. Let’s move on now to the very last
topic of the class. As I’ve
said
many times, I never procrastinate, I just use Google imagine.
好了，我们来讲本课程最后一个话题。我说过很多次，我从不拖延直
接用了
图片。
I started to think explicitly about the topic about self-esteem when I was
a senior, as an undergraduate here.
当我还在哈佛这里读本科大四时，
就开始非常认真地思考自尊这个话
题。
I started to think about it when I noticed another phenomenon, so that
was after I switched into philosophy and psychology, I was very happy on
my concentration. I was very happy playing in the squash team. Harvard
was going great for me.
当时我注意到一个现象，
那是我转专业到哲学和心 理学后，
我对自己
的学业很满意，在壁球队里也很开心，哈佛生活对我来说一帆风顺。
But
then
I
started
to
notice
something
that
was
unclear,
didn’t
make
sense to me. And that was the fact that I had low self-esteem, or so it
seemed at least.
但后来我发现一些很费解 无法理解的事情，
我自尊程度相当低，
至少
看起来是这样。
And
it
didn’t
make
sense
to
me,
because I was
doing well,
I
had won
prizes, I
had
received
a
lot
of
accolades,
a
lot
of
support
whether
it’s
from my roommates, friends, family, lot of pads on the back in athletics,
in academics. And yet I had low self-
esteem. And it just didn’t make any
sense to me.
我无法理解 ，因为我表现不错，得过奖屡获表扬支持，有来自室友的
朋友的家人的，
运动还是学术都屡获嘉 奖，
但我的自尊还是很低，这
让我很不解。
There was another thing that baffled me even more. It was as if on some
level I was punished by success. What do I mean by that?
还有一件事更让我困惑，在某种程度上，我觉得我的成功在惩罚我。
这是什么意思？
Even
time
when
I
would
succeed,
or
when
I
did
get
praise,
my
self-esteem
would
increase,
would
improve.
But
then
very
quickly
afterwards, it went down, back to its base level and even lower. And in
order to raise it back up again, I needed even more praise, even more
accolades than I needed before.
每次我获得成功，或者被表扬，我的自尊就会增加改进 ，但很快，又
回到基础水平，
甚至更低，为了重新提升它，我就需要更多的表扬比
以前 更多的赞赏。
And the metaphor that kept coming to mind was Sisyphus pushing a rock
up on mountain. I would push the rock up the mountain, stuggle till the
next victory came. And the next victory came and I got the praise, I got
the accolades, I got the prize. And my self-esteem was high.
有一个比喻不断出现在我脑海里，
科林斯王推 石头上山的故事，
我就
好像在推石头上山，挣扎奋斗直到获得成功，成功后我得到表扬，获得赞赏奖品，我的自尊提升了。
I was on top of the mountain, and then this rock would be rolled down
again. And I would have to run down and start to push it up again only
this time, the hill was even steeper. I would have to struggle even more
and I would get up there again, and then it would roll back down.
我处在了山顶，
然后石头又滚了下来， 我不得不跑下山重新再推，而
且这次山坡更陡峭了，
我不得不更加努力，
才能到达山顶 ，然后石头
又滚下山。
Now it wasn’t enough to have the accolade, the praise, the amount, the
quality and the quantity that I had before. I needed more just to get onto
the same mountain, even steeper, even more
difficult. And I didn’t make
sense to me.
以前那些赞赏表扬，已经 不够了，我需要更多才能重新回到山顶，更
陡峭更困难，我想不通。
And then I took a class senior year ended up being one of my favorite
classes for various reasons which I will not go into now, Fairy Tales.
到了大四，我选修了一门课，
出于诸多原因，那成了我最爱的课程之
一，童话课，原因 我现在不想细讲。
I took Fairy Tales and we read Emile, Rousseau’s Emile. And Maria Tatar
talked
about
wonderful
theories
and
it
clicked. I
ended
up
writing
my
senior
thesis,
my
final
paper
for
that
class
on
self-esteem,
and
that
eventually became my diss
ertation. That’s actually what I wrote my PHD
on, this topic. < br>我选修了童话课，我们读了卢梭的
<<
爱弥儿
>>
，
Mari a Tatar
讲到了很
多精彩的理论，
我想通了，于是我的毕业论文，那门课的期末 论文写
的就是自尊，
最终发展成了我的学位论文，
我的博士论文写的就是这
个 话题。
So what I want to do today is show with you some the insights that I got
in Fairy Tales as well as other thinkers who have been thinking about this
topic of self-esteem, because it is important.
所以今天我想和大家分享，
我在童话课 上的感情及其他思想家对于自
尊话题的思考，因为这非常重要。
It is not for nothing that I end the course with the topic of self-esteem,
because it is at the foundation, at the core of so many of the other things
that
we
discussed,
whether
it’s
healthy
relationships,
whether
it’s
happiness
in
general,
whether
it’s
benefit
finding
or
benefit
creating,
whether
it’s
being
known
rather
than
validated.
Self
-esteem
encompasses so many of these ideas.
我以自尊的话题结束这门课程不是毫无缘由的，
因为它是基础，< br>是我
们之前讲过的很多内容的核心，
无论是健康的婚恋关系还是快乐，
无
论是寻找优点，还是创造优点，无论是被了解，还是被认可，自尊涉
及方方面面的内容。
So here is what we are goanna do.
我们要讲以下内容。
First
of
all,
we
are
going
to
talk
about
why
is
it
important?
A
lot
of
misunderstanding about what self-esteem is and is not. We are going to
talk about some theories that can apply to our lives.
首先，
为 什么自尊非常重要？对于自尊的种种误解，
可以运用到生活
中一些理论。
And
then
we’ll
elaborate
on
the
paradox
that I just
talked
about,
that
sometimes success actually leads to lower levels of self-esteem. And why
does that happen? We’ll explain that.
然后我们会细读我刚才提到的矛盾，
有时候成功会降低自尊，
为什么
会这样， 我们到时会解释。
And then I’ll introduce essentially my dissertation on self
-esteem, where
I
divided
the
one
construct
into
three
distinct
components, which
are
dependence self- esteem, self-
esteem that is generated by others’ praise
or
approval;
independence
self-esteem,
self-esteem
that
comes
from
within, self- esteem that is not contingent on what other people say, self
generated;
and
finally,
unconditional
self-esteem,
or
a
state
of
being,
where we simply and naturally exist.
然后我会介绍我关于自尊的学位论文，我把它分为三个清 晰的部分：
依赖性自尊，即由他人表扬和认同而产生的自尊。
独立自尊，即内在
产生的 自尊，这咱自尊不取决于别人的评价，是自我生成的。最后，
无条件的自尊，也可以称作一种自然状态， 我们自然的存在感。
So
I’ll
talk
about
these
three
levels
and
how
we
can
cultivate
independent as well as
unconditional self- esteem. And finally we will end
by
nest
time
by
talking
about
how
we
can
enhance
our
levels
of
self-esteem.
我会讲到这三个层面的自尊以及如何培养独立自尊 及无条件自尊。
最
后，下节课我们会讲到如何提高自尊水平。
Now many people when they listen to a lecture on self-esteem, go into
evaluation mode and say, “Ok, so do I have high self
-estee
m?” I meaning
you; or “Is my self
-esteem higher than the person sitting next to me, or
my partner or friend?”
很多人参加自尊讲座后会进行自我 评估，认为
“
好了，我的自尊高
吗？
”
我说的
“
我
”
是说你们，或者
“
我的自尊比旁边那人高吗？
”“
比我< br>的伴侣或朋友高吗？
”
And
the
answer
to
this
question
is you
can’t
really know,
meaning we
can
’t
measure
self
-
esteem
“objectively”.
We
don’t
really
where
it
is
in
the brain yet. We may be able to 10 years from now, 20 years from now.
回答是，
你无法得知，
因为我们无法客观地衡量自尊，我们还不知道
它处在我们大脑哪个部位，也许
10
年
20
年后可以。
But that’s not an important question, just like “Am I happy?” or not is not
an important question, in fact a misleading question.
但这个问题 不重要，就像
“
我快乐吗
”
一样，也不是个重要问题，它其
实是一个 误导人的问题。
The
question
rather,
remember,
is
“How
can
I
become
happier?”
The
same
with
self-esteem
.
The
question
is
not
“Do
I
have
high
or
low
self-estee
m?” but rather “How can I
enhance my self-
esteem?” because
as I argue shortly, there cannot be too much self- esteem.
记住，你要问的应该是
“
如何才能变得更快乐？
”
自尊也是如此，你
要问的不是
“
我的自尊是高是低
”
而是
“
如何都能提高自尊
”
，因为我等
一下会讲到，自尊越高越好。
But
sometimes
people
associate
too
much
self-esteem
to
arrogance,
conceit
and
narcissism.
It’s
not
self
-esteem.
In
fact
it
is
the
exact
opposite of it
:; it’s lack thereof.
但有时候人们把自尊与自大，
自负自恋过多的联系在一 起，
这些不是
自尊。恰恰相反，是缺乏自尊。
So having stronger sense of self is a good
thing. And question is “How
can I
enhance
it?”
Today
my
self-esteem
is
higher
than
it
was when I
started thinking about it 15 years ago. And hopefully 15 years or 5 years
from
now
,
it
will
be
higher
than
it
is
than
it
is
today.
It
is
a
life-long
process.
所以强烈的自我感是件好事，问题是
“
如何提升它？”
今天，我的自尊
比
15
年前我刚考虑这个问题时提升了很多，
希望
5
或
15
年后会比今
天还要高，这是个终身的过程。
And we’ll talk about how that life
-long process unfolds and we can do to
expedite it, to intensify it.
我们会谈这个终身过程是如何展开的，如何才能加快加强这一过程。
So
first
of
all:
definition
of
the
self-esteem.
There
are
numerous
definitions.
Let
me
read
you just
a
few
from
the
main
thinkers
in
the
area.
首先，自尊的定义，自尊有多种定义，我读几要重要思想家对此的认
识。
So
Albert
Bandura,
Stanford
Professor,
explains
gate
to
self-esteem,
quote in terms of how people evaluate themselves: “Those who express
the
sense
of
unworthiness
are
said
to
have
low
self-esteem,
or
the
person who is to express self-pride are said to hold themselves in highest
esteem.”
斯坦福大学教授
Albert Bandura
解释了通向自尊的大门，说到人们是
如何评估自我的，他是这样说的
“
那些认为自己没 有价值的人，会被
视为自尊较低，那些表现出自傲的人，会被视为自尊极高
”
。
Another well-known thinker in the area, Germain defines self-esteem as
“the judgment and feeling about the self.” Very simply: the judgment and
feelings about the self.
这一领域 另一位著名思想家
Germain
认为自尊是
“
对于自我的评判与
感 受
”
非常简单，对于自我的评判与感受。
Coopersmith,
one
of
the
most
important
thinkers
in
the
area:
“Self
-esteem
is
an
evaluation
which
individual
makes
and
customarily
maintains with regard to himself. It expresses an attitude of approval or
disapproval and indicates the extent to which individual believes himself
to be capable, significant, successful and worthy.”
Coopersmith
，该领域最重要的思想家之一，
“
自尊是个体作出的 并经
常保持的对自己的评价，
表达了一种对自己赞许或不赞许的态度，
标
志了 个体对自己能力身份
成就及价值的信心
”
。
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