最差绝望主妇第-季第-集全英文剧本

2021年1月26日发(作者：riddick)
Season 1, Episode 01: Pilot
-- MARY ALICE:
: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper,
you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally,
there's never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday.
Of course everything seemed as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my family.
I
performed
my
chores.
I
completed
my
projects.
I
ran
my
errands.
In
truth,
I
spent
the day as I spend every other day quietly polishing the routine of my life until
it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go
to my hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used.
-- MARY ALICE:
My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had
been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried
to
think
of
a
reason
for
dropping
in
on
me
unannounced.
After
some
initial
hesitation,
she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.
--MRS HUBER:
It
’
s my neighbor. I think she's been shot, there's blood everywhere.
Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now!
--MARY
ALICE
:
And
for
a
moment,
Mrs.
Huber
stood
motionless
in
her
kitchen
grief-stricken by this senseless , only for a moment. If there was one
thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. I
was
laid
to
rest
on
a
Monday.
After
the
funeral,
all
the
residents
of
Wisteria
Lane
came to pay their respects. And as people do in this situation, they brought food.
Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried
chicken.
Of
course,
she
didn
’
t
cook
much
as
she
was
moving
up
the
corporate
ladder.
She didn
’
t have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her
husband
Tom
had
an
idea.
Why
not
quit
your
job?
Kids
do
much
better
with
stay-at-home
mums; it was so much less stressful. But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette
’
s
life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast food
restaurant. Lynette
would have
appreciated the
irony of it if she
stopped to think
about it, but she couldn
’
t. She didn
’
t have the time.
--LYNETTE:
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it.
--PRESTON
: But Mom!
--LYNETTE:
No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in
front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am...
--PRESTON:
What
’
s that?
--LYNETTE:
Santa
’
s cell-phone number.
--PORTER:
How
’
d you get that?
--LYNETTE:
I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of
you
acts
up,
so
help
me,
I
will
call
Santa
and
tell
him
you
want
socks
for
Christmas.
You willing to risk that?
--SCAVO kids:
Uh-uh! (all shake their heads vehemently)
--LYNETTE:
Okay. Let
’
s get this over with.
--MARY ALICE:
Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella.
资料

Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food
and
rich
men.
Carlos,
who
worked
in
mergers
and
acquisitions,
proposed
on
their
third
date.
Gabrielle
was
touched
when
tears
welled
up
in
his
eyes.
But
she
soon
discovered
this
happened
every
time
Carlos
closed
a
big
deal.
Gabrielle
liked
her
paella
piping
hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.

--CARLOS:

If
you
talk
to
Al
Mason
at
this
thing,
I
want
you
to
casually
mention
how
much I paid for your necklace.
--GABRIELLE:
Why don
’
t I just pin the receipt to my chest?
--CARLOS:

He
let
me
know
how
much
he
paid
for
his
wife
’
s
new
convertible.
Look,
just
work it into the conversation.
--GABRIELLE:
There
’
s no way I can just work that in, Carlos.
--CARLOS:
Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds.
And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield.
--GABRIELLE:
I
’
m telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.
--CARLOS:
Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please?
--GABRIELLE:
(sigh) Absolutely. Wouldn
’
t want them to think we
’
re not happy.
--MARY ALICE:
Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins
she
baked
from
scratch.
Bree
was
known
for
her
cooking.
And
for
making
her
own
clothes.
And for doing her own gardening. And for reupholstering her own furniture. Yes,
Bree
’
s
many
talents
were
known
throughout
the
neighborhood.
And
everyone
on
Wisteria
Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her
own family.
--BREE:
Paul, Zachary. Paul
，
Zachary
。

--ZACH:
Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp.
--PAUL:
Bree, you shouldn
’
t have gone to all this trouble.
--BREE:

It
was
no
trouble
at
all.
Now
the
basket
with
the
red
ribbon
is
filled
with
desserts
for
your
guests.
But
the
one
with
the
blue
ribbon
is
just
for
you
and
Zachary.
It
’
s got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things.
--PAUL:
Thank you.
--BREE:
Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look
forward to in the morning. I know you
’
re out of your minds with grief.
--PAUL:
Yes, we are.
--BREE:

Of
course,
I
will
need
the
baskets
back
once
you
’
re
done.
(smiling
serenely)
--PAUL:
Of course.
-MARY
ALICE:

Susan
Meyer,
who
lives
across
the
street,
brought
macaroni
and
cheese.
Her
husband
Carl
always
teased
her
about
her
macaroni,
saying
it
was
the
only
thing
she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she
and
Carl
moved
into
their
new
house.
It
was
too
watery
the
night
she
found
lipstick
on Carl
’
s shirt. She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his
secretary.
A
year
had
passed
since
the
divorce.
Susan
was
starting
to
think
how
nice
it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking.
--JULIE:
Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
--SUSAN:
Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think it
’
s the only way they
资料

can solve their problems.
--JULIE:
But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
--SUSAN:
Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they
’
re
totally different on the inside.
--JULIE:
Oh you mean how Dad
’
s girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things
but deep down you just know she
’
s a bitch.
--SUSAN:
I don
’
t like that word, Julie. But yeah, that
’
s a great example.
--JULIE:
Hey, what
’
s going on?
--SUSAN:
Sorry I
’
m late.
--GABRIELLE
: Hi ,Susan!
--LYNETTE:
Hey.
--MARY ALICE:
So? What did Carl say when you confronted him?
--SUSAN:
You
’
ll love this, he said it doesn
’
t mean anything, it was just sex.
--BREE:
Oh yes, page one of the philanderer
’
s handbook.
--SUSAN:
Yeah,
and
then
he
got
this
Zen
look
on
his
face,
and
he
said,
you
know
Susan,
most men live lives of quiet desperation.
--LYNETTE:
Please tell me you punched him.
--SUSAN:

No,
I
said,
really?
And
what
do
most
women
lead,
lives
of
noisy
fulfillment?
--GABRIELLE:
Hmm.
--MARY ALICE:
Good for you.
--SUSAN:

I
mean,
of
all
people,
did
he
have
to
bang
his
secretary?
I
had
that
woman
over
for brunch.
--GABRIELLE:
It
’
s like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn
’
t have a
conscience.
--LYNETTE:
Even the limp ones aren
’
t that ethical
--BREE:
This is half the reason I joined the NRA. Well, when Rex started going to
those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving
wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson.
--
MARY

ALICE
: Lynnie? Tom
’
s always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..?
--
LYNETTE
: Oh, please, the man
’
s gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I
wish he was having sex with someone else.
--
BREE
: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?
--
SUSAN
:
I don
’
t know. I
’
m sorry you
guys, I just... I
just
don
’
t
know
how I
’
m going
to survive this.
--
MARY

ALICE
: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face
them head on, that
’
s how we find out just how strong we really are.
--
BREE
:
Susan?
Susan.
I
was
just
saying
Paul
wants
us
to
go
over
on
Friday.
He
needs
us to go through Mary Alice
’
s closet, and help pack up her things. He says he can
’
t
face doing it by himself.
--
SUSAN
: Sure, that
’
s fine.
--
BREE
: Are you OK?
--
SUSAN
:
Yeah.
I
’
m
just
so
angry.
If
Mary
Alice
was
having
problems,
she
should
have
come to us; she should have let us help her.
资料

--
GABRIELLE
:
What
kind
of
problems
could
she
have
had?
She
was
healthy,
had
a
great
home, a nice family. Her life was
…
-
--
LYNETTE
:
…
our life.
--
GABRIELLE
:
No,
if
Mary
Alice
was
having
some
sort
of
crisis,
we
’
d
have
known.
She
lives 50 feet away, for god
’
s sakes.
--
SUSAN
: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must
’
ve been going on.
--
SUSAN
: Oh, I wouldn
’
t eat that if I were you.
--
MIKE
: Why?
--
SUSAN
: I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
--
MIKE
:
No,
I
just
refuse
to
believe
that
anybody
can
screw
up
macaroni
and
cheese.
Oh my did you
…
it tastes like it
’
s burnt and undercooked.
--
SUSAN
: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
--
MIKE
: Thanks. I
’
m Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim
’
s house next door.
--
SUSAN
: Susan Meyer, I live across the street.
--
MIKE
:
Oh
yeah,
Mrs.
Huber
told
me
about
you,
said
you
illustrate
children
’
s
books
--
SUSAN
: Yeah I
’
m very big with the under 5 set. What do you do?
--
MIKE
: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or something.
--
SUSAN
: Now that everybody
’
s seen that I
’
ve brought something, I should probably
just throw this out.
--
LYNETTE
: Ow! Ease up, you little vampire.
--
MRS
.
HUBER
: Lynette! I
’
ve been looking all over for you.
--
LYNETTE
: Oh.
--
MRS
.
HUBER
: Are you aware of what your sons are doing?
--
SCAVO

kids
: Stop. Arrrggggh. Hah!
--
LYNETTE
: What are you doing!? We are at a wake!
--
PRESTON
: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.
--
LYNETTE
: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on??
--
PORTER
: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left.
--
LYNETTE
: You three planned this?? Alright, that
’
s it. Get out!
--
PORTER
: No!
--
LYNETTE
: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.
--
PRESTON
: We wanna swim and you can
’
t stop us.
--
LYNETTE
: Here.
--
LYNETTE
:
Get out. Or I will get in this
pool and just
grab you, get out! Get over
here. Get over here. Get back or I
’
ll kill you.
--
LYNETTE
: That
’
s right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out.
--
LYNETTE
:
Paul.
We
have
to
leave
now.
Once
again,
I
am
so
sorry
for
your
loss.
Go!
--
MARY

ALICE
:
Lynette
shouldn
’
t
have
been
so
concerned
about
my
husband.
He
had
other
things
on
his
mind.
Things
below
the
surface.
The
morning
after
my
funeral,
my
friends
and neighbors quietly went back
to their busy,
busy lives. Some did their cooking.
And some did their cleaning. And some did their yoga. Others did their homework.
--
JULIE
: Hi.
--
JULIE
: I
’
m Julie, I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.
--
MIKE
: Oh, OK. Well, let
’
s go round and get it. Stay.
资料

--
JULIE
: His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many
memories. He
’
s renting for tax purposes, but he
’
s hoping to buy a place real soon.
--
SUSAN
: I can
’
t believe you went over there.
--
JULIE
:
Hey,
I
saw
you
both
flirting
at
the
wake.
You
’
re
obviously
into
each
other.
Now that you know he
’
s single, you can ask him out.
--
SUSAN
: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. It
’
s just, I don
’
t know if I
’
m ready to
start dating yet.
--
JULIE
: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since
you
’
ve had sex? Are you mad that I asked you that?
--
SUSAN
: No, I
’
m just trying to remember. I don
’
t wanna talk to you about my love
life anymore, it weirds me out.
--
JULIE
: I wouldn
’
t have said anything, it
’
s just
…

--
SUSAN
: What?
--
JULIE
: I heard Dad
’
s girlfriend asking if you
’
d dated anyone since the divorce,
and Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed.
--
MIKE
: Hey, Susan.
--
SUSAN
: Hi Mike. I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably should
’
ve
brought something by earlier, but...
--
MIKE
: Actually, you
’
re the first in the neighborhood to stop by.
--
SUSAN
: Really?
--
MARY

ALICE

:
Susan
knew
she
was
lucky.
An
eligible
bachelor
had
moved
onto
Wisteria
Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels
quickly.
--
EDIE
: Hello there!
--
MARY

ALICE
: Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her
conquests were numerous
……
varied
……
and legendary.
--
EDIE
: Hi Susan, I hope I
’
m not interrupting. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I
’
m
Edie. Britt. I live over there. Welcome to Wisteria Lane.
--
MARY

ALICE
: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.
--
MIKE
: Thank you, what
’
s this?
--
EDIE
: Sausage Puttenesca. It
’
s just something I threw together.
--
MIKE
: Thanks, Edie. That
’
s great. Uh, I
’
d invite you both in, but I was sorta in
the middle of something.
--
SUSAN
: Oh, I
’
m late for an appointment anyway.
--
EDIE
: Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi
--
MIKE
: Well, thanks.
--
MARY

ALICE

::
And
just
like
that,
the
race
for
Mike
Delfino
had
begun.
For
a
moment,
Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.
--
EDIE
: Oh, Mike. I heard you
’
re a
…
plumber?
--
MIKE
: Yeah.
--
EDIE
: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?
--
MARY

ALICE
:
But
she
was
reminded
that
when
it
came
to
men?
Women
don
’
t
fight
fair.
--
MIKE
: Sure.
--
EDIE
: Thanks. Bye Susan.
资料

--
GABRIELLE
: You can
’
t order me around like I
’
m a child!
--
CARLOS
: Gabrielle... GabrieIIe
--
GABRIELLE
: No. No, no, no, I
’
m not going.
--
CARLOS
: It
’
s business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
--
GABRIELLE
: Every time I
’
m around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
--
CARLOS
: I made over $$200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to
grab your ass, you let him.
--
CARLOS
: John!
--
JOHN
: Ow. Mr. Solis. You scared me.
--
CARLOS
: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week.
--
JOHN
: I didn
’
t have time last week
--
CARLOS
: I don
’
t wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it.
--
GABRIELLE
: I really hate the way you talk to me.
--
CARLOS
: And I really hate that I spent $$15,000 on your diamond necklace that you
couldn
’
t
live
without.
But
I
’
m
learning
to
deal
with
it.
So.
Can
I
tell
Tanaka
we
’
ll
be there tomorrow night?
--
GABRIELLE
: John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.
--
JOHN
: Thanks, Mrs. Solis.
--
GABRIELLE
: Fine. I
’
ll go. But I
’
m keeping my back pressed against the wall the
entire time.
--
CARLOS
: See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise.
--
GABRIELLE
: Is your finger ok?
--
JOHN
: Yeah, yeah, it
’
s just a small cut.
--
GABRIELLE
: Let me see. Mmmm.
--
JOHN
: You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up. But, um, you
know I gotta get my work done, I can
’
t afford to lose this job.
--
GABRIELLE
: This
table
is hand carved. Carlos had it
imported from Italy. It
cost
it $$23,000.
--
JOHN
: You wanna do it on the table this time?
--
GABRIELLE
: Absolutely.
--
DANIELLE
: Why can
’
t we ever have normal soup?
--
BREE
: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
--
DANIELLE
: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french
onion or navy bean
--
BREE
:
First
of
all,
your
father
can
’
t
eat
onions,
he
’
s
deadly
allergic.
And
I
won
’
t
even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How
’
s the osso bucco?
--
ANDREW
: It
’
s OK.
--
BREE
:
It
’
s
OK?
Andrew,
I
spent
3
hours
cooking
this
meal.
How
do
you
think
it
makes
me feel when you say it
’
s OK, in that sullen tone?
--
ANDREW
: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner?
--
BREE
: Excuse me?
--
ANDREW
: Tim Harper
’
s mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans,
and boom, they
’
re eating, everyone
’
s happy.
--
BREE
: You
’
d rather I serve pork and beans?
资料