There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with.
Come on. You're going out with a guy.
There's gotta be something wrong with him.
So does he have a hump and a hair piece?
Wait. Does he eat chalk?
I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl. Oh.
Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date.
It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Sounds like a date to me.
I'm back in high school, in the middle of the cafeteria...
...and I realize I'm totally naked.
Oh, yeah. I've had that dream.
Then I look down and I realize there is a phone...
Instead of... That's right!
That one, I've never had. No.
All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring.
And it turns out it's my mother.
Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.
This guy says
Are you okay, sweetie?
I feel like someone grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth...
...and tied it around my neck. Cookie?
Carol moved her stuff out today.
Let me get you some coffee. Thanks.
No. No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura.
Just leave my aura alone, okay?
I'll be fine. All right? Really. I hope she'll be very happy.
No, you don't. No, I don't.
To hell with her. She left me!
And you never knew she was a lesbian.
Why does everyone keep fixating on that?
She didn't know. How should I know?
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
Did I say that out loud?
All right, Ross. Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now.
You're angry. You're hurting.
Can I tell you what the answer is?
Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.
See, but I don't want to be single, okay?
I just wanna be married again.
And I just want a million dollars!
Oh, God, Monica! Hi! Thank God!
I went to your building and this guy with a hammer said...
...that you might be here, and you are.
Can I get you some coffee? Decaf.
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor.
This is everybody. This is Chandler and Phoebe...
...and Joey. And remember my brother, Ross?
Hi. Oh, God.
So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Oh, God! Well, it started about a half-hour before the wedding.
I was in this room with all the presents...
...and I was looking at this gravy boat.
This really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat.
When all of a sudden... Sweet 'N Low?
...I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.
Then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me:
How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.
You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but...
Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering:
Anyway, I just didn't know where to go, and I know you and I have drifted apart...
...but you're the only person I know in the city.
Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
I'm guessing he bought her the big pipe organ...
...and she's really not happy about it.
Daddy, I just... I can't marry him.
I just don't love him.
Well, it matters to me.
She should not be wearing those pants.
I say push her down the stairs.
Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!
Come on, Daddy, listen to me!
It's like all of my life, everyone's always told me,
You're a shoe! You're a shoe! You're a shoe!
Then today I stopped and said,
What if I wanna be a purse? You know?
Or a hat?
I don't want you to buy me a hat, I am a hat.
It's a metaphor, Daddy!
You can see where he'd have trouble.
Look, Daddy, it's my life.
Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.
Well, maybe that's my decision.
Well, maybe I don't need your money.
Wait! Wait! I said maybe!
Okay. Just breathe, that's it.
Just try to think of nice, calm things.
Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens
Doorbells and sleigh bells And something with mittens
La la la something With string
I'm all better now.
Look, this is probably for the best, you know?
Independence. Taking control of your life.
And, hey, if you need anything, you can always come to Joey.
Me and Chandler live right across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
What? Like there's a rule or something?
Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.
Uh, it's Paul. Buzz him in.
Who's Paul? Paul, the wine guy, Paul?
Wait a minute. Your
He finally asked you out? Yes.
Ooh. This is a
Rach, wait, I can cancel.
Please, no. Go, I'll be fine.
Ross, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay?
That'd be good.
Really? No, go on! It's Paul, the wine guy.
Hi, come in. Paul, this is...
...everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Paul, the wine guy.
Wine guy. I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Okay. Sit down. Two seconds. Okay.
Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
So, Rachel, what are you up to tonight?
Well, I was supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon...
Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon.
God. No, no. Although, Aruba. Heh. This time of year? Eh.
Talk about your...
Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight...
...Joey and Chandler are helping me with my furniture.
Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Actually, thanks, but I'm just gonna hang out here tonight.
It's been a long day. Oh, sure. Okay. Sure.
Hey, Pheebs, you wanna help?
Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things...
...using a bunch of these little worm guys.
I have no bracket-y thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever...
...and I cannot feel my legs.
I have no idea.
Done with the bookcase. All finished.
This was Carol's favorite beer.
She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.
Hey. Ross, let me ask you a question.
She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV.
What did you get?
Oh, God. Oh, my God. You got screwed.
Oh, my God. I know, I know. I'm such an idiot.
I should've caught on when she went to the dentist four and five times a week.
I mean, how clean can teeth get?
My brother's going through that. He's such a mess.
How did you get through it?
He might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers.
Say her... Leg?
Heh. That's one way of going through it, yeah.
Me, I went for the watch.
You actually broke her watch? Mm.
Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
You probably think it's about making love with your socks on, but it isn't.
It isn't, it's about me. And I...
Hi. Machine cut me off again. Anyway...
You know what's scary? What if there's only one woman for everybody?
I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it?
Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.
What are you talking about? One woman.
That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you.
Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there.
There's rocky road and cookie dough and bing cherry vanilla.
You can get them with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream.
This is the best thing that ever happened to you.