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中考英语写作精彩点评与修改（一）
作文题目：
五晚你父母都出去了，只有爷爷和你在家，你在客厅
里看电视而爷爷在他屋里看报纸。突然你听到爷爷屋里有什么动静，当你推开房
< br>门，惊讶地发现爷爷正躺在地上，失去了知觉。于是你立即拨打了
120
。 然后让
爷爷平躺，打开了窗户。就在这时医生来了。一位医生说你做的对，救了爷爷的<
/p>
命。请根据提示以
为题，写一篇
80
字左右的短文。
作文修改如下：
先表扬一下：内容都写到位了，关键在于组织。
急需改进的地方：
1.
正确的语法结构。
2.
几个简单合并成复杂句
3
前后句子的连贯性。
4
一定要分段。
I have an unforgettable
night on last Friday.
Because I saved my grandpa’s life. (I had an
unforgettable night last Friday because
I saved my grandpa's life.)
Last Friday, my parents were not at
home, and I watched TV in
living room.
My grandpa was watch newspaper in his room.
(
将几个简单句
合并更好一些，可以写成：
My parents were not in on the very night. I was
watching TV in the living room while my
grandpa was reading newspaper
in his
bedroom.)When I walked in his room, I find he had
lost
consciousness.
(
最好用双宾语结构：
find sb doing sth.
可以写成：
When I
walked into
his room, I found him lying on the ground and lost
his
consciousness.) So I immediately
called 120, put he lay and opened the
window.
(
不成句子，是个硬伤。可以写成：
Without hesitation, after
putting him on the bed and
opening the window, I immediately called
120.) In this time, doctor came. A
doctor said I had a good job, and I